Personal and Shared Space

By nononsenseselfdefense.com

Boundaries … some are very real and tangible, like the fence that runs along your property. Others are inside you, determining what you do, what you don't do and what you will tolerate others doing to you.

What are boundaries?

A great deal has been said about people who have no boundaries and cannot stand up for themselves and how they are victimized by others -- sometimes violently. These people have not established those invisible boundaries of commitment to self; clarifying to themselves what they will and will not tolerate. Those are boundaries in their simplest forms.

However, there are another set of invisible boundaries that must be honored, much like that fence showing the limits of your yard. And these are other people's boundaries. The fence that keeps your neighbor's dog out, also keeps yours in. Boundaries work both ways. The prevent people from invading our space and they prevent us from invading the space of others.

By *not* knowing our boundaries, not only *don’t* we know when our space is being invaded, but just as importantly we *don’t* know when we are invading the space of others. It is not until we understand this dual nature of boundaries that we can begin to be truly safe from violence.

This is especially true when the issue of ‘defending our boundaries’ comes up. While it may sound absurd, many incidents have escalated into violence because the "victim" invades the attacker's space. At its most basic level, your right to defend yourself stops at your boundaries. Proceeding beyond this point makes you the aggressor.

Invading, not defending

Popular misconception is that passiveness and "letting people walk all over you" provokes violent attacks. Like the idea that rape happens with a stranger jumping out of the bushes -- whereas the overwhelming majority occur between people who know each other -- this is a minute issue that has been blown out of proportion by the popular media and culture. This perception has become so entrenched in the public mind that it obscures the realities.

The most significant of those overlooked realities is that most violence is, in fact, provoked, not by the victim's passiveness, but aggression.

Many people think that protecting your boundaries and being verbally aggressive are one and the same. This is an easy line to cross because at times like this emotions run high, blinding the people involved to what they are actually doing. They think a would-be assailant will be warned away if they make an intimidating strident and degrading production. Against ‘lightweights’ this is true; such people will be intimidated and back off.

Many people do not recognize the danger they are putting themselves in with this tactic.

But what about it's proven track record? They have used this tactic many times and with success. Assuming this strategy to be effective is, in fact, a mistake. It can earn one the reputation of being unreasonable among more sophisticated individuals. Which causes you long term damage. Furthermore, if you attempt this with a like-minded individual it can easily escalate into a heated exchange of verbal attacks, hysterics and hurt feelings

In truth though, this approach doesn't often have much to do with why a physical assault didn't take place. In many cases the potential assailant recognized that the behavior was attracting the attention of people who might successfully stop him. The presence of others, not what the person was doing, is what caused him to decide . In a round about way, it was could be called successful, but not for the reason the defender might think.

However...

What most people don’t realize is that such a production can also provoke a much more ferocious assault – especially from those who habitually use violence. Engaging in this same behavior with such a person while in an isolated area can have disastrous results. As will it if there is nobody present who the attacker feels would successfully interfere with his assault on you. Often the savagery of such attacks does deter people from helping. It is also common that the attacker becomes so upset with the verbal abuse that he decides to attack despite the presence of on-lookers and potential help.

There is a very important issue that must be considered when it comes to how we verbally deal with a potential assailant. Its essence is found in the old Roman saying, "A barking dog isn’t biting." Loud verbal hostility doesn’t show commitment to protect your boundaries. What it does show is that you are scared and not ready to physically remove someone from those boundaries. Realize that while such behavior might intimidate you, it won’t intimidate someone who is physically violent. By invading "his space" you have also in effect told him you don’t know where those boundaries are. And if you don't know where the boundaries are, then you also don't know when it is time to physically defend yourself. And that means he knows that you are vulnerable to assault.

If you are verbally aggressive with a would-be assailant, you've just crossed HIS personal boundaries -- you've upped the ante to where words might beget blows or worse. He probably began with a test to see if you were an easy victim. Your aggressive behavior has ensured that it is a matter of pride and honor that he attack you. Be very aware of this possibility.

A growling dog is more ready to bite than a barking dog. Don't think that potentially violent people don't know that applies to people too. Or that it doesn't effect who they misbehave with.

Personal and shared space

Now let's look at something else that is tangible, but also can be applied to the concept of boundaries. That is the idea of personal and shared space. Human beings need both to exist.

If you ever have had a roommate, you're acquainted with one of the better ways to explain this concept.. Personal space can be likened to your individual bedrooms. You have one, your roommate has one. And that space is yours and yours alone. How personal space is used, what is done in there is entirely up to the individual. How it is kept up, who is invited in and who is kept out are the rights of the person whose space it is. Shared space, however, is a space you both used. (e.g., the living room and kitchen). The rules were different in shared space. One of the most significant differences is that everybody must compromise.

Personal space is your space alone. It is your body, your thoughts and your emotions and if you live alone, your home. These are yours and nobody has the right to dictate how you maintain them, keep or use them. In as far as these boundaries go, you are literally the king or queen of your own domain.

Shared space, however, allows everyone there to fulfill life’s extra needs. Basically shared space is any situation were we have to go outside of ourselves or our private area in order to achieve an end or goal. These are areas were we gather, work, socialize, shop or take care of life's other's needs. They can also be social groups and their conventions or a relationship. While our personal space is for our own benefit and needs, shared space is for the benefit of everyone there.

However, there are responsibilities and rules that come with shared space. It is through convention and mutual agreement that we operate in shared space. Many of these issues are culturally determined, and we unconsciously adhere to them (see Dr. Desmond Morris, Manwatching) others are determined by a specific group or situation, while specific details are negotiated on a case-by-case basis.

Shared space can come in many levels, tangible publicly shared space can be supermarkets, malls, theaters, parking lots or workplaces. There is a large number of unwritten social rules about how people behave in shared space -- so as not to intrude on another’s personal space. How long do you look at a stranger (if you even look at him or her at all)? How closely do you pass on an uncrowded street? A crowded street? Where do your eyes rest in an elevator full of strangers? Even in publicly shared space, we have personal space. Many of the covenants of public shared space are designed not to invade another person’s private space.

Another level of shared space is the workplace. People come to work in order to get something they cannot get on their own, namely money. The nature of the profession, location and management style have significant influence on the "culture" of the workplace. While there, in order for everyone to achieve their mutual needs however, they are expected to conform to certain standards of behavior. These standards are not gratuitous, they in fact, often have been developed over time to avoid what would otherwise be common problems and to allow the greatest chances of mutual success. To achieve our greater needs, we accept and choose to abide by a more uniform standard of conduct. Although not financially beneficial, the same general process applies to participating with a particular social group or organization. Such a group has a certain set of shared standards in order to achieve ends. In such a case, the benefits, while just as critical, are often not obviously tangible.

Your home is a smaller version of this process. While individual family members bedrooms constitute personal space, the rest of the house and property are shared. The standards by which the rest of the house is kept and maintained for the benefit of all is an issue that must be negotiated and determined by all parties involved. One's right as how he or she keeps personal space ends where shared space begins.

In the most microcosmic version of personal and shared space you have a relationship with someone else. You and the other person, while each representing your own personal space, it is the relationship, your combined involvement, that represents shared space.

The source of many problems

It is a lack of understanding about the differences between personal and shared space that is the source of a great many conflicts, hurt feelings and stress. Some people have no concept where their personal space ends and shared space begins. Others intentionally treat shared space as though it were personal space. In either case you have a violation.

This is where the concept of "boundaries work both ways" become important. One of the most common trespasses is to treat shared space as personal space. To act - although you are in shared space - as though it is your own space. As such, you can do what you want or do to it what you will with no regard to anyone else's benefit or need. You do not have the right to dictate how things will be in shared space. That power is solely limited to inside your personal space.

A few simple examples of people treating shared space as though it were personal space come immediately to mind. A young bravado who turns his boom box to a deafening and annoying level in a public place is treating a shared space as his own personal domain. Now while his motivations for this behavior are debatable, the nature of the offense is not. He is violating a socially agreed upon standard of behavior. One designed so that everyone can peaceably co-exist and function in shared space. Another example is immediately recognizable by any parent of teenagers. And that is making a mess in shared space and leaving it for others to clean up. Motive, such as laziness, passive aggression, dominance or resistance to personal responsibility, for this sort of behavior can never be clearly established. That this is a clear violation of the rules of shared space, however, is unquestionable. When you look at this subject in this light, it does not take any effort to find examples of violation of shared space from your own life experiences -- and quite possibly a great many examples at that.

A more egregious violation occurs, however, when someone tries to extend their personal space, not only through shared space, but into another's personal space. This goes beyond simple rudeness and selfishness and -- depending on how severe the attempt -- starts heading into egomania, pathology and/or criminality (sometimes D) All of the above). People who try to control other people's personal space

Where do your rights start and end?

There is a much talk these days about "empowerment." Unfortunately, this model of personal and shared space tends to render that concept a moot point. When it comes to your personal space, your boundaries and your power, nobody can take it away from you. Only you can give it up or lose it. You can give it up by holding something more dear (i.e., security or personal beliefs) and sacrificing it to maintain that more valued ideal. Or you can lose it by frittering it away by not acting in a manner consistent with maintaining power. As such, another person is not so much, taking your power away as he is pouncing on an opportunity to get something. An opportunity that you presented him by not knowing your boundaries and what it takes to maintain them.

As stated, your personal space is yours and nobody else's. Nobody has the right to negate your thoughts or emotions. Nor do they have the right to tell you what to think or feel. Most especially nobody has the right to inflict their desires on your body without your expressed permission. These are your boundaries, your land, your home. And you have the right to do whatever it takes to defend against encroachment into your legitimate personal space. And the harder they push to encroach over that boundary the harder you are justified to push back to keep them off your land.

When it comes to shared space you have the absolute right to negotiate and compromise in order to get what you need. By the same token, however, you also have a responsibility to uphold those agreed upon standards.

What many people do not realize is that shared space is a win/win situation. That is to say *everybody* gets something out of it. In a functioning situation, the division of benefits is equal. If they are not, then something is amiss and the situation renegotiated. Furthermore since it is supposed to be a win/win situation for everybody's benefit, if someone isn't willing to negotiate and compromise, then you have the absolute right to leave and go to where you needs will be met. If that person isn't willing to compromise, then they don't get the benefit of your presence.

Git off mah land

Much of what we have said here is the groundwork for understanding where your boundaries start and end. With that understanding you can begin to build a working system to protect your legitimate boundaries. Without that understanding you cannot effectively defend your boundaries - because you won't know where they are and you will always be fighting shadows. But more importantly without that understanding you will violate the rules of shared and personal space and provoke a self-righteous retaliation from the people you are attempting to protect yourself from. If you violate that person's space, he or she will turn on you with the same outraged fury -- and for the same reason -- that you have. It won't matter who or what started it, or what perceived trespasses they may have visited on you, by violating their space, as far as they are concerned, you are in the wrong. And that is how feuds and long standing enmities are born -- or bloody murders done.

As we often say "You have the right to do what it takes to get someone off your property. The harder they push, the harder you are justified to push them back to your property line. However, you do not have the right to chase them down the street, across their front yard and onto their front porch. Nor do you have the right to tackle them in the middle of the street and beat the hell out of them for having trespassed on your property."

Shared Space distance rules and crime

One of the main sets of rules about shared space involve how closely we approach a stranger. Depending on the circumstances, it can range from five feet or more to inches. In an office lobby, you don’t come closer than five feet to strangers. However, in a crowded elevator we pull in those boundaries, sometimes to mere inches. We unconsciously know what is and what isn’t an acceptable distance in public and for the situation.

An unwarranted violation of these rules is a serious danger sign. For a criminal to be successful, he must break the unwritten social code and get close enough to violate your personal space. He has to do this to control you. A knife at two feet is a threat -- from there he leaves you no choice. But if he’s 10 feet away, you can run. He doesn’t have control. Therefore, in order for him to succeed, he has to approach you -- and in doing so, break the social codes.

Become a stickler for distance etiquette when you are in public -- do NOT let people approach you at inappropriate times. Unless you are in a line, crowded elevator or a crowd, don’t let anyone get closer than five feet. In a deserted parking lot, it’s 10 feet or more. That is your space, and he has no right to be there. If he tries to close, move wide. This will show you if it is an intentional or unintentional invasion. If you move and he continues on his way, it was unintentional. If he again veers towards you, be assured the invasion is intentional.

The time to communicate that you are not an easy target is when the criminal is in shared space. Don't allow him to violate the distance rules of shared space. Now is the time to show your commitment and knowledge of your boundaries. You are not invading his space, while at the same time not allowing him to invade yours. Your body language and actions will let him know that he cannot safely enter your space. This is where the habits, positioning and awareness of the Pyramid of Personal Safety come into play.

Why is this effective? Because until he actually commits himself to an attack, it is a game of chess. Even though he is up to no good, he has the right to be in shared space. Technically, he hasn’t done anything yet. You can keep him out of your personal space, but you can’t make him leave shared space. A cop or security guard can, but it’s not your job. If you try, you are escalating the situation.

If you do not stop someone in shared space and they invade your personal space, you must either defend yourself or be victimized. By dealing with issues in shared space, you allow yourself the freedom to move and, if necessary, leave the area. If you do a strategic withdrawal, head for the lights and the noise.

The concepts of personal and shared space -- both mental and physical -- are an integral part of avoiding being robbed or raped by a stranger. However, the reality of violence is that only a minute amount occurs between strangers. Most violence occurs between people who know one another. Awareness of personal and shared space not only prevents domestic violence and rape, but also benefits personal relationships.

Defense Mechanisms

By Cross Creek Family Counseling Online

A number of phenomena are used to aid in the maintenance of repression. These are termed Ego Defense Mechanisms (the terms "Mental Mechanisms" and "Defense Mechanisms" are essentially synonymous with this).

The primary functions of these mechanisms are:

1. to minimize anxiety
2. to protect the ego
3. to maintain repression

Repression is useful to the individual since:

1. it prevents discomfort
2. it leads to some economy of time and effort

Ego Defense Mechanisms include:

Acting Out:
The individual deals with emotional conflict or internal or external stressors by actions rather than reflections or feelings. This definition is broader than the original concept of the acting out of transference feelings or wishes during psychotherapy and is intended to include behavior arising both within and outside the transference relationship. Defensive acting out is not synonymous with "bad behavior" because it requires evidence that the behavior is related to emotional conflicts.

Affiliation:
The individual deals with emotional conflict or internal or external stressors by turning to others for help or support. This involves sharing problems with others but does not imply trying to make someone else responsible for them.

Aim inhibition:
Placing a limitation upon instinctual demands; accepting partial or modified fulfillment of desires. Examples: (1) a person is conscious of sexual desire but if finding it frustrating, "decides" that all that is really wanted in the relationship is companionship. (2) a student who originally wanted to be a physician decides to become a physician's assistant.

Aim inhibition, like the other mechanisms, is neither healthful nor pathological, desirable nor undesirable, in itself. It may be better to have half a loaf than no bread, but an unnecessary aim inhibition may rob one of otherwise attainable satisfactions.

Note that the first example could include the mechanism of displacement, and the second, rationalization. Up to a point, mutual idealization can make for a happy relationship; however, unrealistic expectations of another person based upon this mechanism can lead to serious disappointment.

Altruism:
The individual deals with emotional conflict or internal or external stressors by dedication to meeting the needs of others. Unlike the self-sacrifice sometimes characteristic of reaction formation, the individual receives gratification either vicariously or from the response of others.

Anticipation:
The individual deals with emotional conflict or internal or external stressors by experiencing emotional reactions in advance of, or anticipating consequences of, possible future events and considering realistic, alternative responses or solutions.

Autistic Fantasy:
The individual deals with emotional conflict or internal or external stressors by excessive daydreaming as a substitute for human relationships, more effective action, or problem solving.

Avoidance:
A defense mechanism consisting of refusal to encounter situations, objects, or activities because they represent unconscious sexual or aggressive impulses and/or punishment for those impulses; avoidance, according to the dynamic theory, is a major defense mechanism in phobias.

Compensation:
Encountering failure or frustration in some sphere of activity, one overemphasizes another. The term is also applied to the process of over-correcting for a handicap or limitation. Examples: (1) a physically unattractive adolescent becomes an expert dancer. (2) a youth with residual muscle damage from poliomyelitis becomes an athlete. (3) Demosthenes.

Conversion:
Conflicts are presented by physical symptoms involving portions of the body innervated by sensory or motor nerves. This mechanism and somatization are the only ones that are always pathological. Examples: a man's arm becomes paralyzed after impulses to strike another (2) regular heavy drinking limited to weekends; (3) long periods of sobriety interspersed with binges of daily heavy drinking lasting for weeks or months.

Deflection:
Also detected when the individual is in group therapy and consists of redirecting attention to another group member.

Denial:
Failing to recognize obvious implications or consequences of a thought, act, or situation. Examples: (1) a person having an extramarital affair gives no thought to the possibility of pregnancy. (2) persons living near a volcano disregard the dangers involved. (3) a disabled person plans to return to former activities without planning a realistic program of rehabilitation.

Devaluation:
The individual deals with emotional conflict or internal or external stressors by attributing exaggerated negative qualities to self or others.

Displacement:
A change in the object by which an instinctual drive is to be satisfied; shifting the emotional component from one object or idea to another. Examples: (1) a woman is abandoned by her fiance’; she quickly finds another man about whom she develops the same feelings; (2) a salesman is angered by his superior but suppresses his anger; later, on return to his home, he punishes one of his children for misbehavior that would usually be tolerated or ignored.

Displacements are often quite satisfactory and workable mechanisms; if one cannot have steak, it is comforting to like hamburger equally well. As the March Hare observed, "I like what I have is the same as I have what I like." However, the example of displaced anger illustrates a situation which, if often repeated, could cause serious complications in the person’s life. Conscious acceptance of a substitute with full recognition that it is a substitute for something one wants is an analog of displacement.

Dissociation:
Splitting-off a group of thoughts or activities from the main portion of consciousness; compartmentalization. Example: a politician works vigorously for integrity in government, but at the same time engages in a business venture involving a conflict of interest without being consciously hypocritical and seeing no connection between the two activities.

Some dissociation is helpful in keeping one portion of one's life from interfering with another (e.g., not bringing problems home from the office). However, dissociation is responsible for some symptoms of mental illness; it occurs in "hysteria" (certain somatoform and dissociative disorders) and schizophrenia, The dissociation of hysteria involves a large segment of the consciousness while that in schizophrenia is of numerous small portions. The apparent splitting of affect from content often noted in schizophrenia is usually spoken of as dissociation of affect, though isolation might be a better term.

Fixation:
The cessation of the process of development of the personality at a stage short of complete and uniform mature independence is known as fixation.

Help-Rejecting Complaining:
The individual deals with emotional conflict or internal or external stressors by complaining or making repetitious requests for help that disguise covert feelings or hostility or reproach toward others, which are then expressed by rejecting the suggestions, advice, or help that others offer. The complaints or requests may involve physical or psychological symptoms or life problems.

Humor:
The individual deals with emotional conflict or external stressors by emphasizing the amusing or ironic aspects of the conflict or stressors.

Idealization:
Overestimation of the desirable qualities and underestimation of the limitations of a desired object. Examples: (1) a lover speaks in glowing terms of the beauty and intelligence of an average-looking woman who is not very bright. (2) a purchaser, having finally decided between two items, expounds upon the advantages of the one chosen.

Identification:
Similar to introjection, but of less intensity and completeness. The unconscious modeling of one's self upon another person. One may also identify with values and attitudes of a group. Examples: (1) without being aware that he is copying his teacher, a resident physician assumes a similar mode of dress and manner with patients. (2) a school girl wants her mother to buy her the same kind of shoes her classmates are wearing; she angrily rejects the idea that she is trying to be like the other girls and insists that the shoes are truly the best available and are the style she has always wanted. Conscious analogs of identification are intentional imitation of others and volitional efforts to conform to a group.

Incorporation:
The assimilation of the object into one's own ego and/or superego. This is one of the earliest mechanisms utilized. The parent becomes almost literally a part of the child. Parental values, preferences, and attitudes are acquired.

Intellectualization:
The individual deals with emotional conflict or internal or external stressors by the excessive use of abstract thinking or the making of generalizations to control or minimize disturbing feelings.

Introjection:
The process of assimilation of the picture of an object (as the individual conceives the object to be). For example, when a person becomes depressed due to the loss of a loved one, his feelings are directed to the mental image he possesses of the loved one.

Isolation:
The splitting-off of the emotional components from a thought. Example: a medical student dissects a cadaver without being disturbed by thoughts of death. Isolation may be temporary (affect postponement). Example: a bank teller appears calm and cool while frustrating a robbery but afterward is tearful and tremulous.

The mechanism of isolation is commonly over utilized by obsessive compulsives.

Omnipotence:
The individual deals with emotional conflict or internal or external stressors by feeling or acting as if he or she possesses special powers or abilities and is superior to others.

Passive Aggression:
The individual deals with emotional conflict or internal or external stressors by indirectly and unassertively expressing aggression toward others. There is a facade of overt compliance masking covert resistance, resentment, or hostility. Passive aggression often occurs in response to demands for independent action or performance or the lack of gratification of dependent wishes but may be adaptive for individuals in subordinate positions who have no other way to express assertiveness more avertly.

Projection:
Attributing one's thoughts or impulses to another person. In common use, this is limited to unacceptable or undesirable impulses. Examples: (1) a man, unable to accept that he has competitive or hostile feelings about an acquaintance, says, “He doesn’t like me.” (2) a woman, denying to herself that she has sexual feelings about a co-worker, accuses him, without basis, of flirt and described him as a “wolf.”

This defense mechanism is commonly over utilized by the paranoid.

A broader definition of projection includes certain operations that allow for empathy and understanding of others. Recognition that another person is lonely or sad may be based not upon having seen other examples of loneliness or sadness and learning the outward manifestations but upon having experienced the feelings and recognizing automatically that another person’s situation would evoke them. [projective identification]

Projective Identification:
As in projection, the individual deals with emotional conflict or internal or external stressors by falsely attributing to another his or her own unacceptable feelings, impulses, or thoughts. Unlike simple projection, the individual does not fully disavow what is projected. Instead, the individual remains aware of his or her own affects or impulses but mis-attributes them as justifiable reactions to the other person. Not infrequently, the individual induces the very feelings in others that were first mistakenly believed to be there, making it difficult to clarify who did what to whom first. [projection]

Rationalization:
Offering a socially acceptable and apparently more or less logical explanation for an act or decision actually produced by unconscious impulses. The person rationalizing is not intentionally inventing a story to fool someone else, but instead is misleading self as well as the listener. Examples: (1) a man buys a new car, having convinced himself that his older car won't make it through the winter. (2) a woman with a closet full of dresses buys a new one because she doesn't have anything to wear.

Reaction Formation:
Going to the opposite extreme; overcompensation for unacceptable impulses.Examples: (1) a man violently dislikes an employee; without being aware of doing so, he "bends overbackwards" to not criticize the employee and gives him special privileges and advances. (2) a person with strong antisocial impulses leads a crusade against vice. (3) a married woman who is disturbed by feeling attracted to one of her husband's friends treats him rudely.

Intentional efforts to compensate for conscious dislikes and prejudices are sometimes analogous to this mechanism.

Regression:
By another anxiety-evading mechanism known as regression, the personality may suffer a loss of some of the development already attained and may revert to a lower level of adaptation and expression.

Repression:
The involuntary exclusion of a painful or conflictual thought, impulse, or memory from awareness. This is the primary ego defense mechanism; others reinforce it.

Resistance:
This defense mechanism produces a deep-seated opposition to the bringing of repressed (unconscious) data to awareness. Through its operation, the individual seeks to avoid memories or insights which would arouse anxiety.

Restitution:
The mechanism of relieving the mind of a load of guilt by making up or reparation (paying up with interest).

Self-Assertion:
The individual deals with emotional conflict or stressors by expressing his or her feelings and thoughts directly in a way that is not coercive or manipulative.

Somatization:
Conflicts are represented by physical symptoms involving parts of the body innervated by the sympathetic and parasympathetic system. Example: a highly competitive and aggressive person, whose life situation requires that such behavior be restricted, develops hypertension.

Splitting:
This term is widely used today to explain the coexistence within the ego of contradictory states, representative of self and others, as well as attitudes to self and others; other individuals or the self is perceived as "All good or all bad.

Sublimation:
Attenuating the force of an instinctual drive by using the energy in other, usually constructive activities. This definition implies acceptance of the Libido Theory; the examples do not require it. Sublimation is often combined with other mechanisms, among them aim inhibition, displacement, and symbolization. Examples: (1) a man who is dissatisfied with his sex life but who has not stepped out on his wife becomes very busy repairing his house while his wife is out of town. Thus, he has no time for social activities. (2) a woman is forced to undertake a restrictive diet; she becomes interested in painting and does a number of still life pictures, most of which include fruit.

The conscious use of work or hobbies to divert one’s thoughts from a problem or from a rejected wish is an analog of this. Sublimation is often a desirable mechanism. However, the consequences may, in addition to preventing instinctual satisfaction, interfere with the person's life in other ways if disproportionate time, money, or effort is used in the activity.

Substitution:
Through this defense mechanism, the individual secures alternative or substitutive gratification comparable to those that would have been employed had frustration not occurred.

Suppression:
Usually fisted as an ego defense mechanism but actually the conscious analog of repression; intentional exclusion of material from consciousness. At times, suppression may lead to subsequent repression. Examples: (1) a young man at work finds that he is letting thoughts about a date that evening interfere with his duties; he decides not to think about plans for the evening until he leaves work. (2) a student goes on vacation worried that she may be failing; she decides not to spoil her holiday by thinking of school. (3) a woman makes an embarrassing faux pas at a party; she makes an effort to forget all about it.

In the first example, suppression was probably a desirable mechanism since it permitted concentration on work and deferred dealing with plans for the evening until a more appropriate time. In the second instance, suppression would have been undesirable if failing work could have been corrected during vacation or if a realistic appraisal of probable consequences of the school situation would have permitted battery planning.

Symbolization:
An object or act represents a complex group of objects and acts, some of which may be conflictual or unacceptable to the ego; objects or acts stand for a repressed desire. Examples: (1) a soldier, when asked why he volunteered, he said, "To defend the flag." He rejects as irrelevant a question about the purpose of the war. (2) a boy asks for a girl's hand (in marriage).

As in the second illustration, symbolization is often combined with displacement. it is one of the mechanisms usually involved in phobias. [avoidance] [displacement]

Undoing:
An act or communication which partially negates a previous one. Examples: (1) two close friends have a violent argument; when they next meet, each act as if the disagreement had never occurred. (2) when asked to recommend a friend for a job, a man makes derogatory comments which prevent the friend's getting the position; a few days later, the man drops in to see his friend and brings him a small gift.

In a conscious analog of this, Napoleon made it a practice after reprimanding any officer to find some words of praise to say at their next meeting.

The Journey to the Emotional Frontier Within - Emotional Defense Mechanisms

By Robert Burney M.A.

"Until we can forgive ourselves and Love ourselves we cannot Truly Love and forgive any other human beings - including our parents who were only doing the best they knew how. They, too, were powerless to do anything any different - they were just reacting to their wounds.

It is necessary to own and honor the child who we were in order to Love the person we are. And the only way to do that is to own that child's experiences, honor that child's feelings, and release the emotional grief energy that we are still carrying around."

***

"We cannot learn to Love without honoring our Rage!

We cannot allow ourselves to be Truly Intimate with ourselves or anyone else without owning our Grief.

We cannot clearly reconnect with the Light unless we are willing to own and honor our experience of the Darkness.

We cannot fully feel the Joy unless we are willing to feel the Sadness.

We need to do our emotional healing, to heal our wounded souls, in order to reconnect with our Souls on the highest vibrational levels. In order to reconnect with the God-Force that is Love and Light, Joy and Truth."

Codependence: The Dance of Wounded Souls

Emotions are energy. Actual physical energy that is manifested in our bodies. Emotions are not thoughts - they do not exist in our mind. Our mental attitudes, definitions, and expectations can create emotional reactions, can cause us to get stuck in emotional states - but thoughts are not emotions. The intellectual and emotional are two distinctly separate though intimately interconnected parts of our being. In order to find some balance, peace, and sanity in recovery it is vitally important to start separating the emotional from the intellectual and to start setting boundaries with, and between, the emotional and mental parts of our self.

Many of us learned to live in our heads. To analyze, intellectualize, and rationalize as a defense against feeling our feelings. Some of us went to the other extreme and lived life based on our emotional reactions without any intellectual balance. Some of us would swing from one extreme to the other. Living life in the extremes or swinging between the extremes is dysfunctional - it does not work to create a balanced, healthy, happy life.

If you learned to live life in your head it is vitally necessary to start becoming more aware of your body and what is happening in your body emotionally. Where is there tension, tightness? Where is the energy manifesting in my body? I learned that when there is energy congregating in my upper chest it was sadness. If it was around my heart chakra it was hurt. Anger and fear manifest in my stomach. Until I started to become aware of, and identify, the emotional energy in my body it was impossible for me to be emotionally honest with myself. It was impossible for me to start owning, honoring, and releasing the emotional energy in a healthy way until I became aware that it was there.

I had to become aware that there were such things as emotions that lived in my body and then I had to start learning how to recognize and sort them out. I had to become aware of all the ways that I was trained to distance myself from my feelings. I am going to mention a few of them here to help any of you reading this in your process of becoming emotionally honest.

Speaking in the third person. One of the defenses many of us have against feeling our feelings is to speak of ourselves in the third person. "You just kind of feel hurt when that happens" is not a personal statement and does not carry the power of speaking in the first person. "I felt hurt when that happened" is personal, is owning the feeling. Listen to yourself and to others and become aware of how often you hear others and yourself refer to self in the third person.

Avoiding using primary feeling words. There are only a handful of primary feelings that all humans feel. There is some dispute about just how many there are primary but for our purpose here I am going to use seven. Those are: angry, sad, hurt, afraid, lonely, ashamed, and happy. It is important to start using the primary names of these feelings in order to own them and to stop distancing ourselves from the feelings. To say "I am anxious" or "concerned" or "apprehensive" is not the same as saying "I am afraid." Fear is at the root of all those other expressions but we don't have to be so aware of our fear if we use a word that distances us from fear. Expressions like "confused," "irritated," "upset," "tense," "disturbed," "melancholy," "blue," "good," or "bad" are not primary feeling words.

Emotions are energy that is meant to flow: E - motion = energy in motion. Until we own it, feel it and release it, it cannot flow. By blocking and repressing our emotions we are damming up our internal energy and that will eventually result in some physical or mental manifestation such as cancer or alzheimers disease or whatever.

Until we can start being emotionally honest with ourselves it is impossible to be truly honest on any level with anybody. Until we start becoming emotionally honest with ourselves it is impossible to know who we Truly are. Our emotions tell us who we are and without emotional honesty it is impossible to be True to our self because we don't know ourselves.

Of course there is a very good reason we have had to be emotionally dishonest. It is because we are carrying around unresolved grief - suppressed pain, terror, shame, and rage energy from our childhoods. Until we deal with our unresolved grief and start releasing the suppressed, pressurized emotional energy from our past it is impossible to be comfortable in our own skins, in the moment, in an emotionally honest, age-appropriate way. Until we become willing to take the journey to the emotional frontier within us we cannot Truly know who we are, we cannot Truly start to forgive and Love ourselves.

Makow-Why Men Are Losing Interest in Women

The Ravages of Feminism

By Henry Makow, Ph.D.9-29-3

ABC TV's flagship public affairs program "20/20" Friday was devoted to the "biggest secret of American marriage."

http://abcnews.go.com/sections/2020/Living/2020_sexlessmarriage030926.html

"As many as 20% of American marriages are sexless," host Barbara Walters intoned. "It's not women who don't want sex as you might expect, it's the men!"

The program focused on two couples. In both cases, feminist mind control is responsible for their problems but the TV show wouldn't admit this.

One man was married to an attractive 30-something woman who is a stripper! Reporter John Stossel thought this made her husband's indifference even more astonishing. The show's marital therapist, Michele Weiner-Davis, ignored this as an explanation for his impotence.

Feminist groupthink says a woman's sexuality is just like a man's, hers to enjoy (or sell). In this essentially lesbian mindset, the male's ability to respond to such a woman is irrelevant.

I beg to differ. The stripper's husband is impotent because he is a cuckold. Sex is an act of possession. The husband cannot possess his wife because she gives herself to hundreds of other men every day. She makes her living this way.

When a woman's sexuality is her own, essentially it belongs to any man. She becomes public property, which is what the framers of the Communist Manifesto envisaged. (Children also would belong to the state.) She is less fit for a long-term monogamous relationship.

A woman best thrives in the context of a loving marriage. Despite what feminism says, most women want to belong to one man, their husband.

The Second Couple

Here the wife criticizes and nags.

"I can't be myself," the husband says. "I'm walking on eggshells all the time."

By controlling her husband, the wife is emasculating him. He compensates by riding a Harley and volunteering at the local fire department.

The therapist suggests that the wife stop nagging and the husband listen. She doesn't notice that the husband responds only after the wife starts to cry.

Men respond to vulnerability in a woman not power. As I have said before, heterosexual love involves the exchange of power for love. Men want power. Women want love. The female surrenders and allows the male to protect and possess her.

In return for her acquiescence, the male loves her in the full sense of the word. He is in charge but he also wants her to be happy. This is natural when someone makes you happy.

My wife's mother gave her good advice: "Look for a man to take care of you but be able to take care of yourself."

PENIS EQUALS POWER

In the film The Crying Game (1992), director Neil Jordan captures the experience of the modern male: When the protagonist discovers his girlfriend has a penis, he rushes from the room and vomits.

The film notwithstanding, female impersonators are mostly women. By encouraging women to be "strong and independent", feminism has fitted them with a mental phallus. They have become like men and made men redundant. They try to coerce love as if men were hand puppets.

In reality, a woman's power consists in being without a penis, being everything a man is not. Not loud, aggressive, forceful, dynamic, muscular and driven. Some weak men are drawn to these "dynamic" women but they are really looking for themselves.

Feminine power consists in persuasion rather than force. A real woman relies on her moral authority and attraction, i.e. beauty, grace, charm, love and devotion. These women are extremely rare and naturally in great demand.

Men and women are different. Jonathan Swift remarked that women love flattery but generally men are embarrassed by it. This is because men are active and women are passive.

The universe is held in balance by these positive (active) and negative (passive) principles. Marriage is the way heterosexuals achieve balance.

MEN NEED TO TAKE CHARGE

Men have been emasculated. A man told me that he is afraid his wife would "go ballistic" if he asked her why she didn't even wash the dishes after he had spent the day doing home renovations.

An Australian man recently wrote to me: "For too long I have made girlfriends insecure by not telling them what I wanted because of a fear of appearing overbearing."

Men need to assert their just leadership and dump women who don't like it. There are plenty of fish in the sea and believe me they are biting. With patience and firmness, some feminists can be saved. The rest should be thrown back.

Generally speaking, men need to figure out what they want to accomplish with their life. We need to ask God what He wants us to do. Then define the role we want our wife to play and find a woman who is eager to play it.

This is want women want too. Women are attracted to dynamic men whom they cannot control. He must have a wholesome vision of life where she is cherished for her contribution.

FEMINIST ROAD KILL

Feminist propaganda teaches that sex roles are merely "stereotypes". As a result, millions of people are clueless about their sexual identities and suffer from arrested development. I was one of them.

At age 53 normally I would have had at least three children. Instead, I have one child and have been divorced three times. It took me until age 50 to figure out what was happening and make a successful marriage.

Feminism corrected some abuses and gave women more opportunity. But these reforms mask its real agenda. It is a psychological warfare program to depopulate and destabilize society, invented by the same Illuminists who gave us Communism. They exploit any grievance to advance their "New World Order" a system of world government that omits any mention of democracy.

Contrary to what media and educators would have us believe, the world is run by occult perverts and super rich criminals. This sounds outrageous I know. If it were fiction, I would have made up something more credible. Read William T Still, New World Order: The Ancient Plan of Secret Societies, 1990.

The Illuminists control us using the education system and mass media. We are conditioned to listen to others instead of trust our common sense and instincts. Generally speaking, people are very gullible.

CONCLUSION

The woman's role is to empower a man. He uses this power for her benefit. Together they are a team. Heterosexuality works this way.

We cannot conceive that the people who lead society wish us harm. But I'm afraid this is the case. Generally feminism has resulted in the degradation of women, family, and society.
Communism and Nazism were both dress rehearsals for the New World Order. But remember: Communism and Nazism both failed. The New World Order, a.k.a. "globalism" will fail too. The human race cannot be enslaved.

5 Secrets of Getting a Man to Open Up

by Dr. Brenda Shoshanna

"I don't know what he's thinking because he never tells me what is going on."

Sound familiar? In a recent poll, 42 percent of iVillage visitors say that they have a hard time getting their partner to share his feelings. When that happens, she feels shut out and he feels misunderstood. But in my years as a therapist and author, I've discovered something that many women don't realize. Men want to talk. Under the right conditions, they'll talk all night long. Most men desperately need to unburden themselves. So what's the secret to getting your guy to share? Read on -- and get ready to receive an earful.

Secret 1:
Real Men Fear Rejection -- Really!
It's true. Most men feel that women are very critical of them, and they worry that if they do open up, someone's going to laugh at them, leaving them rejected and humiliated. It's important for women to realize that a man's ego and sense of identity are generally more fragile than hers and more easily threatened. That is especially so when he's in an intimate relationship: He craves acknowledgment, feedback and knowing that he's pleased you. So if a man feels that you are going to judge him, or look at him differently as a result of what he says, you can be sure that he won't talk.

Not judging your partner means allowing him to say what is on his mind, and simply being willing to hear it. This does not mean that you don't have an opinion or that you can't offer it at some point. In order for him open up to you, he has to feel truly accepted for who he is, not for who you may want him to be. Be patient with him. If you respond to his thoughts by immediately offering your point of view with something like "Well, that's wrong. I don't agree" or, "Where did you get a crazy idea like that?" any man is going to clam right up. They're afraid if they say something too personal, it may not fit into the image you have of them, or the image they force themselves to project.

A man is many different things at different points in his life -- even at different points in the week or day. Don't be afraid to allow him to show you all different parts of himself. If you can let go of your expectations and really just try to find out who he is, he will immediately sense it, feel greatly at ease and enjoy talking to you.

Secret 2: Reveal Yourself as Well
There must be mutual disclosure between partners. Everybody has problems, fears and skeletons in the closet. Many guys think, "If I share this, she'll leave me." You have to show that this is not the case by revealing something about yourself that shows you have as much trust in him as he has in you.

When he starts to open up, listen to what he is saying, then take a step beyond and offer something positive in return. After he tells you something personal, say something like, "Well, that's not so bad. I've done worse." Or, "I really admire this about what happened" and pick something in the story you really do admire. (Don't make this up, though. It will fall flat and turn into manipulation. People always know when they are being manipulated on some level and it never works out.) Let him know you're on his team, that he is not alone with his experience.

Make sure as you give him feedback, that you take his side. Many women listen to the stories that men tell only to respond by telling him how he's been looking at it wrong. They take the side of someone else. In a story about work, for example, it's the coworker he's been having a hard time with. It is important, however, that you look at the situation from his point of view. This is not a time to teach or train him, it's a time to "make friends." When two people are making friends, they share their common experiences mutually and, because of that, experience closeness and comfort. Here, you're creating rapport, the feeling that the two of you occupy the same planet and live in a similar world.

It's amazing how many men feel tremendously alone. Not only have they been trained for silence, taught that it is unmanly to express what they are going through, they usually don't get feedback from the guys in their world. Your honest and positive feedback is vital. If you bond in this way, your partner will feel there is someone there who understands them and open up even more.

Secret 3: Let Go of the Past
Have you ever had a "discussion" with your partner that ended up turning into a litany of past grievances, the things he did wrong, the ways he hurt you, and what he owes you now? It happens at some point in nearly every relationship, but the fact remains; men cringe when they feel this coming.

When a man fears that his words will later be distorted, misunderstood, told to others or thrown back at him, it is impossible for him to open up. And the only way to move beyond this communication trap is to realize that whatever happened in the past, whatever he did or said, you were involved as well. All relationships are dances. No one is entirely good and no one entirely bad. In fact, rather than seeing anyone as good or bad, it is more useful to notice the roles being played in the relationship and the ways in which all of us become stuck in patterns that we don't know how to get out of.

For example, some women love playing the victim or martyr. They need the blame of the relationship in order to validate their own feelings and feel powerful over their partner. In fact, they may hold a man to them in this way for a while. But it's a sure sign that the communication has completely closed down and the relationship is on the rocks.

If you want to avoid or change this sorry state of affairs and help him speak to you openly, try this. Take responsibility for your part in the situation and see the ways in which you might have contributed to what happened. This does not mean blaming yourself, either. Just to look at the situation with a large eye. Focus on all the things he did "right," not "wrong." If you need more direction here, take out your journal and make lists of what you've received from the relationship and what you've given in return. Notice times when you were also less than perfect, and notice the ways in which both of you have grown and changed.

The ability to forgive may be just as simple as realizing that what was true a year ago about him (and about yourself as well) may not be true now. Stay focused in the present. True communication requires the ability to remain in the present and to let the past be over when it's done.

Secret 4: Become a Solid -- and Secure -- Listener
Is it even possible to have honest relationships? The assumption is that everybody's going to be honest. The truth is, few people are. And the main reason that people are dishonest is that the consequences are too big. Many men feel that women want and need to be lied to because they can't take the honest truth. Some of my clients have said that they fear telling their partner what is really going on in their lives, or how they truly feel because it will upset her. In fact, many women use their emotions to control men -- and control the relationship. They demand certain responses from men, and feel devastated if they don't get them. Then they're surprised when he shuts down and doesn't talk.

Unfortunately, many women also have strong images of how a man is "supposed" to feel, and think. That kind of fantasy makes the truth devastating, so they let the man know in many subtle ways that they do not want it. Sound familiar? We're all guilty of this from time to time, but being willing to listen to what he has to say is the beginning of a truly mature relationship. It gives the man the feeling that he has a solid partner who will be there with him through thick and thin.

If you're ready to break out of this unrealistic rut, it's time to ask yourself three things. How much of the truth you can tolerate? How much do you really want? Do you want your man to be a fantasy figure for you, or are you willing to allow him to become real? These are huge questions. Perhaps you cannot take all of the truth at once right now, but you can certainly build up your tolerance muscles and move in that direction.
Oddly enough, we all think that fantasy makes us feel wonderful, but in fact, the more reality we can take, the stronger we grow. The ability to accept honesty from others increases as we realize that true security comes not from the approval of others but from being true to ourselves.

Secret 5: Be True to Yourself -- Be Aware
It's an old question but a good one. How can we be true to another if we aren't true to ourselves? The best way to help a man open up is simply to be open yourself, be natural, be real and exude an atmosphere of warmth and acceptance. Those who we encounter in life are mirrors of different parts of ourselves and we attract certain people who each help us love another part of ourselves.

This is why it's important to apply the five topics covered here not only to the men in our lives but also to ourselves. For example, are you able to let go of judging yourself? Do you dismiss past grievances about the things you've done wrong? Or are you always dwelling on mistakes you've made, ways in which you've fallen short? When you treat yourself this way, it is only natural to do the same thing to your partner. If when young you were always scolded or made to feel inadequate in some way, you are likely to act the same way toward your man.

Awareness is crucial here. If you want to create a more open dynamic between your partner and yourself, take a strong inventory of the way you treat and regard yourself and the way you were treated by the significant others of your past. If you were hurt, this is your chance to make a decision to not live your life on automatic-pilot-of-the-past anymore. Turn it around. Decide to be kind and accepting, both of yourself and to the one you're with.

Sometimes we give in to another in the expectation of receiving the same in return. When that doesn't happen, silent fury starts to build. That is behaving with an agenda, giving mixed messages and not being true to another or yourself. In order to give of yourself truly, you have to realize that you "get" as much out of giving as out of receiving. When you give the other unconditional respect and regard, you are giving that to yourself as well. You are behaving in the best way possible, and the fine effects always reverberate back. When you treat others in a way you respect, you are building a sense of value and worth. If your partner doesn't reciprocate, you won't have to feel like it's your failing or loss. Instead you will easily move on to someone who is more like you.

The bottom line: Be true to yourself and you will find that it is contagious. The men (and women) you are with will start to behave the same way. They will communicate openly and naturally, not with a fixed agenda, not to manipulate or control. If they don't behave this way, they will naturally move out of your life -- to a place that is more appropriate for them.

You've got to find what you love

Stanford Report, June 14, 2005

'You've got to find what you love,' Jobs says

This is the text of the Commencement address by Steve Jobs, CEO of Apple Computer and of Pixar Animation Studios, delivered on June 12, 2005.

I am honored to be with you today at your commencement from one of the finest universities in the world. I never graduated from college. Truth be told, this is the closest I've ever gotten to a college graduation. Today I want to tell you three stories from my life. That's it. No big deal. Just three stories.

The first story is about connecting the dots.

I dropped out of Reed College after the first 6 months, but then stayed around as a drop-in for another 18 months or so before I really quit. So why did I drop out?

It started before I was born. My biological mother was a young, unwed college graduate student, and she decided to put me up for adoption. She felt very strongly that I should be adopted by college graduates, so everything was all set for me to be adopted at birth by a lawyer and his wife. Except that when I popped out they decided at the last minute that they really wanted a girl. So my parents, who were on a waiting list, got a call in the middle of the night asking: "We have an unexpected baby boy; do you want him?" They said: "Of course." My biological mother later found out that my mother had never graduated from college and that my father had never graduated from high school. She refused to sign the final adoption papers. She only relented a few months later when my parents promised that I would someday go to college.

And 17 years later I did go to college. But I naively chose a college that was almost as expensive as Stanford, and all of my working-class parents' savings were being spent on my college tuition. After six months, I couldn't see the value in it. I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life and no idea how college was going to help me figure it out. And here I was spending all of the money my parents had saved their entire life. So I decided to drop out and trust that it would all work out OK. It was pretty scary at the time, but looking back it was one of the best decisions I ever made. The minute I dropped out I could stop taking the required classes that didn't interest me, and begin dropping in on the ones that looked interesting.

It wasn't all romantic. I didn't have a dorm room, so I slept on the floor in friends' rooms, I returned coke bottles for the 5¢ deposits to buy food with, and I would walk the 7 miles across town every Sunday night to get one good meal a week at the Hare Krishna temple. I loved it. And much of what I stumbled into by following my curiosity and intuition turned out to be priceless later on. Let me give you one example:

Reed College at that time offered perhaps the best calligraphy instruction in the country. Throughout the campus every poster, every label on every drawer, was beautifully hand calligraphed. Because I had dropped out and didn't have to take the normal classes, I decided to take a calligraphy class to learn how to do this. I learned about serif and san serif typefaces, about varying the amount of space between different letter combinations, about what makes great typography great. It was beautiful, historical, artistically subtle in a way that science can't capture, and I found it fascinating.

None of this had even a hope of any practical application in my life. But ten years later, when we were designing the first Macintosh computer, it all came back to me. And we designed it all into the Mac. It was the first computer with beautiful typography. If I had never dropped in on that single course in college, the Mac would have never had multiple typefaces or proportionally spaced fonts. And since Windows just copied the Mac, its likely that no personal computer would have them. If I had never dropped out, I would have never dropped in on this calligraphy class, and personal computers might not have the wonderful typography that they do. Of course it was impossible to connect the dots looking forward when I was in college. But it was very, very clear looking backwards ten years later.

Again, you can't connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future. You have to trust in something — your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever. This approach has never let me down, and it has made all the difference in my life.

My second story is about love and loss.

I was lucky — I found what I loved to do early in life. Woz and I started Apple in my parents garage when I was 20. We worked hard, and in 10 years Apple had grown from just the two of us in a garage into a $2 billion company with over 4000 employees. We had just released our finest creation — the Macintosh — a year earlier, and I had just turned 30. And then I got fired. How can you get fired from a company you started? Well, as Apple grew we hired someone who I thought was very talented to run the company with me, and for the first year or so things went well. But then our visions of the future began to diverge and eventually we had a falling out. When we did, our Board of Directors sided with him. So at 30 I was out. And very publicly out. What had been the focus of my entire adult life was gone, and it was devastating.

I really didn't know what to do for a few months. I felt that I had let the previous generation of entrepreneurs down - that I had dropped the baton as it was being passed to me. I met with David Packard and Bob Noyce and tried to apologize for screwing up so badly. I was a very public failure, and I even thought about running away from the valley. But something slowly began to dawn on me — I still loved what I did. The turn of events at Apple had not changed that one bit. I had been rejected, but I was still in love. And so I decided to start over.

I didn't see it then, but it turned out that getting fired from Apple was the best thing that could have ever happened to me. The heaviness of being successful was replaced by the lightness of being a beginner again, less sure about everything. It freed me to enter one of the most creative periods of my life.

During the next five years, I started a company named NeXT, another company named Pixar, and fell in love with an amazing woman who would become my wife. Pixar went on to create the worlds first computer animated feature film, Toy Story, and is now the most successful animation studio in the world. In a remarkable turn of events, Apple bought NeXT, I returned to Apple, and the technology we developed at NeXT is at the heart of Apple's current renaissance. And Laurene and I have a wonderful family together.

I'm pretty sure none of this would have happened if I hadn't been fired from Apple. It was awful tasting medicine, but I guess the patient needed it. Sometimes life hits you in the head with a brick. Don't lose faith. I'm convinced that the only thing that kept me going was that I loved what I did. You've got to find what you love. And that is as true for your work as it is for your lovers. Your work is going to fill a large part of your life, and the only way to be truly satisfied is to do what you believe is great work. And the only way to do great work is to love what you do. If you haven't found it yet, keep looking. Don't settle. As with all matters of the heart, you'll know when you find it. And, like any great relationship, it just gets better and better as the years roll on. So keep looking until you find it. Don't settle.

My third story is about death.

When I was 17, I read a quote that went something like: "If you live each day as if it was your last, someday you'll most certainly be right." It made an impression on me, and since then, for the past 33 years, I have looked in the mirror every morning and asked myself: "If today were the last day of my life, would I want to do what I am about to do today?" And whenever the answer has been "No" for too many days in a row, I know I need to change something.

Remembering that I'll be dead soon is the most important tool I've ever encountered to help me make the big choices in life. Because almost everything — all external expectations, all pride, all fear of embarrassment or failure - these things just fall away in the face of death, leaving only what is truly important. Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked. There is no reason not to follow your heart.

About a year ago I was diagnosed with cancer. I had a scan at 7:30 in the morning, and it clearly showed a tumor on my pancreas. I didn't even know what a pancreas was. The doctors told me this was almost certainly a type of cancer that is incurable, and that I should expect to live no longer than three to six months. My doctor advised me to go home and get my affairs in order, which is doctor's code for prepare to die. It means to try to tell your kids everything you thought you'd have the next 10 years to tell them in just a few months. It means to make sure everything is buttoned up so that it will be as easy as possible for your family. It means to say your goodbyes.

I lived with that diagnosis all day. Later that evening I had a biopsy, where they stuck an endoscope down my throat, through my stomach and into my intestines, put a needle into my pancreas and got a few cells from the tumor. I was sedated, but my wife, who was there, told me that when they viewed the cells under a microscope the doctors started crying because it turned out to be a very rare form of pancreatic cancer that is curable with surgery. I had the surgery and I'm fine now.

This was the closest I've been to facing death, and I hope its the closest I get for a few more decades. Having lived through it, I can now say this to you with a bit more certainty than when death was a useful but purely intellectual concept:

No one wants to die. Even people who want to go to heaven don't want to die to get there. And yet death is the destination we all share. No one has ever escaped it. And that is as it should be, because Death is very likely the single best invention of Life. It is Life's change agent. It clears out the old to make way for the new. Right now the new is you, but someday not too long from now, you will gradually become the old and be cleared away. Sorry to be so dramatic, but it is quite true.

Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma — which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of others' opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.

When I was young, there was an amazing publication called The Whole Earth Catalog, which was one of the bibles of my generation. It was created by a fellow named Stewart Brand not far from here in Menlo Park, and he brought it to life with his poetic touch. This was in the late 1960's, before personal computers and desktop publishing, so it was all made with typewriters, scissors, and polaroid cameras. It was sort of like Google in paperback form, 35 years before Google came along: it was idealistic, and overflowing with neat tools and great notions.

Stewart and his team put out several issues of The Whole Earth Catalog, and then when it had run its course, they put out a final issue. It was the mid-1970s, and I was your age. On the back cover of their final issue was a photograph of an early morning country road, the kind you might find yourself hitchhiking on if you were so adventurous. Beneath it were the words: "Stay Hungry. Stay Foolish." It was their farewell message as they signed off. Stay Hungry. Stay Foolish. And I have always wished that for myself. And now, as you graduate to begin anew, I wish that for you.

Stay Hungry. Stay Foolish.

Thank you all very much.

10 Traits Men Look for in a Girlfriend

by Francesca Di Meglio

Our mission: To find out exactly what men are looking for in a good girlfriend. Impossible? Not exactly. We simply turned to Lisa Daily, syndicated relationship columnist and author of Stop Getting Dumped, who promises to help readers find and marry "the one" in three years or less. Daily followed her own advice and married her dream man, who proposed at the top of the Eiffel Tower after a six-month courtship. Now, she is determined to help other single gals do the same. A dating guru, Daily interviewed — and continues to do so — hundreds of bachelors to find out what makes a woman marriage material in this day and age. Here, Daily dishes about the 10 traits every man is looking for in a serious girlfriend:

1. She has a life of her own — and it's pretty good to boot. Ladies, this means that you take care of yourself, pay attention to your personal style and find time to hang with your fabulous friends and family. You seek adventure by traveling. And you take in life's pleasures — from indulging in dessert to walking through the park on a sunny day. "You don't expect your boyfriend to be your entire existence," says Daily. In other words, you're not waiting for some man to show up, so you can get your "real life" started.

2. She never makes the first move. This issue has been debated to death, and there is no true consensus. But Daily says that she strongly believes women should never, ever pursue a man. Instead, she suggests waiting for the man to initiate and plan dates. Her reasoning: If the woman is always the one calling, she will never know if he is really interested in her or if it's just convenient for him. She may find herself questioning the relationship every step of the way. Men simply aren't programmed to think like that and therefore are better suited to the chase, Daily says.

3. She is sexy without being trampy. This means something different at the beginning of the relationship than it does down the road, Daily says. In the beginning of courtship, a woman should refrain from making any comments that are overtly sexual. She also flirts by using nonsexual touch like placing her hand on his forearm or even the knee but only briefly. When the relationship gets more serious, and presumably more intimate, sexual touch and public displays of affection are more appropriate. At this point, it's okay to play footsie under the table.

4. She waits to have sex. Yes, the sexual revolution arrived long ago and few people expect a "pure white bride" nowadays. But sex is still a pretty big step for couples. Daily says that many women don't even realize just how much sex changes the dynamics of a relationship. When women have sex, they release a hormone called oxytocin (also referred to as "the cuddle hormone"), which some scientific researchers believe makes women feel extra warm and fuzzy for their sex partners. Daily warns that if women do the deed too soon, they might make too much of a relationship that barely ever existed outside of the bedroom. When you inflate the significance of a relationship, the man often bolts. Daily's advice is to wait at least one month into the relationship before having sex with your new man.

5. She does little things to show she cares. Daily has one friend who noticed that her traveling salesman boyfriend never had time to get his shirts washed, so he would just go out and buy new ones. Her friend started to drop off his laundry at the dry cleaners once a week. Daily herself cooks for her husband. "It's as if he doesn't even know where the kitchen is," she says. "But that's not to say that he starves when I'm out of town." No, you do not have to turn into June Cleaver. The bottom line is that you should want to do the little things that let him know you care and you are paying attention to his individual needs. And he should do the same for you. Daily boasts that her man scrapes the ice off her windshield on cold winter mornings!

6. She should be her boyfriend's best wingman — err, wing woman. Help him to look good in front of the boss, advises Daily. Laugh at his jokes and help him shine when it is important. Of course, again, he should do the same for you.

7. She never turns on the pressure. This one is important. Men have a distinct aversion to any sort of pressure, says Daily. Therefore, women should avoid calling and/or emailing him many times during the day or dropping hints about the future. In fact, keep the dreaded M-word (marriage) out of your vocabulary all together. "Men don't want to constantly take the pulse of a relationship," says Daily. "They would rather just enjoy it."

8. She does not take any crap — from anyone. A good woman never accepts bad behavior. Guys respect women with whom they can't get away with anything. If he knows there's a penalty — like getting thrown to the curb — for a serious violation like cheating, he'll respect you more, and he will be far less likely to do it. You should also never even bother to date married men, those who already have girlfriends or anyone who verbally or physically threatens or abuses you. Period.

9. A good woman always chooses a good man. That means that you should look for someone who is honest and dependable. He has to treat you right. If he says he is going to be somewhere, he is there. Chivalry is not dead, by the way. "Good manners are a deeper window into what kind of man he truly is," Daily says. You should also have compatible views on money (which is the number one thing couples fight about). Even though they say opposites attract, savers should think twice before shacking up with wild spenders.

10. She knows that love is the biggest part of the mating equation. Just how does a good woman know that she has found that crazy-for-you, toe-curling relationship? Daily says that some women have an "a-ha" moment, while love simply sneaks up on the rest. "I believe the feeling includes a unique sense of comfort and acceptance and the feeling that someone else's happiness is as important to you as your own," Daily says. "A certain amount of toe curling is key as well."

Managing Your Time Effectively

By Michael Bucci

Children never really worry about time. In fact, the whole concept of time is somewhat alien to them. Kids only think about time when it's "bedtime" and they can't watch their favorite television show.

As time passes, we eventually all become adults and it is often with some difficulty that we come to realize that time is something that needs to be managed properly; it is truly a scarce resource.

the concept of time management

The reality of time management is quite simple: you only have 24 hours available to you on any given day. In order to be most productive, you must organize your time in such a way to get the most things done.

Sounds simple enough yet so many people are continuously searching for "more time," when they could have had that time… if only they took a few minutes every week to plan their schedule beforehand.

a prerequisite for success

Have you ever wondered what kind of work schedule a guy like Bill Gates keeps? How about Michael Jordan, Ted Turner or Larry Ellison? All very successful men in their respective fields.

In fact, these are some of the most accomplished men of all time, and a big part of their success comes from finding the time to get things done. Put differently, these men are masters at managing time. Sure, they have secretaries that help them do it, but this just goes to show that they take "time" seriously.

Perhaps you are still in school or starting out in the business world; either way, you should know up front that to reach the top you will have to learn how to make the most of every minute of every day, without driving yourself crazy in the process.

Be forewarned: time management is not something that you'll learn in business school or at your new job. You are now swimming with the sharks and you can either become one of them or be their lunch. The choice is yours.

Of course, no one wants to be someone else's lunch, so here are some quick tips that will help you better manage your time and maximize your work efforts.

The first thing to keep in mind when managing your time is that it is more common sense than rocket science. What follows is a very basic way to manage your time properly:

building an efficient schedule

• Learn to view time as interchangeable blocks. Anything you do will require a block of time. Sometimes it will be a small block of time (such as picking up your clothes at the dry cleaner) and sometimes it will be a large block of time (such as a 4 hour sales pitch to some potential clients). The point here is that every task you must accomplish consists of a block of time.
• Once you've understood the concept of "blocking" your time, you can start building a schedule. At their most basic, schedules are simply large blocks of time that are subdivided into smaller, more manageable blocks. Depending on how busy you are, you can start by using a monthly or weekly block. From there, you block off your time on a daily and hourly basis.

For example, at the beginning of the month you might have 7 days of scheduled meetings. Thus, you know from the onset that those 7 days have blocks of time already allotted, leaving less time in each day to accomplish your daily work. If you need to schedule additional meetings, try to schedule them on days where you have no previous engagements. That is, on days where you have more free blocks available. This helps minimize congestion and overlapping.

weekly & daily management

Once you have a bird's eye view of your month, you can calculate how many hours are left in each week and each day. The next step is to plan each day for maximum efficiency. To do this, you have to accurately estimate how long the tasks at hand should take, then block the proper amount of time in your schedule.

An example would be:
Block 1: 9:00am-11:00am (meeting)
Block 2: 11:15am-12:00pm (take messages & return calls)
Block 3: 12:00pm-1:00pm (lunch)
Block 4: 1:15pm-4:00pm (corporate training)
Block 5: etc.

The important thing to note is that each task has a defined block of time to allow for completion.

using time buffers

Another crucial aspect of time management is the use of buffers. Never schedule tasks too tightly together; this can cause overlap or tardiness. If you have one meeting scheduled to finish at 1pm, make sure to allot yourself a 15-minute block of time for a breather, before scheduling any other tasks.

In this manner, if the meeting goes into overtime, you won't be late for your next meeting or task. More importantly, you'll significantly reduce your stress level by not being in a constant rush.

Buffers are a way to build some slack into your schedule, but you must use them wisely. If you allocate too much buffer time you will likely lose out on quality work time. The trick is to learn how to use just enough buffer time to avoid conflicts between the end of one task and the start of another.

One last tidbit: don't be afraid to use a calendar, agenda or electronic organizer such as a Palm Pilot (which helps tremendously) to plan your time. A small investment in any of these items will pay off in spades if you use them properly.

Ultimately, it all comes down to how motivated you are to use your time as efficiently as possible. Where there's a will, there's a way!

Envision Your Success

By Michael Bucci

A few decades ago, Steve Jobs had what he called "an insanely great idea," which was the foundation of Apple Computers and became the foundation of the personal computer software business. Bill Gates took that vision and turned it into Windows, all while making himself into the richest man in the world.

ideas start in the imagination

Imagination is the workshop of the mind. It has been said that man can achieve anything he is able to envision. Men have imagined many things that most thought impossible. That is, until someone proved them wrong and made it happen.
At the end of the 19th century, science fiction novels spoke of rocket ships and man setting foot on the moon. The stuff of fiction and over-imaginative minds, thought most people. Lo and behold, man not only sent rocket ships to the moon, he walked on it. How was that possible? Because man imagined it -- and then made it reality.

focus your imagination

The imagination is a fun thing. We can imagine that we are floating in midair or jumping over tall buildings. In fact, our imagination gives us carte blanche to visualize almost anything we wish.

However, it is important to understand that in order to become successful, you must learn to focus your imagination on building the plans that will turn your thoughts into something tangible.

If you are to succeed in life, you will need to plan a path to achievement. If you want to become the next Larry Ellison, you'll need to have a solid plan to get started and achieve your objectives. Realize that the plan will not be in some book, but rather it will lie in your imagination, waiting for you to extract it and make it a reality.

be the architect

Proper use of your imagination will allow you to mold the world around you. You must learn to use your imagination to take the factors that surround you into account (money, people, information, etc.), to come up with novel ways of building the necessary plans.

Remember, ideas start with the imagination. If you're able to look around you and see the opportunities available, you are one step ahead of the game.

When Bill Gates stated his long-term vision for Microsoft of "a computer on every desktop," most in the computer industry laughed at him and his far-fetched statement.

What they didn't realize at the time is that Mr. Gates had imagined a future where his vision was reality. Furthermore, he looked around him and thought long and hard about how he could make his idea a reality. His thoughts led to what is often called "The Microsoft Way."

To be really successful you must learn to mix imagination with decision. Read on!

where there's a will

You might wait for something to happen, and wait forever you will. You can imagine yourself starting your own company, hiring employees, buying computers, etc. until the cows come home. But all that imagining won't give you anything unless you make a decision to make it happen.

This sounds obvious doesn't it? Perhaps it does, but most people never take the first step -- which is the hardest part. You might have a great idea; as a matter of fact, you might have come up with the best plan the world has ever seen. To live your dream, however, there is one thing you must do if you want others to actually see your idea -- start executing your plan!

Why is the first step so difficult to take? In most cases it's because you are looking at everything that you must do to make your plan work. Faced with such a workload, it's difficult to get started.

The trick is to look at your job as a series of smaller jobs. This way the workload will seem more achievable and you'll have a better sense of the tasks at hand rather than simply facing one large, near impossible task.

establish a definite timeline

Now that you've established your plan and have taken the first step to start executing that plan, there is another important factor that needs to be considered -- you must have a timeline.

If you imagine your company having $1 million in sales at some point, you will have to set a date by which you will aim to achieve your goal. The purpose of setting a timeline is to pace yourself and your organization. If you see that you're on track to breaking your projections, then make new, more ambitious ones that will propel you to even greater heights.

If you are not hitting your targets, then you should modify your plan -- imaginatively of course -- in order to get back on track and achieve your targets.

life is short

Tell yourself that what you're envisioning is something that you really want in life. Don't procrastinate; make your dreams come true today . Come up with a plan of action and execute it. If you wait for "one day...", it will be too late and your dreams will remain in your subconscious, while reality passes you by.