How to Choose the Right Partner

http://www.csulb.edu/divisions/students2/hrc/Health_Topics/topics/choose_partner.htm

Do you have an ideal partner sketched out in your head? Perhaps you have a shopping list of “must have” traits. If so, you are not alone. The most common characteristics people want in their partners include honesty, intelligence, sense of humor, openness to new ideas, stability, communication, common hobbies and interests, and willingness to work on the relationship to make it succeed. Though men and women might seek similar traits in a partner, research has demonstrated that each individual focuses on different qualities. Men typically want a relationship that allows autonomy, while women look for a sense of connection.

To begin your quest to find the right partner, think about the traits and behaviors you prefer. Most people automatically think of superficial traits such as “height” or “blue eyes.” Though these traits can be important, other traits are more important when it comes to having a healthy, long-term relationship. Here is a list of some important qualities to consider:

1. Commitment to personal growth
Is interested in learning how to be a better person and spouse.
Is aware of emotional baggage, blind spots, and weaknesses.
Has personal goals for self-improvement.

2. Emotional Openness
Is aware of his or her own feelings
Is able to express his or her feelings
Desires to share feelings with you

3. Integrity
Is honest with himself or herself
Is honest with others and you
Does not play games about wants and feelings

4. Maturity and Responsibility
Maintains a clean house, pays bills and handles finances
Is able to take care of himself or herself
Follows through on promises, shows up on time, doesn't let people down
Respects your boundaries, feelings, time, etc.

5. High Self-esteem
Takes pride in himself or herself without being arrogant
Takes care of body, living environment, car, possessions
Does not allow other people to mistreat him/her

6. Positive Attitude Towards Life
Focuses on solutions instead of problems
Turns obstacles into opportunities
Sees the good in situations and people

Now that your list is complete consider some flaws that are fatal to a relationship. Your partner might have one or more of these traits and still be capable of having a relationship. However, you may have a problem-filled relationship. According to Barbara DeAngelis, PhD the following is a list of fatal flaws:

• Addictions
• Anger
• Victim consciousness
• Control freak
• Sexual dysfunction
• Hasn't grown up
• Emotionally unavailable
• Hasn't recovered from past relationships
• Emotional damage from childhood

Analyze Yourself
Next, turn the examination inwards. Ask yourself what is holding you back from having a loving relationship. Perhaps you are hurt from a previous break-up. Maybe you are afraid of commitment. Identify these issues and handle them . In addition, examine your previous relationships and learn from them. What mistakes did you make? What aspects of a previous relationship would you want to develop in future relationship(s)? Finally, examine other factors that might affect your partner choice: cultural norms, expectations of male and female roles, religious background, and socioeconomic needs.

Analyze Your Relationship
Once you are in a relationship continue to examine your compatibility with your partner. Do not overlook compatibility issues in order to be in a relationship. In other words, do not ignore warning signs of potential problems. Other mistakes include making compromises, such as eliminating activities you like because they don't interest your partner or reducing communication with family members your partner dislikes.

Talk to Your Partner
You should not be hesitant to ask your partner questions. You need to find out the behaviors and attitudes you can expect for later. It is important to learn not only about your partner but also about your partner's relationship with his or her family. Moreover, learning about your partner's family will provide insights about your partner. Here is a list of questions you could ask:

• What do you like to do for fun? What did you do for fun when you were younger? How often do you get out and have fun? How much time per week do you take for leisure activities? What do you do when you want to relax? What do you like to do on vacation? What were your friendships like when you were growing up?
• How do you handle tough times? How have you handled some of the difficult situations in your life?
• What were your parents like when you were growing up? How did their opinions influence you, then and now? How did your parents get along? How have you changed over the years?
• What are your plans for the future? What are your attitudes and what is your style for handling money? Do you like to help with household chores? What do you like to talk about? What conversations do you like to avoid?

Take Your Time
Overall, be patient. Take the time to get to know potential partners before jumping into a relationship. After all, you wouldn't select the first apple that caught your eye in the produce bin! Why be any less selective with your choice of mate?

References:
James, John and Schlesinger, Ibis. How to Choose the Right Partner? Addison- Wesley: Menlo Park, CA; 1987.
DeAngelis, Barbara, Ph.D. Are You the One for Me? Delacorte Press: New York; 1992.

Emotional Self-Hostage: How to set yourself Free

By eNotAlone.com

The bad habit of emotionally holding ourselves hostage is unfortunately quite common. Why do people trap themselves into feeling certain feelings and continue to do things they know are bad for them and make them feel low about themselves? It varies for everyone. In order to set yourself free, you first need to understand and learn why you are holding yourself hostage.

Begin by paying attention to the emotions you feel when you are living the moments of your self-dictation, along with acknowledging what subjects play the role in attracting you into preventing yourself from being free and moving forward. Do you like feeling sorry for yourself? Do you feel the need to put yourself in situations that will make you feel badly afterwards? What about doing anything, harmful things both physically and mentally, just to be accepted in society? If this rings a bell to you, then you are suffering from Victimization Addiction, which means exactly the way it sounds- you are addicted to victimizing yourself. This addiction is not really the true issue however. The real problem is what lead you to this addiction and the way it has made you feel about yourself.

When you are experiencing a time when you hold yourself hostage, make a real effort to stop at that very point. When you do so, examine yourself emotionally and ask yourself why you are doing this to yourself. What event in your life influenced this behavior and attitude towards yourself? Keep in mind that the reason could trace all the way to an incident that happened during your childhood years, so be prepared to take a little journey back in time. A good example for explaining this method would be a person who constantly places themselves in relationships they know are bad for them- Relationships in which their lovers will take advantage of them, abuse them both emotionally and physically, and someone who will value them in no way. Why would someone purposely put himself or herself through this pain? Well, there are various answers to that question, but let us say that is this person had a childhood where he or she was a regular witness to the fights and abuse their parents inflicted on each other. Perhaps their father hit their mother when he was angry and their mother would deal with it by having affairs. This child then grew up believing that this behavior is normal and acceptable and should be tolerable. This would be the root of the problem and reason to why he or she victimizes himself/herself today.

This is what you need to do, find the root and true reason of why you are holding yourself hostage from being the person you are really meant to be, as well as live the life you are capable of living. Setting yourself free is definitely challenging and there will be times you will want to give up and just live a world of victimization. You might feel guilty about a mistake you have made and cannot forgive yourself for it, believing you deserve to feel horrible all the time, regardless of how much forgiveness you may received from another person. When this is the case, you need to learn to fight the mind tricks that are played on you. Gain your power of control back by telling yourself that the experience you feel badly about did happen, but is now over. You feel regret for it, but have also learned an important lesson from it, making you a better person. These are the things you must give your time to, to the positive things. Give yourself the credit you deserve and fight the temptation in going back to that painful memory that will force you to keep reliving it.

If the root comes from an event that occurred in your childhood, then you are in no way at fault for what happened- especially if it involves your parents. Your only responsibility as a child was to be carefree, enjoy yourself and leave the responsibility and the proper upbringing methods to your parents. Use whatever experience it was as a way to improve the adult life you are living now. Remind yourself on a regular basis of how no one on this earth is perfect and we all make mistakes and life can throw experiences at us that we feel helpless or painful over, but this does not make you any less of a good person. All it means is that life will send obstacles down our paths, and all of these obstacles hold a purpose and are intended to teach you how to be the best human being you can be, and discover the true meaning of your life.

Sometimes going through this process can be too hard to accomplish on your own, and that is perfectly normal and understandable- and does make you a failure. What is does, is make you aware of the fact that you are not alone in this world and therefore should not have to go through difficult periods by yourself. Find support and motivation that works for you. Some suggestions are family & friends, church, support groups, books, and counseling. Take a tour outside and search for what works best for you and what you feel will help you get through this. You can set yourself free...if you really want to. It is all about willpower -so start regaining that strength and use it on the maximum level until you are free and can move forward, moving on to the new and exciting stages that have been waiting for you.

Managing Anger In Relationships By Curt Smith

Dear Curt,

I have a very big problem controlling my anger and it has led to the destruction of my last relationship. I seem to have a very short fuse, and have a bad habit of exploding whenever I become irritated. But I'm not the violent type. I have never laid a finger on any individual, nor will I. The only crime that I am guilty of is raising my voice, playing dirty (silent treatment, leave dirty dishes in sink, forget to do important things) and shouting.

Recently, my ex-girlfriend left me because she was afraid of me. She thought I had the potential of becoming a violent spouse. Harming her in any way -- emotional or physical -- is an unconceivable notion. The only reason I shouted was simply to be heard, and because of my disappointment when she did not agree with me. How can I control my anger? I don't want to scare away the next woman in my life.

Regards,
Jeffrey "Red" McSorely
New York City, NY

you bad boy

Are there any nice individuals left in America? Absolutely, and they -- like you and I -- get angry. It is a natural human emotion that allows us to fend off a menace to our well-being. The problem is that we use this same primitive mechanism in our everyday interaction with our loved ones too.

Some men -- and women -- don't know how to separate their carnal aggressive instinct to protect themselves from a more civilized manner. In other words, they have anger management problems.

the root of all evil

The problem is not anger; the problem is the mismanagement of conflict, which in turn leads to anger. Mismanaged rage is the major cause of conflict in our personal relationships, and the root of this problem stems from the fact that some individuals don't know how to communicate their problems properly.

Instead of expressing their feelings openly and constructively, some men resort to tricks to get back at their partner. Obviously, this does not do anything to resolve the conflict; it just adds fuel to the fire. Here are a few bad examples of how some men deal with their anger:

The Evader avoids conflict in order to get around having to listen to his wife's nagging. He usually leaves the room when the conflict takes place and goes for long walks, drives or stays at work late.

The Hinter refuses to say what is bothering him directly. He prefers to drop hints of his disappointment. For example, instead of disclosing concerns over his wife's provocative style, he says things like, "Are you trying to impress your boss at work?"

Who knows, you could you be the traitor, the bomber, the clown, the shouter, or even the accuser...

The Traitor gets even with his partner by not defending her, and can sometimes even encourage ridicule against her. For example, once I went to a dinner where the husband accused his wife of being an awful cook. In her own defense, she stated that she would have more time to cook a better meal if he wouldn't be so lazy and helped with the chores around the house.

The Clown is the guy who is fearful of facing conflicts head-on. While his spouse attempts to initiate a serious topic, he kids around in order to avoid the subject altogether.

The Bomber doesn't respond immediately to a conflict. Instead he keeps his resentment bottled up inside of him until there's no more room. Then one day, he blows up and unleashes his anger on the unsuspecting partner.

The Shouter believes that his partner will not hear him unless he constantly interrupts and shouts over her voice.

The Accuser is more focused on finding fault instead of a solution to the conflict. Of course, the accuser will never blame himself. Instead he'll blame his partner, which in turn will put her on the defensive.

In order to make a relationship work, you need to work together as a team, not against each other. Since it is impossible to avoid conflict, the challenge is handling it effectively when it does arise.

what do you do next?

The first step toward appropriately managing anger in our personal relationships is the acknowledgement of the upsetting situations within the relationship that influence excessive anger.

Once these attitudes have been identified, you can negotiate a win-win solution. Remember, no relationship can last if there is a constant win-lose or lose-lose situation. If you want the relationship to last, then you're going to have to work together to resolve all arising conflicts.

how to fight

Here are six tips that will help you resolve any conflict that might be fueling your anger:

1- Be prepared:

Your problem might not necessarily be a problem in the eyes of your partner. Therefore, take the time to properly identify what's bothering you and put your thoughts together in a descriptive manner that will be easy for your partner to understand.

2- Set a timeline:

It is important for both individuals to be in the right state of mind before expressing their feelings. Once you have a clear idea of the problem, approach your partner with a request to try and resolve it. If she's not in the mood, then make a request, "I've been concerned with some problems. Can we talk about it some time?" and then set a time to talk about it.

Calm down and continue your proposal...

3- Describe your problem:

The goal is to describe your conflict as accurately as possible without putting your partner on the defensive. The best way to go about this is by first describing the behavior that bothers you; your interpretation of that behavior; your feelings ; and the consequences that the behavior has on you. For example:

Stacy, I'd like to discuss something. I've noticed that you've been coming home late recently. Is it because you have a lot of work, are you avoiding me, or is it something else? Please clarify the situation for me because I'm starting to feel neglected. If this continues, I think that we might encounter friction within our relationship.

4- Ask for her point of view:

Once you finish describing your problem, kindly ask your partner to repeat what you said, in order to make sure that you expressed yourself adequately. Once you both have a clear understanding of the conflict at hand, let your partner share her thoughts.

5- Find a solution:

Once you both understand each other's needs, you should then focus your attention on finding a solution to the conflict. The best method is to try and come up with at least three feasible solutions and then decide which one best suits the situation.

6- Implement the solution:

Sure it's nice to come up with a solution. But it will only work if you implement it and both work hard at it. Then set some time aside to talk about your progress and even make any necessary changes along the way.

stay atop of the problem

In many cases, most men become angry simply because they do not seek to resolve whatever issues are making them feel aggressive when they occur. Instead they let things pile up and eat away at their nerves, until they can't deal with them anymore and explode with anger. It is the procrastination of their actions to resolve conflicts that ultimately leads to frustration.

All this anger can be resolved by dealing with the attitudes and behaviors causing the conflict in its early stages. This is usually done through communication and cooperation. Stay on top of the problem, and keep looking for creative ways to resolve it so that both partners remain happy and fulfilled within the relationship.

Get it on!

Loud and unclear

Discusses ways in which people act when they sense that communication breakdown is total. Speaking louder as a remedy; Importance of changing the content of the message rather than volume; Cognitive effort; Comments from Charles R. Berger, professor of rhetoric and communication at University of California Davis; Berger's study results.

By: PT Staff

COMMUNICATION

When people can't understand what we're trying to say, what do we do? We say it again-louder. And if we still aren't getting the point across? We say it even LOUDER. And if we sense that the communication breakdown is total, we go all out and also repeat the words re slowly.
It rarely occurs to us to change the content of the message, reports Charles R. Berger, Ph.D., a professor of rhetoric and communication at the University of California Davis. Or to pause before speaking, so as to collect our thoughts clearly. Speaking slower and louder gives the illusion of effective communication, but it only works if the other person is hearing-impaired.
We do it, Berger finds, because voice-raising is the default option of the mind. Cognitively speaking, ft is the easiest fix to make.

It's all a matter of cognitive effort, Berger explains. His studies show that there are several options message-givers have when message-receivers don't understand. We arrange the options in a hierarchy according to how much cognitive effort each one takes. Altering the content of the message Is at the top of the list, altering details of the message is near the middle, and speech alterations are st the bottom.

Most of us zip right to the lower end of the hierarchy. But not only doesn't it get the message across any better, shouting also tends to raise our blood pressure.

When Berger had people give each other geographic directions, those on the receiving end who asked for clarification usually got the same directions thrown back at them, only louder. Very rarely did direction-givers change the route. When they did, the response took 8.3 seconds, versus the 3.3 seconds it took to answer only with a yell.

Do we pick up such patterns from early inter-actions with our parents, or does the frustration and anger at not being understood prompt us to shout.? This much Berger will say: It's probably not the latter. Speech rate usually goes up with anger, and it didn't in his study.

Psychology Today, Nov 92
Article ID: 1758

Tools for Anger Work-Out ~ Eliminating Passive Aggressiveness

by http://www.coping.org/anger/passive.htm

What is passive aggressiveness?

I act in a passive aggressive way when I:

• hide my hostility by seeming to be nice to someone I dislike, and am unable to be honest with the person.
• say I agree with something but don't follow through because I really don't agree with it. act opposite to what others are expecting.
• quietly manipulate to get my own way after voicing a completely different opinion, just to keep the peace.
• seek revenge by agreeing and looking "good,'' but never following through on my promises. tell people what they want to hear, even if I don't believe in what I am saying.
• try to please people by agreeing to their plan of action, yet actually doing the opposite.
• act one way, which is true to my inner feelings, yet say another.
• am out of touch with my inner feelings; the only way to know how I feel about something is to observe my behavior, don't trust my words.
• hate something or someone but am afraid of letting my true feelings show.
• feel pressured to act or believe in a certain way when I really don't want to.
• avoid conflict at all cost by giving in to others, then procrastinate and never do what I agreed to do.
• am angry but afraid to show my anger, so I quietly take my revenge by doing the opposite.

What are the typical reactions to my passive aggressiveness?

When people recognize my passive aggressiveness they:

• are surprised.
• get disappointed.
• get angry.
• are confused by my behavior.
• confront me on my actions.
• realize that I lied to them.
• get frustrated by the inconsistency in my behavior.
• begin to do battle with me, resulting in a conflict greater than the one I originally tried to avoid.
• get upset and fly into a rage and this damages the relationship
• no longer trust me.
• resent me for being dishonest.
• act in a similar way with me and our communication winds up at a standstill where neither of us "wins.''
• feel challenged by me and in their competitive reaction become more adamant in seeking to achieve what I had originally verbally agreed to with them.

What irrational thinking keeps me being passive aggressive when I disagree with others?

• I must avoid an argument, fight or conflict at all costs.
• I never "win'' in confrontation.
• There is no use in opposing them, they are much more powerful than I am.
• I must please people by telling them what they want to hear.
• I never get anywhere by showing my anger openly.
• It's bad to get angry.
• No one wants to know how I feel.
• No one will understand how I feel.
• My problems are unique; I need to hide them since no one would understand.
• I am a loser and failure anyway; why try to defend my position?
• I will never "win'' in this situation; why try?
• I enjoy seeing people get blown away by my agreeing with them and then my doing the opposite of what I agreed to do.
• I'd rather back down right away to minimize the damages a fight could bring rather than tell people how I really feel about things.
• It's so hard to be honest with people about how I feel when what I feel is counter to what they want me to feel.
• It's important for people to like and accept me and I say anything just so long as they like me.
• It's not what I do or how I act that is important to people, it is what I say that influences them.
• People will never know I'm angry and disagree with them.
• I hide my feelings well from others.
• Feelings don't count. It is better to deny my feelings than upset another person I am in disagreement with.
• I'd rather lie than get into an argument with someone.
• If I lie about how I feel, others will never know the truth.

How can I recognize when someone is being passive aggressive with me?

I can tell that people are being passive aggressive with me when they:

• always agree with my point of view, even when I am being narrow minded or blind to other alternatives.
• never disagree or argue with my point of view.
• take every opportunity to "put me down'' in a humorous or sarcastic way.
• never confront me with their negative feelings.
• avoid discussions about unpleasant topics.
• are always cheerful and upbeat to my face; yet I hear from others how negative they are about me behind my back.
• "yes'' me constantly never disagreeing with anything I say.
• consistently do the opposite of what I thought they agreed to do.
• withdraw or pull away from me whenever I confront them with my anger or negative feelings about them.
• deny that they have any problems with our relationship.
• talk about others in a negative or disparaging way, yet are nice and friendly to their faces. demonstrate behavior inconsistent with their words.
• make me feel foolish for expecting one thing from them when they deliver the opposite.
• make me believe I can count on them to do something for me but they never follow through.
• talk with fantasy and magical thinking about how they are going to change, yet the change never occurs.
• show a consistent pattern of exerting no effort toward improving our relationship.
• talk or act irrationally in dealing with a problem, as if it were very easy to overcome and correct.
• minimize the extent of the problems facing us in our relationship.
• tend to patronize me and try to make me believe that I am just imagining problems between us.
• continue to deny that a problem exists when all the evidence points to the opposite.

How can I confront a passive aggressive person?

If others are being passive aggressive with me I can:

• point out the behavior that indicates passive aggressiveness on their part.
• point out the inconsistency between their words and actions.
• pay attention to their actions rather than their words, then give them feedback as to what their actions tell me about their feelings.
• ask for their true feelings reassuring them that there are no right or wrong feelings, and that it is OK to share negative feelings.
• ask them what has them so intimidated that they fear sharing their feelings with me.
• reassure them that we can reach a "win-win'' solution in our communication if we are willing to compromise.
• defuse the competition in our relationship. It doesn't matter "what'' we are discussing as long as we respect how each of us "feels'' about what we are discussing.
• remain open to any negative feelings they have and let them know this.
• begin to trust what they "do'' rather than what they "say'' and let them know that I am doing this.
• make myself more accessible to them.
• help them lessen their fear of rejection from me by reassuring them that I really do care.

If I find myself being passive aggressive, how can I correct this?

To avoid being passive aggressive with others I can:

• try to be assertive, open, and honest with my negative feelings or anger.
• warn people to "read'' my behavior rather than my words if they want to know my feelings.
• confront myself with my inconsistent behavior and challenge myself to explain it.
• take the risk to confront my anger assertively and "on the spot'' so that I can bring my behavior in line with my feelings.
• work at making my behavior consistent with my feelings.
• change the way I interact with people and make my relationships more honest.
• admit that I have been a liar.
• work at being more honest with people even if it results in a conflict.
• identify the irrational thinking that prevents me from confronting people when I am angry.
• learn how to become assertive with my negative feelings.
• accept that it is OK to have conflict and disagreement.
• learn to compromise and come to a ``win-win'' solution.

Why is it useful to eliminate my acting passive aggressive?

By eliminating passive aggressiveness when I am angry I could:

• have deeper, more honest, and longer lasting relationships.
• feel less stress, anxiety and depression in my dealings with others.
• learn to be clear and consistent about my feelings.
• reassure others that they will no longer have to guess how I "really feel.''
• stop resorting to lies about my feelings.
• develop self-respect, self-confidence, self-esteem, and self-worth.
• have more energy because I would no longer be defending myself from ``powerful, intimidating'' people.
• have clarity of focus and purpose, working on the things I want rather than what others want for me.
• have fewer people venting their rage on me.
• experience a sense of harmony in my life.

Steps to eliminating being passive aggressive

Step 1: First, I must begin to recognize this behavior when it occurs. To do this, I will answer the following questions in my journal:

A. What is my usual response when I disagree with someone who intimidates me?

B. How do I feel when I am angry or upset with someone who intimidates me?

C. How often do I agree with these people rather than confront them just to avoid conflict?

D. What benefits do I derive by avoiding confrontation?

E. What are my feelings after I have backed down from someone who intimidates me?

F. From whom have I backed down? How successful was this? How often did I go ahead with what I had planned, ignoring what these people wanted me to do? What usually resulted from my failure to follow through with my part of the plan?

G. What do I do now after I've backed down from a disagreement? Am I still passive aggressive? How can I tell? What are the results? How often does this happen?

H. Under what circumstances do I resort to passive aggressiveness?

I. What is involved in these situations? Why do I resort to passive aggressiveness?

J. What are the negative results of my passive aggressiveness?

Step 2: If I find that I am resorting to passive aggressiveness, then I need help to recognize the negative impact it has in my life. To do this I will record the following exercise in my journal.

My Passive Aggressive Ways

Write a story about five separate incidents during which I acted passive aggressive. In each story, detail:

• When it happened.
• With whom it happened.
• What I was angry about or over what we disagreed.
• Why I was intimidated.
• What I did later to show I was being passive aggressive.
• The reasons I acted the way I did.
• How others reacted to my passive aggressive behaviors.
• How others confronted me on how I was acting.
• What they told me about my behavior and how they felt about it.
• The final outcome of the situation.

Step 3: I am now ready to confront my past passive aggressiveness and ways I could change it. Complete the following exercise:

The Other Side of the Story
Write a sequel to each of the five stories from Step 2. In each sequel include:

• What I did differently when I first recognized that I was angry or had negative feelings.
• How I honestly confronted my feelings as being different from my behavior.
• How I made sure that my actions were consistent with my expressed feelings.
• How I gave others permission to "call me on it'' if I deviated from my expressed feelings.
• How others handle my being assertive with my anger and/or negative feelings.
• How we resolved the conflict or disagreement that resulted.
• The impact this confrontation had on our relationship.
• How the stress and anxiety of intimidation and power games was eliminated from our relationship.
• How I felt about learning to handle my anger and/or disagreements in a healthy way.
• The benefits of my being direct and assertive in confronting my anger and/or negative feelings with others.

Step 4: Once I've been able to rewrite my passive aggressive behavioral script, I need to apply it. Whenever I am angry or in disagreement with someone, I will strive to follow these tips:

Tips to Overcoming being Passive Aggressive

Tip 1: Tell the person immediately how I am feeling, even if I am angry or in disagreement.

Tip 2: Allow the other to express feelings openly as well.

Tip 3: Ask the other to allow for a compromise ``win win'' solution.

Tip 4: Ventilate feelings, then jointly brainstorm solutions.

Tip 5: Arrive at a solution in which we both "win.''

Tip 6: Act on solutions in which we both "win.".

Tip 7: Make sure my actions are consistent with the agreement.

Tip 8: Make sure my behavior is consistent with my feelings and what I said in the agreement.

Tip 9: Give the other person permission to point out when my behavior deviates from our agreement.

Tip 10: Monitor my emotions and renegotiate our solution if they aren't consistent with our compromise.

Tip 11: Let the other know if I get upset over the compromise with no masking of my feelings.

Tip 12: Confront intimidation openly and honestly.

Tip 13: Ensure that our relationship is based on honesty.

Tip 14: Accept the uniqueness and individuality of others, allowing each of us to be ourselves.

Step 5: If I find I am still resorting to passive aggressiveness then I need to return to Step 1, and begin again

Five keys to stay in love

These attitudes and behaviors form five keys that unlock the mystery of staying in love.

Key 1: Create safety, both physically and emotionally.

Each partner in a loving relationship lets the other express him or herself without fearing physical or mental punishment. The partners follow the motto “My loved one has a right to be truly themselves, even when that differs from me.” This motto lets each partner know that he or she is honored and valued by the other as a separate person.

Key 2: Handle conflict through good communication.

Stanford University professor Paul Watzlavick says, “Without conflict, there is no relationship.” That’s because you and your partner are distinct individuals who will always have differences. And differences invariably lead to some sort of conflict. But conflict doesn’t have to lead to fighting.

There are certain rules for good conflict management. Among them:

Make appointments to argue. When you get angry — and feel that you have a legitimate reason to express it — don’t just dump on the other person. Continually doing that eventually leads one of the partners to avoid conflict by leaving. Instead, ask permission to talk with the other person about the thing you’re angry about. If the person is genuinely not able to do it at that very moment, they should suggest another time, preferably within 24 hours.

When arguing, follow certain guidelines for expressing yourself. Be specific, and stay on the topic. When you have a gripe, come prepared with a suggestion to rectify the problem.

Describe the behavior that you are upset about. Statements like, “You are so sloppy!” are more effectively expressed as, “When you don’t pick up after yourself, I feel … (complete the sentence with an emotion).” Starting your sentences with “I feel …” removes judgments from the conversation and helps the listener hear you better.

Key 3: Help your mate to open up again if he or she acts closed to talking to you.

Practice the following four behaviors and your mate will open up like a flower — even if it may be only one petal at a time.

1. Become soft and tender with the person.

The first step is to become soft in your mind and spirit. Lower your voice and relax your facial expressions. This reflects honor and humility. And as Proverbs 15:1 suggests, “A gentle answer turns away anger …” Incidentally, wives, if your husband is not affectionate, remind yourself of this secret: If you want affection, be affectionate. Whatever you are looking for, become that and you will have a better chance of receiving it.

2. Understand as much as possible what your loved one has endured.

It is important to genuinely understand the pain your partner feels and why he or she considers your behavior offensive. Ask for your partner’s interpretation of what happened. The goal is to listen and understand what your mate is feeling. During this period, resist defending yourself, lecturing or questioning why he or she did or did not do something.

3. Acknowledge that your loved one has been wounded.

Then admit any wrong or unloving act you might have committed to provoke that hurt. And take ownership of the behavior your partner took issue with. A mate feels valuable when he or she hears you admit your mistake, and sees that you understand how he or she feels. Sometimes this is all it takes to open a closed spirit.

4. Seek forgiveness — and wait for a response.

This gives your partner an opportunity to respond to your confession. You’ll know true restoration has occurred when forgiveness is granted and he or she lets you touch them. Conversely, it’s important for the person being asked for forgiveness to forgive the one who apologized. Key 4: Communicate to create intimacy. Intimacy (which can be read as “into me see”) is defined as “relating to or indicative of one’s deepest nature.” Communication is a couple’s most potent tool to encourage intimacy. Follow three steps to improve communication: Mirroring, validation and empathizing.

Mirroring is a process of accurately reflecting back the content of a message. It’s done by repeating back to the speaker what you heard them say. Begin the mirror by saying something like, “If I got it correctly, you said …” If your partner agrees you got it correctly, then go to the next step. If he or she says you got it wrong or missed something, then ask him or her to say it again, perhaps in different words — and continue mirroring until you get it right.

Validation means you’re letting your partner know they make sense. You’re setting aside your own frame of reference and appreciating the logic, reality and worth of your partner within his or her frame of reference. By truthfully saying “You make sense” and explaining why they make sense, you send a message that your partner’s way of looking at things is valid, from their perspective. By validating, you’re not necessarily agreeing with your partner. You’re simply showing that you understand where your partner is coming from.

Empathizing is a process of recognizing the feelings of the other person while he or she is expressing a point of view or telling a story. It is typically accomplished by reflecting and imagining the feelings the other person is expressing. For example, you might say: “I hear your disappointment, and I can imagine you might also feel sad about that. Is that what you’re feeling?” Your partner may then say yes, and you can let them know that after listening to them, you genuinely feel their sadness. Or your partner might say no. If this happens, give them a chance to say how they really feel so you can truly understand and empathize with their feelings. When you engage in this type of dialogue with your partner, you understand him or her and, at least for a moment, you see the world through their eyes. A beneficial result is that trust and closeness between you will grow.

An important rule to remember throughout this dialogue process: Don’t interrupt the speaker.

Key 5: Practice Gratitude.

Each day, make a mental list of what you appreciate about your mate — and let them know what you appreciate. Look at what they’re doing and thank them on the spot, whenever possible.

Touching them while expressing thanks makes the verbal affirmation even more powerful.
Using these five keys will help keep your relationship fresh, alive and growing.

20 Do's & Don'ts of a Functional Relationship

How to attract emotionally healthy people

1. Who you think you are is important. Like attracts like. Think about it. Do you like who you are?

2. What you want in a relationship is important, and when you are willing to ask for it, you will be able to create it. But only ask for what you want when you are clear about what it is. Until then, don’t go around demanding things you just think you should have.

3. We get exactly what we focus on. The problem or the solution. We make a choice between them with every decision we make.

4. Tell yourself the truth about what you want, not what others (family, friends, spouse) say you should have.

5. Tell everyone else your truth about what you want. Don’t be afraid to share your vision and dreams with those you love.

6. You are not defined by your relationships unless you choose to be. Consider what it says about you if you deed over you soul to one (partner/relationship).

7. Interdependent (two independent functional people) relationships are the only ones that work, long term. (Not dependant or co-dependant)

8. Truth is the first thing necessary to create trust in our relationships. Respect is earned from trust, and love is earned from respect. Intimacy is the gift we get when we risk telling the truth. * See the hierarchy of a functional relationship

9. Fear of intimacy is fear of the truth. Your truth is better for you than someone else's. Just get to know what it is, so you can finally own it, and speak it.

10. If your relationship is not getting better, it is probable getting worse. Life is dynamic and nothing ever stays the same.

11. Every relationship is unique. It takes what it takes to work. If you want it to work, you have to work it. No shortcuts. No 50/50 deals.

12. It is not your job to fix your mate, and it is not his or her job to fix you. Take this relationship and what your mate says at face value and stop reading into it what you’d like to hear. We can work with what’s real. It is impossible to deal with what’s not real.

13. Unconditional love is an inside job. If you haven’t gotten it by now, guess what...start working from within. When you can give it to yourself, you will be ready to give it to someone else. If you can give it to someone else, you will recognize it when it is being given to you. Joy can only be experienced in the present moment.

14. If you both are committed to creating a functional relationship, agree to start doing it today, without any judgments about the past. Be willing to work in the solution and let go of your need to control the outcome, moment to moment, one day at a time

15. Most of our fears about what may happen in this relationship are really fears we experienced in past relationships, and have nothing to do with this person. Come to grips with what's real and what's Memorex! .

16. When in an argument, ask yourself Does this really PASS THE SO WHAT TEST? For you to be right does the other person have to be wrong? Think about it. Life is short. Do not waste it on arguments that have no meaning or purpose. You can always agree to disagree if you need to. Then laugh about it, and go on to the next thing. Start observing your need to argue as just another dysfunctional, immature habit that needs to be broken.

17. When we finally learn to say we are sorry (at 3 or 93), we get to finally hear we are O.K. To error is human, and there is great virtue in all forgiveness, ourselves included. The best way to teach our children this lesson is by watching us demonstrates it.

18. Any negative, hurtful or sarcastic remark is abusive. Like a sharp knife, each word will carve out a chunk of a loving relationship that can never grow back. Please consider the source and outcome of your remarks; before you open you mouth to tell your truth.

19. Never let a day go by without saying and showing how much your relationship and partner mean to you. Never take a moment for granted. Express how grateful you are for your good fortune, however meek or humble it may be. Appreciation and gratefulness have magic in them. It seems the more we express them, the more reasons we are given to say thank you.

20. To have a functional relationship you have to be willing to risk loosing it everyday, by telling your truth. If you don't feel free to tell your truth, start asking yourself why you think it's so important to stay, and what else you are willing to lose besides your self-esteem. …. For starters, you can ask your mate to tell their truth, and be willing to accept it at face value, with no judgment. Now you both get to finally know if you each want a relationship based on what's real for each of you....For optimum results, start doing this in the first five minutes of meeting anyone.