Dear Curt,
I have a very big problem controlling my anger and it has led to the destruction of my last relationship. I seem to have a very short fuse, and have a bad habit of exploding whenever I become irritated. But I'm not the violent type. I have never laid a finger on any individual, nor will I. The only crime that I am guilty of is raising my voice, playing dirty (silent treatment, leave dirty dishes in sink, forget to do important things) and shouting.
Recently, my ex-girlfriend left me because she was afraid of me. She thought I had the potential of becoming a violent spouse. Harming her in any way -- emotional or physical -- is an unconceivable notion. The only reason I shouted was simply to be heard, and because of my disappointment when she did not agree with me. How can I control my anger? I don't want to scare away the next woman in my life.
Regards,
Jeffrey "Red" McSorely
New York City, NY
you bad boy
Are there any nice individuals left in America? Absolutely, and they -- like you and I -- get angry. It is a natural human emotion that allows us to fend off a menace to our well-being. The problem is that we use this same primitive mechanism in our everyday interaction with our loved ones too.
Some men -- and women -- don't know how to separate their carnal aggressive instinct to protect themselves from a more civilized manner. In other words, they have anger management problems.
the root of all evil
The problem is not anger; the problem is the mismanagement of conflict, which in turn leads to anger. Mismanaged rage is the major cause of conflict in our personal relationships, and the root of this problem stems from the fact that some individuals don't know how to communicate their problems properly.
Instead of expressing their feelings openly and constructively, some men resort to tricks to get back at their partner. Obviously, this does not do anything to resolve the conflict; it just adds fuel to the fire. Here are a few bad examples of how some men deal with their anger:
The Evader avoids conflict in order to get around having to listen to his wife's nagging. He usually leaves the room when the conflict takes place and goes for long walks, drives or stays at work late.
The Hinter refuses to say what is bothering him directly. He prefers to drop hints of his disappointment. For example, instead of disclosing concerns over his wife's provocative style, he says things like, "Are you trying to impress your boss at work?"
Who knows, you could you be the traitor, the bomber, the clown, the shouter, or even the accuser...
The Traitor gets even with his partner by not defending her, and can sometimes even encourage ridicule against her. For example, once I went to a dinner where the husband accused his wife of being an awful cook. In her own defense, she stated that she would have more time to cook a better meal if he wouldn't be so lazy and helped with the chores around the house.
The Clown is the guy who is fearful of facing conflicts head-on. While his spouse attempts to initiate a serious topic, he kids around in order to avoid the subject altogether.
The Bomber doesn't respond immediately to a conflict. Instead he keeps his resentment bottled up inside of him until there's no more room. Then one day, he blows up and unleashes his anger on the unsuspecting partner.
The Shouter believes that his partner will not hear him unless he constantly interrupts and shouts over her voice.
The Accuser is more focused on finding fault instead of a solution to the conflict. Of course, the accuser will never blame himself. Instead he'll blame his partner, which in turn will put her on the defensive.
In order to make a relationship work, you need to work together as a team, not against each other. Since it is impossible to avoid conflict, the challenge is handling it effectively when it does arise.
what do you do next?
The first step toward appropriately managing anger in our personal relationships is the acknowledgement of the upsetting situations within the relationship that influence excessive anger.
Once these attitudes have been identified, you can negotiate a win-win solution. Remember, no relationship can last if there is a constant win-lose or lose-lose situation. If you want the relationship to last, then you're going to have to work together to resolve all arising conflicts.
how to fight
Here are six tips that will help you resolve any conflict that might be fueling your anger:
1- Be prepared:
Your problem might not necessarily be a problem in the eyes of your partner. Therefore, take the time to properly identify what's bothering you and put your thoughts together in a descriptive manner that will be easy for your partner to understand.
2- Set a timeline:
It is important for both individuals to be in the right state of mind before expressing their feelings. Once you have a clear idea of the problem, approach your partner with a request to try and resolve it. If she's not in the mood, then make a request, "I've been concerned with some problems. Can we talk about it some time?" and then set a time to talk about it.
Calm down and continue your proposal...
3- Describe your problem:
The goal is to describe your conflict as accurately as possible without putting your partner on the defensive. The best way to go about this is by first describing the behavior that bothers you; your interpretation of that behavior; your feelings ; and the consequences that the behavior has on you. For example:
Stacy, I'd like to discuss something. I've noticed that you've been coming home late recently. Is it because you have a lot of work, are you avoiding me, or is it something else? Please clarify the situation for me because I'm starting to feel neglected. If this continues, I think that we might encounter friction within our relationship.
4- Ask for her point of view:
Once you finish describing your problem, kindly ask your partner to repeat what you said, in order to make sure that you expressed yourself adequately. Once you both have a clear understanding of the conflict at hand, let your partner share her thoughts.
5- Find a solution:
Once you both understand each other's needs, you should then focus your attention on finding a solution to the conflict. The best method is to try and come up with at least three feasible solutions and then decide which one best suits the situation.
6- Implement the solution:
Sure it's nice to come up with a solution. But it will only work if you implement it and both work hard at it. Then set some time aside to talk about your progress and even make any necessary changes along the way.
stay atop of the problem
In many cases, most men become angry simply because they do not seek to resolve whatever issues are making them feel aggressive when they occur. Instead they let things pile up and eat away at their nerves, until they can't deal with them anymore and explode with anger. It is the procrastination of their actions to resolve conflicts that ultimately leads to frustration.
All this anger can be resolved by dealing with the attitudes and behaviors causing the conflict in its early stages. This is usually done through communication and cooperation. Stay on top of the problem, and keep looking for creative ways to resolve it so that both partners remain happy and fulfilled within the relationship.
Get it on!
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