FEAR

The following excerpt is from the self helppsychology book, Be Your Own Therapist.

Fear plays an essential role in nearly all our psychological problems. Whenever trauma knots get triggered by our thoughts or by life events, fear arises. For it was fear of fully experiencing the original traumas that caused them originally to be tied in knots. Stress is fear.

Fear shows itself in a multiplicity of ways. Those who were not loved will often sabotage their close relationships because of fear of being loved. Those who couldn't ask their parents for love will fear doing so with their current partners.

Those who were trained to be tough will be afraid of signs of weakness (weakness according to their definition). Those who learned to be afraid of anger will often have fearful rationales for their avoidance of anger. Phobias, anxieties and depression are symptoms that often have significant roots in fear. Whatever trauma knots you have not resolved will cause you fear (i.e., stress).

The average two-year-old is a great beacon for emotional health, displaying a full range of emotions and moving beyond them once they are expressed.

Often we deny the fear, switching instantaneously to anger, addiction, depression, or other favorite dodges. It is often an important first step just to recognize the fear as fear. The process of change can then start, for one can examine the situation more rationally to see if fear is warranted. Perhaps something different next time can be experienced instead of getting locked in the fear. Much fear is fear acquired as a child, which frequently may be discarded once it is in full conscious awareness. If it cannot be discarded, then examining the relevant trauma knots may be required.

There are many available self-help books with the word fear in their titles. They can be most valuable, for almost all therapy problems have some roots in fear. Some of these books suggest turning fear into love. Some suggest facing the fear. Another prescription is to act counterphobically (doing what one fears). When you are in your favorite bookstore, I suggest perusing the self-help aisle. If one of the available books appeals to you, it will probably be right for you.

Emotionally Healthy Adults (with respect to fear)1. are not fearful or anxious for other than brief periods of time.2. will experience fear (or anger) if physically threatened. (This is the natural fight/ flight response.)3. are able to confront and change their fear-causing beliefs to happier beliefs. Thus, they do not get stuck in stress.4. are often capable of appropriate action, despite high levels of fear.

Few of us achieve the above, yet wouldn't you be happier if you could? Perhaps one of the above possibilities could be a long term goal for you.

There are several so-called emotions that are inherently stuck. Feel them and you stay in them. They remain around forever, unless the real truths beneath them are felt. Some inherently stuck feelings are: guilt, jealousy, depression, humiliation, shame and degradation. Feeling them for any longer than it is necessary to recognize them is not productive. Be on the lookout behind these stuck feelings for other unwanted feelings (such as childhood hurt, love, fear, rage or grief) which, if felt, could help change the immobility.

The ultimate in personal responsibility: "If I am unhappy in any way, I need to change myself."

It is often but not always true that: (1)guilt indicates repressed anger at early parenting figures, (2)jealousy indicates a fear of loss of early parenting figures, (3)depression indicates repression of difficult feelings, and (4)humiliation, shame and degradation indicate difficulties with self-esteem (or with judging others if others are judged as humiliated, shamed or degraded). It is suggested that you use this paragraph as a likely starting point for exploration of your own stuck emotions.

We see skewed (i.e. twisted, neurotic, off-target, etc.) emotional expression everywhere and rarely label it as such. (By so labeling it, this may prove to be a most unpopular paragraph.) Hurt feelings that keep on happening over and over can be labeled skewed, neurotic or off-base. Guilt, shame or jealousy that keeps persisting is evidence that e-motions are blocked and unwilling to be faced. For adults, nearly all adult anger in the present at politicians, spouses, children, neighbors and favorite targets is skewed. Tears that don't stop imply skewness.

Why so much skewed emotional expression? The reason is that 97% of us learned in our growing-up years to stuff one or more of our emotions (causing trauma knots as described in Chapter 3). Stuffed emotions are remembered by our bodies and our unconscious minds, and they act like internal irritants. They keep grating on us, keep causing us anxiety and keep leading us into addictive situations in which we can discharge the irritating energy in a skewed fashion. A skewed discharge reduces our anxiety, although temporarily. A discharge of most of the important emotions of the original trauma knot, on the other hand, usually eliminates the knot.

Emotionally healthy adults, with respect to anger, are comfortable with anger and hatred, their own and others.

How can you tell what the truth is behind the skewness? There are some tendencies that are useful to know. If your anger or sadness is skewed, the most likely place to look for the truth is your own kid anger or kid sadness associated with your unexplored childhood traumas. If you perceive your guilt to be skewed, then childhood anger is the most likely culprit. Skewed expression of love most commonly starts in one's youth with skewed or absent parental expressions of love. These are all just likelihoods. We can and do use skewed love in the present to compensate for stuffed anger in our past. We use guilt and shame to compensate for stuffed love in our past. We can use almost any emotion as skewed compensation for another. Our feelings of relief in such circumstances, however, will be temporary.

The often lengthy process of discovering and experiencing your own emotional truths will provide permanent relief. (That does not imply you need be unhappy for much of that time or that the process necessarily will take up huge blocks of your time.) It does mean that there will be moments of difficulty, moments of stress, and moments of pain. If one learns to e-mote in a non-skewed way, however, then these will be moments of difficulty, instead of continuous difficulty. If one keeps on stuffing the emotion(s), then the resultant stress will be ever present. To that I say, "No thanks!".

For maximum happiness, contentment and inner peace, we need all our emotions, not just the pleasant ones.