Embracing the Fear of Failure

Breaking out of your comfort zone and facing your mistakes can lead to innovation and stronger relationships.

by Carlin Flora

"He who never makes mistakes, never makes anything," goes an English Proverb.

Unless we learn to embrace failure (whether it's led by an unavoidable mishap, a moral lapse, or a risk miscalculated), we remain snugly tucked inside our comfort zone. The pressure to be perfect leaves us tip-toeing around family members or coasting on automatic pilot at work, feeling safe but stagnated-and not quite alive.

From vaccines to Velcro, many inventions were spawned from accidents, seeming failures. But when Fiona Lee, psychology and business professor at the University of Michigan, explored which conditions help people experiment with novel ideas, she uncovered an interesting phenomenon: "Managers talk a lot about innovation and being on the cutting edge, but on an individual level, many people are not willing to try new things."

What's holding us back? A fear of failure.

"Corporate America has very little tolerance for failure," Lee reports. Compensation is typically based on tasks well-done, not spectacular (and costly) failures that could eventually produce breakthroughs.

Bosses preach innovation, and yet they hover over workers, poised to slap wrists. Lee's study concluded that rewarding employees who repeatedly try new things and fail leads to more innovation and more long-term success. But the more prevalent mixed-message style of management has employees so scared and rigid that they innovate less than they would have if their bosses had never uttered the word at all.

Even if environmental conditions allow for high failure tolerance, some people will take setbacks to heart instead of to mind. Such people let a disappointment seep into their sense of self like a poison.

University of Washington psychologist Jonathon Brown found that those lacking self-esteem overgeneralize their failures to conclude that they are just plain less intelligent and less competent than others. Paradoxically, the best way to build self-esteem is to take action after falling down, to build a reserve of personal efficacy.

Blunders are a necessary component of relationships, too. What's important is how they are handled. Top marriage researcher John Gottman has famously figured out how to predict divorce by observing couples' interactions. He found that it's not how many arguments that foretells an impending split, but rather whether a couple can effectively repair ties in the aftermath of a disagreement.

Everyone messes up. It's the ability to say "I'm sorry" and to fix the relationships that count.

Buying into the myth of the perfect marriage can encourage couples to avoid conflict. But that renders them devastated when problems inevitably arise. "Look at the craziness of what we spend on weddings to try to make something spotless and flawless to start off the relationship," says Atlanta psychiatrist Frank Pittman.

"And yet, you can be sure there will be a good fight and bad sex within 24 hours." Pittman says that rather than working to achieve romantic perfection, people must learn to survive reality together. "A married couple that has never had a fight has missed having to examine themselves, to recognize their own foolishness, to expose their shortcomings and realize that they can be loved anyway."

Even dramatic missteps such as infidelity can forge a stronger union. While Pittman doesn't recommend someone go out and have an affair just to shake things up, he insists that once an adulterer has confessed and the affair is over, a great opportunity lies for each partner to discover the real person behind the facade.

Children, too, need to be given some rope to ensure they fail. The teenager whose mother doesn't let him oversleep and face the consequences of arriving late to school misses a lesson in responsible behavior.

And his mom denies herself the joys of messiness: "I occasionally see people whose children have never gotten into trouble-and they missed the experience of child-raising," says Pittman.

Perhaps in every realm of life, we should not merely accept failure, but actively go out of our way to fail. Then if we do, we can chalk it up as a success.

FEAR

The following excerpt is from the self helppsychology book, Be Your Own Therapist.

Fear plays an essential role in nearly all our psychological problems. Whenever trauma knots get triggered by our thoughts or by life events, fear arises. For it was fear of fully experiencing the original traumas that caused them originally to be tied in knots. Stress is fear.

Fear shows itself in a multiplicity of ways. Those who were not loved will often sabotage their close relationships because of fear of being loved. Those who couldn't ask their parents for love will fear doing so with their current partners.

Those who were trained to be tough will be afraid of signs of weakness (weakness according to their definition). Those who learned to be afraid of anger will often have fearful rationales for their avoidance of anger. Phobias, anxieties and depression are symptoms that often have significant roots in fear. Whatever trauma knots you have not resolved will cause you fear (i.e., stress).

The average two-year-old is a great beacon for emotional health, displaying a full range of emotions and moving beyond them once they are expressed.

Often we deny the fear, switching instantaneously to anger, addiction, depression, or other favorite dodges. It is often an important first step just to recognize the fear as fear. The process of change can then start, for one can examine the situation more rationally to see if fear is warranted. Perhaps something different next time can be experienced instead of getting locked in the fear. Much fear is fear acquired as a child, which frequently may be discarded once it is in full conscious awareness. If it cannot be discarded, then examining the relevant trauma knots may be required.

There are many available self-help books with the word fear in their titles. They can be most valuable, for almost all therapy problems have some roots in fear. Some of these books suggest turning fear into love. Some suggest facing the fear. Another prescription is to act counterphobically (doing what one fears). When you are in your favorite bookstore, I suggest perusing the self-help aisle. If one of the available books appeals to you, it will probably be right for you.

Emotionally Healthy Adults (with respect to fear)1. are not fearful or anxious for other than brief periods of time.2. will experience fear (or anger) if physically threatened. (This is the natural fight/ flight response.)3. are able to confront and change their fear-causing beliefs to happier beliefs. Thus, they do not get stuck in stress.4. are often capable of appropriate action, despite high levels of fear.

Few of us achieve the above, yet wouldn't you be happier if you could? Perhaps one of the above possibilities could be a long term goal for you.

There are several so-called emotions that are inherently stuck. Feel them and you stay in them. They remain around forever, unless the real truths beneath them are felt. Some inherently stuck feelings are: guilt, jealousy, depression, humiliation, shame and degradation. Feeling them for any longer than it is necessary to recognize them is not productive. Be on the lookout behind these stuck feelings for other unwanted feelings (such as childhood hurt, love, fear, rage or grief) which, if felt, could help change the immobility.

The ultimate in personal responsibility: "If I am unhappy in any way, I need to change myself."

It is often but not always true that: (1)guilt indicates repressed anger at early parenting figures, (2)jealousy indicates a fear of loss of early parenting figures, (3)depression indicates repression of difficult feelings, and (4)humiliation, shame and degradation indicate difficulties with self-esteem (or with judging others if others are judged as humiliated, shamed or degraded). It is suggested that you use this paragraph as a likely starting point for exploration of your own stuck emotions.

We see skewed (i.e. twisted, neurotic, off-target, etc.) emotional expression everywhere and rarely label it as such. (By so labeling it, this may prove to be a most unpopular paragraph.) Hurt feelings that keep on happening over and over can be labeled skewed, neurotic or off-base. Guilt, shame or jealousy that keeps persisting is evidence that e-motions are blocked and unwilling to be faced. For adults, nearly all adult anger in the present at politicians, spouses, children, neighbors and favorite targets is skewed. Tears that don't stop imply skewness.

Why so much skewed emotional expression? The reason is that 97% of us learned in our growing-up years to stuff one or more of our emotions (causing trauma knots as described in Chapter 3). Stuffed emotions are remembered by our bodies and our unconscious minds, and they act like internal irritants. They keep grating on us, keep causing us anxiety and keep leading us into addictive situations in which we can discharge the irritating energy in a skewed fashion. A skewed discharge reduces our anxiety, although temporarily. A discharge of most of the important emotions of the original trauma knot, on the other hand, usually eliminates the knot.

Emotionally healthy adults, with respect to anger, are comfortable with anger and hatred, their own and others.

How can you tell what the truth is behind the skewness? There are some tendencies that are useful to know. If your anger or sadness is skewed, the most likely place to look for the truth is your own kid anger or kid sadness associated with your unexplored childhood traumas. If you perceive your guilt to be skewed, then childhood anger is the most likely culprit. Skewed expression of love most commonly starts in one's youth with skewed or absent parental expressions of love. These are all just likelihoods. We can and do use skewed love in the present to compensate for stuffed anger in our past. We use guilt and shame to compensate for stuffed love in our past. We can use almost any emotion as skewed compensation for another. Our feelings of relief in such circumstances, however, will be temporary.

The often lengthy process of discovering and experiencing your own emotional truths will provide permanent relief. (That does not imply you need be unhappy for much of that time or that the process necessarily will take up huge blocks of your time.) It does mean that there will be moments of difficulty, moments of stress, and moments of pain. If one learns to e-mote in a non-skewed way, however, then these will be moments of difficulty, instead of continuous difficulty. If one keeps on stuffing the emotion(s), then the resultant stress will be ever present. To that I say, "No thanks!".

For maximum happiness, contentment and inner peace, we need all our emotions, not just the pleasant ones.

The Fear of Success

Lasting Change-Succeeding Beyond Your Fears of Success. Discusses strategies for accomplishing goals through visualization, why success brings fear and how to overcome the issues that accompany accomplishment.

by Hara Estroff Marano

Achieving lasting change, and getting what you reallywant in life, takes a sustained vision of the future. That vision serves not just as an ongoing source of motivation to get there, it helps you identify and tackle the obstacles that have held you back until now.

These include fear of failure, such as doubts about your own worthiness for success, which we tackled in an earlier article in this series. And if you're like most people, they also involve fear of achieving the very things you want.

"The fear of success is a very unique issue that arises when you are genuinely creating change and moving forward in your life," says Ti Caine, a hypnotherapist and life coach based in Sherman Oaks, California. "The fear of success is very real because the future is real-we're all heading there-and what we imagine for our future has an enormous influence on us."

Yet, we are clueless how to deal with fears of success, Caine insists, because they're in the future and we don't know how to work on the future. "Our culture is focused on fixing the past. It's as if we are driving through life staring in the rear-view mirror." Caine has developed a technique he calls FutureVisioning to provide people with an alternative, that is, a system for creating a detailed picture of the future they want to achieve.

To create and sustain success it is essential to find and release your fears of success. The more you leave the task undone, the more your fears will control you. "it's the monster in the closet," says Caine. "And it gets bigger."

Fears of success tend to cluster around several issues. One of the core fears that arise from change is that success will lead to loneliness. Women especially fear success because they are afraid that being powerful enough to create the life they want will render them unlovable. Sometimes people fear success will mean being attacked by enemies, or besieged by others wanting money or other things from them.

Many women fear success at losing weight because becoming more attractive to others could jeopardize the love and the life they have or create situations they do not know how to handle.

Some fears of success are easy to release because they will probably never happen, such as fears of losing it all and becoming a bag lady. But some are real. When you change, the relationships around you will be forced to change. Some friends will always cheer you on. But others are steeped in jealousy and will denigrate you for moving forward.

"All fears of success would go away if you totally took your power back," says Caine. "In fact, our very deepest fear is that when we really reclaim our power and succeed, we have to face the knowledge that we have always been powerful to change all along and that we could have changed a year or five or 10 years ago." Change comes from choice and we have always had that power.

Then you come face to face with the realization that we caused unnecessary suffering to ourselves and others along the way by our failure to change. And that suffering is not a necessary part of life.

The common denominator to every problem in your life is: you were there when it happened. The pain of the realization that you have been powerful all along can be healed only by forgiving yourself. "If you don't know how to forgive yourself, that forgiveness doesn't come from the outside but from the inside, then you can't create empowered success," insists Caine.

Forgiving yourself as a conscious act leads to a sense of completion. Then you can move on and not act out your failure over and over again.

You need to understand why you held onto being powerless for so long. There are payoffs for holding onto less-than-successful realities and failing to change, real secondary gains to be had, Caine points out. Some fundamental questions can help you understand why; the biggies is, What do I hope to get out of pretending to be powerless?

• What do I get to avoid?
• Who do I get to punish or love?
• What emotion am I not willing to release? For many it is anger.
• What guarantee am I holding out for?
• Am I manipulating with self-pity?
• Am I feeling better than or less than?
• What am I afraid of losing if I succeed?

Once you identify your fears and undersant why you he ld onto them, then you can forogive yourself. You can release your fears either by visualizing your fear coming true in the future, then creatively destroying it in your imagination. Or you can write out your fears and destroy the paper.

Then play out the movie of your successful future in your imagination-and you are on your way to a successful life.

8 Steps to Making the Right Life Decisions at the Right Times

Excerpted from Crunch Time by Ken Lindner

The career coach to America's biggest media names reveals powerful, motivating, and highly-effective Strategies for achieving your goals by making the very most out of every decision-making opportunity.

For more than a decade, Ken Lindner has built a reputation as one of broadcast journalism's most successful talent agents and career counselors. He's learned that even everyday decisions have the power to become crucial turning points in life, and in Crunch Time he reveals the eight foolproof Steps to making constructive and self-enhancing decisions and the specific Strategies to make it happen. What separates those individuals who achieve their goals and realize their dreams from those who don't, Ken explains, is the process by which the achievers reach their decisions.

With fascinating case studies, Lindner illustrates how to tap into our most heartfelt values and important goals, so that we will inevitably be led to make positive, constructive, and self- enhancing decisions. Infused with Ken's trademark enthusiasm and ability to inspire, this is the ultimate beacon for every defining moment, in business and in life.

I have devoted my professional and personal lives to enabling people to fulfill their potential, by giving them the tools to make wise, constructive, and self-enhancing decisions. It gives me incredible satisfaction to see the individuals with whom I've worked and/or coached enhance themselves and others by thinking and acting in constructive ways, so that they not only achieve their most cherished goals, but also develop valid, positive self-esteem in the process. And, as you will glean from what follows, the process or manner in which you reach your decisions is vitally important to your psychological and emotional well-being.

There is no question that one of my good fortunes is that I have been able to identify talented individuals, early in their careers, and secure their representation. However, I have observed over and over again that talent alone is merely unrealized potential. Attaining sustained success in any endeavor takes more than just talent, ability, or heartfelt dreams - it requires rock-solid decision-making skills, based upon constructive and self-enhancing decision-making strategies.

I was blessed, as a late-blooming child, to have loving parents - especially a mother - who believed in me, effectively counseled me, and never made me feel "less than." As a result of this support, my extensive athletic endeavors, and the creation and implementation of my Crunch Time Decision-Making Strategies, I have grown to be much happier and have achieved many of my goals and dreams. Due in large part to this good feeling and success, my life mission is to believe in and counsel others, so that they can achieve their most precious goals and develop legitimate high self-esteem.

In the film Dead Poets Society, prep-school teacher John Keating, portrayed by Robin Williams, shares the following thought about life with his students:

The powerful play goes on and you may contribute a verse. What will that verse be? What you are about to read in Crunch Time is the heart and soul of my life's work and verse. I believe that if you take the time to reflect upon and absorb the material herein, it can and will make a very positive difference in how you write the future verses of your life's play.

Decisions and Decision-Making: An Overview

The keys to attaining your goals, fulfilling your dreams, and achieving inner happiness are:

Making Constructive and Enhancing Decisions and Thereafter Acting Consistently with These Decisionsfor as Long as They Remain Constructive and Enhancing

Every day, we're faced with all sorts of issues, choices, and decisions that affect our lives to varying degrees. Some decisions will change our lives forever. In some cases, just a few critical decisions can make a world of difference in a person's life. Other decisions are less profound, but still have an important impact on whether we eventually achieve our large and small goals. The act of making constructive decisions and doing positive things for ourselves makes us feel good about ourselves. This good feeling, in turn, propels and catalyzes us to do more and more enhancing things for ourselves. Conversely, destructive and self-sabotaging decision-making and behavior diminish the quality of our lives and - in our Heart-of-Hearts - make us feel bad about ourselves. Therefore, it behooves you to strive to rid yourself of unhealthy decision-making strategies and to develop, modify, and keep the enhancing ones, in order to become the wisest decision-maker you can be and thereby fulfill your positive potential.

You are the result of your decisions! The state of your life and your inner happiness, in large part, are reflections of your decisions. Your decisions are your very precious opportunities - each and every one of them - to either raise the quality of your life and the lives of those around you, or to lower the quality. They are your wonderful chances - your everyday gifts - all there for the taking, to seize your "gold-ring" (forget the brass stuff!) dreams.

There is no question in my mind that what separates those individuals who achieve their goals and realize their most cherished dreams from those who don't is the process by which the achievers reach their decisions.

During my twenty years as a career counselor and choreographer, I've worked with scores of individuals who have learned to think through and deal with things constructively. Not surprisingly, a great majority of them have achieved the highest pinnacles of success. Interestingly, a number of these successful people have achieved even more than their natural talent might indicate that they could. (I am one of them.) Their constructive mind-sets and strategies enabled and empowered them to become super- or overachievers. For instance, I would argue that tennis great Chris Evert didn't possess some of the physical strength or natural athletic gifts that some of her competitors enjoyed. She didn't have anything resembling a powerful serve and she rarely came to the net to volley, yet she dominated women's tennis for years. Why? Because she was so mentally and emotionally strong and constructive. On the other hand, I know far too many people who have undermined themselves through their destructive decision-making and thought processes. As a result, time after time, they experience crushing defeats, because without constructive and effective decision-making skills and strategies, even the most brilliant talent can be wasted. Not only do these often supremely gifted individuals never come close to fulfilling their potential, and therefore fail to taste the sweet, high-self-esteem fruits of well-made decisions, but in many instances, they also destroy significant portions of their own lives and the lives of those around them.

Let's take a moment to compare the following words:

Enhancing vs. Sabotaging

Fulfilled vs. Empty

Constructive vs. Destructive

Positive vs. Negative

Healthy vs. Toxic

Proactive vs. Victim

Successful vs. Failure

How do you want to describe yourself, your decisions, and your decision-making processes?

I'm sure that if you're reading this book, you'd probably choose the left-hand column. Yet as sure as death follows life, we all engage in some amount of diminishing, destructive, and toxic decision-making.

No one in this world is perfect. The key is to become the very best decision-maker you can. My mom once shared the following thought with me: "I'd rather strive for perfection and fall short, then strive for mediocrity and attain it." Smart person, my mom!

Let's strive to be the best we can be. Constructive decision-making can be simple. You just have to want to learn, want to grow, and want to lift the quality of your life.


Ever since I became a career counselor, I've been stunned by how often bright and talented individuals make self-destructive and self-sabotaging decisions. It's absolutely amazing, and a profoundly sad reality.

I see examples of poisonous decision-making throughout my day. Witness the fact that so many people: stay in relationships that are diminishing and emotionally and/or psychologically toxic; smoke cigarettes, even though there is clear evidence that smoking is deadly to themselves and to others in the vicinity; take recreational drugs, such as heroin, crack, cocaine, etc., when they know that they are risking their health; overeat to an unhealthy extent or to the point of obesity; consume alcohol in dangerous amounts and/or drink and drive; have unprotected sex in this era of AIDS; and, most of all, engage in activities that they, in their Heart-of-Hearts, know are destructive and dangerous to the emotional, psychological, and physical well-being of themselves and valued others.

Destructive decision-making and self-sabotage are all around us. For example, is there a more blatant illustration of self-destructive behavior than the Kobe Bryant case? Kobe seemed to have everything going for him. He is a top professional basketball player; he earns millions of dollars a year in salary and more than ten times that in product endorsements; he has a beautiful young wife and a new child; and he was one of the most respected and beloved athletes of our time. For some reason, however, he made a decision that put all this at risk, for what appears to be an hour or so of physical pleasure. To the general observer, Kobe was "crazy" to have sex with the woman, regardless of consent. But I must tell you, Kobe Bryant is no different from any of us. At times, we all make flawed and self-destructive decisions - especially when our emotions come into play. The difference between Kobe and almost everyone else is that Kobe's destructive decision-making is front and center in the public spotlight, and his humiliation, potential losses, and fall from grace have been, and will be, far more dramatic than most.

What is especially interesting about Kobe is that in some areas of his life, such as his basketball endeavors, he has learned through focused practice and well-thought-out preparation to make excellent reflexive decisions. He knows when and how to dribble the ball past defenders and drive to the basket for a dunk or a layup, when to stop and shoot a jump shot, etc. Through focused practice and preparation, he has attained almost thorough mastery and control of his mental, emotional, and physical skills on the basketball court. However, when certain personal emotions, emotional weaknesses, needs, and/or temptations were involved or triggered - which he had not taken the requisite time to prepare to deal with constructively - Kobe, like all of us at one time or another, seemingly reacted thoughtlessly and reflexively by making a devastatingly destructive and self-sabotaging decision. Part of the problem is that when we're faced with important decisions, we often have little or no time to think things through objectively, in order to reach the most constructive short- and long-term decisions.

It has been my experience that the primary key to self-enhancing decision-making is to be mentally, emotionally, and psychologically prepared when decisions are required. This is especially true when the situation is triggered by particular emotions, needs, or cravings. Very often, we make bad decisions because we do not prepare ourselves, in advance, to deal with the possible, or probable, opportunities, issues, temptations, etc., that are likely to come our way.

Crunch Time provides you with the thought processes, the skills, and the Crunch Time Steps and Strategies that will prepare and empower you to make great personal and professional decisions. Equipped with this material, you can change and lift the quality of your life in the most wonderful and self-enhancing way, by making decisions that will enable you to fulfill your positive potential, achieve your dreams, and allow you to feel good - and often great - about yourself. These positive feelings, in turn, will motivate and fuel you to make more and more self-enhancing decisions. Why? Because you'll feel that you're worth it. And you most certainly are.

Just start making some self-enhancing decisions, and see how good you feel about yourself and your ability and power to constructively change and improve the quality of your life.

Before We Begin

At the beginning of our journey together, it's important to recognize and remember that should some of the ensuing material seem familiar or repetitious, don't fret. Many of us have at some time in our lives been to places where for some reason, we've not seen all there was to see or learned all there was to learn. Then again, sometimes seeing familiar things, situations, or individuals from another vantage point, in another context, or at a later time, can often be quite different and illuminating. Actually, it might not be until perhaps the second or third time around that we are truly ready and able to more fully appreciate someone or something for their previously overlooked real qualities and virtues. Therefore, throughout our trip together, we will utilize some familiar material as a reminder - in essence a refresher course - to help you get on, or back on, the right decision-making track.

Throughout my career, I have been exposed to many formulas for personal change and growth that rely upon the Band-Aid approach of simply changing our attitudes and our facades. In today's world of quick fixes and superficial solutions, these theories can appear very attractive. And they may work - when things are going well. But when crises hit, deep conflicts occur, and tough choices need to be made, these matchstick foundations often fall apart, our positive facades fade or crumble, and we tend to revert back to our old, reflexive, ineffective decision-making processes and strategies for dealing with problems. All of our resolve and resolutions go - as Paul Simon sang - "slip sliding away." The reason is: Formulas that change only facades basically focus upon changing the symptoms of our problems; they don't deal with and eradicate or alleviate their causes. We can't cure cancer with a spray of Bactine and a nice bandage. Deeper explorations and more intricate procedures and remedies are required.

Additionally, there are many self-help theories that deal exclusively and/or primarily with cerebral/cognitive solutions to behavioral problems. Therefore, they don't sufficiently deal with the all-important emotional aspects of the decision-making equation. As a result, these theories often fall short, because, as we all know, our emotions often override our better judgment. Crunch Time focuses on both the cerebral and the emotional components of decision-making and behavior. The material presented herein acknowledges the awesome influence that our emotions can have on our decision-making. However, through various anticipatory, preparatory, and destructive-emotion nullifying steps, the powerful force of negative emotions that often lead us to reach self-destructive decisions can be counteracted or vitiated.

If we are to lead healthier, more constructively productive lives, and make them great; if we are to come close to fulfilling our true potential; and if we are to achieve our most cherished and precious goals, we must go to the heart of our problems, and understand them and deal with them. We must reevaluate and rebuild our decision-making foundations and processes, and solidly reinforce them with the "internal goods" that will actually allow us to attain our goals and fulfill our dreams, and continue to enjoy them over time.

The means by which we can take constructive ownership of our lives lies in how we reach our decisions.

Daniel Goleman, in his popular book Emotional Intelligence, writes that individuals with a high intelligence quotient (IQ), aren't always the most successful navigators of real-life situations, because some of them seemingly lack the emotional intelligence of other more emotionally developed and streetwise individuals. Crunch Time takes Mr. Goleman's book a step or two further, explaining and illustrating how you can become more emotionally intelligent (and, as a result, more self-fulfilled), by learning to make wiser, more constructive, and more self-enhancing decisions. In essence, the material in this book will equip you with the decision-making skills and Strategies that will help you to fulfill your great potential. The explanation is simple: If you can make constructive and self-enhancing decisions time after time, you put yourself in the best position to achieve your goals and fulfill your dreams.

Crunch Time is divided into three sections. The first identifies and discusses decision-making terms and concepts. These are the essential mental, psychological, and emotional building blocks that form the foundation for making constructive and self-enhancing decisions.

Section two is an in-depth study of "The Eight Crunch Time Steps" for making constructive decisions. This section also presents the "Crunch Time Decision-Making Strategies" (hereafter referred to as either "Crunch Time Strategies" or "Strategies"), as well as Strategy bullet-points called "Strata-Gems." These Strategies and Strata-Gems have, with great consistency and efficacy, led me and my clients to make enhancing and success-evoking decisions.

Throughout Crunch Time, there are stories involving my clients to help you more fully visualize and absorb the points presented in each chapter.

Ready to begin feeling great about yourself and your decisions?


The Concept of Crunch Time

One of the great benefits that I derived from being an athlete and studying different sports is that I learned to identify Crunch Time, and thereafter developed the ability to, in many instances, respond constructively when a Crunch Time challenge is presented to me. The other day, the news manager of a television station called me about my client, Terry. He said that he would be giving Terry a plum assignment that afternoon that would showcase Terry's broadcasting strengths. This manager told me that Terry was one of three people who were being considered for a coveted national position, and that if my client was on his game and really showed his stuff, he would likely get the position. The manager finished our conversation by saying, "Kenny, I can't be any clearer than this: If Terry gets it right, his career is changed for the better from here on out. It's up to him. Starting this afternoon, it's Crunch Time!"

The last few minutes of a close game are sometimes referred to as Crunch Time - a critical point during a sports contest in which the outcome of the game can go either way. Crunch Times are those pivotal points and defining moments when individuals are faced with significant choices. They are our opportunities to either make wise decisions and enhance ourselves and others, or to make poor and diminishing decisions, which often result in our being destructive to ourselves and to others.

As someone who counsels individuals every day regarding their making the most positive and healthy career and life decisions possible, I have found the concept of Crunch Time to be a particularly useful, effective, and visual one.

I believe that not enough attention is paid to the fact that each of us faces Crunch Times - or moments of decision - many times each day throughout our lives. For example, we often must decide whether or not we will eat or drink something that will cause us to gain weight or affect us negatively in some other way; whether or not we will light up a cigarette or cigar; whether or not we will remain in a personal or professional relationship that we know isn't healthy for us, etc.

Crunch Times are those instances when individuals who are committed to excellence (star performers) often step up to positively and effectively meet the challenges before them. They combine presence of mind with knowledge, understanding, and educated and prepared instinct to correctly analyze the situation of the moment. These individuals then adapt their performances to make the maximum use of their analyses (by making the right and/or best choices), thereby raising the level of their games to attain a successful outcome. They turn great potential into positive reality.

This ability isn't acquired overnight. It requires focused thought, analysis, preparation, and practice, along with great desire, enthusiasm, and tenacious persistence to achieve the sought-after goals. A proactive approach and appropriate discipline are also critical components of optimal performance at Crunch Time. One Crunch Time quality that makes all of the others viable and effective is an accurate understanding of the situation at hand and of the elements and individuals involved. True understanding of the pivotal elements that comprise a constructive decision is the foundation upon which all Crunch Time qualities are based.

"Behaviorism" - A Quick Look Back

It was during my first college psychology class that I was introduced to the works of Ivan Pavlov, B. F. Skinner, and other behavioral theorists. Do you remember the dog in Pavlov's stimulus/response experiment? During the initial stage of that experiment, a bell would sound and a dog would immediately be fed some meat. With the repetition of this ringing and feeding scenario, as soon as the dog heard the bell, it would salivate, expecting that it would be fed. With further repetition, the dog began to reflexively salivate upon hearing the bell - even without the meat being present, which had been the initial stimulus for the salivation. In essence, when presented with a familiar situation - hearing the bell - Pavlov's pooch reflexively and non-discerningly reacted with a behavioral pattern of response - and strategy - that it perceived had worked in the past. Other scientists took Pavlov's findings further, by theorizing that individuals seek out pleasurable experiences and avoid painful ones. Based upon those premises, they asserted that individuals' actions can be conditioned and reinforced, based upon the introduction of positive and negative stimuli.

While maximizing the importance of positive and negative reinforcement and their impact upon molding behavior, these theorists often minimized some of the most valuable qualities of a human being: The abilities to consciously think, analyze, reason, reflect, prepare, and choose to make value-based decisions.

Popular authors such as M. Scott Peck and Stephen Covey have pointed out that there can and should be a step between the introduction of a stimulus or event and a person's response to it. Dr. Peck writes that this period separating stimulus from response is a time to "bracket," or hold in abeyance, our old responses and/or behavioral patterns, and to decide whether the situation at hand calls for a new behavioral pattern, a modification of the old one, or the usual response.

It is the intervening step - or period of time - between when a stimulus or situation is presented to us and when we choose to act (constructively or destructively) that we will refer to as Crunch Time.

Crunch Times are those precious moments when we can act (as opposed to reflexively react), and consciously decide to raise the quality of our personal and professional lives, or we can compulsively react, often non-discerningly reenacting our old, inappropriate behavioral strategies, and thus diminish the quality of our lives in one way or another. It's your goal on our journey together and throughout the rest of your life to become the best Crunch Time performer and decision-maker you can be.

The "Crunch Time Continuum"

In your quest to understand and master decision-making, it is important that you picture in your mind's eye the three times when you most often make your decisions. These times are reflected in The Crunch Time Continuum.

Throughout the rest of this book, we will examine decisions and the times at which we make them. Let's define them:

· Crunch Time Decisions: These occur when a situation is presented to you, and within a short period thereafter, you must decide what to do. Some examples are:

A. The Situation: You are offered a piece of birthday cake at a party.

The Issue: Do you eat it?

B. The Situation: Someone says something to you that you interpret as being critical of you.

The Issue: How do you respond to the criticism?

C. The Situation: You find that your fourteen-year-old son/daughter has been hiding something from you that greatly disturbs you (he/she has been smoking, skipping class, etc.).

The Issue: What do you do about it?

· Pre-Crunch Time Decisions: These decisions are made minutes, hours, days, or months before you are presented with the actual stimulus or situation that will trigger your decision. These decisions are reached in anticipation of choices that will or may have to be made at a later time. Some examples of Pre-Crunch Time Decisions are:

A. When you're offered a piece of birthday cake tonight at the party, no matter how tempted you are, you decide that you won't eat it.

B. When Sheila/Sam brings up the same complaint that you're not attentive enough to her/him anymore, you're going to tell her/him how you truly feel about her/his demands on your time.

C. From now on, when your mom/dad/boss/client drives you crazy or pushes one of your buttons, you're not going to react in anger. Instead, you decide that you're going to calmly and coolly step away from the situation, think about it, and choose an appropriate response. It's your New Year's resolution.

· Post-Crunch Time Decisions: These decisions are made moments, hours, days, or months after you have made your original decision. They are decisions that reflect whether you want to (a) continue the behavior that resulted from your prior decision, (b) do the opposite of it, or (c) modify it. Some examples are:

A. Prior to Thanksgiving, you decided that you would stick to your new diet throughout the holiday season; and indeed, you did it. As a result, you look and feel great! You assess the situation and decide that you're going to continue to practice discipline and intelligent judgment from now on when it comes to eating.

In this instance, you choose to stay the course.

B. You decided to give it all up and move to Los Angeles to become an actress/actor. After months of trying to find a reputable agent to represent you, you settled for anyone who will send you out on auditions. During the next six months, you went on three cattle-call auditions and didn't get call-backs for any of them. You feel empty, disoriented, and demoralized by show business and a city that seems to lack roots, a soul, and humanity. You assess your prior decision, and conclude that this lifestyle is unhealthy. You decide: "I've done it. I've had it. I'm going back to my friends, my family, and my advertising job in Chicago."

In this case, you choose to change the course of your original decision and your behavior.

C. For the past fifteen years, you've worked six days a week and about sixteen hours a day. You assess this decision and conclude that there must be more to life than just working. You're now a partner in your firm and you're more than comfortable financially, but you're not happy - enough. You decide to adjust your behavior by: working five days a week - and sometimes four; taking all of your vacation time; leaving work at reasonable hours; and making your leisure time and your enjoyment of life higher priorities.

In this instance, you decide to modify your old decision. As we continue our journey, it's important to keep The Crunch Time Continuum and the timing of your decisions in mind.

The Concept of Mastery

An essential element of your emotional health and the fulfillment of your goals and dreams is your development of the mind-set and skill of mastery. That is, the attempted performance of an act, followed by its successful completion. The mastering of an act may require you to perform some or all of the following functions:

1) Identifying a goal that you want to attain;

2) Thinking about the goal and a preferred means of attaining it;

3) Devising a plan of action;

4) Visualizing the overall sequence of events involved in goal attainment;

5) Preparing to effectuate the plan;

6) Effectuating the plan of action;

7) Satisfactorily completing the plan and attaining the goal;

8) Acknowledging and cognitively celebrating the successful completion of the plan of action and goal attainment.

Exploring Mastery

There are few goals that appear unattainable to someone who has had positive mastery experiences. For example, golf phenomenon Tiger Woods made history by winning his third U.S. Junior Amateur golf title. As he reflected upon his victorious final round, which began with him trailing his opponent by five strokes, he was quoted as saying: "I knew what I had to do. I'd done it [come back and won after trailing by many strokes] before."

Conversely, through my experiences, I have found that you never truly know that you can do something until you've actually done it. For instance, I had a friend, years ago, whose parents were extremely wealthy. They gave him everything, and everything was done for him. Nothing was done by him. We were both eighteen at the time, when I noticed that he had no core confidence, as he never truly knew what he could accomplish. He could guess. He could hope. But in his Heart-of-Hearts, he didn't know. He began to stutter. He didn't get along with other kids. He had an inner anger.

My friend was monetarily wealthy - yet he was one of the most deprived and impoverished individuals I had ever met. His parents crippled him by not allowing him to take steps on his own, to occasionally stumble and fall, and to eventually accomplish the goals of walking and running by himself. To this day, he is foundering. He has no core confidence in his ability to meet a challenge. This is because he has never developed the skill of mastering his decisions or his actions.

A similar story was recently told to me. A forty-five-year-old woman had been born into a very wealthy family. She never held a job in her life. Her daughter confided that for years her mother had longed to have some kind of job, just so that she could know and feel that she could actually accomplish something. Then, about three years ago, a restaurateur was visiting the mother's house, and like many others before him, he noted how beautifully she had decorated it. At the end of the afternoon, he inquired as to whether her mother would be interested (for a fee, of course) in decorating his restaurant for its grand opening. She replied that she would be thrilled to do it. They agreed that work would begin three days later.

During the intervening days, the woman, at different times, appeared scared, distraught, and distant. She showed no signs of excitement or anticipation about beginning her first real job.

Ultimately, the woman never showed up to work on the restaurant and never returned any of the restaurateur's calls. According to her daughter, her mother was so deathly afraid to fail that she never attempted to do the job. And to this day, the woman has never worked. She just goes flitting and partying through life.

You may have heard the proverb: "Give me a fish, and I can eat for a day. Teach me to fish, and I can eat for a lifetime." My spin on this proverb is: "If you do tasks for me, or if I passively let fate decide what will happen to me, I will just rely on others and/or other forces to determine my life. But if I learn to proactively master and take control of my decisions and my acts, and I consistently do these things, I become self-reliant. I put myself in the best position to positively determine my own fate. I thus take ownership of my life."

Time and time again, I have seen individuals accomplish their goals and rise above their backgrounds and the pack, because in their Heart-of-Hearts they believe, "If I have any talent in an area, I have the cerebral and emotional mastery strategies to accomplish my goals. Since I've done it before, I know I can do it again."

When individuals know and feel that they have the capability to identify a desired goal, to visualize, implement, and complete a plan of action, and to ultimately attain that goal, the feeling of empowerment is huge. The positive self-esteem that is generated is clearly earned and thus valid. This inner knowledge and feeling are basic and enduring major elements of a rock-solid foundation of great decision-making and high self-esteem.


Years ago, a story was told to me about a reporter who was assigned by his TV station to cover a serious accident. The story allegedly unfolded this way:

Upon arriving at the scene of the accident, the reporter quickly and without great care scanned the area. He then went on to do some other things - such as watch a baseball playoff game on TV - until it was time to deliver his report. As the reporter began his presentation, he did his trademark "walk and talk" routine, walking around the accident scene and directing the camera to various points of interest while he flawlessly delivered the facts that he had memorized earlier.

When the reporter finished, the studio anchor advised both the reporter and the viewers that an unexpected development had just occurred. The anchor shared the development with the reporter and the viewers, and then asked the reporter to "analyze how the information might affect the situation." Upon hearing the question, the reporter immediately panicked. His brain apparently locked, and he couldn't speak for what seemed like an excruciatingly endless amount of time. As the reporter had only surveyed the surface facts about the story, he didn't understand its essentials, and therefore, he had no clue as to how to intelligently respond to the ever-changing situation. A moment or so later, the anchor nervously asked the question again. The reporter continued to stand there, speechless, staring blankly into the camera. Finally, the reporter began to speak. However, to everyone's embarrassment, he began to simply regurgitate the memorized facts, word for word, that he had given moments earlier - while never attempting to answer the anchor's question. As he did this, a near-hysterical producer implored the anchor to segue, as soon as possible, out of the report and back to the studio.

The reporter was fired soon thereafter.

On the other end of the spectrum, there are reporters who pride themselves on attaining a thorough understanding of their material. They can deliver their stories during torrential downpours, amidst gunfire, in the face of gale-force winds, and with curve after unexpected curve being thrown at them. And through it all, they don't lose their presence of mind or their ability to creatively and effectively deal with and thrive when major changes or delicate nuances are presented. By familiarizing themselves with and understanding the elements of their story, they can see everything in the insightful context of the "Big Picture." These individuals are said to have taken ownership of their work. They've mastered the material and made it their own.

Having been in the representation business for twenty years and a Student of Life for even longer, I see examples of both ends of the spectrum every day. Some individuals take responsibility for, and master their actions and decisions in a healthy and proactive manner. Others, passively and/or destructively, do not.

We are all performers in life in that day in and day out we perform hundreds of functions. The reporter who froze was a performer who didn't understand the why and the how of the story that he was reporting on. He only knew the superficial facts, and he didn't care enough to have a deeper understanding of the situation. Therefore, during a crisis period, when others with a more thorough knowledge and understanding might well have insightfully and adeptly processed and then appropriately responded to the anchor's question, this reporter was unprepared. He froze. He didn't know what to do or say, and he eventually ran for cover to his old (behavioral) script - literally!

In life, many of us act as this reporter did, by taking the path of least resistance. We perform the familiar scripts of our lives, without any thoughtful preparation, exploration, evaluation, understanding, or ownership. And in crises, we reflexively revert back to, run under the seemingly protective umbrella of, and act out our old behavioral patterns and strategies, even if they are crippling and diminishing and are truly hurting us and preventing our constructive growth.

The day that my life changed immeasurably for the better was the day that I began to take ownership of my decisions and my actions. This ownership required, first and foremost, that I seek to attain a truer and more comprehensive view and understanding of myself and of my behavior, as well as a fuller understanding of others and of the events around me.

Similarly, if you are to make constructive and enhancing decisions that will lead to the attainment of your most cherished goals and your truest inner happiness, you, too, must begin to take ownership of your decisions, of your actions, and of your life.

Strategy and its Execution

As soon as I took up paddle tennis, I learned how important it is to have various effective strategies available to me. A strategy to make time to practice and play. A strategy to keep improving. A strategy for playing a particular opponent. A strategy to get better players to want to include me in their games. A strategy as to how to lose weight, become more agile, gain speed, etc.

Athletics have taught me to anticipate and to make plans, in advance, that will help me effectively pursue and attain my goals. When strategies worked for me, I learned to integrate them into my decision-making and behavioral repertoires. When they didn't work, I learned to modify or discard them. As I became more mature, I learned that some strategies work in some circumstances but not in others, which means their effectiveness is context-related. As I continued to grow, I discovered that you can transfer a strategy from one facet of your life and apply it to another. For example, I used all of my Strategies regarding discipline, delayed gratification, mastering each step, Big-Picture thinking, etc., that I had successfully employed in my athletic endeavors, to doing my college course-work, starting my businesses, and writing my books.

Athletics have taught me that you must have short-term strategies and long-term strategies, and that you must keep creating, acquiring and adjusting your strategies with each new experience.

Being constructively strategy-minded has enabled me and many of my clients to achieve our most cherished dreams.

However, it is crucial to keep in mind that you can be the best strategist, but if you can't effectively execute and implement your strategies at the appropriate time, or in the appropriate place, it can all be for nothing.

The key is to be both a constructive and wise strategist, and to prepare thoroughly, so that you will have the ability to correctly and effectively execute your strategies at Crunch Time.

The Concept of Carpe Diem!

Carpe Diem (car-pay dee-um) is Latin for "seize the day" - that is, to make the very most of the moment at hand. The concept of carpe diem is infused with positive and constructive spirit and emotion. Throughout our journey, carpe diem will represent your great potential for proactively taking constructive and enhancing ownership of your decisions and your life. The high value we place on this passionate spirit and your precious potential is the foundation upon which every step of our journey is based.

All right! We've just laid the basis of our decision-making foundation. On to the fun stuff ....

Believing in a Better Lifestyle

by Crystal Woods

How many of you have ever thought about the link between believing in yourself, and getting a good income? You would think that your income is based entirely on your skills, wouldn't you. Well, we know how true that one is. So what does play a part in deciding what you are worth in money terms per year?

There's no denying that there are a lot of factors involved in setting a salary, for example, but did you know that in Australia there are about 10 times more applicants for a $25,000 job than there are for one at $50,000? One reason, I believe, is that a lot of people just don't believe that they're worth that much, and so, even if they get the courage up to ask for the job description, they talk themselves against ever applying for it. I recently saw this where I work, when a position at just over $30,000 got a literal flood of enquiries - it was well over 50. You know how many actually put the application in? Only 6. Seriously. It wasn't as though the job description was excessively difficult either. The main thing that put people off was that they had to be prepared to get in a car and travel around the region occasionally. How hard is that? Especially considering a large part of the local population commute for 1 1/2 hours to the nearest city for work...

On a personal level, I used to be in one of those $25,000 jobs. With a Uni degree, and Honours, I thought I was lucky to get it considering the high level of unemployment locally. I sold the company on how much I had to offer. They took me up on it. Then they pushed the envelope, and got even more. Bargain rates! I filled 3 job descriptions, all on my own, and I was still on $25K. After the promised salary and position title review ended up leaving me in exactly the same position, I started feeling I wasn't really being appreciated. You probably know the feeling yourself. That was when I started to think about how much I felt I was worth. I thought about what salary I wanted, and came up against some pretty strong beliefs about how I didn't really deserve more, and I should be grateful for what I had.

Pardon the language, but "stuff that" thought I.

I spent the next few months intensively working on what I believed about myself. I started to make positive affirmations about how much I was worth, and how I deserved to have a decent salary, and I didn't deserve to spend every minute stressed out over how I'd pay the bills. I repeated positive statements about myself to the mirror. I wrote down what I wanted. I did exercises to push the boundaries further.

Then, out of the blue, I got a phone call offering me a job at $43,500, and apologising because it was probably going to be fairly simple work for me.

That's when I found out about the statistics on how there's a shortage of people applying for top positions.

Now, I agree this is not a scientific study, but it seems like a pretty clear link to me. Especially considering I had a similar (although less deliberate) process happening when I got the $25K job to start with.

Do you have anything over at the end of the pay period? If not, here's a quick exercise to try. Take your current salary. Triple it, and imagine yourself being offered a position at that level. Chances are, you'll start to find all kinds of things coming up - the personal arguments you use to talk yourself out of receiving that much money.

Not convinced?

Get a tape recorder, and leave it playing while you do a role play of you, asking your boss for a raise. Make it a decent one, say $5,000 or so. When you play it back, you'll probably find that there is at least one sentence that you came up with, as yourself, that argued against you getting the raise. "I understand there's not much money at the moment..." is a common one.

Start spending a bit of time thinking about what you are really worth. Forget about the idea of being "selfish" and take a good look at what you have to offer. Work on your beliefs about yourself. As you do, and once it's solidly built into your self-image, you'll start to notice little things coming your way that do improve your lifestyle. Signposts, if you will, that you're on the right track. Maybe a small win in the lottery, or a scratchy. Maybe finding a note on the street, or getting given too much change. You'll know what it is when it happens, if you're still on track. Use them to keep yourself motivated to go that next step further. The sky really is the limit.

Priorities : Family, Self, Work, Spouse

by Paul Mauchline

I have a question I would like you to ask yourself today. Answer the question honestly, without giving it much thought right now. Just give your immediate response, keeping in mind that there might be components to the question you currently do not have in your life: for example a spouse or partner, or children. Imagine that you have all the categories that I describe in the following question. You cannot put two categories together or omit a category. Simply answer the question with a quick response, identifying your top priority (1) from the list below, and then identifying your second (2), third (3), and finally fourth (4) priority on the list. Please answer this question before continuing to read the rest of this article.

Prioritize The Following Four Items:

· Family (Which Includes Children)
· Self
· Work (Career)
· Spouse (Partner)

This is, without a doubt, one of the most important questions you can ask yourself today. It is a question that will continually come forth as you go through life. I feel that it is critical for each of us to have clarity about our own priorities. When you are faced with the challenges of your daily life, I believe that the answer to this question will help you to make better decisions and, more importantly, more conscious choices for yourself and your loved ones.

I have asked this thought-provoking question to thousands of people over the years. It is a very sensitive question that has stirred much emotion and, more significantly, thought about "What truly are our priorities for life?" I have heard many varied answers to the question. In many cases, an individual immediately becomes defensive, trying to change the question. This situation occurs, especially, when two members of a couple discover that their answers are totally different. Unquestionably, I have hit a sensitive nerve with many whom I have asked this question. The question brings out resentment, hurt, emotional baggage, and fear: things that many people have kept hidden from their partners and, primarily, from themselves.

I came up with this question when I was in my late thirties, after I had been through several relationships. I honestly have to say that I wish someone had posed this very question to me years ago. It would have saved me from a lot of emotional pain and anguish. It initiated a change in my priorities for my life.

At this point, you may be asking yourself, "So, Paul, what is your answer to the question?" The priorities for my life are the following:

· Self
· Spouse (Partner)
· Family (Which Includes Children)
· Work (Career)

Why do I put myself in the number 1 position? Quite simply: I cannot truly love my spouse or partner - or anyone else, for that matter -- unless I love and give to myself first. Why do I place my spouse or partner second, before family and children? It is the example of my love for my spouse or partner that is the most important gift I can bestow upon my children and family. Why is family, including children, third on my priority list? Because of my love for them: they are far more important than work or any amount of material reward that I receive as a result of these efforts. Loving one's self, then spouse, then family, makes work all that much more enjoyable and rewarding.

I could devote an entire book to this very subject of priorities. We could examine all the "What If?" situations that pop up daily in our lives, but I will leave those to you. I would like you to think of my answer as a guideline for life. Each and every day, I try, to the best of my abilities, to live my life based on this order of priorities. The results have been truly amazing. Not only me, but also many others have recognized the key role that these priorities play in our lives. Whether or not you agree with my particular order of priorities, I feel it is important that you give careful consideration to the question of your own priorities. In my opinion, how we choose to structure our priorities is what makes the difference between just struggling unhappily through life versus enjoying a loving.

Panic Attack! Help!

by eNotAlone.com

Can you go outside, but you can't go in a group? Can you go in a group, but you can't be in an enclosed area? Can you go if YOU drive? Can you go in a car, but you don't want to get out of it?

There are many people who panic in varying degrees, they accept it, and they try to get on with their lives. Until the next attack.

Do you know what generic PANIC really is?

Panic is a bunch of wrong thoughts. A bunch of frightened thoughts.

To some, a bunch of terrifying thoughts. Then, the body responds in whichever way that terrifies the owner of the body the most. Right?

Do you know that everyone has terrifying thoughts at one time or another?

It's what you do with them that counts.

Some people see themselves panicking many, many times a day. Look where that gets them. They panic -- and guess what!

They don't even know why. They don't even realize that their mind brought it on. Their mind saw them panicking and their brain followed through, as it usually does, and fulfilled their visualization, bringing on panic attacks at it's earliest convenience. Which is usually when you want it the least.

And guess what else! The more you focus on your panicky feelings, the more they stick around and get worse.

The minute you decide to face your fears the more you tell your brain you are willing to face them the less intense they will become.

If you label something, it gives it an entity.

So the trick is to take control of the entity -- don't label them as panic attacks. If you look at them as panic attacks -- and only you know exactly what that means to you -- you will continue to have them.

Now you have the opportunity to think of them more as something you can overcome. Give them a different label, and therefore a different entity. How about these? Panic dribbles. Panic samplers. Panic pounces. Pansy panic. You get the idea.

Here's a different definition of panic. One definition of panic is that panic is the mental or emotional state induced by the god, Pan. Now, we can get a little silly here, and say we're bigger than Pan, we're better than Pan, we're cuter than Pan, and we're smarter than Pan.

We can give Pan an entity. How's this description? He's ugly. He's mean. He's little and he's green. His nose curls at the end when he gets mad, and he doesn't like to lose. When he loses, his eyeballs bulge out, and his tongue rolls down his body to the floor and he steps on it. Make him the lousiest entity you can.

Now, do you want to give in to that mean, green little man? I don't think so. Giving your old panic attacks a different name and a description makes it much easier to beat, doesn't it?

Never let Pan have his way again, OK? And if he doesn't leave immediately, make it a challenge. Label each one of Pan's now dwindling visits. On a scale of one to ten, with ten being the hardest you've ever had, rate each visit. Of course, you know Pan isn't going to like this, but if we make it really miserable here, won't that make him go away completely?

Even if you find yourself at a ten once in a while, you know what?

That ten isn't going to stay around very long. In fact, it probably only stays a ten long enough to say ten, then you are right away going to a nine, and that immediately goes to an eight or maybe even a six? Right! This could be fun. And you know what makes it more fun? Taking charge of your life, and of Pan. Keeping him unhappy enough not to come back.

Remember, he's happiest when you are having those frightening pictures in your mind. When you have those, Pan just loves it and sticks around forever. You don't want that, do you? Well, if you don't, then you know what to do about it! Get rid of those pictures!

Shatter them! If the pictures are gone, Pan can't stick around.

Rejoice when you are panless! Know that you have now taken control of your life! Pat yourself on the back and go have some fun.
Some panless fun! Take a deep breath and move into the action.

The Fear of Feeling

by Margaret Paul, Ph.D.

We desire to find the path to inner peace, joy and freedom. We strive to feel lovable, worthy and secure. We know that if we do our inner work and open to our spiritual connection, we will feel all of that. Yet we often resist doing our inner work. This article discusses the feelings we are afraid to feel, because we are not sure we can manage them, so we turn to our addictions instead of turning to our spiritual guidance. We desire to find the path to peace, joy and freedom. We strive to feel lovable, worthy and secure. We know that if we do our inner work and open to our connection with Spirit, we will feel all of that. Yet we don't. We put off dialoguing for days or weeks. We stay stuck in our misery or numbness. Why? What are we so afraid of if we open to learning about loving?

I have searched for many years for the answer to this question. Over and over I would find myself out of grace and joy and into anxiety and stress. Each time it was because I failed to take care of myself in some way.

The problem is that all feelings are in the same box. Pain is in the same box as joy. We cannot be putting a lid on pain without putting a lid on joy as well.

What is the pain we are striving so hard to avoid feeling? Most people feel a lot of pain. We feel anxious, frightened, depressed, hurt. Since we are often in pain, it doesn't seem to make sense that we are, at the same time as we are feeling all this pain, also avoiding pain. Yet that is exactly what we are doing.

As unhappy as we may be feeling, we are avoiding pain that we believe is even greater than the pain we are feeling.

I have discovered that there are three feelings which most people want to avoid at all cost: aloneness, loneliness and helplessness over others.

Aloneness is what we feel inside when we are disconnected from God. Loneliness is what we feel when we cannot connect with another, either because our heart is closed, their heart is closed, or both of our hearts are closed. Helplessness is what we would feel if, when we want to connect with another and his or her heart is closed, we accept that there is nothing we can do to make them open their heart.
When we were babies and small children, we could not allow ourselves to feel these feelings. We could not have handled them and may have died of despair. So we learned many protections to avoid feeling these feelings.

The problem is that we still think we will die if we feel these feelings, so we are still avoiding them. We avoid connecting with God for fear God will not be there and we will feel alone. We get angry, withdraw, eat, drink, take drugs, watch TV, get busy, overwork and and indulge in many other addictions to avoid feeling the pain of our loneliness and helplessness.

Yet loneliness in our society is unavoidable. So many people spend their lives with their hearts closed to avoid their pain that it is impossible not to be around people whose hearts are closed some of the time. If we choose to avoid feeling our loneliness and helplessness, then we too will close our heart. However, when we close our heart we close down the joy too. Then we are stuck with the anxiety, fear, depression and hurt that is endemic in our society.

You will not die if you open to feeling your loneliness and helplessness. It is even quite tolerable if you hold your lonely Child while bringing through love from God, for then you are not alone in your loneliness. The willingness to feel the pain of loneliness and helplessness opens the door to joy, peace, and freedom. The more you open to God in your loneliness, the more you are able to embrace the privilege of this sacred journey of evolving your soul. There is great joy in the journey, even when there is loneliness!

Why You Feel How You Feel

by Robert M. Roerich, M.D.

Among the Blind Pit Vipers of Life the One Eyed Snake is King

My job as a researcher is to help you understand your secret emotions. I do this by analyzing your answers in describing an imaginary journey. This is not a game. My work involves helping governments prevent suicide in their SWAT Police and Special Forces Military. If you want to be amused or read theories about stuff that can't be statistically proven, then go read some other article. If you want to take a look at those secret emotions only you know and learn about them then read on.

Your emotions and important life events are stored in memory as mental imagery. This is what pops in your head when you think about someone or something emotionally important to you. You can't help it. A mental image popped into your head when you read the title of this excerpt from my book WHY YOU FEEL HOW YOU FEEL. What does “Among the Blind Pit Vipers of Life the One Eyed Snake is King” make you think of? If you thought of sex you are normal. If you thought of being hurt, then you need to read my book. This may sound like a snap judgment, but in the world of emotions that is just how it is. You are either happy or sad, proud of yourself of ashamed, feeling loved by others or not. This is called primary process thinking. It is the mind of the child, who is a very emotional kid. We are all kids deep inside. As we grow older we are supposed to control our primal instincts and needs. Some of us do, and some of us don't. Some become upright citizens, some become criminals. Some live a happy life, others commit suicide or become murderers. It is all up to you, your choice.

Your mind only remembers the stuff that means something to you, not what you ate for breakfast last Tuesday. That is just how survivalist we are inside the most important organ of the body: the brain. No, not the other one! Mental imagery is like a movie of your life with all the sights and sounds of the important stuff. Why is this secret? Inside the mind are positive and negative emotions. Which teacher do you remember most from grade school? It is probably the teacher that created strong emotion within you. If this is a positive experience, like being praised or rewarded, your unconscious mind made note of it. But if you remember harsh words or punishment, then this is engraved in your memory. You remember the important events the most and if these are more negative than positive it is emotionally overwhelming. In order to function in everyday life you have to keep the negative emotions secret.

You will be surprised at what you can imagine and understand about your mental imagery hidden in your memory vault of emotions. Your emotions are your most valuable possessions. They are what make you unique. Even identical twins are different depending on what particular emotions each of them experience. This book is about you. It is your life story. You will understand why you feel how you feel just by looking at the mental picture or image you paint. You will discover 15 secrets about you that only you know.

The River

Questions 4-7 of the Roerich Psychodynamic Inventory (RPI)

Imagine that you are walking on a road. You come to a river that must be crossed.

There before you is a river; the size and width are up to you. You cannot go around it but must imagine a way to cross. Whatever you need to cross the river is already in your mind—just imagine seeing yourself do it.

4. How do you cross the river?
5. How clean is the water?
6. How fast is the current?
7. Is there anything in the water? If so, what?

NOTE: Answer these questions before reading ahead to understand what your mental imagery means. No cheating!

The river is a sexual, fluid road of sorts on our journey through life. It can range from a clear stream or pristine beach to a muddy swamp. It may have living inhabitants or not, be narrow or wide, have slow currents or perilous rapids, or no movement at all. It is colored in different hues of light or dark and can be a place of pleasure or pain, depending on our emotional experiences in the sexual sphere of our lives.

What does sex have to do with a river?

The mind expresses sexual content on the RPI through images of water, with more water appearing on the journey among the sexually preoccupied. Some stages of life compel more sexual expression than others. Adolescence, because of the many changes brought about by puberty, focuses on sexual issues, which is normal. As we become adults, our level of sexual activity tends to decline due to physical changes, but the mind replays sexual scenarios if a need has gone unfulfilled or a sexual experience has occurred which is causing unresolved anxiety or stress.

In our subconscious mind, sex equals water, whether it is puddle, river, or ocean. Both have depth, direction, and force. The river may be a once-forded adventure or a frequent watering hole, a foreboding obstacle or a much-anticipated oasis.

Means of Crossing The River

What does the manner of crossing the river tell us?

How a person crosses the river illuminates aspects of trust in our most intimate relationships. If we completely trust, we get our feet wet, take the plunge. If there is concern or caution for some reason, then we distance ourselves from the water; we do not get our feet wet. We may choose to walk safely over a bridge, jump across the river, even fly! One person decided to board an airplane on one side of the river and fly to the other side. This person was feeling extreme aversion to sex, having been violently gang-raped.

The farther from the water, the less trust is present. We therefore show a certain degree of inhibition or not in our sexual relationships. Often times, trust is there initially, but may be lost if we are hurt in that intimate relationship. Letters of the alphabet are used to distinguish the different ways of crossing the river. An "A" crossing shows strong coping skills and minimal stress in this area, with an "F" crossing showing severe mistrust, poor coping skills, and high stress. What is your grade regarding sex or intimacy?

A. Uninhibited ways of crossing the river

• Swimming
• Wading

Note that there is contact with the water in both these examples. This person is trusting.

B. Mildly inhibited ways of crossing the river

• Walking on rocks – awareness of problems
• Walking on a fallen tree – victimization
• Walking on a log – focus on men or maleness

C. Moderate inhibition

• Boat, canoe, or other floating vessel

D. Marked inhibition

• Bridge

F. Extreme inhibition

• Jumping – significant avoidance of intimacy
• Flying – greatest avoidance of intimacy or sex


Water Color

The color of the water can describe additional feelings about our intimate relationships, as well as the particular circumstances of the sexual activity.

• Black – sadness
• Bloody – family problems
• Blue, clear – enjoyment
• Blue, murky – enjoyment with deception
• Fecal – depreciation and contamination
• Gray – confusion
• Muddy – depreciation and deception

Contents of the River Water

• Alligators – victimization
• Branches, twigs, leaves – victimization
• Fish
• Goldfish – pleasure and materialism
• Piranha – victimization
• Trout – pleasure
• Snakes – victimization, possibly intimate
• Snapping turtles – victimization
• Trash, litter – depreciation


River Current Speed

The speed of the current indicates the speed of the intimate relationship. Our involvement may have elements of caution or of spontaneity. Impulse, however, may bring pleasure at an emotional cost, especially when emotion overpowers reason.

Fast, white water – excitement with impulsiveness

Moderate current – excitement with some caution

Slow current – exploration with enjoyment

Stagnant – entrapment without enjoyment

Summary Template:

4. How do you cross the river?

· Boat–am moderately inhibited
· Bridge–am markedly inhibited
· Flying over–am extremely inhibited and afraid of getting close to anyone
· Jumping–am extremely inhibited
· Riding a horse–am mildly inhibited but tend to trust men
· Swimming–am trusting and uninhibited
· Wading–am trusting and uninhibited
· Walking on a fallen tree–am mildly inhibited and feel hurt by men
· Walking on a log–am mildly inhibited and enjoy the company of men
· Walking on rocks–am mildly inhibited and am aware of problems here


4. Concerning intimate or sexual matters, I_____________________.

The closer you are to the water the more you trust intimacy or sex. The farther away you are the more you fear or avoid intimacy with people.


5. What does the water look like?

· Black – sadness
· Bloody – someone's incest
· Blue, clear – absolute enjoyment
· Blue, murky – feeling deceived
· Fecal – feeling depreciated and contaminated by someone
· Gray – confusion
· Muddy – feeling depreciated and deceived by someone


5. In the intimate or sexual sphere, I am dealing with issues of ________________________________.


6. How fast is the current? ________________________

· Fast, white water – am impulsive and excited by it
· Moderate – am excited but somewhat cautious
· Slow – I enjoy it and take my time
· Stagnant – I don't enjoy it because I feel trapped by someone


6. When I think of intimacy or sex, I ___________________________.


7. Is there anything in the water? If so, what?
_________________________________________________

· Alligator – that I am a victim of someone
· Twigs, leaves – that I am a victim and a part of me is missing
· Fish, goldfish – that sex is fun but has its price
· Fish, piranha – that I am a victim of someone
· Snakes – of someone being hurt by men

7. … and there are feelings__________________________.

Pleasant images describe pleasant feelings; the opposite is true, as well.

The following is an example of how a sexual issue in a young man revealed why he was so stressed.


Fear of the Black River: Lex

Lex was a young college student with a violent temper and a history of trouble with the law. He had broken up with yet another girlfriend and considered himself quite a lady's man. Lex liked sex but one thing really bothered him. He had inexplicably lost a lot of weight and was angry and depressed about it. His description of the Road as he imagined it revealed much about his fears.

He described what he walked as a hard, dirt road. Along it were several stop signs. The fact that the road was made of dirt showed that Lex had feelings of worthlessness about his life. Financially struggling and feeling sickly, he felt as if his life was ending. The stop signs along the road kept him from making any significant progress, just as the circumstances of his life seemed to suggest that he was a failure.

When Lex went to the river, he easily swam across it; there were no inhibitions in his relationships. The house he visualized along the road was a trailer in good condition (The HOUSE is described in more detail in Chapter Four), and he saw himself living in it; this indicated he was very self-reliant.

When he came to the obstacle in the road, he described a black, filthy river contaminated with sewerage (The OBSTACLE is described in Chapter Six).

"Are you afraid of something, Lex, something that might be a threat to your life?"

"Yeah, I'm afraid, Doc. I'm afraid of dying of something."

"Do you think that something could be AIDS?"

Lex looked at me with surprise. "Yes, I'm terrified of getting AIDS! How did you know that?"

"Your obstacle is a river, which symbolizes intimacy or sex. The river is contaminated and black, which could mean that the intimacy is contaminated by something sad or even deadly, like the Black Death or, in our times, AIDS."

When Lex realized the source of his fear, he could face it and move on with his life, dealing with the issues that had given him feelings of worthlessness and hopelessness.

A Male Sexual Abuse Profile

Luis was a twenty-seven-year-old Hispanic male who was hospitalized because his parents feared he would try to commit suicide. He had a history of hospitalizations, alcoholism, depression, and suicidal thoughts. He claimed to have heard voices since he was a young boy that told him to hurt himself and others, and to steal. To escape the voices, he began taking drugs and drinking when he was ten years old.

Luis's family life was a prime example of a dysfunctional home. Both his parents were chemically dependent; his mother had a medical problem that gave him access to prescription drugs. All the members of his nuclear family became users and continually had addiction problems. Luis was sexually molested at age 10 by an older brother; the molestation lasted four years. When he was in junior high school, he overdosed on Valium in an attempt to escape his home life. However, his parents denied that this was a suicide attempt and did not seek any sort of treatment for him. As had been done to him, he molested one of his younger siblings.

After Luis graduated from high school, he attended college and at the age of twenty married. At twenty-one he joined the Navy to escape his family and marriage. When first married, he and his wife both drank heavily; but after the birth of their child, his wife became sober. Luis's continued alcoholism and drug use became the problem that resulted in divorce after a year of marriage.

After four years, Luis left the Navy and worked at various odd jobs. His drinking made it impossible for him to hold a steady job. The lack of a career or any focus in life exacerbated his feelings of hopelessness. Yet he failed to make any connection between his chemical dependency and his lack of direction.

"Luis, tell me what you see far off in the distance from where you are on the road."

"A sandy area, like a desert. It is covered with dark gray and blue sand, and there is a palm tree in it. The season is summer."

"What do you see between yourself and the desert?"

"A city, a big city with gray buildings. There are cars passing by me. People and taxi cabs. I see a bum standing on the street nearby."

"You are walking down a road. Describe the road."

"It's a black, asphalt road; it's dry and smooth, straight and flat."

"When you come to a river, what do you see? What's the water like?"

"It's murky. The current isn't too fast or too slow."

"Do you see anything in it?"

"Snakes."

"How do you get across?"

"In a boat."

"O.K. Now you come to a house. What does it look like? Is there anyone in it?"

"It's white, in good shape. I'm not sure if anyone lives there."

"Did anyone live there before?"

"My family and I used to live there."

"You walk past the house and come upon a cup. What is the cup like?" (The CUP is described in Chapter Five)

"White, ordinary, in good condition."

"Is there anything in it?"

"Yeah, hot, steaming fresh coffee."

"What was in it before?"

"Just clear water, and only for a little while."

"Now you walk along the road some more and come to an obstacle. Describe it for me."

"It's a big tree knocked over by the wind."

"Was there anything there before the tree?"

"Yes, a red car was stalled in the road before the tree fell over."

"Was there anything else there before the car?"

"Yeah, some light gray snakes."

"What do you see beyond the obstacle, Luis?"

"Nothing. There's no road after the tree. Just thick green bushes and wild animals. Nothing else."

When I studied the descriptions Luis shared with me, I came to understand that he was preoccupied with and confused by an unstable situation. The fact that he saw a desert in the distance with dark-colored sand was a clue that he felt deserted by some authority figure in his life. Luis felt that life was passing him by, like the cars, taxis, and people in his image of the city. He felt sad and unproductive, like the bum he visualized beside him. Yet all this paled in comparison to Luis's pain from the past.

The snakes in Luis's river are phallic symbols, indicative of a preoccupation with male sexuality. The water was murky, concealing what lay beneath the surface. Luis felt deceived in some way by someone close to him. The house he pictured was white, the color of innocence. The fact that it was in good condition but that his obstacle (the fallen tree) indicated victimization, suggested that Luis was in denial about the support he needed from others or himself. That Luis had lived in the house before but now saw no one inside revealed that he felt good about himself earlier, perhaps during his childhood, and had had an intimate relationship that boosted his self-image. The description of a white cup in good shape was another indication of denial that victimization had occurred. The presence of hot, steaming coffee was a clue that Luis had a commitment with someone, but he refused to say who that person might be.

The fallen tree across Luis's road, blown over by the wind, was a symbol of himself as a victim of someone more powerful than he. Wind, as an invisible but potent force, symbolized the passive, invisible anger that Luis felt toward this abusive authority figure. The red car stalled in the road before the tree fell referred to Luis himself; he may have felt stalled in an intimate relationship, not progressing as he believed he should have been. The gray snakes, symbols of male sexuality, may have reflected Luis's concern about his own sexuality and the sexual abuse he suffered at the hands of his brother.

Luis saw animals, green trees and bushes beyond his obstacle. Animals symbolize instinct, and bushes that are green are signs of adolescence. These symbols were evidence that Luis was in a state of denial about a pleasurable intimate relationship that occurred during his youth, something he needs to resolve. Luis's feelings of support (occupied house in "good" condition) and of not being hurt in relationships (cup in "good" condition) together with the symbol of victimization (the fallen tree) suggest that he was in denial of issues that needed to be resolved (For information about the relationship between a house or cup in good condition and a symbol of victimization, see the Workbook section).

I suspected that Luis's "voices" were not hallucinations at all, but may have been memories of male voices heard at the time of the abuse. He may have been suffering from Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder; the flashbacks and nightmares were probably something he felt embarrassed about and unable to share. Luis would need long-term therapy to help him face the deep and complicated causes of his pain.

A Female Sexual Abuse Profile

Mary, an elderly grandmother, sits in her room in the elegant Golden Memories Nursing Home in rural Ruby, Texas, feeling like a bird in a gilded cage. Doctor Ivers is worried about her escalating nervousness and violence, and he writes an order for a psychological consultation. The young psychologist walks into Mary's room with books and pages full of examinations in hand.

"Now, Mary, I want you to answer these questions True or False. I know there are a lot of them but do the best that you can, and I'll be back later this afternoon." Eric placed the thick booklet of questions and two pencils on the table in front of her.

Later that afternoon Eric returned to the testing room only to find that Mary had not answered a single question but instead had crossed out page after page with large Xes.

"Go away and leave me alone!" yelled Mary as Eric offered to ask the hundreds of questions one by one out loud.

Puzzled about what to do next, Eric decides to use a mental imagery research software program he recently received from the local medical school.

Louise is present as Eric explains to Mary that she must give a detailed description of her walk down an imaginary road. Shaking and tremulous, Mary complains, "These are silly questions, I don't know what to think."

Eric waits patiently and asks the question again: "What color is the road, Mary?"
"It's the color of any road! Are we playing a game? What a ridiculous question." Finally, she says, "Look, I can't see anything. It's very stormy and windy and the road is dark."

"You come to a river and have to cross. How do you cross it?"

"How should I know? I don't know how to swim. Go away!"

"You can cross it any way you want to. How do you cross it, Mary?"

"I don't want to cross it. I would rather ride a bull and jump as high as the moon to get over it."

"You have crossed the river and come to a house. Describe the house for me."

"It's just a deserted shack with spiders and rats in it. Now, leave me alone."

"You come to an open field and come to a cup lying on the ground. What does the cup look like?"

"It's a paper cup, all crumpled up and old looking."

"Okay, Mary, we're almost through with the questions. You now come to something that blocks your path, prevents you from going any further; there's an obstable on the road. Describe the obstacle."

"I don't see anything blocking the road. I see a board with a big nail sticking out of it. Under the board is a big muddy hole in the ground. It looks deep."

Returning from the computer with a two-page printed report, Eric shares what the Road reveals. "Mary, there are indications here that you are actually very depressed to the point of agitation, and that you have a lot of anger about being hurt by a man."

Suddenly, Mary began to cry. The tears just came flooding out, accompanied by long wails of, "Why did it have to happen to me, what did I do to deserve this?"

"It's all my fault, I am being punished by God! I would rather be dead and in my grave than go on."

The daughter and Eric give each other puzzled looks. Mary's daughter puts her arm around her mother, but Mary refuses to be comforted. "Don't touch me, go away and leave me alone!"

"Mary," Eric says softly, "would you mind sharing with us what's wrong?"

Mary looked deep into her daughter's eyes and apologized for her behavior. Then she began her story.

"I was one of ten children living with my family in the Texas valley, and my mom and dad were having a hard time making ends meet. Mom knew of a rich family living across the border in Mexico who wanted a young American girl to live with them and teach the children English. They would pay handsomely, they said, and Mom decided I should work for them and send the money back home.

"The Mexican family was prominent for producing products they exported all over the world. The father was well liked and respected by everyone in the community and was known as a shrewd and clever businessman. Everyone thought it was a great idea to take the job, so I moved in with them, just five miles from my home in Ruby."

Mary stopped her story to relate that for many years she had this recurring nightmare:

"I was in a dark and scary house with many doors and secret passageways. I was running. There was a man coming after me, speaking in Spanish, telling me to come to him. He smelled of tequila and cigars. I was frightened and kept running, looking for hiding places under beds and in closets. All I ever saw of him were the rough cowboy boots he wore.

"In later flashbacks, I could see the blue Levi jeans he had on. I didn't know who it was then, but in later flashbacks I was able to make out more. I noticed he was wearing a thick brown belt with a shiny buckle with a large star on it. He was not wearing a shirt, and he had muscular arms with large tattoos and a very hairy chest.
"Finally, after going through all those flashbacks, I was able to make out his face. It was Don Pedro, the man who had hired me to be a live-in governess. I have kept this secret for years. The questions made me remember."

Mary began to receive psychotherapy from Eric, who had won her confidence, and in the weeks that passed, each day brought a calmer and more peaceful mood. Mary no longer required nerve medication and she walked with a steadier gait. She was on the way to recovery from the sexual abuse she suffered so long ago.

Though years may pass and memories seem too embarrassing to utter, each step we take on the Roerich Psychodynamic Inventory (RPI) is a step towards healing the hurt of the past and the anger and depression of the present.