Top 10 Traits Of A Great Girlfriend

By Jonathan Carlson

I must admit that playing the field is a whole lot of fun, but so is being in a serious relationship -- provided that it's with the right woman. But how do you know if she really is the right woman for you? If she possesses the following 10 traits, you better hold on to her for dear life or, before you know it, a guy who already knows where it's at will get his hands on your "goods."

Number 10

She's independent
No one wants a girlfriend they have to baby-sit. Once in a while, like if she's had a rough day at work, it's great to be her shoulder to cry on, but if she can't seem to function without you and is constantly after you, she will eventually make you feel like you're suffocating, which is a surefire way to get you running out the nearest exit.

On the other hand, if she has her very own personality and opinions, can stand on her own two feet, both financially and emotionally, and is able to enjoy time away from you -- while still missing you, of course -- then she must be a great girlfriend.

Number 9

She's intelligent
I hate to be the one to tell you this, but the bimbo routine gets real old, real fast. A woman who can meet you at an intellectual level is a total turn-on. Instead of being the one in total control, you'll find yourself trying to figure out what she's really thinking behind those glazed eyes of hers -- or if she's actually thinking at all.

An intelligent woman will constantly surprise you and keep you on your toes. She won't let you get bored of her. Besides, it's nice to have something to talk about between all that chandelier-hanging sex.

Number 8

She's sexual
While we're on the topic, a great girlfriend has to be sexually compatible with you. For instance, if you're into S&M and she's more the "fluffy lingerie" type, that's a problem. The two of you have to be on the same page -- or, at least, she has to be willing to wear leather and use a whip from time to time.

Of course, this doesn't imply that she has to know all the right moves straight away; it simply means that you and she have an undeniable attraction towards each other, and are able to communicate your desires verbally (or with physical cues). It is important that you please each other in the bedroom, or on top of the dryer -- whatever the case may be.

Number 7

She's beautiful
I know, this one is kind of obvious, but important nonetheless. A great girlfriend will not only want to look good for you, but also for herself. She should always look her best and be well put together -- matching lingerie is a definite plus.

You have to be proud to have her on your arm and enjoy the sight of her in any light. And this doesn't mean that she has to be a Heidi Klum clone. Remember that beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so if you think her full bottom or uncontrollable curls are beautiful, you're allowed.

Number 6

She respects you
This is a biggie. Your woman must respect you. This means that she listens to you, even if she doesn't necessarily agree with what you're saying. And, of course, she never tries to demean or belittle you in any way, shape, or form.

A great girlfriend won't ever cause scenes in public or in front of your friends and family, and will always wait to discuss matters with you in private. If she respects you, chances are that she will behave in a tactful and diplomatic manner in most situations, which is definitely a good thing.

Does your woman bring you and the guys beer on poker night?

Number 5

She lets you be a man
Do not -- I repeat -- do not get involved with a woman who tries to get you to eat cottage cheese and fruit for breakfast and insists that you give up poker night with the guys. You will end up resenting her more than you can imagine. A good girlfriend lets you be a guy in all your glory, poker night and all. If she's a great girlfriend, she'll even bring you and your buddies a couple of beers and make you some of her famous sandwiches.

She has to understand that men and women are different and should allow you to be yourself. Just like you wouldn't deprive her of going shopping with her best girlfriend, she shouldn't expect you to give up the guys for her.

Number 4

She's nagless
There is nothing worse than a nag! A great girlfriend knows this and chooses her battles wisely. She knows when to speak-up and when to let it slide. You don't want a girlfriend who will give you the heights of hell for leaving a couple of dishes in the sink occasionally.

However, if you live together and you stay out all night without calling her, and she lets you have it, then you're setting yourself up for disaster. This is a situation that nobody would let slide -- not even a great girlfriend.

Number 3

She gets along with friends & family
A great girlfriend will not only help your mom in the kitchen, listen to your dad's stories, and hang out with your friends, she will enjoy it. She'll make a real effort to get to know and love the most important people in your life. And she won't try to get you to ditch your best buds.

She'll actually empathize with your brother's getting dumped and suggest that you guys take him out to cheer him up. Not only that, but your friends won't roll their eyes and moan when you mention that she'll be joining you guys when she gets off work (yes, women like this do exist).

Number 2

She loves you
If you have found a woman who loves you for who you really are and not who you pretend or try to be sometimes, you should definitely hang on to her. A woman who doesn't try to change you is hard to find. Of course, everyone has their slightly annoying habits that their mate has to contend with, but if she really loves you, she will be able to cope with these.

Another way to know if she really loves you is by observing the way she looks at you and treats you on an everyday basis. If the sight of you doesn't seem to faze her either way, and she doesn't really seem to care about what you have to say, she's either playing very hard to get, or sees you as just some guy. But if a surprise visit or phone call from you makes her light up, there's no denying that she loves you.

Number 1

She makes you want to be a better man
Stop making that face... Any man who has a great girlfriend or wife will tell you that she makes him want to be a better man. She doesn't have to say or do anything; it just is that way. If you suddenly feel bad about how you treated your sister or find yourself trying to get your finances in order, you might want to think about your motivation for doing so. It could be love.

do you already have her?

So, if this list seems to describe your current flame, you, my friend, are styling. In fact, you are probably the envy of all of your friends, even if they tease you for losing your status as "king player."

However, if the woman you are dating is more like the polar opposite, then I don't think that getting serious with her would be in your best interest -- but you knew that already, didn't you?

Essentials Of A Good Woman

By Mr. Mafioso

I'll tell you one thing: There are no thighs that look as good as the ones that are about to walk out your front door and never come back. This is doubly true if she's a good woman because you'll learn real quick how tough it is to find another.

Men cannot live on broads alone, even though they'd like to. As much as you want to chase tail forever, if you find a good woman, consider the fact that they don't come along often. Having a woman that you can trust is invaluable, especially after the world has boxed your ears for a few decades. Rest assured that I ain't no saint, but I try to keep priorities straight at home.

You'll never have a shortage of problems in life, so I say forget about dating women stuck on the "crazy" setting. A friend of mine got stabbed in the leg with a fork by his goomah. Need I say more? Those chicks are nighttime fun, sure, but they are erratic and costly, and they distract you from business. Besides, I'm not sure adulthood is meant to be fun. Your 20s were meant to be fun. After that, the real world expects responsibility, and a good woman can help you find success. I'll tell you what: In your 40s, the most fun in life comes after you've worked hard at something and can celebrate a victory, such as after you've pulled off a casino scam.

So what is a good woman? I know what you're thinking: a deaf-mute Pamela Anderson. But jokes aside, here are some things to look for and a few to avoid.

good qualities

Loyal
The same rule that applies to capos and bosses can apply to your wife or girlfriend. Loyalty is a virtue, especially when it comes to pillow talk at bedtime. Secrets get shared in every relationship. If she's nosy, that's a problem, but over the course of time -- unless you're sleeping with a real deadbolt -- she'll figure certain things out, and she of all people had better not be a rat.

Supportive
One thing that's very important is how she represents you when you're apart. If she goes out with the girls and drags you down endlessly, that's disaffection, brother. If she has a low opinion of you, it needs to be confined and then unwound. In the same way, you shouldn't be dragging her name through the mud. If there's a problem, fix it at home or tackle the issue constructively, but you don't need her plaguing your reputation when plenty of cafones are willing to do it already. If she's got to criticize you, it’s better to have it done to your face.

There’s no way you’ll get anywhere in life if you have some broad nagging at you…

Patient
If she nags you, this is a serious, deadly problem. Like the black mold that grows in bathrooms, it's best to recognize this early. I'm certain that nagging shortens a man's lifespan more than smoking does. And guys, if you want to make a splash in this world, you can't be browbeaten into going to the ballet instead of playing poker. Have you ever heard a story about a gangster in the 1930s saying, "Yes dear, ok, fine, I'll stop bootlegging"?

Sensible
As much as we like goomahs to be dumb, wives shouldn't be. You have a doormat on your stoop, but you shouldn't file taxes with one. If you have a dumb woman, then you might end up with dumb kids, especially if you expect her to raise them while you're out working. Now, keep in mind that I say "smart," as in common sense, but you don't want some pinko with a Ph.D. in penis envy. John Gotti's wife, Victoria, raised his kids and stayed married to him through all of his court cases -- and she was a high-school dropout.

Calm
Your confidence in your career will wax and wane with successes and failures. Taking risks means working toward success, and if you have a woman that supports you, it's like leaving the house wearing a newly pressed shirt. A woman who believes in your dreams will make reaching your goals that much better because she helped you get there. If Dillinger's marriage hadn't fallen apart, maybe he'd have become an American Family Insurance salesman instead of America's Most Wanted. A nice sweetheart can talk sense into you when you're angry with such simple lines as, "You look nice, baby, but please don't sack that Wells Fargo."

bad qualities

Party girl
We all love these types of girls -- but to settle down with? Forget about it. If problems with drugs or alcohol are even remote questions, answer them by giving her a beer for the road and saying, "Hit the bricks, honey." This will be a real issue if you have kids, and simply put, it's unacceptable. This is not to suggest that a prude or a teetotaler is best, because it's nice to have some fun with your woman. But if she's tipping her glass by noon and it ain't Sunday Communion, she's got a problem, and therefore, so do you. “In vino veritas” means "there is truth in wine," and in my business, that leads to another saying: “Loose lips sink ships.”

It ain’t all in the gazongas, boys…

Stacked
I like stacks of money as much as I like stacked ladies. However, the bust ain't as essential as honesty -- not in the long haul. When you're young, it's hard to think beyond a woman’s body, but at some point after the honeymoon, you'll be thinking more about spaghetti carbonara than Kama Sutra. After a 10-hour workday, her calzone may be more attractive than her body. And be careful about having dessert elsewhere because plenty of wiseguys, like “Trigger Mike” Coppola, have betrayed their wives and been burned by the hellfire of a woman scorned. A friend of mine, a real sage, said: "It don't matter where you get your appetite, as long as you eat at home."

behind every great man…

In the end, a good woman is someone that you respect and like to have dinner with. If she's not fun to eat with, then you have a lot of silent meals ahead of you. Silence is no good, especially in an Italian house. Remember: For it to last, she's got to interest you for 50 years, so take one more bite of that calzone before you throw it away.
________________________________________________

17 Steps To Becoming A Mature Man

By Michael Hirsch

As an adult male, you are physically mature. But you are not truly a man until you have also matured mentally and emotionally. Unless you're married with children (in which case instant maturity was forced upon you), you probably still have some growing up to do.

The following steps will have you well on your way to becoming a more mature man.

social factors

1- Accept responsibility
Responsibility is the foundation of character and integrity. Learn to accept responsibility for your actions, without any excuses. Accept blame as readily as you do credit. Be prepared for the consequences of your decisions and make the right ones so as to minimize those occasions where you must shoulder responsibility. For instance, cut out potentially dangerous behavior such as speeding, or driving after a few drinks.

2- Control your emotions
An inability to rein your emotions can produce problems in both your personal and professional life. Rather than suppressing your feelings, work on venting them while controlling your words and actions. For example, if someone lashes out at you in anger, don't respond in kind. Instead, remain calm and cool -- you'll be the better man for it.

3- Give back
Your successes have a lot to do with help you received along the way. So return the favor and help out others. If you can afford to, donate money to a charity, church or any other worthwhile organization. If money is short, donate your time by volunteering for a charity or mentoring a child.

4- Spend time with family & friends
Be sure to visit your relatives often. If you can't, then keep in touch with them. Call them and catch up. The same applies to your buddies. Even if you're all hitched, try to get together every week. Go for a few beers or play a round of golf. Remember that you probably knew your friends before your girl came into the picture.

know thyself

5- Overcome character flaws
Each one of us has character flaws. Become aware of your habits, traits and overall personality. Listen to what your friends and family say about your behavior. Work on eliminating character weaknesses and enhancing your strong traits; for example, if your work ethic is lacking, resolve to put in a greater effort at work every day.

6- Mind your manners
The way you treat others through your words or actions reflects directly on you. You're a walking, talking billboard for yourself. So advertise your good manners. If you don't, people won't like you, won't want to hire you and won't want to date you. Practice the good manners that your parents instilled in you.

7- Do your own thing
Do what you think is right for yourself, not what others think is right for you. In other words, follow your bliss. And don't compare yourself with others, especially in regards to material gain, or you'll likely feel inadequate. Take a chance on a career path you've always dreamed of, but never followed.

8- Operate with integrity
A man of integrity puts his principles and moral ethics in front of pleasure and personal gain. Employers, colleagues and women all respect people of integrity. Practice keeping your word and doing what's right, instead of just what you want.

Clean up and learn to let go of the reins...

set your sights

9- Meet your goals
From CEOs of companies to professional athletes, successful people all share a single powerful habit: The ability to set and accomplish goals. Without defined goals and a solid plan, your life will become a daily grind that provides little happiness and even less fulfillment. Start by writing down daily, weekly and monthly goals for yourself. Then resolve to meet them and accomplish your dreams.

10- Kick bad habits
All of us have bad habits to varying degrees. Sooner or later, you'll suffer the consequences of them. Make a commitment to reduce and eliminate your bad habits. Pick one of your worst tendencies, like swearing or persistent tardiness, and tell your family and friends that you're working on cutting it out of your life. With them acting as watchdogs, you're more likely to kick it.

11- Keep a youthful outlook
Remember that you're only as old as you think you are. Maintain a youthful and fun lifestyle that stimulates your body and mind. Pursue fun and wild activities like white water rafting or parachuting. As long as you're feeling younger, why not get yourself a younger girlfriend?

12- Take advantage of opportunities
Opportunities abound in life, but taking advantage of them often involves risk. Nothing great has ever been accomplished without great risk. Whether you have an opportunity to start your own business or date a girl who you think is out of your league, believe in yourself and strike while the iron is hot. Don't live with regret.

13- Master patience
Patience and persistence breed success. Most great people fail more times than they succeed. So, learn to pause and relax when you feel impatient. Practice patience by babysitting for a friend or relative's child.

the well-rounded man

14- Diversify your interests
Take up a new hobby or interest in order to expand your horizons and become a more well-rounded man. Make the effort to challenge yourself by developing a new skill, such as learning to speak a foreign language. Once you've done so, reward yourself with a trip to a foreign country to test your fluency.

15- Read more
Reading is the key to expanding your vocabulary and knowledge. Turn off the TV for an hour each day and pick up a book instead. Read inspirational books related to self-improvement or your career interest. Or read an entertaining book just for fun.

16- Exercise
Exercise is the key to looking and feeling younger. What you do is not as important as how much you do it. So make a commitment to incorporate some form of physical activity into your daily routine.

17- Get a pet
Having a pet has been shown to greatly reduce stress and improve happiness. Furthermore, a pet is one of the best ways to learn about responsibility and commitment. This will help you prepare for marriage and eventual children.

be wise, young man

As you continue on your journey toward becoming a mature man, remember that one of the keys is to always maintain a positive outlook. A positive mental attitude about everything in your life will allow you to succeed where others have failed.

No matter how bad things get, if you resolve to be positive and never quit, you'll always find a way to win in life.

Etiquette Of A Gentleman: Part III

By Edward Chalmers

"People, like diamonds, have a basic market value, but it is only after they have been polished that the world will pay their real value." - William Thourlby

Whatever the business or personal situation, your most valuable commodity is yourself. Practice all your best marketing techniques to attract interest and create a positive and lasting impression.

Here are some additional tips on how to gain a competitive edge by using etiquette to demonstrate that you are a true gentleman.

Courtesy & Consideration

Don't "kiss and tell"
Discretion, honor and integrity are of paramount importance in developing and maintaining your reputation as a gentleman. Details of your love life should remain private. Similarly, if a colleague has too much to drink at a party, be discreet. Never break a confidence and don't participate in unkind gossip.

Interrupt politely
Etiquette dictates that you should never interrupt, but that's not always practical. Interjecting your comments while someone else is speaking is definitely impolite, unless there is an emergency, or other good and valid reason. If you must interrupt or leave a conversational group, be sure to say, "excuse me" or "I beg your pardon." Being polite means treating other people's situations, opinions and feelings with respect.

Be prudently punctual
It's important to be respectful of people's time. Arrive on time for meetings, business functions and social events. If a meeting is dragging on later in the day than planned, a gent will ask if there are any time conflicts. A true gentleman also recognizes when it's time to leave a party.

Suave Communication

Practice good etiquette
Being courteous and respectful extends to how you handle your oral and written communications. Letters and voicemail messages should show that you are well-mannered and professional. In addition, practice e-mail Netiquette and cell phone etiquette.

Be a gracious guest
Thank the host at a social or business function. At a company party, always seek out and thank the most senior management in attendance, plus your own boss and the party organizers.

Remember to thank others and be PC...

Thank others
Send handwritten thank-you notes for any gifts you receive, whether they are from suppliers or clients, or even your great-aunt Martha. Thank your server at lunch, the doorman at your building and your colleague who brings in donuts. Recognizing other people's thoughtfulness demonstrates your good breeding.

Don't be politically incorrect
The difference between a gentleman and a boor is class. Show you have it. Avoid off-color jokes and gossip. A few cheap laughs at someone else's expense will tarnish your image, both socially and professionally.

Practice small talk
Whether you're at a wedding reception or business conference, how you make conversation will boost the impression of your refinement. Charming conversationalists mentally rehearse small talk on a variety of topics, avoiding religion, politics and sex. A gentleman listens attentively, making eye contact, showing interest and graciously drawing other people into a conversation.

Gallantry

Carry a handkerchief
Plan ahead. Have a clean handkerchief in your pocket, especially when you attend a funeral. It's also a great idea to have a hanky handy for a lady friend to dry raindrops or tears.

Share your umbrella
It's very gallant to offer your umbrella to a lady. On a chilly evening or if the air conditioning is high, your wife or date might appreciate the loan of your suit jacket and others will notice your thoughtfulness. However, this gesture may be viewed as patronizing in a business setting, so don't do it for a female colleague unless hypothermia is imminent.

Cough thoughtfully

If you're overcome by a fit of coughing or sneezing, excuse yourself and leave the meeting or dinner table for a few minutes. Return quietly and apologize again as you take your seat.

Pay the bill discreetly
When you invite someone for lunch or dinner, accept the bill discreetly and without fanfare. When you're the guest, you may offer to pay your share or to buy the wine but it is ungentlemanly to argue about who will pay the tab.

Maintain your social skills and be chivalrous with women...

Civility & Social Skills

Maintain eye contact
At a party, maintain eye contact with whomever you are speaking with. You may be the most well-mannered man, but if someone feels you're scanning the room for someone more important to talk to, your image will be shattered.

Make introductions
Show your good manners when introducing people by telling them more than each other's names. "Hal, I'd like you to meet Phil Brown, he's a pilot with Delta. Phil, this is Hal Black. He recently returned from the Gulf with the military." Many people have difficulty remembering names, and will appreciate your thoughtful manners if you say "George, you remember Alan, don't you?"

Engage people
Be gracious. Make conversation with those on the sidelines, particularly at business functions. Your good breeding and kindness will be remembered. Invite people to become involved, whether it's in a group discussion at a conference, a baseball game at the company picnic or a conga line at a wedding reception.

Follow the host's lead
At a business dinner or dinner party, don't sit until your host does, and don't begin eating until they have lifted their fork. Wait to drink your wine until your host proposes a toast or takes a sip. Do not smoke until everyone has finished, and then only smoke if it is clearly permitted and once you have asked permission of your tablemates.

Table Manners

Never speak with food in your mouth
No one wants to see what you're chewing or listen to you talk with a mouthful of food. If you're asked something and your mouth is full, signal your apologies and, if your dining partners are refined, they will patiently wait until you're able to reply. Unless there's a valid reason to wolf down your food and bolt from the table, eat slowly and converse with your tablemates.

Don't reach across someone
When dining with others, don't reach over; politely ask someone to pass the bread. When they do, take the tray or basket and offer the passer a piece of bread before taking one. If the bread is in front of you, pass it to the person beside you and, if they are knowledgeable about good etiquette, they will offer it to you before taking their own.

Put down your knife
Unless you're expecting an attack from a pack of marauding wild animals, put down your knife after cutting your food and before eating it. It demonstrates good table manners, slows down the process of eating and allows you more time to showcase your talents as a scintillating conversationalist.

Women & Chivalry

Open the door
In a business context, opening the door for women can be a contentious issue, so don't make it too obvious. If there are men and women in the group, hold the door for everyone. In a social context, a gentleman will always hold the door for a lady. In addition, go around to open the car door and wait there until she is seated.

Retrieve dropped items
When someone drops something, pick it up and hand it back, whether it's a glove, a file folder or a twenty-dollar bill. Make sure you bend at the knees, not from the waist.

Walk beside a lady on the stairs
Never walk behind a woman on the stairway, especially if she's wearing a miniskirt. Walk beside her or slightly ahead of her on the stairs. When exiting a subway station in a crush of people, a gentleman will avert his eyes from the thighs ahead of him. The same principle applies if you are walking on the streets; don't follow any woman you don't know too closely.

Walk on the outside of a sidewalk
This allows your lady to be farther from the traffic. This way, if someone is going to be splashed, it will be you, not her. I know, I know... but that's the price to pay if you want to be a gentleman.

uncommon courtesy

As author John Bridges says, being a gentleman requires "a little logic, a bit of forethought and a great deal of consideration for others."

Etiquette Of A Gentleman: Part II

By John Samuel

What do James Bond and Cary Grant have in common? They represent the quintessential gentleman. It's what makes them so charming and beloved. They are smooth and suave, and know how to behave in every situation. What do they have that I don't? you must be asking yourself. Nothing, it's just that they read the book on etiquette. Although one might think they're a staple of a bygone era, true gentlemen never go out of style.

basic good manners

Don't flaunt your riches
Nobody likes a braggart. Keep your assets vague if you have to discuss financial matters. You can wear expensive things without blowing your own trumpet.

Never let others see you looking at your watch
When you're amid company, ask for the time or look at your watch only if you're ready to leave right that instant. When others notice you glancing at the time, it can be interpreted as boredom. Be inconspicuous.

Never groom yourself in public
This includes picking your nose, chewing your nails and picking your teeth. These areas should only be ventured in private. Committing these acts overtly is a colossal mark of a lack of class.

Be punctual
Perhaps the greatest sign of respect, which is what a gentleman is all about, is being on time. Having people wait for you is the equivalent of telling them that you don't care about them.

Shake hands firmly
Your handshake should mirror your personality. You want the other person to think of you as someone resolved, concrete and positive. But it shouldn't be a test of your strength; don't hurt them. Your grip should be the same for women.

Apply constant verbal grace
Use "excuse me" or "I beg your pardon" for all occasions. An extension of politeness, you should always use these expressions, whether it's to get someone to move out of your way, to apologize for your upcoming journey to the men's room, or simply to signal your interlocutors that you're about to start a sentence.

Tip well and discreetly
Only tip when it's called for, as opposed to those occasions when it's simply awkward (i.e. hospital nurses or business messenger). When you do tip, don't be cheap. Respect the 15% gratuity for restaurant tabs and nothing less than $10 for a significantly useful maitre d'.

Project high moral values
Even if you know that deep down you're not, appear as if you were virtuous. A real gentleman always comes out of everything smelling like a rose.

Party etiquette and how to behave around the ladies...

party etiquette

The following tips apply for those occasions when you are venturing out into social events and get-togethers. God forbid you didn't know how to act like the gentleman you are.

Acknowledge your acquaintances
Don't play hide & seek with the people you know, even if you don't feel like talking to them. Bite the bullet, initiate the mandatory greetings, and get it over with.

Address new acquaintances by their title and last name
Doctor and military ranks are important to the people who have these titles. Mr. and Mrs. should be used for the others (if you're unsure about a woman's marital status, use Ms. when addressing her). Wait until they ask you to use their first name before doing so. There's nothing more irritating than someone who uses your first name two minutes after having met you.

Look at your interlocutor
Your attention should always be focused on the person you are talking with. Always look at them when listening as well as when you are in control of the conversation. Again, it's a question of respect.

At dinner, address those on your left and right

Unless it's a frat house keg fest, don't shout across the table -- concentrate on those closest to you. This will keep the proceedings calm and orderly.

Never remove coat or necktie when in company
By keeping your clothes on, you show that you consider the other guests important enough for you to remain fashionably tip-top.

Only talk when you've been formally introduced
Which is why the phrases "Have we met?" or "Have we been introduced?" are so handy. If you feel like speaking to somebody, find a person the two of you have in common and arrange a proper introduction.

Let your social superiors address you first
Unless you are on intimate terms, always let your social superior address you. This may seem archaic, but think of it in modern terms. You see Bill Gates at the party; do you go talk to him? Not unless you want his bodyguard to intervene. It can be clumsy, so arrange an introduction.

feeling gallant?

You know how to act around the ladies, don't you?

Never smoke in the presence of a lady unless invited to
In this age of political correctness it has almost become a given. While she may not ask you to, make sure you do request her permission.

Remove the cigar from your lips if a lady passes by
This one is pure common sense. It's a security measure as well as an indicator of high regard.

Offer your seat to women
Classics are always fashionable. Some feminists would certainly have a fit, but most women will definitely value the gesture.

Always carry a woman's packages
Let's face it; today's women would probably shoot you a puzzled fleeting look, so at least offer to do so. This lets her know you respect her and are courteous enough to inquire as to her comfort.

Finally, while excessive chivalry is what drove Don Quixote to madness, good manners are never uninvited in this era of fast business and faster relationships. Remember that behaving like a gentleman brings out the lady in every woman.

Etiquette Of A Gentleman

By Michael Bucci

One only needs to take a quick glance around to notice that there are very few true gentlemen remaining among us. In times past, a gentleman was much appreciated and being gentlemanly was a noble thing.

Alas, things have changed in today's society; some for the better and some for the worse. One thing that particularly irks me is the lack of good taste and etiquette most guys are guilty of at the turn of this new millennium.

I'm not saying that men should act like robots and be slaves to etiquette, but some basic good manners will go a long way in helping you during your ascent to the top.
What I've done is compile a quick list of tips that will help turn even the most blundering fool into a proper gentleman. Follow these simple tips and I can assure you that people will perceive you as a man of good breeding and taste, hence a man they wish to associate and conduct business with. Not to mention the fact that the ladies are always quite pleased to meet a real gentleman.

general etiquette

Always be polite
Even if you don't like someone, there is no need to lower yourself to their level. Be polite and courteous; show that you're the better man.

Do not curse
Swearing is a big no-no. It shows that you don't have the vocabulary to express your thoughts appropriately. Furthermore, it is always very crude and impolite to be vulgar.

Do not speak loudly
When you speak loudly, it raises the stress level among company. It always implies that you can't reason with people and rely on "brute force" to get your point across. It also draws attention -- negative attention.

Do not lose your temper
When you lose your temper, you are showing everyone that you can't control your emotions. If you can't even control yourself, then how can you possibly control anything else? Keep your cool at all times (it won't be easy but it is worth the effort) and people will take positive note of your levelheadedness.

Do not stare
Ogling someone is the equivalent of psychological aggression. You don't want to intimidate people for no reason.

Do not interrupt
Let people finish what they are saying before adding your comments. Interrupting others is a sign of poor etiquette and a lack of social skills. If you want to come across as egotistical, you can do so by constantly interrupting.

Do not spit
A lot of men do this almost subconsciously. Spitting is very crude and not too pretty to look at. Do not spit in public unless you want to look like you were raised in a sewer.

Respect your elders
In fact, you should respect others as you would like them to respect you. I am specifying elders because it seems that today, young men think they know it all. Well, they don't. Just think of yourself five years ago... you're much smarter and experienced today, aren't you? Of course, yet you thought you knew it all five years ago.

Now on to how to be a smooth gentleman with the ladies...

Do not laugh at others' mistakes
This is perhaps one of the cruelest things one can do. When you mess up, the last thing you want is for someone not only to bring it to your attention, but to ridicule you on top of that.

Remove your hat indoors
This rule seems to have gone out the window these days. You should remove your headwear upon entering a building. Furthermore, never keep your hat on while at the dinner table. It reflects very poor etiquette.

Wait for seating before eating
When sitting down for a meal, you should wait until all the guests are properly seated and ready to commence the meal before eating. Everyone should start dining at the same time; this is a subtle but very important rule.

the basics of chivalry

In addition to the aforementioned rules, gentlemen (in training) should follow these additional rules when in the presence of a lady. Chivalry may be on life support, but it is not dead yet. Be one of the few to keep this flame burning for many years to come.

Always open doors
This is perhaps the most basic rule of male etiquette out there. It is also one of the easiest to follow so you have no reason to forget it. Whether she is about to enter your car, restaurant, club, or anyplace with a door, you should always hold it open. If there are many doors, then hold them open one after the other.

Put on her coat
Always help a lady put on her coat or overgarment. This is a simple but powerful action.

Help with her seat
If an unaccompanied lady is sitting next to you, it is important that you help her be seated by pulling her chair out for her and gently pushing it back into place, with the lady seated of course.

Give up your seat
If a lady arrives at the table and there are no available seats, you should stand up and offer yours to her.

Stand at attention
Always stand when a lady enters or exits the room. This rule has been somewhat relaxed, so you can stand upon entrance but remain seated upon exit. Nonetheless, if you can do both, you should.

Give her your arm
When escorting a lady (that you know) to and from social events, you should offer her your arm. This is a little more intimate, but serves well when walking on uneven ground -- especially if she's wearing high heels.

Ask if she needs anything
This is one that most guys already do, but helps complete the gentleman in all of us nevertheless. When at social events, make sure to ask the lady if you can get her something to drink (or eat, depending on the event). Show her that you care about her comfort and needs.

Gentlemen, if I may call you that, these are the rules of etiquette you should observe in everyday life. Elevate yourself above the rabble and display the mannerisms of a true gentleman. The world will appreciate such a rarity and your career will most definitely benefit from your good manners and savoir-faire .

Will all the Real Men please stand up?

The article below is taken from guitar4christ.

Let's Be Men:
First, I want to talk to the men. Men, we have our work cut out for us, and we need to take it very seriously. What business do we have persuing a relationship with a girl when we still haven't figured out what it means to be a man? We owe it to the women in our lives, our future wives, and to God to figure this out. Elsabeth Elliot, a woman I deeply respect, wrote to her nephew Pete, "The world cries for men who are strong -- strong in conviction, strong to lead, to stand, to suffer. I pray that you will be that kind of man -- grad that God made you a man, grad to shoulder the burden of manliness in a time when to do so will often bring contempt."

"I want to be that kind of man. I have a long way to go. I fail more often than I succeed. I let my sin, my fear, and my laziness get the best of me. But I want to change. I know that God has made me a man for a reason. No matter what culture says, or even what some women say, I want to gladly "shoulder the burden of manliness."

It's not the easiest path. Earlier I told you a book that encouraged men to be passive in relationships. According to the author, the only alternative to passivity is being aggressive and overbearing. Sadly, these are the two courses many men take. But God wants us to reject both of them. Biblical masculinity is neither passive nor rudely aggressive. God calls us to be servant initiators--firm, but gentle; masculine, yet caring; leaders, yet servants. We're called to be protectors, not seducters.

Here are four practical ways you can do these things in your relationships with women:

1. Assume the responsibility of leading and initiating in your relationships with women.

Leading is a form of serving. When you provide direction, suggest ideas, and initiate conversation or activities, you're serving your sisters.
This does not mean that you treat women as if you were their husband and the one to lead them in important life decisions. Even during the season of courtship, this isn't your place. Until you're a woman's husband, she is under no obligation to submit to your leadership. If she has a Christian father, that protection and oversight should come from him. But while you shouldn't overstep your bounds, you can serve a woman (and win her trust for the future) by leading and initiating in small ways.

For example, you can serve your sisters by being the one to plan times together. This applies to a courtship as well as friendships with women. My single friends Jacob and Ryan frequently plan get-together at their apartment. They do the work of organizing activities and inviting other guys and girls to participate.

One woman told me what a burden it is when her male friends sit around waiting for women to plan everything. "I don't like it when a man sits there asking, 'So what do you want to do?'" she said, "I want them to make a decision!"

The same principle applies in your courtship (or friendships). Do you initiate conversations? Do you carefully plan your dates? Are you thinking ahead and directing the course of the courtship? It's your job to make sure that it's continuing to grow at a healthy rate. It's your responsibility to make sure you're both guarding your hearts.

As you can see, servant leadership requires work. It means sacrifice. It means going out on a limb and proposing ideas, setting direction, and inviting others to follow. It means listening, taking others' interests and needs into account, and adjusting as neccessary. It means deferring to others at times. Leadership isn't tyranny; it's service rendered. It's difficult, but it's a big part of what it means a man.

2. Be a spiritual leader in your relationships with women.

Men, we should set the spiritual pace in our relationships with women.
We should be the ones to make sure our relationships aren't merely, superficial and entertainment oriented, but deep, God focused, and characterized by biblical fellowship.

The first important step is to make your own personal growth in godliness a priority. Don't be content to be spiritually lukewarm-strive to set an example of passive for God.

My friend Joseph sets a terrific example in this area. When he's with a group of friends, at some point in the conversation he'll ask a question like "So what did you think of the sermon on Sunday?" or "Can I share something God is showing me?" or "What's the area God is helping you to grow in?"

Do you know what is Joseph doing? He's initiating biblical fellowship. He's asking questions that help him and his friends share the new life they have because of Jesus. He's leading them in talking about reality of God in their lives.

Joseph isn't a spiritual show-off. That should never be our motive. His goal is to serve his friends and enrich his own life. He knows how easy it is to let a whole night go by without having a serious a serious, God-focus conversation. He knows that in fellowships he and his friends are truly growing closer.

Men, in marriage we'll be called to be spiritual leaders of our homes. Before marriage, let's practice leading in biblical fellowship with friends and during courtship. Then we'll be that much more prepared to do so with our wives and children.

3. Do Little Things In Your Relationships With Women That Communicate

Your Care, Respect, and Desire to protect.
This doesn't have to be complicated. Simply be a gentleman to the women in your life. Your goal is to show through your actions that their status as a woman is a noble one.

Let them feel your concern and respect in as many ways as you possibly can. You can do this through small actions: open the door for them, pull out their chair, escort them to their car (or house) at the end of the night. If you need more guidance, ask a few Christian women for pointers. You'll be amazed how willing they'll help educate you!

In your courtship, remember that you're not doing these things merely to impress or to win a woman's heart. You are doing these things for God's glory. You do them to serve a sister in Christ and honor her as a woman.

(A brief aside to women: If you're just friends with a man, and he's trying to treat you like a lady, don't assume he has a romantic interest in you. One of the fastest ways to derail a man's attempts to practice servant leadership is to interpret his actions as romantic overtures. As my friend Jen put it, "Girls should assume that until a guy express interest, they're just friends")

4. Encourage Women to Embrace Godly Femininity.

Look for ways to encourage your sisters in godly femininity. When they make room for you to practice leadership, thank them. When they're humble and gentle, encourage them. Femininity is not weakness. It requires great strength of character for a women to be gentle in an age that screams for her to do otherwise.

When you see woman going against the grain of culture by culivating a skill that will serve her family someday, compliment her. When a girl is pursuing a demanding career, but it is still being feminine, let her know you notice. Let her know you respect her.

Men should be the biggest encouragers and prayer warriors for women who are seeking to glorify God by practicing godly femininity.

A Challenge to the Girls: Be Godly Ladies
I think I can understand how you feel. I'm sure that you can think of ways these biblical truths have been misused and misapplied by domineering and chauvinistic men. I'm sorry that has been the case. Please know that there are many men today who want to spend their lives proving that that's not what biblical masculininity is about.

Don't give up on us. We need your support. We need your prayers. We need you to fix your eyes on God-not on the men who have misrepresented His plan-and live your life in response to His commands for you as a woman.

Here are the four ways you can be sisters to the men in you life and practice mature femininity:

1. In Your Relationship with Godly Men, Encourage and Make Room for Them to Practice Servant Leadership.

If a man's biggest temptation is to be passive, a woman's biggest temptation is to take control. The man isn't setting a course, so the woman grabs the steering wheel. It might fix things in the short term, but in the long run it only discoutages men from playing their God-given role as initiators.

You can encourage men to be men by refusing to do the work of leading for them. What you want to avoid is developing a habit initiating your relationships with men. This doesn't mean you never do so, but that it's not the normal pattern in your life. Neither does this mean that when you're single, you're supposed to submit to every man you meet. God asks a woman to submit to her husband. But a single woman can, with men whose character warrants it, encourage servant leadership and respond to their initiative.

So if you're in a courtship, make room for him to lead. Step back and let him be one to take charge. How else will he learn to lead? How else can you practice for the time when you will follow a husband?

Sylvia, who is in her thirties, gave me one example of how women can let men lead. "We ladies can be too quick to fill the silence in a conversation." she said. "We're like, 'Oh no, he's not talking! I need to say something.' But I think it's important for us to let there be awkward moments of silence so the men can step up and lead the conversation."

2. Be a Sister to the Man in Your Life.

What are the categories you have for Christian men in your life-potential boyfriend, potential husband, no potential whatsoever? I encourage you to drop these categories. The first way you should view a Christian guy is as a brother.

Be a sister to the men in your life. Pray for them. Be yourself. Don't put up a front. Be a friend.

And remember, encourage men to lead and to initiate doesn't mean that girls never start a conversation or have ideas for activities. My coworker Dawn and her three roommates make a practice of inviting a group of guys over for dinner every two weeks. They use these temes to reach out to new people in their singles ministry and to develop friendships. Dawn and her roommates are being sisters to their brothers in the Lord.

3. Cultivate the Attitude that Motherhood is a Noble and Fulfilling Calling.

Today many people scorn motherhood and the skills associated with managing a home. In our culture children are viewed as a nuisance, and motherhood is considered a waste of a woman's talents. A college counselor once told me that majority of the female students she worked with secretly longed to get married and have kids, but they were too ashamed to admit it. What a tragedy!

Please don't believe our culture's lies about motherhood. If God has placed that desire in your heart, don't be embarrassed about it. The Bible encourages younger women to learn homemaking skills from older women. Learning to keep a home and love husband and children is part of God's plan for the complete training of younger women (Titus 2:3 "Similarly, teach the older women to live in a way that is appropriate for someone serving the Lord. They must not go around speaking evil of others and must not be heavy drinkers. Instead, they should teach others what is good.").

Don't hesitate to learn the practical skills that will one day allow you to serve a family. Search out godly mothers in your loval church from whom you can learn.

You can pocess biblical femininity without being married or having children. As a single woman, you can express your femininity by practicing hospitalty and by caring for and nurturing the people in your life. But you can also honor God's plan for womanhood by agreeing that motherhood is a high and noble calling.

4. Cultivate Godliness and Inward Beauty in Your Life

A girl once wrote to tell me how God had used Proverbs 7:5 (Let them hold you back from an affair with an immoral woman, from listening to the flattery of an adulterous woman.) to convict her of being like the wayward woman who led men astray. "I don't want to be a seductress like her," she wrote. "I don't want flirtatiousness or immodest clothing to keep guys from seeing me as a sister in Christ."

If you want godly men to respect and cherish you as a woman, refuse to buy in to our culture's obsession with being physically beautiful and sexually alluring. This is an attitude that springs from the motives of your heart and extends to the way you dress and act around men.

Is your wardrobe an expression of your love for God? Shannon often says to women, "There's a big difference between dressing attractively and dressing to attract." What's your motive? Have you ever asked your father or another Christian woman to honestly evaluate your clothing? Are you willing to sacrifice fashion to be obedient to God?

During out courtship, Shannon honored me by always acting and dressing modestly. A few times that meant getting rid of outfits that she didn't think would cause a problem (Ladies, you'll never know just how differently we're wired until you get married!". Once when I told her that a particular pair of shorts were a little too short and were causing me to struggle, she quickly replace them.

In Scripture, Peter tell Christian women that their beauty should be that of their inner selves -"the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight" (1 Peter 3:4).

Building the kind of marriage that God wants us to enjoy

The passages below are taken from Bill Hybels’ book "Honest to God?" published in 1990 by Strand Publishing.

Through a strange turn of events, Lynne and I recently found ourselves holding hands and skating around a 1950s-style roller rink in southern Wisconsin. Several times throughout the evening it struck me that I would rather be holding hands and skating with her than with any other woman in the world. Though I probably shouldn’t have been, I was amazed by the strength of my attraction for her. I first met Lynne twenty years ago. We were seventeen, and believe it or not, we were at a roller skating party. I saw her out of the corner of my eye, carefully checked her out, and was just about to ask her to skate when the announcer stopped the music and said the next skate was ladies’ choice. Much to my delight, the first girl to invite me to skate was Lynne. So began five years of courtship that led to the marriage I count as one of the greatest blessings of my life. Lynne and I enjoy an authentic love relationship that provides mutually satisfying companionship and intimacy. But you know from reading the previous chapter that our marriage wasn’t always that way. The flames that flickered twenty years ago nearly died many times, and they didn’t hit their present bonfire level without a lot of fanning of the coals. During those long years of working out our marriage, we learned a lot about the difference between an authentic and an inauthentic marriage. In an authentic marriage, you genuinely delight in one another’s uniquenesses. You also know how to give and receive love in such a way that you both feel loved. And you enjoy the fun, romantic side of your marriage so much that you don’t have any trouble keeping your affections centered at home. In an inauthentic marriage, you may talk about treasuring your spouse’s uniquenesses, but in reality you barely tolerate them. You may try to offer one another love in meaningful ways, but often you and your spouse end up feeling unloved and misunderstood. And fun and romance? It’s something you wistfully long for, but it’s never more than a dream. The grass always looks greener somewhere else. In this chapter I want to offer three suggestions for moving from an inauthentic marriage to an authentic one. First, learn to understand and appreciate inborn temperament differences. Second, learn the "language of love." And finally, take practical steps to nurture the fun side of marriage.

A RUDE AWAKENING
I dated Lynne off and on for five years, but it was not until after the wedding that I found out the awful truth. Lynne was strange. She was not normal like me. To begin with, she turned out to be a near-recluse. I would come home from an exciting, energizing day at work and suggest we invite friends over for the evening, and Lynne would say, "Sorry, I don’t feel like it. I’d rather have a quiet evening alone." I would say, "Who did you talk to today?’ and she would say "No one." I would say, "Why don’t you plan a getaway with your friends this weekend," and she would opt out because of a good book she was "dying to read." I did my best to transform her relational life. I did everything I could to encourage her to be more social---like me. But to no avail. She persisted in being a hermit. She even accused me of being a "relationship junkie." She saiid I had too many relationships and didn’t take any of them seriously enough. She stooped so low as to suggest that I treated our marriage too casually, like just another relationship in my list of many. Then there was the issue of her oversensitivity. One night we watched a television movie about a man who died in an airplane crash on his way to propose marriage to a beautiful, young paraplegic. You would have thought Lynne’s best friend had just died. She couldn’t sleep. She cried all night. When I tried to talk sense into her, and reminded her it was just a movie, she accused me of hard-heartedness. "Can’t you feel the pain of that tragic, broken romance?" I would tell her about a couple I met whose finances were in shambles, and she would ask me what I was going to do about it. I’d say, "Nothing. It’s their problem. They made the wrong choices. They created the debt. Now it’s their responsibility to scrimp and save their way out of it." She would say, "But they were young. They probably didn’t know any better. If you got yourself in a jam like that, wouldn’t you hope somebody would help you out?" She was always worrying about how people felt, always wanting to take responsibility for their problems. To me it seemed obvious that sometimes people have to learn lessons the hard way. Sometimes forcing them to do that is just what they need. She said I just didn’t care about people. That I was heartless and cruel. That I had no feelings. Then there was the planning issue. She always had to have everything planned. The word spontaneity was not in her vocabulary. Whenever I said, "Let’s do ‘such and such’," she had to take time to "get ready" or "make arrangements." And when I changed plans or came up with a spur-of-the-moment idea, she accused me of being unpredictable and disorganized! I don’t know why I had been so blind to all this while we were dating. It was suddenly so clear that this girl had problems. An ancient Greek legend tells of a Cyprian king named Pygmalion who found a unique way of solving potential marital differences. He became so frustrated with his inability to find the right woman to marry that he decided to sculpt one. Out of the most exquisite ivory he could find he fashioned the woman of his dreams. When he was done, he bowed and prayed. The ivory woman miraculously came to life. Pygmalion took her as his wife and they lived happily ever after. It’s easy to see why that legend endured. Wouldn’t you love to custom-design a wife, or a husband? Wouldn’t it be fun to take the chisel and chip away until you had the man or woman of your dreams? That’s exactly what many of us try to do to our spouses. For years I tried to chip away at what I thought were Lynne’s rough edges, those flaws that made her think, or behave, or respond differently from me. I truly believed that if I could just get her to be more like me, we could have a decent marriage. She thought the same about me. We each thought that we were the standard by which all others should be judged. But God intervened. He used a book called Please Understand Me: Character and Temperament Types by David Keirsey and Marilyn Bates to reveal our mutual deception.

DIFFERENT ISN’T BAD
In the 1920s Carl Jung took a new look at the old theory that just as people are born with differing physical traits---tall or short, brown-eyed or blue-eyed, right-handed or left-handed---so they are born with differing temperament traits. IIn the 1950s Isabel Myers and Katheryn Briggs expanded Jung’s work and devised the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator test, a tool for identifying personality types based on various combinations of inborn temperament traits. Please Understand Me is an in-depth look at Jung’s theory and the applications made by Myers and Briggs. Lynne and I read it one year on vacation, and to say it revolutionized our marriage is no exaggeration. It dispelled the notion that there is one standard of "normalcy" and whoever doesn’t fit it is wrong. The theory proposes that people approach four selected areas of life in ways that are fundamentally different---but equally right. These different ways of behaving are called preferences.

Extrovert/Introvert
The first area off difference looks at where people get their energy and how this impacts their relational patterns. Extroverts derive energy from social contact, so they prefer to be with people most of the time. People interaction charges them up. Long stretches of aloneness weigh on them. Solitary work makes them feel "antsy." They need the stimulation of relationships, and they enjoy initiating and maintaining many of them. That’s what keeps them fresh and vital. Introverts derive energy from solitude, so they prefer to spend a lot of time alone. Quiet hours give them strength. If they spend too much time with people they become emotionally drained. It’s not that they don’t like people; it’s just that they can’t take heavy doses of them. They have to carefully balance their people interaction with lengthy blocks of solitude. They prefer a few significant relationships rather than many casual acquaintances. If an introvert and an extrovert go on a private vacation together, after three or four days the introvert decides it would be great to live that way forever---in near-seclusion. At that point, the extrovert starts running from hotel room to hotel room, knocking
on doors. "Hi! HHi! How long are you staying? Where are you from? Do you want to have lunch?" Who’s right? They both are.

Intuitive/Sensing
The second area of possible difference deals with how people take in and handle information, and how they solve problems. Intuitive people focus on ideas and possibilities. They’re imaginative people who constantly dream of better ways to do something, and ideas tend to pop full-blown into their heads during moments of inspiration. They are big-picture types who don’t like to get mired down in intricate details and procedures. They see a problem, think about it awhile, then solve it according to gut-level perceptions. They just say, "Trust me, I know. I have a hunch about this. It’s going to work out." Sensing people say, "I’ll trust you when I see the facts! Give me the pertinent data first." They are as sensible and realistic as the intuitive are imaginative, and accomplish more through perspiration than inspiration. They take in information through their senses---what they can see, hear, smell, or touch. They’re very conscious of details, and more oriented to facts and figures than iddeas and possibilities. They like charts and graphs and balance sheets, and meticulously follow their systems and procedures. At our church board meetings I watch our board of directors wrestle with amazingly complex issues regarding the future of our church. They handle millions of dollars and make decisions that affect thousands of lives. The intuitors talk about the big picture, and come up with visionary plans for future growth and added ministries. The sensors reach for their calculators and start crunching numbers. They want to make sure the dreams are anchored in reality. It’s a good thing for our church that we have both kinds of leaders.

Thinkers/Feelers
The third area of differing preference has to do with how we make decisions. Thinkers make decisions on the basis of clear logic and practicality. They take a cool, calculated approach and look at obvious cause and effect. If it makes sense, they do it. Clear and simple. Black and white. Thinkers are concerned about productivity, efficiency, profitability, effectiveness, and achievement of goals. If a thinking manager has to make a tough personnel decision, he decides what’s right, then carries it out without trauma. He says, "Paul, you may hurt for a while, but you’ll get over it. This is right for the company, and eventually you’ll realize that it’s best for you as well." Feelers base their decisions on more people-oriented implications. They tune in to people’s emotions and sentiments and ask, "How will this decision make them feel?" Because of this sensitivity, they agonize over confrontations and lose sleep over decisions that impact other people. They have a heightened ability to empathize. They are concerned with things like peace, harmony, and understanding. When feelers see people in pain, they can actually feel the pain themselves. They have no trouble crying with those who cry. When thinkers see people in pain, they take a logical, unemotional approach. They determine the source of the problem or pain and suggest practical ways to alleviate it. Obviously the world needs both---people who can feel deeply and empathize, and people who can move ahead with practical solutions.

Structured/Unstrucctured
This last category deals with basic life orientation. Structured people prefer a predictable routine. They thrive on organization. They respond well to deadlines, rules, and policies. They like to make a plan and stick with it. They’re frustrated by interruptions, surprises, or change. The fewer uncertainties there are in their lives, the happier they are. I call them "just-settle-it" people. They like it when the decisions are made, the plans are set, and everything’s settled. Unstructured people prefer spontaneity. They disdain routines, rules, and deadlines, and avoid planning at all costs. They prefer to let the day unfold naturally, and see what adventure might be just around the corner. They’re unpredictable and oftentimes disorganized. I call them "play-it-by-ear" people, because they like life best when it’s unplanned and unsettled, when all the options are open. You can imagine the frustration that occurs when structured and unstructured people work or live together. They can drive each other crazy.

AH HA!
Lynne and I didn’t have to read far to see why we had problems. Our "fundamental differences" were glaring. We’re both intuitive, so we didn’t have to deal with "Intuitive/Sensing" conflicts. But in every other category we were extreme opposites. I’m an extrovert; Lynne’s an introvert. I’m off the charts as a thinker; she’s the ultimate feeler. I’m unstructured; she prefers structure. As we looked back over the years, we realized we had some heavy duty apologizing to do. For years I had tried to get Lynne to be more relational, not realizing that God made her to thrive in an environment rich in solitude. He gave her gifts, abilities, and talents that need to be nurtured in quiet aloneness. Because I didn’t understand that, I pushed her into a lifestyle that depleted her energy and left her empty. And then I wondered why she was frustrated, unhappy, and unproductive. During those same years Lynne questioned my love for her because of what she considered my extreme involvement with friends and colleagues. She assumed I found her boring or undesirable. Why else would I crave so many outside relationships? She made me feel guilty for my sociability, and then wondered why I felt stifled and trapped. Now we do everything possible to free one another to be who God made us to be. I free Lynne to live a quieter, more solitary life. She frees me to enjoy the level of relationality I naturally desire. What a difference that’s made! Lynne has blossomed as a woman, wife, mother, and servant of Christ as she’s pursued a quieter life. At the end of a day I love hearing about the work she’s accomplished, the book she’s read, or the insights she’s gained during her solitary hours. As I’ve pursued and nurtured a multitude of relationships, I’ve been stretched and challenged to become a better man. In the end that’s enhanced my relationship with Lynne. She brings to our relationship the strength of her solitude, and I bring the stimulation of my interactions. The same differences that used to hinder our relationship now enhance it. What we tried so hard to change, we now cherish. The same is true in the thinking/feeling area. For years Lynne accused me of being heartless and cruel because I so easily made tough decisions that made people uncomfortable or upset. I thought she was neurotic and mushy because she was so unrealistically concerned about how people felt and what they thought. Yet we each have a perspective that our world, church, family, and relationship desperately needs. My tough decision making has to be softened by Lynne’s sensitivity. Her empathy has to be balanced by my practicality. What about the structured/unstructured conflict? It’s the same old story. For years we locked horns. She was frustrated by my unpredictability, and I was impatient with her planning. But once we understood our fundamental difference, we could work around it. Now I make it a point to alert Lynne to changes or new ideas as soon as possible so she can have time to plan and prepare. And I’ve come to appreciate her organizational abilities. Our family life would be chaos if she didn’t keep me and the kids in order. At the same time, Lynne has learned to be more flexible and accept my spontaneity. And she’s learned that it’s okay to set aside the schedule now and then and "play it by ear." It can even be fun. Once again, our differences have become benefits. I provide the adventure; she provides the plan that makes the adventure work. Do you see how important it is to understand these fundamental temperament differences? It’s hard to love someone authentically when you don’t understand them. It’s hard to resolve conflicts when you can’t see the underlying issues. Lynne and I could have avoided years of frustration if we had realized that we weren’t better or worse than one another---just different. When you accept and quit passing moral judgment on those differences, you open the door for workable comproomise. You end up delighting in the very differences that once caused division. What about you? Do you and your spouse need to patiently understand each other’s ways of behaving that stem from different inborn temperament traits? Then do it! Or better yet, find a counsellor who can give you the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator test, and help you work through the results. It’s an investment that could revolutionize the most important relationship in your life.

YOU GOTTA SAY IT RIGHT
The second key to establishing authenticity in marriage is learning the appropriate language of love. Several years ago I met a man at a social function at our church. During our conversation, he repeatedly referred to how much he loved and appreciated his wife. He told me how much he delighted in her presence and how easy it was to tell her he loved her. I reflected later that it was refreshing to meet a man so enthused about his marriage. A short time later, this man’s wife came to me for counselling. Her problem was her relationship with her husband. She was convinced he didn’t love her. I couldn’t believe it! After several sessions with the husband and wife together, guess what I learned? The husband really was in love with his wife; he had not lied to me. But I also learned that the wife really did not feel loved. For some reason, her husband’s expressions of love were not doing the job. I didn’t understand why they had this problem. If he loved her, why couldn’t she feel it? I’ve learned since then that the husband was simply not speaking the right language. He was expressing love, but not in terms his wife could understand. Just as we have inborn preferences regarding relational patterns, problem solving, decision making, and structure, so we have preferences in regard to giving and receiving love. Most of us aren’t aware of this, but it’s true. We each prefer certain "languages" of love.

Here are some of the common ones.

Touch. Some people just naturally touch the people they love. If they want to tell someone they love them, they kiss their cheek, or hold their hand, or gather them up in a bear hug. That’s what comes naturally to them. Verbal expression. When these people feel love welling up within them, their only comfortable outlet is their mouth. "I love you. I love you." While some people find it hard to express their love in words, these people can’t stop.

Service. These people communicate love by serving the beloved. For them, love isn’t love unless it’s demonstrated in practical terms---wallpapering the kitchen, washing the car, preparing favorite meals.

Providers. These people consider their breadwinning to be the greatest expression of their love. Providers go to great lengths to ensure that even after they’re gone, their loved ones will be well- provided for.

Gift-givers. These people keep the department stores solvent. They love to buy little gifts (or big ones), wrap them
beautifully, and present them with childish glee to the ones they love.

Opportunity enthusiasts. These people like to think of ways to challenge and inspire their loved ones to greatness. Their goal is to open up opportunities that will offer stimulation and fulfillment.

Time-given. These people are primarily concerned with fellowship. They’re willing to rearrange their schedules so they can offer large blocks of time to the significant people in their lives.

As you go down this list, can you pick out your preferred language of love? Can you pick out your spouse’s? Do you both speak the same language?

A CLEAN MISS
For years Lynne and I spoke different languages of love and didn’t even know it. Lynne decided early in our marriage that to communicate love to me, she needed to speak the language of the Galloping Gourmet. She knocked herself out every evening to prepare lovely meals that she thought would make me feel loved. They didn’t. I’m not a connoisseur of fine foods, and a gourmet meal says the same thing to me as a tuna sandwich. I finally told her that. I said, "Don’t spend all this time on fancy meals. It doesn’t matter to me. Just sit down and talk to me. Tell me I’m great. Call me a super-husband. Encourage me. Cheer me on. That’ll make me feel loved." Being an introvert, Lynne is not naturally free with words. But when she learned I needed to hear love, she disciplined herself to become more verbally expressive. To put it bluntly, she learned to tell me what I needed to hear. Sometimes she even writes little notes and sticks them on my minor, so I can start the day with her words of affirmation. Another way I enjoy receiving love is through having people open doors of opportunity for me. Because I appreciate this, I assumed Lynne would, too. For years I did everything in my power to offer opportunities that would stimulate and inspire her. I urged her to take flying lessons, or skydiving lessons, or go helicopter skiing in the Rocky Mountains. What an encourager I was. Finally she said, "Bill, why are you always pushing me? I feel like you’re never satisfied with what I’m doing. You’re always trying to head me off in new directions. I wish that once in a while you would just put your arms around me, hold me, and let me feel loved and accepted just the way I am." I was shocked. I thought I was doing her a favor, and in reality I was making her feel pressured and inadequate. What she really needed was a loving embrace, but that honestly never crossed my mind. Do you see how important it is for spouses to understand and communicate their preferences for receiving love? Most of us mistakenly assume our spouses want to receive love the same way we do. So whatever language comes most naturally to us, we use with them. That usually doesn’t work. We must tell one another which love language communicates most clearly to us. It’s not hard to learn new ways of communicating love. And it can transform a marriage where spouses hope they’re loved into a marriage where they know they are. Here’s a personal challenge. Look over the seven languages of love I described, and decide which you prefer to give and receive. Have your spouse do the same. Then go out for dinner and discuss your findings. If this helps you as much as it did Lynne and me, you’ll be on the road to a mote loving marriage---immediately.

LET’S HAVE FUN!
One afternoon, shortly after we were married, Lynne and I heard a noisy commotion inn our front yard. We ran out and found a big, custom-painted Harley Davidson motorcycle with two riders in black leather jackets and big black helmets with tinted visors that covered their faces. They had driven right up on our sidewalk, and the driver was revving the engine as high as possible. Finally, the rider on the back slid off, removed her helmet---and it was Lynne’s mother! Here was my demure mother-in-law, and my hardworking father-in-law sitting on a motorcycle in the middle of my sidewalk! They had ridden over from Michigan to surprise us. I was shocked. I was speechless. Finally Lynne said, "Relax, Bill. It’s no big deal. They do things like this all the time." For years I had been impressed with Lynne’s parents’ marriage. It was so obvious that after decades of marriage they were still madly in love with one another. Finally I learned the secret of their success: "They do things like this all the time." That was it. They had learned to have fun together, to break out of the routine, to be friends and lovers again. When you do that on a regular basis, it’s almost impossible for a marriage to go bad. One of the major reasons for marital breakdown is plain old- fashioned boredom. A couple establishes, a routine---they do their work, handle family business, fulfill social obligations, watch TV---and before they know what’s happening thheir relationship goes stale. Maybe they don’t scream and yell and fight. But neither do they enjoy the "ecstasies of marital bliss." They talk now and then, but they’re certainly not soul mates. They go through the motions of sex, but even that’s more routine than it is romantic.

How can we avoid that pattern? Here are four ideas:

1. Lynne and I decided to begin by becoming religiously devoted to our weekly date. Every Thursday morning we go out for a long breakfast and "catch up" on one another’s lives. We relate anecdotes about our week and discuss decisions or family plans we have to make. Sometimes we talk about books we’ve both read. Occasionally we spend the morning in the tunnel of chaos, working through conflicts that have risen since our last meeting. That’s not fun, but it keeps molehills from growing into mountains, and frees us to enjoy one another again. If you were to ask either of us to name our favorite time of the week, we’d say Thursday morning. We need that time to pull ourselves out of our busy schedules, drop the responsibilities of work and family life, and just be Bill and Lynne, out on a date like we were twenty years ago. Why a breakfast date instead of a candlelight dinner? We’re both morning people and want to give each other the best time of our day. If you’re night people, go for dinner. If you’re one of each, split the difference and go for high tea. What’s important is that you find a workable time and stick with it.

2. We’ve made it a point to develop common fun interests. Though most people wouldn’t consider "running" a fun activity, we’ve found that it is when we do it together. Often when the weather’s nice we run together when I get home from work. We also enjoy nature and found a beautiful, secluded area not far from home where we can take long, quiet walks. When we’re in a more rambunctious mood, we ride trail bikes at a friend’s farm. In the summer we swim, windsurf, and pursue our favorite leisure activity---sailing. Why is it so important to do things like this? Because when we’re having fun with one another we see each other inn a new light. We recapture the feeling of youthfulness and vitality we had when we first met. We joke and laugh and break down inhibitions. We create an aura of warmth and love and closeness.

3. We make frequent use of overnight getaways and vacations. Everything that is accomplished on a weekly date is multiplied during extended times away. For years Lynne and I were careless and sporadic about this. We were so busy with ministry and kids that it seemed impossible to get away. But when we started seeing Christian leaders all around us shipwrecking their marriages, we decided we had to do something to keep that from happening. So we committed ourselves to taking periodic breaks for relaxation, refreshment, and fun. Every time we return from a trip, whether we’ve been gone for two days or two weeks, we’re amazed anew at the progress we’ve made in our relationship and the closeness we feel.

4. We’ve made a mutual commitment to make our sexual relationship everything it was meant to be. When we got married, we committed ourselves to sexual fidelity. We said, "All our sexual hopes and expectations we give to one another. We will never seek to satisfy them elsewhere." That means that if Lynne is ever going to be swept off her feet by a knight in shining armor, I’m going to have to do the sweeping. And if I’m ever going to have my sexual dreams come true, Lynne’s going to have to make them happen. We believe we owe it to one another to do everything we can to fulfill one another’s sexual needs. In theory, of course, that sounds easy. In reality, it’s a tall order. At least it was for us. The chronic over scheduling in the early years of our marriage, and the unresolved tensions that existed because we weren’t willing to face our tunnel of chaos, created hostility that made meaningful lovemaking impossible. So our commitment to sexual satisfaction meant we had to go back to the beginning and work through the issues that had created the hostility. Only then were we free to experience and express genuine feelings of love. We also had to learn that mutually satisfying sex doesn’t begin in the bedroom. It begins in the restaurant where we meet for breakfast, in the kitchen where we stop for a brief conversation before the kids come in for dinner, in the backyard where we sit in lawn chairs and talk over the day. When men complain to me that their wives aren’t interested in their sexual relationship, I often ask what kind of communication patterns exist in their marriage. Do they enjoy meaningful conversations with their wives on a regular basis? There’s an undeniable tie between conversational intimacy and physical intimacy. Another key to sexual fulfillment relates to the previous point in this chapter: learning the language of love. Someone who genuinely feels loved is much more enthusiastic about lovemaking than someone who doesn’t. For many people, sexuality is deeply tied to emotional and psychological realities. Achieving mutually satisfying sex is no simple matter. But it’s worth all the time, effort, and creativity it demands. At one time sex was the greatest frustration in our marriage. Now it provides the greatest fun.

What is an authentic marriage? It’s a marriage where differences are seen as blessings. Where spouses really feel loved. And where routine gives way to conversation, fun, and romance. For some people it seems like a far-off dream. But it’s not an impossible goal. Why not renew your commitment to building the kind of marriage God wants you to enjoy. (67-80)

NOTES

1. Keirsey and Bates call this last category "Judging vs. Perceiving." In choosing to call it "Structured vs. Unstructured," I have undoubtedly over-simplified a very complex distinction. These terms, however, seemed to help my congregation grasp the essence of the authors’ meaning