@ G - Spot

Real Love By Greg Baer, M.D.

2010-06-12T17:02:00.002+08:00

(fr http://www.enotalone.com/article/6423.html)

The Truth About Finding Unconditional Love
Excerpted from Real Love: The Truth About Finding Unconditional Love and Fulfilling Relationships
By Greg Baer, M.D.

With Real Love, nothing else matters; without it, nothing else is enough.

Why do most people spend their whole lives searching for loving and happy relationships but rarely find them? What is the "secret something" that all relationships need in order to thrive? Dr. Greg Baer found the answers to these questions while working with hundreds of individuals and couples. In Real Love, he shares his enlightening and practical blueprint for creating successful relationships and reveals the secret to finding and keeping what he calls "Real Love."

Like most of us, I was told as a child that if I did all the right things - set my goals high, worked hard, and followed the rules along the way - I would accomplish great things. And it was further implied that, as a result, I would grow up to be happy. All our lives, we've heard people declare that they'd be happy if only they had more money, or a better job, or more sex, or a bigger house, or more opportunity to travel, or something else. I was determined to ensure my future happiness by having an abundance of all those things and more, and from an early age I worked hard to earn them.

I was valedictorian of my high school class, finished college in two and a half years, and received the highest honors in medical school. After completing my internship and specialty training in eye surgery, I eventually established one of the most successful ophthalmology practices in the country. I performed thousands of operations and taught other physicians locally and across the country. I was a leader in my church and in the local Boy Scouts organization. I had everything money could buy, and I was a husband and the father of five beautiful children.

By the time I reached my late thirties, I'd accomplished almost every goal I'd ever set for myself, but despite all my successes, I slowly came to the terrible realization that I had not achieved the happiness I'd been promised. When I was standing in front of a group of physicians, teaching the latest surgical techniques, and everyone was admiring me for my knowledge, I felt relatively satisfied with my life for the moment. And some of those expensive vacations were exciting while I was actually in those far-off, exotic places. But when I was all alone, with nothing to distract me, I knew something was missing - I just didn't know what it was. I couldn't have worked any harder. I'd done everything I'd been assured would bring me the happiness I wanted, but still something was wanting.

I found it difficult to sleep at night and began to take some of the sleeping pills we kept at the office for postsurgical patients. When those were no longer effective, I took other tranquilizers, and before long I was injecting narcotics every night. I rationalized my drug addiction for a long time, but it increasingly affected my behavior and my emotional health. Then, one evening, as I sat in the woods behind my house with a loaded Smith & Wesson 10mm semi-automatic pressed to my head, I finally realized that I couldn't rationalize my behavior any longer. I knew I needed to do something about my life.

I went to an in-patient drug treatment facility, and after my discharge I participated in several twelve-step programs for a while. Getting off the drugs saved my life, but it only put me back where I'd been when I started using them. I was still desperately missing something, but this time I was determined to find out what it was. I tried individual and group therapy, support groups, men's groups, New Age techniques, and Native American spiritual groups, among others. Each had wisdom to offer, but the old emptiness I felt was not being filled.

In my searching, I found many others whose feelings were similar to mine. Most of them hadn't been addicted to drugs, but they all were missing the profound happiness they'd always hoped for in their lives. We began to meet together in our homes, where we tried a variety of techniques I'd experienced or read about. Gradually, we eliminated the things that didn't work, and we discovered some principles that were astonishingly simple and effective. People who had been unhappy for a long time, in many cases despite years of therapy, were finding the first genuine happiness they'd ever known.

As we began to figure out what worked, I started writing down what we'd learned, handing out a few pages at a time to the men and women who participated in those early "experiments." Eventually, my observations became two self-published books that have now been read by thousands. I've shared these principles with people all over the country, and as they've applied them, their lives have changed in remarkable ways.

When I was trying to fill my emptiness, and later, as I was learning to change my life, I made many mistakes as a person, a husband, and a father. Among other things, those mistakes caused the end of my twenty-two-year marriage. Learning - as I discovered - can be very expensive. Now I'm deeply gratified to see the results of what I've learned, and to share it all with you. My second wife and I are the parents of seven children between us, and we're happier than we'd ever imagined it was possible to be.

Certainly there is a demonstrated need for people to learn something different. Half the marriages in this country end in divorce. One out of three children is now raised in a single-parent home. Ten to twenty percent of us are addicted to alcohol or drugs. One third of all girls and forty-five percent of all boys have had sex by age fifteen (compared with five percent for girls in 1970 and twenty percent for boys in 1972). Twenty-one percent of ninth graders have had four or more sexual partners. Nine percent of adult males will spend some time of their life in prison. I believe those statistics provide overwhelming evidence that we're unhappy and looking for something that's missing in our lives. Thousands of people have found that "missing something" as they've implemented the principles in this book. And I have great confidence that you, too, will enjoy the same experience.

The Missing Ingredient: What Relationships Really Need
Excerpted from Real Love: The Truth About Finding Unconditional Love and Fulfilling Relationships
By Greg Baer, M.D.

Relationships fail all around us every day - between spouses, lovers, siblings, friends, and co-workers, among others. But despite an abundance of self-assured finger-pointing, the people involved rarely have any idea what actually went wrong. As a result, many people seem to be caught in an endless cycle of disappointment and unhappiness, blindly repeating the same mistakes.

Lisa came to see me because she was having problems with her fiancé, Doug. It was obvious that she was angry at him. "We met almost a year ago," she said, "and we fell in love right away. I knew he was the one for me. We never spent a minute apart that first month. But now he seems to look for reasons to be away from me, and we seem to fight all the time. I don't treat him any differently, but he sure doesn't treat me the way he used to. I don't understand it."

Lisa had been married once before, to Christopher, and the story was similar. They had fallen in love immediately, and within six months they were married and certain they would be ecstatically happy for the rest of their lives. But in the first year of their marriage, there were already signs that the magic of their relationship was escaping them. They began to find fault with each other over little things. Roses and kisses gradually gave way to expectations and disappointments, each of which left a wound and then a scar. Slowly, the excitement of being in love became a distant memory. Unable to find the happiness they sought, they divorced after eight years of marriage.

Lisa had tried very hard to make her relationship with Christopher work. She'd tried sacrifice, pleading, complaining, compromise, self-help books, professional counseling, and visits to her minister, but nothing she did seemed to help. And because she didn't see why her relationship had failed, she was doomed to repeat her mistakes with Doug and to continue being unhappy. We can all benefit from understanding Lisa's experience, because it's typical of the pattern seen in virtually every unhappy relationship - not only between spouses, but also between friends, family members, people in the workplace, and so on. We've all had the experience of starting a relationship that seemed promising, only to have something go wrong that we didn't understand, and when that happened, we were left feeling disappointed or worse. We must understand what happens in these situations, or we'll repeat the process again and again.

When we're unhappy, it seems natural for us to blame a partner - a spouse, a friend, a child, even a relative stranger - for our feelings, mainly because that's what everyone else does. All our lives we've heard variations of statements like "You make me so mad," or "He makes me so angry," until we've come to believe that other people have the power to determine how we feel. Because other people have often pointed out how their anger was caused by our mistakes, we have learned to justify our anger by pointing out the mistakes of others. And because people are always making mistakes, it's easy to find justification for our blaming and anger.

Sadly, it's a common pattern: If we become unhappy in our relationships, we turn our partners into scapegoats for everything we don't like, and we blame them for all the unhappiness in our lives, including the unhappiness we carried with us for the many years before we even met them. But we are mistaken to blame our partners for our negative feelings. It's just the excuse we use because we feel bad, we don't know why, and we need someone other than ourselves to blame. Until we understand that, we cannot learn to have truly loving and lasting relationships.

The Missing Ingredient

Imagine that after a violent storm, you and I are shipwrecked on a barren island in the middle of the ocean. After a week with nothing to eat, I begin to complain that you're not doing enough to provide food for me, and the hungrier I become, the more I complain. Not an hour goes by that I don't remind you that I'm starving and you are to blame.

You must think I'm insane. Obviously you didn't cause my hunger. I'm starving because a storm wrecked our ship and left us stranded on an island without food - and you had nothing to do with any of that. My blaming you is not only wrong, it's ineffective, because it does nothing to help solve our predicament. Two starving people with no source of food cannot possibly give each other what they need, and no amount of anger or blame can change that.

And so it is with relationships. When we're unhappy, our misery is not the fault of our partner. Blaming that person is therefore foolish, wasteful, and destructive, because no matter how much we demand or insist, he or she cannot make us happy. We're unhappy because we're starving for the one ingredient that's most essential to genuine happiness, and it was missing long before we met our partner.

That ingredient - the one thing that creates happiness and fulfilling relationships - is Real Love, unconditional love. It's that simple. When we learn what Real Love is, and when we find it, our unhappiness disappears just as surely as hunger vanishes in the presence of food. Loving relationships then become natural and effortless. But most of us have not experienced Real Love. As a result, we're emotionally and spiritually starving and are unable to make each other happy, no matter how hard we try.

Real Love and Genuine Happiness
Excerpted from Real Love: The Truth About Finding Unconditional Love and Fulfilling Relationships
By Greg Baer, M.D.

It's Real Love when other people care about our happiness without any concern for themselves. They're not disappointed or angry when we make our foolish mistakes, when we don't do what they want, or even when we inconvenience them personally.

Sadly, few of us have either given or received that kind of love, and without it we experience a terrible void in our lives, which we try to fill with money, power, food, approval, sex, and entertainment. But no matter how much of those substitutes we acquire, we remain empty, alone, afraid, and angry, because the one thing we really need is Real Love. Without it, we can only be miserable; with it, our happiness is guaranteed.

When I use the word happiness, I do not mean the fleeting pleasure we get from money, sex, and conditional approval. Nor do I mean the brief feeling of relief we experience during the temporary absence of conflict or disaster. Real happiness is not the feeling we get from being entertained or making people do what we want. Genuine happiness is a profound and lasting sense of peace and fulfillment that deeply satisfies and enlarges the soul. It doesn't go away when circumstances get difficult. It survives and even grows through hardship and struggle. True happiness is our entire reason to live, and that kind of happiness can only be obtained as we find Real Love and share it with others. With Real Love, nothing else matters; without it, nothing else is enough.

The greatest fear of all for a human being is to be unloved and alone. As a physician, I saw that confirmed many times by people who knew they were dying. Those people were consistently more afraid that no one cared about them and that they would die alone than they were of death itself. We all have a deep yearning to feel connected to each other, and when that connection is missing, we are terrified.

When someone is genuinely concerned about our happiness, we do feel that connection to another person. We feel included in his or her life, and in that instant we are no longer alone. Each moment of unconditional acceptance creates a living thread to the person who accepts us, and these threads weave a powerful bond that fills us with a genuine and lasting happiness. Nothing but Real Love can do that. In addition, when we know that even one person loves us unconditionally, we feel a connection to everyone else. We feel included in the family of all mankind, of which that one person is a part.

Because so few of us have ever experienced unconditional love in our lives, and because the effect is so powerful, I want to give you a small taste of it. I encourage you to slow down right now and really take your time as you read the next four paragraphs. If possible, read them in a room by yourself and take the time to contemplate them deeply as you open your mind to the possibilities they suggest.

Picture yourself relaxing in the back of a chauffeur-driven car. You're on the way to a town two hours away. It's a small town you've never visited. In fact, no one knows about this place but you and the people who live there. Although it's a beautiful place situated in a lovely valley, you're not going there to see the sights. You're going because everyone there is genuinely happy. They're happy because they all feel loved. In this place there is no fear or anger. And you're going because they've invited you.

As you pull up to the house where you'll stay, dozens of people surround your car, touch you gently, help you into the house, ask about your trip, and look at you in a way you've never seen or felt before. You sense with absolute certainty that the only concern of everyone in that town is your happiness. Because they have everything that really matters in life - because they feel loved and happy themselves - they don't need you to do anything for them, and you know that. So you know there is nothing you can do to disappoint them or hurt them.

As you communicate with these new friends, you can see that it doesn't matter to them whether you're smart or pretty or handsome. You don't have to do anything to impress them or get them to like you. They truly don't care if you say something stupid or if you make mistakes. It finally and powerfully occurs to you that it's impossible to be embarrassed or ashamed around these people - because they love you no matter what you do.

That is the feeling of being unconditionally loved - and many of us simply can't imagine it, even as a mental exercise. We've been judged, criticized, and conditionally supported for so long that the idea of being unconditionally accepted is inconceivable. But I have seen what happens when people consistently take the steps that lead to finding Real Love, which I'll be discussing in the following chapters. For now I simply want to assure you that you, too, can find this kind of happiness and that it will utterly transform your life. I ask you to temporarily put your doubts on the shelf and allow for the possibility that Real Love exists, and that you can find it. I make that suggestion because in an atmosphere of skepticism and fear, you cannot experience Real Love, even when it's offered.

Feeling loved and becoming unconditionally loving doesn't happen all at once. You won't lose your fear, pain, disappointment, and anger overnight. Experiencing Real Love takes time and patience, and you'll stumble and fall along the way, as I do every day. But the journey is well worth every effort. This is not a fantasy. Thousands of people have successfully used this simple process to find Real Love, genuine happiness, and fulfilling relationships.

At this point, you may be thinking, But we can't just unconditionally love people when they're wrong. Somebody has to speak up when mistakes are made. And it's true that we sometimes do have the responsibility to teach and correct people - children and employees, for example. But that never has to be done with disappointment and anger, the two signs that always reveal that our true motivation is to get something for ourselves - and that is not Real Love.

You might also be worried that loving unconditionally would turn you into a doormat, to be used by everyone around you. But loving people unconditionally does not mean you have the responsibility to give them everything they want. That would just be indulgent and irresponsible. When we love people unconditionally, we accept them as they are and contribute to their happiness as wisely as we can. That does not imply that we respond to their every demand.

The Destructive Legacy of Conditional Love
Excerpted from Real Love: The Truth About Finding Unconditional Love and Fulfilling Relationships
By Greg Baer, M.D.

Real Love is "I care how you feel." Conditional love is "I like how you make me feel." Conditional love is what people give to us when we do what they want, and it's the only kind of love that most of us have ever known. People have liked us more when we made them feel good, or at least when we did nothing to inconvenience them. In other words, we have to buy conditional love from the people around us.

It's critical that we be able to distinguish between Real Love and conditional love. When we can't do that, we tend to settle for giving and receiving conditional love, which leaves us empty, unhappy, and frustrated. Fortunately, there are two reliable signs that love is not genuine: disappointment and anger. Every time we frown, sigh with disappointment, speak harshly, or in any way express our anger at other people, we're communicating that we're not getting what we want. At least in that moment, we are not caring for our partner's happiness, but only for our own. Our partner then senses our selfishness and feels disconnected from us and alone, no matter what we say or do.

Most of us have received little, if any, Real Love. We prove that every day with the evidence of our unhappiness - our fear, anger, blaming, withdrawal, manipulation, controlling, and so on. People who know they're unconditionally loved don't feel and do those things. But most of us have been taught since childhood to do without Real Love and to settle instead for giving and receiving conditional love. Let me use myself as an example. As a child, I was thrilled when my mother smiled at me, spoke softly, and held me, because I knew from those behaviors that she loved me. I also noticed that she did those pleasant things more often when I was "good" - when I was quiet, grateful, and cooperative. In other words, I saw that she loved me more when I did what she liked, something almost all parents understandably do.

When I was "bad" - noisy, disobedient, and otherwise inconvenient - she did not speak softly or smile at me. On those occasions, she frowned, sighed with disappointment, and often spoke in a harsh tone of voice. Although it was certainly unintentional, she clearly told me with those behaviors that she loved me less, and that was the worst pain in the world for me.

Giving or withholding acceptance based on another person's behavior is the essence of conditional love, and nearly all of us were loved that way as children. When we made the football team, got good grades, and washed the dishes without being asked, our parents naturally looked happy and said things like "Way to go!" or "I'm so proud of you." But when we failed a class at school, or tracked mud across the carpet, or fought with our siblings, or wrecked the car, did our parents smile at us then? Did they pat us on the shoulder and speak kindly as they corrected us? No, with rare exceptions they did not. Without thinking, they frowned, rolled their eyes, and sighed with exasperation. They used a tone of voice that was not the one we heard when we did what they wanted and made them look good. Some of us were even yelled at or physically abused when we were "bad."

Other people in our childhood also gave us conditional approval. Schoolteachers smiled and encouraged us when we were bright and cooperative, but they behaved quite differently when we were slow and difficult. Even our own friends liked us more when we did what they liked. In fact, that's what made them our friends. And that pattern of conditional approval has continued throughout our lives. People continue to give us their approval more often when we do what they want. And so we do what it takes to earn it.

Although it is given unintentionally, conditional acceptance has an unspeakably disastrous effect, because it fails to form the bonds of human connection created by Real Love. As a result, no matter how much conditional love we receive, we still feel empty, alone, and miserable. And although we like to believe otherwise, because we have received conditional love from others all our lives, that's what we tend to give to those around us. We naturally pass on what we were given.

We like to believe we're unconditionally loving, but in most cases we're not. We prove that each time we're disappointed or irritated with another person. We like to think we unconditionally love our spouse or children, but then we become annoyed when they don't do what we want, or when they're not grateful for the things we do for them. As we've discussed, the origin of our irritation is not what they've done (or not done), but the lack of Real Love in our own lives. Fortunately, you can now learn how to make decisions that will bring more Real Love and genuine happiness into your life.

If you're unhappy, don't look to your partner for the cause. You're unhappy because you don't feel unconditionally loved yourself and because you're not sufficiently unconditionally loving toward others. Both conditions have existed for a long time, usually from early childhood. Because your parents are responsible for the love you received as a child, and because any child who does not receive sufficient Real Love is necessarily filled with emptiness and fear, your parents are certainly responsible, to a large extent, for the way you feel and function as an adult. But you need to understand that as an adult you have become increasingly responsible for your own happiness. And so, exactly how much can you hold your parents accountable for your present condition? That would be impossible to quantify. But no matter what the exact extent of your parents' responsibility, it is definitely not productive to blame them for your present unhappiness - while it is useful to understand their role in your life. Understanding is a simple, realistic assessment of how things are, but blame implies anger, which can only be harmful to both yourself and others.

I've never met a parent who got up in the morning and thought, Today I could unconditionally love and teach my children and fill their lives with joy. But, no, I think I'll be selfish, critical, and demanding instead. You need to understand that your parents loved you as well as they knew how and that they certainly didn't set out to cause you emotional pain. The fact is that if they themselves didn't have enough experience with Real Love, they couldn't possibly have given you the Real Love you required. Moreover, you are now responsible for the decisions that will make you loving and happy, and if you continue to be resentful and angry, you will not make wise decisions in the present.

When I talk to people about their unhappy lives and relationships, I don't dwell on the past. I don't make them victims of their past experiences. However, I find that it is occasionally useful to make them aware of what effect their past has had on their present unhappiness. Cheryl was very unhappy, and she blamed it all on her husband. I explained to her that her husband was not the cause of her unhappiness. "Your life was incomplete long before you met your husband," I told her. "You came to your marriage already missing something, and you hoped your husband would supply what was missing and make you happy. When he didn't do that, you blamed him for not fixing everything in your life. You were missing the one thing in life that we all must have in order to be happy and to have loving relationships."

"And what's that?" asked Cheryl.

"Real Love - unconditional love. When people don't get enough unconditional love as children, they feel terribly empty and afraid. People who feel empty and afraid can't be happy, and they can't have loving relationships, because they're too busy filling their own needs and protecting themselves. You hoped your husband would love you unconditionally, but he couldn't because he'd never been unconditionally loved himself. He, in turn, hoped you would unconditionally love him, but you couldn't, either, because you hadn't been unconditionally loved in your childhood. Neither of you had the love that's required to make a successful relationship. So you tried to make each other happy with other things: praise, sex, money, control, things like that. But those things never last for long."

"But I did feel loved. My parents did love me," Cheryl insisted.

I've heard many people say that, and they're always sincere. Who, after all, wants to believe his own parents didn't love him? "How often," I asked her, "did your father hold you and tell you he loved you? How many times each day was he obviously delighted when you entered the room? How often did your mother sit with you and ask what was happening in your life - just to listen, not to give advice?"

Cheryl was speechless. Although she'd been raised by parents who were as good as any she knew, she couldn't think of a single time when any of those things had happened. I continued. "What happened when you made mistakes and disappointed your parents? Did you feel just as loved then as when you were 'good'?"

As Cheryl described the details of her childhood, it became obvious that her father had mostly avoided her. Her mother had been kind when Cheryl was obedient, but she was critical and harsh when Cheryl "misbehaved." Finally, Cheryl realized that she had never felt unconditionally loved. I then made it clear that there was no blaming in this, just an attempt to understand the real cause of the fear and anger in her life.

Once Cheryl understood that her emptiness, fear, and anger had been caused by a lifetime of feeling unloved, two very important things happened: First, she experienced a dramatic change in attitude toward her husband. She stopped blaming him for her unhappiness. That blame alone had nearly destroyed their marriage. Second, she began to take the steps necessary to find the Real Love she needed, and that changed her life completely. We often need to see that we were not unconditionally loved in the past, not so we can blame our parents or any particular person, but so we can stop blaming the partners we have now and begin to find the Real Love we need to create the genuine happiness we all want.

Some of you may believe that if our childhood was less than perfect, we just need to "get over it," like a bad dream. You may think that what we were given (or not given) so long ago couldn't possibly continue to affect us now. But look what happened to Cheryl because she'd failed to receive Real Love as a child. Without the most important ingredient for happiness, she grew up empty and afraid. As I spoke with her further, I learned that she'd reacted to her emptiness and fear by manipulating and controlling all of the people around her, not just her husband. She was destroying her life, and without Real Love that's what people continue to do, all the way into their seventies and eighties.

You can't build a solid house on a rotten, shifting foundation. But if you were not unconditionally loved as a child, that's the kind of foundation you have, and no effort you put into the walls, windows, and doors will ever be fulfilling. You have to fix the foundation. Fortunately, as you find Real Love now, you can heal all the wounds of the past, repair the foundation, and build the kind of life you've always wanted.

Drowning for Lack of Love
Excerpted from Real Love: The Truth About Finding Unconditional Love and Fulfilling Relationships
By Greg Baer, M.D.

Imagine yourself again in the middle of the ocean, but this time there's no boat, no island, and no one to help you. You're drowning out there all by yourself. You're exhausted and terrified. Suddenly, a man grabs you from behind and drags you under the water. Completely overwhelmed by fear and anger, you struggle wildly to get free, but no matter what you do, your head remains underwater.

Just as you're about to pass out and drown, I arrive in a small boat and pull you from the water. After catching your breath, you turn and see that the man who dragged you under is actually drowning himself and only grabbed you in a desperate attempt to save his own life. He wasn't trying to harm you at all. Once you realize that, your anger vanishes immediately and you quickly help him into the boat.

That's how it is with relationships. People really don't do things with the principal goal of hurting you. When people hurt you, they're like the man who dragged you under the water - they're simply drowning and trying to save themselves. People who don't feel unconditionally loved are desperate and will do almost anything to eliminate the pain of their emptiness. Unfortunately, as they struggle to get the things that give them temporary relief - approval, money, sex, power, and so on - their behavior often has a negative effect on the people around them, including you. But that is not their first intent. Other people hurt us only because they're reacting badly to the pain of feeling unloved and alone. When we truly understand that, our feelings toward people, and our relationships with them, will change dramatically.

Without Real Love, we feel like we're drowning all the time. In that condition, almost everything seems threatening to us, even the most innocent behaviors. When people get angry or criticize us, we don't see them as drowning and protecting themselves. We become afraid, defensive, and angry, and we respond by using behaviors that may hurt them. Naturally, they react by protecting themselves and hurting us with even greater intensity, and until we understand that Real Love is the solution, we can only perpetuate this cycle of self-protection and injury.

Most relationships fail because we become angry and blame our anger on something our partner did or did not do. We need to remember that our anger is actually a reaction to the feelings of helplessness and fear that result from a lifetime of struggling to survive without unconditional love. Getting angry and assigning blame may give us a fleeting sense of power that momentarily relieves our fear, but those feelings originate within us, not with our partner's behavior.

When the man dragged you under the water, he did not cause your angry reaction. Your anger was the result of a series of many events that led to your drowning in the ocean, and also a result of your own decision to blame that man for drowning you. You weren't murderously angry with the man in the water because of a single tug on your shoulder. You were angry because you'd been spit out in the middle of the ocean with no chance for survival and because you were exhausted and frightened and about to die. What the other man did just added the last straw to the camel's back and appeared to be the cause of your anger.

Similarly, the anger we feel toward our partners results from past events (whether or not we felt Real Love - mostly from our parents) and present decisions (whether we choose to be angry or loving with our partners). We're reacting to a lifetime of trying to survive without unconditional love, and anger is an understandable response because it makes us feel less helpless and afraid - for the moment. It protects us and briefly makes us feel better. But it never makes us feel loved or happy or less alone.

We need to learn a better response to our pain than blaming and anger, and we can. As we come to understand that our partners are not to blame for our unhappiness, we can better exercise self-control to curb our anger. Then, as we begin to find and experience Real Love, we'll feel as if we're being pulled out of the water and into the boat. In the absence of the terrible fear that accompanies drowning, we'll no longer have a need to protect ourselves with anger - or any of the other unproductive behaviors we use in relationships, such as lying, acting hurt, and withdrawing. Our ability to form and maintain loving relationships will then come simply and easily.

Just as being pulled into the boat instantly allowed you to gain the correct perspective on the man who was drowning you, understanding Real Love will provide you with the ability to discern the difference between the "right" and "wrong" decisions you make in your life and in your relationships. First, I suggest that being genuinely happy is the ultimate goal in life and is therefore also the ultimate good. Second, because Real Love is absolutely essential to our happiness, I suggest that anything that interferes with our ability to feel and share unconditional love is necessarily "bad" or "wrong," while anything that promotes our ability to feel loved and share that love with others is "right" and "good."

Looking over Your Shoulder

2010-01-10T19:06:00.005+08:00

Excerpted from Who Can You Trust? Overcoming Betrayal and Fear
By Howard E. Butt, Jr.

Trust is the basis for every relationship.
So what happens when that foundation cracks?

• A cheating spouse destroys the feelings of confidence and fidelity in a marriage.

• A friend's betrayal causes mistrust to spread to your other close relationships.

• An undermining co-worker creates a suspicious, tense, disjointed workplace.

• Organizational board members work in secret to form coalitions to assume control.

Trust plays a key role in every arena of our lives, because trust is the linchpin for all our relationships-family, school, church, work, and community. And how we sort out all the issues of trust and mistrust determines the direction our lives will take-and our ultimate happiness and fulfillment. How can we build deeper, stronger trust in our relationships? How can we cope when that trust has been wounded or destroyed? How can we live a life of trust without being naïve about betrayal?

In Who Can You Trust? one of America's most beloved leaders, Howard E. Butt, Jr., candidly shares his own real-life experience and expertise to help you answer these questions in a biblical and practical way. He helps you recognize and resolve past trust issues that have shattered your faith and your spirit. And he shows you how to let your faith help you build stronger trust in the future for all your most important relationships.

Chapter 1

Looking over Your Shoulder

The only way to make a man trustworthy is to trust him; and the surest way to make him untrustworthy is to distrust him and show your mistrust.

—Henry Lewis Stimson

Have you ever walked down a dark street at night in an unfamiliar city? You feel apprehensive and uneasy; each footfall behind you seems menacing; you quicken your steps. You tend to look over your shoulder, hyperalert for any danger lurking in the shadows.

Trust can take on a similar feeling-following an unfamiliar path, encountering new people, working your way along in untested relationships, having to depend on the reliability of others-not knowing what may lie in wait in the dim, unknown future.

We've been making decisions about trust from the beginnings of our consciousness. Few of us can remember, but at one time we were all trusting of just about everyone. As we aged, we experienced both trust and its opposites, abuse and betrayal. Our human databank of knowledge increased tremendously. Some experiences were good, others bad. As these experiences multiplied, we began to shape our view of trust and mistrust.

Child-development educators teach today that our behavior depends to a great extent on how-or whether-we resolved the trust-mistrust conflict early in our lives. Their viewpoint largely comes from the work of the late Harvard professor Erik Erikson. He held that the conflict between trust and mistrust arises in the very first stage of a child's development. Successful resolution of this conflict depends largely on the infant's relationship with the primary caregiver. If we encounter trust during our infancy, the stage is set for a lifelong perception of the world as a good and pleasant place. But if our caregiver wasn't dependable, then the crib and nursery turned shaky, and it's likely we grew up to be mistrustful and insecure. Both history and personal observation show us early or late that the capacity to trust, or the lack of it, bears out Erikson's view.

Somewhere along the way, all of us in one way or another have seen our trust mishandled, either on purpose or by mistake. Slowly we became a little jaded in our view of the world. Perhaps at some point in our lives we blindly trusted someone without question. But as our experience grew, a little voice began to warn us to be cautious with every decision concerning trust.

We quickly discovered that no one is immune from the pain of mistrust. Like walking down that dark street at night, we learned to trust-but also to glance anxiously to and fro for possible trouble.

Trust and mistrust carry immense power in shaping our lives. They influence our view of our parents, our friends, our mate, our children, our bosses, our government, our peers… and even our view of God.

To make the issue of trust and mistrust more complicated, in recent years our trust in trust itself has been shaken. The events of September 11, 2001, fractured bodies, buildings, friendships, and families and set the whole nation on edge. Thousands had faithfully left home for work in the World Trade Center or the Pentagon that morning, trusting to return by evening. They never came back. Their routine of trust and their very lives had been smashed-by the treacherous violence of terrorists. The terrorists themselves had betrayed their trusting welcome at America's historically hospitable borders.

Shortly after 9/11, our trust quotient took another terrible blow, this time home-grown in corporate America. Enron, WorldCom, and other business scandals shook the trust of millions of people, horribly damaging employees, investors, and retirement-account holders. The economic bubble of the 1990s first started shrinking and then collapsed amid charges of irresponsibility, deceit, and accounting trickery.

Betrayal wears many faces, so how do we find trust?

The economy is built on trust, as we learn facing shady stock-market manipulations. Civil society is built on trust, as we realize going through layers of airline security. Marriage is built on trust, as we hear couples taking vows hesitate to pledge "till death do us part." Families are built on trust, as we observe when parents neglect and children rebel. Democracy is built on trust, as we relearn during each constitutional cycle of elections. Friendship is built on trust, as we discover across our years of life and work in groups.

Trust holds life together. Stanford law professor Joseph A. Grundfest says, "Trust is hard-wired into everything from computers to the Internet to building codes.… Societies which have a low degree of trust are backward societies."

Today, we desperately need to discover new, workable levels of trust for our society to move forward-in our work and organizations, in our marriages and families, in our professions and our governments. And yet… and yet… trust and mistrust both live inside every one of us. Each response is an essential virtue. Sometimes we should trust. Sometimes we should mistrust. If we can't practice either of these contradictory virtues with equal ease, calm, and assurance, we're in trouble, whether we know it or not. And all of us, in various ways and places, are in trouble. When to trust? When not to trust? How to decide wisely?

It all begins with trust and trustworthiness up close-up close and personal-in the microcosms of our lives, in the crucibles of our character. For the decline of trust and the rise of mistrust have become hallmarks of our era.

I grew up in a time when doors to our homes were left unlocked. In our houses today, one lock won't do; instead, we lock, double-lock, install a deadbolt, and then set the electronic alarm. My first car, a 1940s-model used Ford, was often left on the street with the keys still in it-ready to run. Today, automatic door-lock systems shut tight our cars inside and out. We then install the Club, keep our windows up, and still hear antitheft devices scream all around us. Security services proliferate-across six pages of our local yellow pages. More and more, the erosion of trust dominates our lives.

Divorce rates have zoomed upward in the decades just past. More often than not, trust was the triggering issue. Marriage promises broken by adultery provided flagrant examples. But often it was more subtle and even more basic. Husbands or wives, one or both, concluded: "I can't trust this man or this woman to ever really care for me, or understand me, or adjust to me, or fully give herself or himself to meet my marital needs for love and intimacy."

It should be a given that the church is built on trust. But even there mistrust grows. Harold Myra, the publisher of Christianity Today, wrote an article in Leadership, a magazine for pastors, entitled "Trauma and Betrayal." It began with a story:

People had been upset with the pastor and wanted to get rid of him. They called a special meeting, and one by one, they publicly stood up and told all the reasons they didn't like him and his performance. Sitting in the congregation listening to all this was the pastor's eleven-year-old son and, of course, his wife.

… How could something so cruel and thoughtless happen in _a church?… Other men in other professions may get fired, but _seldom with such exquisite humiliation, and certainly not in front of their own families.

To publicly treat a person's feelings so brutally is to stab trust in the back, to turn the church horribly unchristian. Leadership's survey found that 60 percent of pastors have experienced traumatic events in their professional lives that were extremely difficult to accept. Of that percentage, 85 percent felt betrayed by persons they thought they could trust. When asked if they ever anticipated that anything like this could happen, 80 percent said no. Such experiences are not limited to senior pastors. Music directors, youth pastors, and other leaders within the church have similar stories of betrayal.

The laity-the people in the pews-also struggle with feelings of trust abused. When pastors become dictators and tyrants, when denominations turn autocratic, when clergy scandals break hearts and lives and tarnish the faith, ordinary Christians feel betrayed too.

Hardened by broken-trust experiences, some of us learn to move on, repressing the pain. Others of us can't forget, swearing we'll never allow ourselves to be put in such a position again. Broken trust, real or perceived, keeps shadowing our lives. If we have been betrayed before, fears of betrayal loom like dragons whenever anyone gets close. We're like my high school science teacher, who regularly said about our lab experiments, "Expect the worst, and you won't be disappointed."

So while we trust our boss, we still find ourselves fearing the worst. While we trust our friends, we wonder whether they will reveal our secrets to others. While we trust our fellow workers, we suspect they're undermining us. Unfortunately, it can get to the point where we don't really trust much of anybody.

In his book Jesus & Personality Theory, James R. Beck writes:

Anyone who has been deceived by a person who reneges on a promise or who simply does not carry through on responsibilities knows how devastating that disappointment can be. We want to trust others, but sometimes that trust is violated. And when it is, the hurt, harm and long-term consequences are many and extensive.

That hurt-of trust violated-can finally make the principles involved clearer: this clash between trust and mistrust forms the grid on which we live our lives. The grid is the framework for both our agonies and our ecstasies. From infancy's fears of falling, loud noises, and abandonment to grade school's best-friends rankings and middle school's off-and-on romances, we're on a continual search for networks of love, support, and security.

Awash in and infused by the estrangement acid of distrust, we still find ourselves on a ceaseless quest for the reassuring calmness of trust.

Looking Beyond the Surface

So the trust-versus-mistrust battle rages around and within us. But you still may ask, "Why is it important to understand trust versus mistrust? All I know is that I hurt and want to know how to stop hurting." I have a tendency to look only at the immediate problem too. Each trust-versus-mistrust conflict is so personal, so close. Yet it's part of much larger patterns.

This trust issue goes so much further than simply dealing with the pain of broken trust. When confronted with the topic of trust, I find that most of my thoughts turn to how to deal with the consequences of the distrust I feel right at hand. But dealing with only the at-hand effects of betrayal-or just, perhaps, with the general pain of mistrust we've felt toward others-answers only the surface problem. Unless we learn more about the effects of our past experiences, we will be tempted to repeat those same early processes over and over again and remain locked in them.

So it's critical that we take a closer look at the very foundations of this trust-mistrust paradox. We must understand how universal, perpetual, and pervasive its dynamics are. We needn't make our personal trust-mistrust decisions without a broadening overview of the issues involved and a deepening grasp of how our inner histories affect us. For in them we're actually being offered a wiser, more powerful, more joyful life in Christ.

We do need to look over our shoulder-it's a common, necessary reflex in us all-but we dare not take it to extremes. Unmoderated mistrust leaves us isolated and alone. Pure distrust-distilled over time-shrivels us; our lives turn in on ourselves; our existence becomes unbearable.

If we only look on the surface, why trust anyone? The risk is too high, the pain too great. Why take the chance?

Certainly we all have asked such questions, especially after feeling the sharp blade of hurt in the violation of our trust. But it becomes increasingly difficult for us to run away from the issues if we hope to live a fruitful life of fulfilling work and relationships.

Something within us wants to trust. Something within us wants to distrust our excessive distrusts. We don't want to turn suspicious and cynical, withering away. We have been built to flourish, knowing when to trust, when to mistrust, and how to discern the difference.

But before we get there, we need to face some hard truths about reality and about ourselves.

Are You Lonely?

2009-06-02T08:17:00.002+08:00

By Mary Ellen Copeland, Ph.D.

(Fr http://psychcentral.com/lib/2006/are-you-lonely)

Many years ago, when I was a young adolescent, an adult in my life said that she dreamed about a great chasm, a chasm so deep that she couldn’t see to the bottom of it, with sheer rock cliffs on either side. She was alone on one side of the chasm, looking to the other side. On that other side, people were talking to one another, laughing and appearing to have a good time. She felt totally excluded and felt that there was no way to get to the other side of the chasm.

This vision has stayed with me through my life. There have been many times when I felt like I was on one side of a chasm looking across to a place where everyone else was having a good time. For me it was a very clear description of loneliness.

My studies, and my years of work in the mental health field, have convinced me that loneliness is a key factor in all kinds of mental and emotional distress. In addition, I have found that the incidence of loneliness in this country, and perhaps in the world, is at pandemic proportions. The value of meaningful interpersonal connection in our society is often minimized.

The frenetic pace of modern society and the need to be very financially successful to “just get by ” seems to have eclipsed the importance of having good people in our lives who affirm and support us. Many of us have little or no contact with family members or neighbors. Our work situations may increase our loneliness. Some people say they have forgotten how to connect with others, or perhaps they never learned. I feel so strongly about this topic that I wrote a book about it, The Loneliness Workbook (Oakland, CA: New Harbinger Publications, 2000). This column will help you to think about loneliness in your life and give you some ideas on how to relieve it.

What Is Loneliness?

There are many descriptions of loneliness. They often contain words that describe feelings like despair, emptiness, hopeless and longing. Which one of the following descriptions of loneliness feels right to you?

A feeling of having no common bond with the people around you
Feeling disconnected from others
Feeling sad because there is no one else available to be with you
Feeling uncomfortable being by yourself
Feeling that there is no one in your life who really cares about you
Being without friends or a companion
Feeling like you don’t have anyone who wants to be with you
Feeling abandoned
Being unable to connect with anyone on either a physical or emotional level
Feeling left out
Being alone and not comfortable being with yourself

You may want to write your own definition of what loneliness means to you.

What Would It Feel Like If You Were Not Lonely?

To begin changing any situation or circumstance in your life that is troubling to you, it helps to envision what your life would be like if you accomplished this change. For instance, a woman with a disability who felt lonely and disconnected from others said, “If I had several friends, we could call each other and chat. I could share with them how I ‘really feel,’ about the sadness of having a disability, about the excitement of developing a new career, and about my separation from my family. They could stop by and visit with me. Perhaps they could even take me out from time to time.”

Not feeling lonely may mean that you have a sense of balance in your life between being with others and being alone, and that you feel loved and cared about. This connection is so strong that, even when you are by yourself, you feel bonded to someone, that others are there and will be there in spirit if not in person for you always. You have true friends and close family and the security of having someone there for you when you need them.

Relieving Loneliness

If you are lonely and want to relieve your loneliness, you may want to take some action to create this change. Read and consider each of the following ideas and start working on those that sound right to you. Perhaps you can think of other things you can do to relieve your loneliness.

- Work on liking yourself. If you don’t like yourself, it is hard to feel that others will like you. This often makes if difficult to reach out to others. In addition, people who hold themselves in high regard are often more interesting and fun to be with. What can you do to raise your self-esteem?

One very simple thing is to work on changing the negative thoughts you have about yourself to positive ones. For instance, if you keep saying to yourself, “I don’t like myself,” try saying, “I like myself” instead. Say it over and over to yourself. Repeat it aloud whenever you can.

Another thing you can do to improve your self-esteem is to focus on taking very good care of yourself. Eat healthy food. Get plenty of rest. Do fun things that you enjoy. There are many books filled with good ideas on how to raise your self-esteem.

- Plan ahead. If you feel lonely much of the time, it may be because you don’t enjoy spending time alone. People who don’t like to spend time alone are often so desperate to be with others that their neediness causes other people to turn away from them.

To resolve this situation, make plans in advance for time you know you will need to spend alone. Fill the time with pleasant and interesting activities. Look forward to this special time. As you feel more and more comfortable with being alone, you will notice that the time you spend with others will also be more enjoyable.

- Join a support group. Support groups are one of the best places to make good friends. It can be any kind of a support group — a group of people who have a certain disorder or disability, people who are working on similar issues, a men’s or women’s group, a group for single parents, etc. The list goes on and on. The hardest thing about joining a support group is going the first time. This is true for everyone. Just be determined and go. After you have gone several times, you will feel much more comfortable. If you don’t feel comfortable after you have attended several times, you may want to go to a different group.

- Go to meetings, lectures, concerts, readings and other events and activities in your community. Check the newspaper for listings of events that sound interesting to you. Then go. When you have seen the same person several times, you can begin to chat with them about your common interest. This is how friendships and closer relationships begin. As you get to know each other better, you may decide to visit on a friendly basis or get together. Where the relationship goes from there is up to both of you.

- Volunteer. Work for a worthy organization or cause that you feel strongly about. You will meet others who share your passion, and perhaps make some new friends in the process. Most communities have an organization you can contact for volunteer organizations. Or you can call the organization directly.

- Reconnect with old friends. Most people can think of friends they had in the past that they enjoyed, but with whom they have lost touch over the years. If you can think of one or several people like that, give them a call, drop them a note or send them an e-mail. If it seems that they are as interested as you are in reconnecting, make a plan to get together. Then, if you both enjoy your time together, make a plan for the next time you will get together before parting so you don’t lose contact again. Do this every time you get together.

- Strengthen your connections with family members. Connections with family members are important to almost everyone. However, due to difficult family issues and lack of time and attention, these relationships may be distant or nonexistent. Renewing and strengthening these connections, if it feels right to you to do so, can enhance and enrich your life.

You may need to be the one to reach out. Invite family members with whom you would like a stronger connection to join you for a meal or a shared activity. Share the good things that are going on in your life. Ask them to tell you about the important and significant issues in their lives. Make a commitment to work together on a strong relationship with each other, one in which you will resolve differences amicably, without estrangement.

- Make sure that the relationships you have with others are mutual — that you are there for them as much as they are there for you. Relationships often diminish and disappear if one person is doing all the giving and one is doing all the receiving. I have a friend who has since moved, but who used to call me or come to visit me often. She talked constantly, sharing every detail of her life. I never got a chance to say anything. I felt terrible — disaffirmed and unsupported by her. Finally I told her how I was feeling. She apologized and thanked me for telling her. She said she knew that she does this and that sometimes she notices that people’s “eyes glaze over” when she is talking, but it is hard for her to stop. We made a commitment that every time we talk, we would each get equal time to share. It worked. Our relationship survived. We are still in touch by mail, phone and an occasional visit.

- Seek professional advice. Do you think you are doing something that turns other people away from you, but you don’t really know what it is? If so, you may want to see a counselor and ask her or him to help you discover why you have a hard time keeping friends. A counselor could also help you to resolve the issue.

Getting Close to Five

In all my work, I have come to believe that we each need at least five people in our lives that we feel very close to — family members, neighbors, colleagues, and friends — so that when we would like to be with someone, someone will be available. In each of these close relationships, you love and trust each other, you connect with and support each other in the good and hard times, and, most important, you spend time together doing fun things that both of you enjoy.

If you don’t have five people like that in your life right now, make a plan for how you will make some new friends and connections, using ideas from this article and others that come to mind. You may want to make a list of these people, along with their addresses and phone numbers, so that you can be in touch with them when you notice that you are feeling lonely.

Mary Ellen Copeland, Ph.D. is an author, educator and mental health recovery advocate, as well as the developer of WRAP (Wellness Recovery Action Plan). To learn more about her books, such as the popular The Depression Workbook and Wellness Recovery Action Plan, her other writings, and WRAP, please visit her website, Mental Health Recovery and WRAP. Reprinted here with permission.

The Truth About Finding Unconditional Love

2008-10-02T19:58:00.004+08:00

(fr http://www.enotalone.com/article/6423.html)

Real Love: The Truth About Finding Unconditional Love and Fulfilling Relationships

With Real Love, nothing else matters; without it, nothing else is enough.

The Missing Ingredient

"And what's that?" asked Cheryl.

"But I did feel loved. My parents did love me," Cheryl insisted.

TRUE FRIENDSHIP

2008-10-02T16:56:00.001+08:00

(fr http://www.christianresearchservice.com/True_Friendship.htm)
For those who have experienced the joy of true friendship,
and for those who are searching for a true friend...

A true friend is there through the
good and bad, beautiful and
ugly, hot and cold, rain or shine

A true friend can't wait to see you,
embrace you, hug you, love you,
laugh with you, talk with you

A true friend is your backseat driver,
protector, adviser, righthand-man,
partner, consultant, one-of-a-kind

A true friend will not tolerate excuses,
condone compromise, or lie for you

A true friend is your bosom-buddy,
pal, confidant, sidekick, colleague,
comrade-in-arms, companion
A true friend is fifty-fifty, will tell you
anything, keep a secret, correct you
when you are wrong, and advise you
to do that which is right

A true friend is bold, courageous,
fearless, and will be at your side
in a moment's notice, under
any circumstances

A true friend will not patronize you,
forsake you, lie to you, or betray you

A true friend will stand shoulder-to-shoulder
with you through life's toughest times, and
will not back down in the face of adversity

A true friend is not dictated to or ruled-over
by others, but listens to you, cares only for
you, and puts you first in his life--above and
beyond everything and everyone on Earth

A true friend will share his life experiences
with you, and tell you the truth in love,
even if it hurts and makes you mad

A true friend will stand up for you in the
midst of your persecution, and guard
you in a storm of rocks and arrows

A true friend will keep a secret, correct
you, encourage you, and love you,
even when you are wrong

A true friend will warn you of danger,
warn you when you are being deceived,
tell you "Don't do it!" and always be
there for you...no matter what

A true friend will hold your hand tightly,
support you, stop you from falling, crawl
with you, and carry you if you can't walk

A true friend will feel your pain and
sorrow, suffer with you, cry with you,
and gently dry the tears from your face

A true friend will trust you with his life,
take you at your word, and tell you
to get tough and stop your whining

A true friend will stand face-to-face with
your enemies, defend you, protect you,
fight for you, make sacrifices for you,
and even die for you

A true friend will look ahead for you,
be there with you, lead you, guide you,
walk side-by-side with you, guard you,
follow behind you, and watch your
back to keep you safe

A true friend will give you his last morsel
of food, last drop of water, last breath of air

A true friend's shoulder is stained with your tears...

Friendship

2008-10-02T16:38:00.003+08:00

by http://www.allaboutgod.com/true-friendship.htm

True Friendship - Recognition

How can we find true friendship in this often phony, temporary world? Friendship involves recognition or familiarity with another's personality. Friends often share likes and dislikes, interests, pursuits, and passion.

How can we recognize potential friendship? Signs include a mutual desire for companionship and perhaps a common bond of some kind. Beyond that, genuine friendship involves a shared sense of caring and concern, a desire to see one another grow and develop, and a hope for each other to succeed in all aspects of life. True friendship involves action: doing something for someone else while expecting nothing in return; sharing thoughts and feelings without fear of judgment or negative criticism.

True Friendship - Relationship, Trust, Accountability

True friendship involves relationship. Those mutual attributes we mentioned above become the foundation in which recognition transpires into relationship. Many people say, "Oh, he's a good friend of mine," yet they never take time to spend time with that "good friend." Friendship takes time: time to get to know each other, time to build shared memories, time to invest in each other's growth.

Trust is essential to true friendship. We all need someone with whom we can share our lives, thoughts, feelings, and frustrations. We need to be able to share our deepest secrets with someone, without worrying that those secrets will end up on the Internet the next day! Failing to be trustworthy with those intimate secrets can destroy a friendship in a hurry. Faithfulness and loyalty are key to true friendship. Without them, we often feel betrayed, left out, and lonely. In true friendship, there is no backbiting, no negative thoughts, no turning away.

True friendship requires certain accountability factors. Real friends encourage one another and forgive one another where there has been an offense. Genuine friendship supports during times of struggle. Friends are dependable. In true friendship, unconditional love develops. We love our friends no matter what and we always want the best for our friends.

True Friendship - Examples of Real Friendship

True friendship stories are found throughout the Bible. In Genesis 18:17-33, we read about God sharing His intentions with Abraham. Abraham responds by telling God his thoughts and feelings about the situation. God and Abraham are able to do this because they trust and respect each other.

First Samuel 20 focuses on the friendship of David and Jonathan. These two men truly cared for each other and had great trust and confidence in one another. David was running for his life from Jonathan's father, Saul. Jonathan recognized that David was innocent. Because of the true friendship they shared, David survived Saul's assassination attempts and went on to become one of Israel's greatest kings.

Real and true friendship involves freedom of choice, accountability, truth, and forgiveness. Peter and Jesus give us this example: Peter, afraid for his life after Jesus is led away from the Garden of Gethsemane, denies knowing Jesus (John 18). As He is led away by His accusers, Jesus casts a look toward Peter that says, "I knew you would deny Me, and I forgive you" (John 21).

Real friendship looks at the heart, not just the "packaging." Genuine friendship loves for love's sake, not just for what it can get in return. True friendship is both challenging and exciting. It risks, it overlooks faults, and it loves unconditionally, but it also involves being truthful, even though it may hurt. Genuine friendship, also called "agape" love, comes from the Lord. The Lord Jesus calls us His friends and He laid down His life for us (John 15).

Relationships in real life involve different levels of friendships, and that's okay. But humans are designed by God for lasting relationships. Often our isolationist society offers only vague, empty relationships. God wants us to have friends here on earth. Most of all, He wants us to be friends with Him!

God's Word tells us that a friend sticks closer than a brother, and that in order for one to be a friend, one must show themselves friendly (Proverbs 18:24). The question is: what type of friend do you desire to be?

Proverbs 18:19 in the New Living Translation says: "It's harder to make amends with an offended friend than to capture a fortified city. Arguments separate friends like a gate locked with iron bars." When we've offended a true friend - whether by breaking a trust or by speaking the truth with love - we risk losing that friendship. We must be careful not to break the trust. But when not speaking the truth will cause greater hurt in our friend's life, we must be willing to sacrifice our needs for those of our friend. That is true friendship.

If we sometimes offend a friend without meaning to, God's Word offers a solution. It's called forgiveness. There is no greater example than the love of God for us. It so great that He gave His only begotten Son, Jesus Christ, in order that our friendship with God might be restored. He did that in spite of the fact that we have offended Him deeply. We have disobeyed His commands, turned our backs on Him, and followed our own path. So the question remains: What type of friend do you want to be? True Christian friendship forgives.

Do you need a friend? God wants to be your true friend. Are you longing for companionship? God is always with you (Hebrews 13:5). Who do you know who needs a true friend today? God wants you to befriend others. He calls us to be His hands and feet in a world starving for true friendship.

The Psychology Of Emotions, Feelings and Thoughts

2008-07-26T12:17:00.002+08:00

This is a long one, so I will provide you the pdf link.

Download PDF here

http://cnx.org/content/m14358/latest

The Power of Love

2008-07-20T21:39:00.003+08:00

From http://psychologytoday.com/articles/pto-20021201-000001.html

Love is the best antidepressant—but many of our ideas about it are wrong. The less love you have, the more depressed you are likely to feel.

By: Ellen McGrath

Love is as critical for your mind and body as oxygen. It's not negotiable. The more connected you are, the healthier you will be both physically and emotionally. The less connected you are, the more you are at risk.

It is also true that the less love you have, the more depression you are likely to experience in your life. Love is probably the best antidepressant there is because one of the most common sources of depression is feeling unloved. Most depressed people don't love themselves and they do not feel loved by others. They also are very self-focused, making them less attractive to others and depriving them of opportunities to learn the skills of love.

There is a mythology in our culture that love just happens. As a result, the depressed often sit around passively waiting for someone to love them. But love doesn't work that way. To get love and keep love you have to go out and be active and learn a variety of specific skills.

Most of us get our ideas of love from popular culture. We come to believe that love is something that sweeps us off our feet. But the pop-culture ideal of love consists of unrealistic images created for entertainment, which is one reason so many of us are set up to be depressed. It's part of our national vulnerability, like eating junk food, constantly stimulated by images of instant gratification. We think it is love when it's simply distraction and infatuation.

One consequence is that when we hit real love we become upset and disappointed because there are many things that do not fit the cultural ideal. Some of us get demanding and controlling, wanting someone else to do what we think our ideal of romance should be, without realizing our ideal is misplaced.

It is not only possible but necessary to change one's approach to love to ward off depression. Follow these action strategies to get more of what you want out of life—to love and be loved.
Recognize the difference between limerance and love. Limerance is the psychological state of deep infatuation. It feels good but rarely lasts. Limerance is that first stage of mad attraction whereby all the hormones are flowing and things feel so right. Limerance lasts, on average, six months. It can progress to love. Love mostly starts out as limerance, but limerance doesn't always evolve into love.
Know that love is a learned skill, not something that comes from hormones or emotion particularly. Erich Fromm called it "an act of will." If you don't learn the skills of love you virtually guarantee that you will be depressed, not only because you will not be connected enough but because you will have many failure experiences.
Learn good communication skills. They are a means by which you develop trust and intensify connection. The more you can communicate the less depressed you will be because you will feel known and understood.
There are always core differences between two people, no matter how good or close you are, and if the relationship is going right those differences surface. The issue then is to identify the differences and negotiate them so that they don't distance you or kill the relationship.

You do that by understanding where the other person is coming from, who that person is, and by being able to represent yourself. When the differences are known you must be able to negotiate and compromise on them until you find a common ground that works for both.

Focus on the other person. Rather than focus on what you are getting and how you are being treated, read your partner's need. What does this person really need for his/her own well-being? This is a very tough skill for people to learn in our narcissistic culture. Of course, you don't lose yourself in the process; you make sure you're also doing enough self-care.

Help someone else. Depression keeps people so focused on themselves they don't get outside themselves enough to be able to learn to love. The more you can focus on others and learn to respond and meet their needs, the better you are going to do in love.
Develop the ability to accommodate simultaneous reality. The loved one's reality is as important as your own, and you need to be as aware of it as of your own. What are they really saying, what are they really needing? Depressed people think the only reality is their own depressed reality.
Actively dispute your internal messages of inadequacy. Sensitivity to rejection is a cardinal feature of depression. As a consequence of low self-esteem, every relationship blip is interpreted far too personally as evidence of inadequacy. Quick to feel rejected by a partner, you then believe it is the treatment you fundamentally deserve. But the rejection really originates in you, and the feelings of inadequacy are the depression speaking.

Recognize that the internal voice is strong but it's not real. Talk back to it. "I'm not really being rejected, this isn't really evidence of inadequacy. I made a mistake." Or "this isn't about me, this is something I just didn't know how to do and now I'll learn." When you reframe the situation to something more adequate, you can act again in an effective way and you can find and keep the love that you need.

What is Love

2008-07-20T21:24:00.003+08:00

by Love-Sessions.com (http://www.love-sessions.com/whatislove.htm)

What is love? It is one of the most difficult questions for the mankind. Centuries have passed by, relationships have bloomed and so has love. But no one can give the proper definition of love. To some “Love is friendship set on fire” for others “Maybe love is like luck. You have to go all the way to find it”. No matter how you define it or feel it, love is the eternal truth in the history of mankind.

Love is patient, love is kind. It has no envy, nor it boasts itself and it is never proud. It rejoices over the evil and is the truth seeker. Love protects; preserves and hopes for the positive aspect of life. Always stand steadfast in love, not fall into it. It is like the dream of your matter of affection coming true. Love can occur between two or more individuals. It bonds them and connects them in a unified link of trust, intimacy and interdependence. It enhances the relationship and comforts the soul. Love should be experienced and not just felt. The depth of love can not be measured. Look at the relationship between a mother and a child. The mother loves the child unconditionally and it can not be measured at all. A different dimension can be attained between any relationships with the magic of love. Love can be created. You just need to focus on the goodness of the other person. If this can be done easily, then you can also love easily. And remember we all have some positive aspect in us, no matter how bad our deeds maybe. And as God said “Love all”

Depending on context, love can be of different varieties. Romantic love is a deep, intense and unending. It shared on a very intimate and interpersonal and sexual relationship. The term Platonic love, familial love and religious love are also matter of great affection. It is more of desire, preference and feelings. The meaning of love will change with each different relationship and depends more on its concept of depth, versatility, and complexity. But at times the very existence of love is questioned. Some say it is false and meaningless. It says that it never exist, because there has been many instances of hatred and brutality in relationships. The history of our world has witnessed many such events. There has been hatred between brothers, parents and children, sibling rivalry and spouses have failed each other. Friends have betrayed each other; the son has killed his parents for the throne, the count is endless. Even the modern generation is also facing with such dilemmas everyday. But “love” is not responsible for that. It is us, the people, who have forgotten the meaning of love and have undertaken such gruesome apathy.

In the past the study of philosophy and religion has done many speculations on the phenomenon of love. But love has always ruled, in music, poetry, paintings, sculptor and literature. Psychology has also done lot of dissection to the essence of love, just like what biology, anthropology and neuroscience has also done to it.

Psychology portrays love as a cognitive phenomenon with a social cause. It is said to have three components in the book of psychology: Intimacy, Commitment, and Passion. Also, in an ancient proverb love is defined as a high form of tolerance. And this view has been accepted and advocated by both philosophers and scholars. Love also includes compatibility. But it is more of journey to the unknown when the concept of compatibility comes into picture. Maybe the person whom we see in front of us, may be least compatible than the person who is miles away. We might talk to each other and portray that we love each other, but practically we do not end up into any relationship. Also in compatibility, the key is to think about the long term successful relationship, not a short journey. We need to understand each other and must always remember that no body is perfect.

Be together, share your joy and sorrow, understand each other, provide space to each other, but always be there for each others need. And surely love will blossom to strengthen your relationship with your matter of affection.

How to Deal With Grief

2008-07-15T14:33:00.001+08:00

What is grief?

Grief is the normal response of sorrow, emotion, and confusion that comes from losing someone or something important to you. It is a natural part of life. Grief is a typical reaction to death, divorce, job loss, a move away from friends anf family, or loss of good health due to illness.

How does grief feel?

Just after a death or loss, you may feel empty and numb, as if you are in shock. You may notice physical changes such as trembling, nausea, trouble breathing, muscle weakness, dry mouth, or trouble sleeping and eating.

You may become angry - at a situation, a particular person, or just angry in general. Almost everyone in grief also experiences guilt. Guilt is often expressed as "I could have, I should have, and I wish I would have" statements.

People in grief may have strange dreams or nightmares, be absent-minded, withdraw socially, or lack the desire to return to work. While these feelings and behaviors are normal during grief, they will pass.

How long does grief last?

Grief lasts as long as it takes you to accept and learn to live with your loss. For some people, grief lasts a few months. For others, grieving may take years.

The length of time spent grieving is different for each person. There are many reasons for the differences, including personality, health, coping style, culture, family background, and life experiences. The time spent grieving also depends on your relationship with the person lost and how prepared you were for the loss.

How will I know when I'm done grieving?

Every person who experiences a death or other loss must complete a four-step grieving process:

(1) Accept the loss;
(2) Work through and feel the physical and emotional pain of grief;
(3) Adjust to living in a world without the person or item lost; and
(4) Move on with life.

The grieving process is over only when a person completes the four steps.

How does grief differ from depression?

Depression is more than a feeling of grief after losing someone or something you love. Clinical depression is a whole body disorder. It can take over the way you think and feel. Symptoms of depression include:
A sad, anxious, or "empty" mood that won't go away;
Loss of interest in what you used to enjoy;
Low energy, fatigue, feeling "slowed down;"
Changes in sleep patterns;
Loss of appetite, weight loss, or weight gain;
Trouble concentrating, remembering, or making decisions;
Feeling hopeless or gloomy;
Feeling guilty, worthless, or helpless;
Thoughts of death or suicide or a suicide attempt; and
Recurring aches and pains that don't respond to treatment.

If you recently experienced a death or other loss, these feelings may be part of a normal grief reaction. But if these feelings persist with no lifting mood, ask for help.

How to Choose the Right Partner

2008-05-27T09:14:00.002+08:00

http://www.csulb.edu/divisions/students2/hrc/Health_Topics/topics/choose_partner.htm

Do you have an ideal partner sketched out in your head? Perhaps you have a shopping list of “must have” traits. If so, you are not alone. The most common characteristics people want in their partners include honesty, intelligence, sense of humor, openness to new ideas, stability, communication, common hobbies and interests, and willingness to work on the relationship to make it succeed. Though men and women might seek similar traits in a partner, research has demonstrated that each individual focuses on different qualities. Men typically want a relationship that allows autonomy, while women look for a sense of connection.

To begin your quest to find the right partner, think about the traits and behaviors you prefer. Most people automatically think of superficial traits such as “height” or “blue eyes.” Though these traits can be important, other traits are more important when it comes to having a healthy, long-term relationship. Here is a list of some important qualities to consider:

1. Commitment to personal growth
Is interested in learning how to be a better person and spouse.
Is aware of emotional baggage, blind spots, and weaknesses.
Has personal goals for self-improvement.

2. Emotional Openness
Is aware of his or her own feelings
Is able to express his or her feelings
Desires to share feelings with you

3. Integrity
Is honest with himself or herself
Is honest with others and you
Does not play games about wants and feelings

4. Maturity and Responsibility
Maintains a clean house, pays bills and handles finances
Is able to take care of himself or herself
Follows through on promises, shows up on time, doesn't let people down
Respects your boundaries, feelings, time, etc.

5. High Self-esteem
Takes pride in himself or herself without being arrogant
Takes care of body, living environment, car, possessions
Does not allow other people to mistreat him/her

6. Positive Attitude Towards Life
Focuses on solutions instead of problems
Turns obstacles into opportunities
Sees the good in situations and people

Now that your list is complete consider some flaws that are fatal to a relationship. Your partner might have one or more of these traits and still be capable of having a relationship. However, you may have a problem-filled relationship. According to Barbara DeAngelis, PhD the following is a list of fatal flaws:
Addictions
Anger
Victim consciousness
Control freak
Sexual dysfunction
Hasn't grown up
Emotionally unavailable
Hasn't recovered from past relationships
Emotional damage from childhood
Analyze Yourself
Next, turn the examination inwards. Ask yourself what is holding you back from having a loving relationship. Perhaps you are hurt from a previous break-up. Maybe you are afraid of commitment. Identify these issues and handle them . In addition, examine your previous relationships and learn from them. What mistakes did you make? What aspects of a previous relationship would you want to develop in future relationship(s)? Finally, examine other factors that might affect your partner choice: cultural norms, expectations of male and female roles, religious background, and socioeconomic needs.
Analyze Your Relationship
Once you are in a relationship continue to examine your compatibility with your partner. Do not overlook compatibility issues in order to be in a relationship. In other words, do not ignore warning signs of potential problems. Other mistakes include making compromises, such as eliminating activities you like because they don't interest your partner or reducing communication with family members your partner dislikes.
Talk to Your Partner
You should not be hesitant to ask your partner questions. You need to find out the behaviors and attitudes you can expect for later. It is important to learn not only about your partner but also about your partner's relationship with his or her family. Moreover, learning about your partner's family will provide insights about your partner. Here is a list of questions you could ask:
What do you like to do for fun? What did you do for fun when you were younger? How often do you get out and have fun? How much time per week do you take for leisure activities? What do you do when you want to relax? What do you like to do on vacation? What were your friendships like when you were growing up?
How do you handle tough times? How have you handled some of the difficult situations in your life?
What were your parents like when you were growing up? How did their opinions influence you, then and now? How did your parents get along? How have you changed over the years?
What are your plans for the future? What are your attitudes and what is your style for handling money? Do you like to help with household chores? What do you like to talk about? What conversations do you like to avoid?
Take Your Time
Overall, be patient. Take the time to get to know potential partners before jumping into a relationship. After all, you wouldn't select the first apple that caught your eye in the produce bin! Why be any less selective with your choice of mate?

References:
James, John and Schlesinger, Ibis. How to Choose the Right Partner? Addison- Wesley: Menlo Park, CA; 1987.
DeAngelis, Barbara, Ph.D. Are You the One for Me? Delacorte Press: New York; 1992.

Emotional Self-Hostage: How to set yourself Free

2008-05-20T22:38:00.000+08:00

By eNotAlone.com

The bad habit of emotionally holding ourselves hostage is unfortunately quite common. Why do people trap themselves into feeling certain feelings and continue to do things they know are bad for them and make them feel low about themselves? It varies for everyone. In order to set yourself free, you first need to understand and learn why you are holding yourself hostage.

Begin by paying attention to the emotions you feel when you are living the moments of your self-dictation, along with acknowledging what subjects play the role in attracting you into preventing yourself from being free and moving forward. Do you like feeling sorry for yourself? Do you feel the need to put yourself in situations that will make you feel badly afterwards? What about doing anything, harmful things both physically and mentally, just to be accepted in society? If this rings a bell to you, then you are suffering from Victimization Addiction, which means exactly the way it sounds- you are addicted to victimizing yourself. This addiction is not really the true issue however. The real problem is what lead you to this addiction and the way it has made you feel about yourself.

When you are experiencing a time when you hold yourself hostage, make a real effort to stop at that very point. When you do so, examine yourself emotionally and ask yourself why you are doing this to yourself. What event in your life influenced this behavior and attitude towards yourself? Keep in mind that the reason could trace all the way to an incident that happened during your childhood years, so be prepared to take a little journey back in time. A good example for explaining this method would be a person who constantly places themselves in relationships they know are bad for them- Relationships in which their lovers will take advantage of them, abuse them both emotionally and physically, and someone who will value them in no way. Why would someone purposely put himself or herself through this pain? Well, there are various answers to that question, but let us say that is this person had a childhood where he or she was a regular witness to the fights and abuse their parents inflicted on each other. Perhaps their father hit their mother when he was angry and their mother would deal with it by having affairs. This child then grew up believing that this behavior is normal and acceptable and should be tolerable. This would be the root of the problem and reason to why he or she victimizes himself/herself today.

This is what you need to do, find the root and true reason of why you are holding yourself hostage from being the person you are really meant to be, as well as live the life you are capable of living. Setting yourself free is definitely challenging and there will be times you will want to give up and just live a world of victimization. You might feel guilty about a mistake you have made and cannot forgive yourself for it, believing you deserve to feel horrible all the time, regardless of how much forgiveness you may received from another person. When this is the case, you need to learn to fight the mind tricks that are played on you. Gain your power of control back by telling yourself that the experience you feel badly about did happen, but is now over. You feel regret for it, but have also learned an important lesson from it, making you a better person. These are the things you must give your time to, to the positive things. Give yourself the credit you deserve and fight the temptation in going back to that painful memory that will force you to keep reliving it.

If the root comes from an event that occurred in your childhood, then you are in no way at fault for what happened- especially if it involves your parents. Your only responsibility as a child was to be carefree, enjoy yourself and leave the responsibility and the proper upbringing methods to your parents. Use whatever experience it was as a way to improve the adult life you are living now. Remind yourself on a regular basis of how no one on this earth is perfect and we all make mistakes and life can throw experiences at us that we feel helpless or painful over, but this does not make you any less of a good person. All it means is that life will send obstacles down our paths, and all of these obstacles hold a purpose and are intended to teach you how to be the best human being you can be, and discover the true meaning of your life.

Sometimes going through this process can be too hard to accomplish on your own, and that is perfectly normal and understandable- and does make you a failure. What is does, is make you aware of the fact that you are not alone in this world and therefore should not have to go through difficult periods by yourself. Find support and motivation that works for you. Some suggestions are family & friends, church, support groups, books, and counseling. Take a tour outside and search for what works best for you and what you feel will help you get through this. You can set yourself free...if you really want to. It is all about willpower -so start regaining that strength and use it on the maximum level until you are free and can move forward, moving on to the new and exciting stages that have been waiting for you.

Managing Anger In Relationships By Curt Smith

2008-05-05T07:56:00.003+08:00

Dear Curt,

I have a very big problem controlling my anger and it has led to the destruction of my last relationship. I seem to have a very short fuse, and have a bad habit of exploding whenever I become irritated. But I'm not the violent type. I have never laid a finger on any individual, nor will I. The only crime that I am guilty of is raising my voice, playing dirty (silent treatment, leave dirty dishes in sink, forget to do important things) and shouting.

Recently, my ex-girlfriend left me because she was afraid of me. She thought I had the potential of becoming a violent spouse. Harming her in any way -- emotional or physical -- is an unconceivable notion. The only reason I shouted was simply to be heard, and because of my disappointment when she did not agree with me. How can I control my anger? I don't want to scare away the next woman in my life.

Regards,
Jeffrey "Red" McSorely
New York City, NY

you bad boy

Are there any nice individuals left in America? Absolutely, and they -- like you and I -- get angry. It is a natural human emotion that allows us to fend off a menace to our well-being. The problem is that we use this same primitive mechanism in our everyday interaction with our loved ones too.

Some men -- and women -- don't know how to separate their carnal aggressive instinct to protect themselves from a more civilized manner. In other words, they have anger management problems.

the root of all evil

The problem is not anger; the problem is the mismanagement of conflict, which in turn leads to anger. Mismanaged rage is the major cause of conflict in our personal relationships, and the root of this problem stems from the fact that some individuals don't know how to communicate their problems properly.

Instead of expressing their feelings openly and constructively, some men resort to tricks to get back at their partner. Obviously, this does not do anything to resolve the conflict; it just adds fuel to the fire. Here are a few bad examples of how some men deal with their anger:

The Evader avoids conflict in order to get around having to listen to his wife's nagging. He usually leaves the room when the conflict takes place and goes for long walks, drives or stays at work late.

The Hinter refuses to say what is bothering him directly. He prefers to drop hints of his disappointment. For example, instead of disclosing concerns over his wife's provocative style, he says things like, "Are you trying to impress your boss at work?"

Who knows, you could you be the traitor, the bomber, the clown, the shouter, or even the accuser...

The Traitor gets even with his partner by not defending her, and can sometimes even encourage ridicule against her. For example, once I went to a dinner where the husband accused his wife of being an awful cook. In her own defense, she stated that she would have more time to cook a better meal if he wouldn't be so lazy and helped with the chores around the house.

The Clown is the guy who is fearful of facing conflicts head-on. While his spouse attempts to initiate a serious topic, he kids around in order to avoid the subject altogether.

The Bomber doesn't respond immediately to a conflict. Instead he keeps his resentment bottled up inside of him until there's no more room. Then one day, he blows up and unleashes his anger on the unsuspecting partner.

The Shouter believes that his partner will not hear him unless he constantly interrupts and shouts over her voice.

The Accuser is more focused on finding fault instead of a solution to the conflict. Of course, the accuser will never blame himself. Instead he'll blame his partner, which in turn will put her on the defensive.

In order to make a relationship work, you need to work together as a team, not against each other. Since it is impossible to avoid conflict, the challenge is handling it effectively when it does arise.

what do you do next?

The first step toward appropriately managing anger in our personal relationships is the acknowledgement of the upsetting situations within the relationship that influence excessive anger.

Once these attitudes have been identified, you can negotiate a win-win solution. Remember, no relationship can last if there is a constant win-lose or lose-lose situation. If you want the relationship to last, then you're going to have to work together to resolve all arising conflicts.

how to fight

Here are six tips that will help you resolve any conflict that might be fueling your anger:

1- Be prepared:
Your problem might not necessarily be a problem in the eyes of your partner. Therefore, take the time to properly identify what's bothering you and put your thoughts together in a descriptive manner that will be easy for your partner to understand.

2- Set a timeline:
It is important for both individuals to be in the right state of mind before expressing their feelings. Once you have a clear idea of the problem, approach your partner with a request to try and resolve it. If she's not in the mood, then make a request, "I've been concerned with some problems. Can we talk about it some time?" and then set a time to talk about it.

Calm down and continue your proposal...

3- Describe your problem:
The goal is to describe your conflict as accurately as possible without putting your partner on the defensive. The best way to go about this is by first describing the behavior that bothers you; your interpretation of that behavior; your feelings ; and the consequences that the behavior has on you. For example:

Stacy, I'd like to discuss something. I've noticed that you've been coming home late recently. Is it because you have a lot of work, are you avoiding me, or is it something else? Please clarify the situation for me because I'm starting to feel neglected. If this continues, I think that we might encounter friction within our relationship.

4- Ask for her point of view:
Once you finish describing your problem, kindly ask your partner to repeat what you said, in order to make sure that you expressed yourself adequately. Once you both have a clear understanding of the conflict at hand, let your partner share her thoughts.

5- Find a solution:
Once you both understand each other's needs, you should then focus your attention on finding a solution to the conflict. The best method is to try and come up with at least three feasible solutions and then decide which one best suits the situation.

6- Implement the solution:
Sure it's nice to come up with a solution. But it will only work if you implement it and both work hard at it. Then set some time aside to talk about your progress and even make any necessary changes along the way.

stay atop of the problem

In many cases, most men become angry simply because they do not seek to resolve whatever issues are making them feel aggressive when they occur. Instead they let things pile up and eat away at their nerves, until they can't deal with them anymore and explode with anger. It is the procrastination of their actions to resolve conflicts that ultimately leads to frustration.

All this anger can be resolved by dealing with the attitudes and behaviors causing the conflict in its early stages. This is usually done through communication and cooperation. Stay on top of the problem, and keep looking for creative ways to resolve it so that both partners remain happy and fulfilled within the relationship.

Get it on!

Loud and unclear

2008-05-05T07:53:00.000+08:00

Discusses ways in which people act when they sense that communication breakdown is total. Speaking louder as a remedy; Importance of changing the content of the message rather than volume; Cognitive effort; Comments from Charles R. Berger, professor of rhetoric and communication at University of California Davis; Berger's study results.

By: PT Staff
COMMUNICATION
When people can't understand what we're trying to say, what do we do? We say it again-louder. And if we still aren't getting the point across? We say it even LOUDER. And if we sense that the communication breakdown is total, we go all out and also repeat the words re slowly.
It rarely occurs to us to change the content of the message, reports Charles R. Berger, Ph.D., a professor of rhetoric and communication at the University of California Davis. Or to pause before speaking, so as to collect our thoughts clearly. Speaking slower and louder gives the illusion of effective communication, but it only works if the other person is hearing-impaired.
We do it, Berger finds, because voice-raising is the default option of the mind. Cognitively speaking, ft is the easiest fix to make.
It's all a matter of cognitive effort, Berger explains. His studies show that there are several options message-givers have when message-receivers don't understand. We arrange the options in a hierarchy according to how much cognitive effort each one takes. Altering the content of the message Is at the top of the list, altering details of the message is near the middle, and speech alterations are st the bottom.
Most of us zip right to the lower end of the hierarchy. But not only doesn't it get the message across any better, shouting also tends to raise our blood pressure.
When Berger had people give each other geographic directions, those on the receiving end who asked for clarification usually got the same directions thrown back at them, only louder. Very rarely did direction-givers change the route. When they did, the response took 8.3 seconds, versus the 3.3 seconds it took to answer only with a yell.
Do we pick up such patterns from early inter-actions with our parents, or does the frustration and anger at not being understood prompt us to shout.? This much Berger will say: It's probably not the latter. Speech rate usually goes up with anger, and it didn't in his study.

Psychology Today, Nov 92
Article ID: 1758

Tools for Anger Work-Out ~ Eliminating Passive Aggressiveness

2008-05-05T07:42:00.003+08:00

by http://www.coping.org/anger/passive.htm

What is passive aggressiveness?

I act in a passive aggressive way when I:

hide my hostility by seeming to be nice to someone I dislike, and am unable to be honest with the person.
say I agree with something but don't follow through because I really don't agree with it. act opposite to what others are expecting.
quietly manipulate to get my own way after voicing a completely different opinion, just to keep the peace.
seek revenge by agreeing and looking "good,'' but never following through on my promises. tell people what they want to hear, even if I don't believe in what I am saying.
try to please people by agreeing to their plan of action, yet actually doing the opposite.
act one way, which is true to my inner feelings, yet say another.
am out of touch with my inner feelings; the only way to know how I feel about something is to observe my behavior, don't trust my words.
hate something or someone but am afraid of letting my true feelings show.
feel pressured to act or believe in a certain way when I really don't want to.
avoid conflict at all cost by giving in to others, then procrastinate and never do what I agreed to do.
am angry but afraid to show my anger, so I quietly take my revenge by doing the opposite.
What are the typical reactions to my passive aggressiveness?
When people recognize my passive aggressiveness they:
are surprised.
get disappointed.
get angry.
are confused by my behavior.
confront me on my actions.
realize that I lied to them.
get frustrated by the inconsistency in my behavior.
begin to do battle with me, resulting in a conflict greater than the one I originally tried to avoid.
get upset and fly into a rage and this damages the relationship
no longer trust me.
resent me for being dishonest.
act in a similar way with me and our communication winds up at a standstill where neither of us "wins.''
feel challenged by me and in their competitive reaction become more adamant in seeking to achieve what I had originally verbally agreed to with them.
What irrational thinking keeps me being passive aggressive when I disagree with others?
I must avoid an argument, fight or conflict at all costs.
I never "win'' in confrontation.
There is no use in opposing them, they are much more powerful than I am.
I must please people by telling them what they want to hear.
I never get anywhere by showing my anger openly.
It's bad to get angry.
No one wants to know how I feel.
No one will understand how I feel.
My problems are unique; I need to hide them since no one would understand.
I am a loser and failure anyway; why try to defend my position?
I will never "win'' in this situation; why try?
I enjoy seeing people get blown away by my agreeing with them and then my doing the opposite of what I agreed to do.
I'd rather back down right away to minimize the damages a fight could bring rather than tell people how I really feel about things.
It's so hard to be honest with people about how I feel when what I feel is counter to what they want me to feel.
It's important for people to like and accept me and I say anything just so long as they like me.
It's not what I do or how I act that is important to people, it is what I say that influences them.
People will never know I'm angry and disagree with them.
I hide my feelings well from others.
Feelings don't count. It is better to deny my feelings than upset another person I am in disagreement with.
I'd rather lie than get into an argument with someone.
If I lie about how I feel, others will never know the truth.
How can I recognize when someone is being passive aggressive with me?
I can tell that people are being passive aggressive with me when they:
always agree with my point of view, even when I am being narrow minded or blind to other alternatives.
never disagree or argue with my point of view.
take every opportunity to "put me down'' in a humorous or sarcastic way.
never confront me with their negative feelings.
avoid discussions about unpleasant topics.
are always cheerful and upbeat to my face; yet I hear from others how negative they are about me behind my back.
"yes'' me constantly never disagreeing with anything I say.
consistently do the opposite of what I thought they agreed to do.
withdraw or pull away from me whenever I confront them with my anger or negative feelings about them.
deny that they have any problems with our relationship.
talk about others in a negative or disparaging way, yet are nice and friendly to their faces. demonstrate behavior inconsistent with their words.
make me feel foolish for expecting one thing from them when they deliver the opposite.
make me believe I can count on them to do something for me but they never follow through.
talk with fantasy and magical thinking about how they are going to change, yet the change never occurs.
show a consistent pattern of exerting no effort toward improving our relationship.
talk or act irrationally in dealing with a problem, as if it were very easy to overcome and correct.
minimize the extent of the problems facing us in our relationship.
tend to patronize me and try to make me believe that I am just imagining problems between us.
continue to deny that a problem exists when all the evidence points to the opposite.
How can I confront a passive aggressive person?
If others are being passive aggressive with me I can:
point out the behavior that indicates passive aggressiveness on their part.
point out the inconsistency between their words and actions.
pay attention to their actions rather than their words, then give them feedback as to what their actions tell me about their feelings.
ask for their true feelings reassuring them that there are no right or wrong feelings, and that it is OK to share negative feelings.
ask them what has them so intimidated that they fear sharing their feelings with me.
reassure them that we can reach a "win-win'' solution in our communication if we are willing to compromise.
defuse the competition in our relationship. It doesn't matter "what'' we are discussing as long as we respect how each of us "feels'' about what we are discussing.
remain open to any negative feelings they have and let them know this.
begin to trust what they "do'' rather than what they "say'' and let them know that I am doing this.
make myself more accessible to them.
help them lessen their fear of rejection from me by reassuring them that I really do care.
If I find myself being passive aggressive, how can I correct this?
To avoid being passive aggressive with others I can:

try to be assertive, open, and honest with my negative feelings or anger.
warn people to "read'' my behavior rather than my words if they want to know my feelings.
confront myself with my inconsistent behavior and challenge myself to explain it.
take the risk to confront my anger assertively and "on the spot'' so that I can bring my behavior in line with my feelings.
work at making my behavior consistent with my feelings.
change the way I interact with people and make my relationships more honest.
admit that I have been a liar.
work at being more honest with people even if it results in a conflict.
identify the irrational thinking that prevents me from confronting people when I am angry.
learn how to become assertive with my negative feelings.
accept that it is OK to have conflict and disagreement.
learn to compromise and come to a ``win-win'' solution.

Why is it useful to eliminate my acting passive aggressive?

By eliminating passive aggressiveness when I am angry I could:

have deeper, more honest, and longer lasting relationships.
feel less stress, anxiety and depression in my dealings with others.
learn to be clear and consistent about my feelings.
reassure others that they will no longer have to guess how I "really feel.''
stop resorting to lies about my feelings.
develop self-respect, self-confidence, self-esteem, and self-worth.
have more energy because I would no longer be defending myself from ``powerful, intimidating'' people.
have clarity of focus and purpose, working on the things I want rather than what others want for me.
have fewer people venting their rage on me.
experience a sense of harmony in my life.
Steps to eliminating being passive aggressive
Step 1: First, I must begin to recognize this behavior when it occurs. To do this, I will answer the following questions in my journal:
A. What is my usual response when I disagree with someone who intimidates me?
B. How do I feel when I am angry or upset with someone who intimidates me?
C. How often do I agree with these people rather than confront them just to avoid conflict?
D. What benefits do I derive by avoiding confrontation?
E. What are my feelings after I have backed down from someone who intimidates me?
F. From whom have I backed down? How successful was this? How often did I go ahead with what I had planned, ignoring what these people wanted me to do? What usually resulted from my failure to follow through with my part of the plan?
G. What do I do now after I've backed down from a disagreement? Am I still passive aggressive? How can I tell? What are the results? How often does this happen?
H. Under what circumstances do I resort to passive aggressiveness?
I. What is involved in these situations? Why do I resort to passive aggressiveness?
J. What are the negative results of my passive aggressiveness?
Step 2: If I find that I am resorting to passive aggressiveness, then I need help to recognize the negative impact it has in my life. To do this I will record the following exercise in my journal.
My Passive Aggressive Ways
Write a story about five separate incidents during which I acted passive aggressive. In each story, detail:
When it happened.
With whom it happened.
What I was angry about or over what we disagreed.
Why I was intimidated.
What I did later to show I was being passive aggressive.
The reasons I acted the way I did.
How others reacted to my passive aggressive behaviors.
How others confronted me on how I was acting.
What they told me about my behavior and how they felt about it.
The final outcome of the situation.
Step 3: I am now ready to confront my past passive aggressiveness and ways I could change it. Complete the following exercise:
The Other Side of the Story
Write a sequel to each of the five stories from Step 2. In each sequel include:
What I did differently when I first recognized that I was angry or had negative feelings.
How I honestly confronted my feelings as being different from my behavior.
How I made sure that my actions were consistent with my expressed feelings.
How I gave others permission to "call me on it'' if I deviated from my expressed feelings.
How others handle my being assertive with my anger and/or negative feelings.
How we resolved the conflict or disagreement that resulted.
The impact this confrontation had on our relationship.
How the stress and anxiety of intimidation and power games was eliminated from our relationship.
How I felt about learning to handle my anger and/or disagreements in a healthy way.
The benefits of my being direct and assertive in confronting my anger and/or negative feelings with others.
Step 4: Once I've been able to rewrite my passive aggressive behavioral script, I need to apply it. Whenever I am angry or in disagreement with someone, I will strive to follow these tips:
Tips to Overcoming being Passive Aggressive

Tip 1: Tell the person immediately how I am feeling, even if I am angry or in disagreement.
Tip 2: Allow the other to express feelings openly as well.
Tip 3: Ask the other to allow for a compromise ``win win'' solution.
Tip 4: Ventilate feelings, then jointly brainstorm solutions.
Tip 5: Arrive at a solution in which we both "win.''
Tip 6: Act on solutions in which we both "win.".
Tip 7: Make sure my actions are consistent with the agreement.
Tip 8: Make sure my behavior is consistent with my feelings and what I said in the agreement.
Tip 9: Give the other person permission to point out when my behavior deviates from our agreement.
Tip 10: Monitor my emotions and renegotiate our solution if they aren't consistent with our compromise.
Tip 11: Let the other know if I get upset over the compromise with no masking of my feelings.
Tip 12: Confront intimidation openly and honestly.
Tip 13: Ensure that our relationship is based on honesty.
Tip 14: Accept the uniqueness and individuality of others, allowing each of us to be ourselves.

Step 5: If I find I am still resorting to passive aggressiveness then I need to return to Step 1, and begin again

Five keys to stay in love

2008-05-05T07:37:00.001+08:00

These attitudes and behaviors form five keys that unlock the mystery of staying in love.

Key 1: Create safety, both physically and emotionally.

Each partner in a loving relationship lets the other express him or herself without fearing physical or mental punishment. The partners follow the motto “My loved one has a right to be truly themselves, even when that differs from me.” This motto lets each partner know that he or she is honored and valued by the other as a separate person.

Key 2: Handle conflict through good communication.

Stanford University professor Paul Watzlavick says, “Without conflict, there is no relationship.” That’s because you and your partner are distinct individuals who will always have differences. And differences invariably lead to some sort of conflict. But conflict doesn’t have to lead to fighting.

There are certain rules for good conflict management. Among them:

Make appointments to argue. When you get angry — and feel that you have a legitimate reason to express it — don’t just dump on the other person. Continually doing that eventually leads one of the partners to avoid conflict by leaving. Instead, ask permission to talk with the other person about the thing you’re angry about. If the person is genuinely not able to do it at that very moment, they should suggest another time, preferably within 24 hours.

When arguing, follow certain guidelines for expressing yourself. Be specific, and stay on the topic. When you have a gripe, come prepared with a suggestion to rectify the problem.

Describe the behavior that you are upset about. Statements like, “You are so sloppy!” are more effectively expressed as, “When you don’t pick up after yourself, I feel … (complete the sentence with an emotion).” Starting your sentences with “I feel …” removes judgments from the conversation and helps the listener hear you better.

Key 3: Help your mate to open up again if he or she acts closed to talking to you.
Practice the following four behaviors and your mate will open up like a flower — even if it may be only one petal at a time.

1. Become soft and tender with the person.
The first step is to become soft in your mind and spirit. Lower your voice and relax your facial expressions. This reflects honor and humility. And as Proverbs 15:1 suggests, “A gentle answer turns away anger …” Incidentally, wives, if your husband is not affectionate, remind yourself of this secret: If you want affection, be affectionate. Whatever you are looking for, become that and you will have a better chance of receiving it.

2. Understand as much as possible what your loved one has endured.
It is important to genuinely understand the pain your partner feels and why he or she considers your behavior offensive. Ask for your partner’s interpretation of what happened. The goal is to listen and understand what your mate is feeling. During this period, resist defending yourself, lecturing or questioning why he or she did or did not do something.

3. Acknowledge that your loved one has been wounded.
Then admit any wrong or unloving act you might have committed to provoke that hurt. And take ownership of the behavior your partner took issue with. A mate feels valuable when he or she hears you admit your mistake, and sees that you understand how he or she feels. Sometimes this is all it takes to open a closed spirit.

4. Seek forgiveness — and wait for a response.
This gives your partner an opportunity to respond to your confession. You’ll know true restoration has occurred when forgiveness is granted and he or she lets you touch them. Conversely, it’s important for the person being asked for forgiveness to forgive the one who apologized. Key 4: Communicate to create intimacy. Intimacy (which can be read as “into me see”) is defined as “relating to or indicative of one’s deepest nature.” Communication is a couple’s most potent tool to encourage intimacy. Follow three steps to improve communication: Mirroring, validation and empathizing.

Mirroring is a process of accurately reflecting back the content of a message. It’s done by repeating back to the speaker what you heard them say. Begin the mirror by saying something like, “If I got it correctly, you said …” If your partner agrees you got it correctly, then go to the next step. If he or she says you got it wrong or missed something, then ask him or her to say it again, perhaps in different words — and continue mirroring until you get it right.

Validation means you’re letting your partner know they make sense. You’re setting aside your own frame of reference and appreciating the logic, reality and worth of your partner within his or her frame of reference. By truthfully saying “You make sense” and explaining why they make sense, you send a message that your partner’s way of looking at things is valid, from their perspective. By validating, you’re not necessarily agreeing with your partner. You’re simply showing that you understand where your partner is coming from.

Empathizing is a process of recognizing the feelings of the other person while he or she is expressing a point of view or telling a story. It is typically accomplished by reflecting and imagining the feelings the other person is expressing. For example, you might say: “I hear your disappointment, and I can imagine you might also feel sad about that. Is that what you’re feeling?” Your partner may then say yes, and you can let them know that after listening to them, you genuinely feel their sadness. Or your partner might say no. If this happens, give them a chance to say how they really feel so you can truly understand and empathize with their feelings. When you engage in this type of dialogue with your partner, you understand him or her and, at least for a moment, you see the world through their eyes. A beneficial result is that trust and closeness between you will grow.

An important rule to remember throughout this dialogue process: Don’t interrupt the speaker.

Key 5: Practice Gratitude.
Each day, make a mental list of what you appreciate about your mate — and let them know what you appreciate. Look at what they’re doing and thank them on the spot, whenever possible.

Touching them while expressing thanks makes the verbal affirmation even more powerful.
Using these five keys will help keep your relationship fresh, alive and growing.

20 Do's & Don'ts of a Functional Relationship

2008-05-05T07:36:00.000+08:00

How to attract emotionally healthy people

1. Who you think you are is important. Like attracts like. Think about it. Do you like who you are?

2. What you want in a relationship is important, and when you are willing to ask for it, you will be able to create it. But only ask for what you want when you are clear about what it is. Until then, don’t go around demanding things you just think you should have.

3. We get exactly what we focus on. The problem or the solution. We make a choice between them with every decision we make.

4. Tell yourself the truth about what you want, not what others (family, friends, spouse) say you should have.

5. Tell everyone else your truth about what you want. Don’t be afraid to share your vision and dreams with those you love.

6. You are not defined by your relationships unless you choose to be. Consider what it says about you if you deed over you soul to one (partner/relationship).

7. Interdependent (two independent functional people) relationships are the only ones that work, long term. (Not dependant or co-dependant)

8. Truth is the first thing necessary to create trust in our relationships. Respect is earned from trust, and love is earned from respect. Intimacy is the gift we get when we risk telling the truth. * See the hierarchy of a functional relationship

9. Fear of intimacy is fear of the truth. Your truth is better for you than someone else's. Just get to know what it is, so you can finally own it, and speak it.

10. If your relationship is not getting better, it is probable getting worse. Life is dynamic and nothing ever stays the same.

11. Every relationship is unique. It takes what it takes to work. If you want it to work, you have to work it. No shortcuts. No 50/50 deals.

12. It is not your job to fix your mate, and it is not his or her job to fix you. Take this relationship and what your mate says at face value and stop reading into it what you’d like to hear. We can work with what’s real. It is impossible to deal with what’s not real.

13. Unconditional love is an inside job. If you haven’t gotten it by now, guess what...start working from within. When you can give it to yourself, you will be ready to give it to someone else. If you can give it to someone else, you will recognize it when it is being given to you. Joy can only be experienced in the present moment.

14. If you both are committed to creating a functional relationship, agree to start doing it today, without any judgments about the past. Be willing to work in the solution and let go of your need to control the outcome, moment to moment, one day at a time

15. Most of our fears about what may happen in this relationship are really fears we experienced in past relationships, and have nothing to do with this person. Come to grips with what's real and what's Memorex! .

16. When in an argument, ask yourself Does this really PASS THE SO WHAT TEST? For you to be right does the other person have to be wrong? Think about it. Life is short. Do not waste it on arguments that have no meaning or purpose. You can always agree to disagree if you need to. Then laugh about it, and go on to the next thing. Start observing your need to argue as just another dysfunctional, immature habit that needs to be broken.

17. When we finally learn to say we are sorry (at 3 or 93), we get to finally hear we are O.K. To error is human, and there is great virtue in all forgiveness, ourselves included. The best way to teach our children this lesson is by watching us demonstrates it.

18. Any negative, hurtful or sarcastic remark is abusive. Like a sharp knife, each word will carve out a chunk of a loving relationship that can never grow back. Please consider the source and outcome of your remarks; before you open you mouth to tell your truth.

19. Never let a day go by without saying and showing how much your relationship and partner mean to you. Never take a moment for granted. Express how grateful you are for your good fortune, however meek or humble it may be. Appreciation and gratefulness have magic in them. It seems the more we express them, the more reasons we are given to say thank you.

20. To have a functional relationship you have to be willing to risk loosing it everyday, by telling your truth. If you don't feel free to tell your truth, start asking yourself why you think it's so important to stay, and what else you are willing to lose besides your self-esteem. …. For starters, you can ask your mate to tell their truth, and be willing to accept it at face value, with no judgment. Now you both get to finally know if you each want a relationship based on what's real for each of you....For optimum results, start doing this in the first five minutes of meeting anyone.

Embracing the Fear of Failure

2007-01-19T14:52:00.001+08:00

Breaking out of your comfort zone and facing your mistakes can lead to innovation and stronger relationships.

by Carlin Flora

"He who never makes mistakes, never makes anything," goes an English Proverb.

Unless we learn to embrace failure (whether it's led by an unavoidable mishap, a moral lapse, or a risk miscalculated), we remain snugly tucked inside our comfort zone. The pressure to be perfect leaves us tip-toeing around family members or coasting on automatic pilot at work, feeling safe but stagnated-and not quite alive.

From vaccines to Velcro, many inventions were spawned from accidents, seeming failures. But when Fiona Lee, psychology and business professor at the University of Michigan, explored which conditions help people experiment with novel ideas, she uncovered an interesting phenomenon: "Managers talk a lot about innovation and being on the cutting edge, but on an individual level, many people are not willing to try new things."

What's holding us back? A fear of failure.

"Corporate America has very little tolerance for failure," Lee reports. Compensation is typically based on tasks well-done, not spectacular (and costly) failures that could eventually produce breakthroughs.

Bosses preach innovation, and yet they hover over workers, poised to slap wrists. Lee's study concluded that rewarding employees who repeatedly try new things and fail leads to more innovation and more long-term success. But the more prevalent mixed-message style of management has employees so scared and rigid that they innovate less than they would have if their bosses had never uttered the word at all.

Even if environmental conditions allow for high failure tolerance, some people will take setbacks to heart instead of to mind. Such people let a disappointment seep into their sense of self like a poison.

University of Washington psychologist Jonathon Brown found that those lacking self-esteem overgeneralize their failures to conclude that they are just plain less intelligent and less competent than others. Paradoxically, the best way to build self-esteem is to take action after falling down, to build a reserve of personal efficacy.

Blunders are a necessary component of relationships, too. What's important is how they are handled. Top marriage researcher John Gottman has famously figured out how to predict divorce by observing couples' interactions. He found that it's not how many arguments that foretells an impending split, but rather whether a couple can effectively repair ties in the aftermath of a disagreement.

Everyone messes up. It's the ability to say "I'm sorry" and to fix the relationships that count.

Buying into the myth of the perfect marriage can encourage couples to avoid conflict. But that renders them devastated when problems inevitably arise. "Look at the craziness of what we spend on weddings to try to make something spotless and flawless to start off the relationship," says Atlanta psychiatrist Frank Pittman.

"And yet, you can be sure there will be a good fight and bad sex within 24 hours." Pittman says that rather than working to achieve romantic perfection, people must learn to survive reality together. "A married couple that has never had a fight has missed having to examine themselves, to recognize their own foolishness, to expose their shortcomings and realize that they can be loved anyway."

Even dramatic missteps such as infidelity can forge a stronger union. While Pittman doesn't recommend someone go out and have an affair just to shake things up, he insists that once an adulterer has confessed and the affair is over, a great opportunity lies for each partner to discover the real person behind the facade.

Children, too, need to be given some rope to ensure they fail. The teenager whose mother doesn't let him oversleep and face the consequences of arriving late to school misses a lesson in responsible behavior.

And his mom denies herself the joys of messiness: "I occasionally see people whose children have never gotten into trouble-and they missed the experience of child-raising," says Pittman.

Perhaps in every realm of life, we should not merely accept failure, but actively go out of our way to fail. Then if we do, we can chalk it up as a success.

FEAR

2007-01-19T14:42:00.001+08:00

The following excerpt is from the self helppsychology book, Be Your Own Therapist.

Fear plays an essential role in nearly all our psychological problems. Whenever trauma knots get triggered by our thoughts or by life events, fear arises. For it was fear of fully experiencing the original traumas that caused them originally to be tied in knots. Stress is fear.

Fear shows itself in a multiplicity of ways. Those who were not loved will often sabotage their close relationships because of fear of being loved. Those who couldn't ask their parents for love will fear doing so with their current partners.

Those who were trained to be tough will be afraid of signs of weakness (weakness according to their definition). Those who learned to be afraid of anger will often have fearful rationales for their avoidance of anger. Phobias, anxieties and depression are symptoms that often have significant roots in fear. Whatever trauma knots you have not resolved will cause you fear (i.e., stress).

The average two-year-old is a great beacon for emotional health, displaying a full range of emotions and moving beyond them once they are expressed.

Often we deny the fear, switching instantaneously to anger, addiction, depression, or other favorite dodges. It is often an important first step just to recognize the fear as fear. The process of change can then start, for one can examine the situation more rationally to see if fear is warranted. Perhaps something different next time can be experienced instead of getting locked in the fear. Much fear is fear acquired as a child, which frequently may be discarded once it is in full conscious awareness. If it cannot be discarded, then examining the relevant trauma knots may be required.

There are many available self-help books with the word fear in their titles. They can be most valuable, for almost all therapy problems have some roots in fear. Some of these books suggest turning fear into love. Some suggest facing the fear. Another prescription is to act counterphobically (doing what one fears). When you are in your favorite bookstore, I suggest perusing the self-help aisle. If one of the available books appeals to you, it will probably be right for you.

Emotionally Healthy Adults (with respect to fear)1. are not fearful or anxious for other than brief periods of time.2. will experience fear (or anger) if physically threatened. (This is the natural fight/ flight response.)3. are able to confront and change their fear-causing beliefs to happier beliefs. Thus, they do not get stuck in stress.4. are often capable of appropriate action, despite high levels of fear.

Few of us achieve the above, yet wouldn't you be happier if you could? Perhaps one of the above possibilities could be a long term goal for you.

There are several so-called emotions that are inherently stuck. Feel them and you stay in them. They remain around forever, unless the real truths beneath them are felt. Some inherently stuck feelings are: guilt, jealousy, depression, humiliation, shame and degradation. Feeling them for any longer than it is necessary to recognize them is not productive. Be on the lookout behind these stuck feelings for other unwanted feelings (such as childhood hurt, love, fear, rage or grief) which, if felt, could help change the immobility.

The ultimate in personal responsibility: "If I am unhappy in any way, I need to change myself."

It is often but not always true that: (1)guilt indicates repressed anger at early parenting figures, (2)jealousy indicates a fear of loss of early parenting figures, (3)depression indicates repression of difficult feelings, and (4)humiliation, shame and degradation indicate difficulties with self-esteem (or with judging others if others are judged as humiliated, shamed or degraded). It is suggested that you use this paragraph as a likely starting point for exploration of your own stuck emotions.

We see skewed (i.e. twisted, neurotic, off-target, etc.) emotional expression everywhere and rarely label it as such. (By so labeling it, this may prove to be a most unpopular paragraph.) Hurt feelings that keep on happening over and over can be labeled skewed, neurotic or off-base. Guilt, shame or jealousy that keeps persisting is evidence that e-motions are blocked and unwilling to be faced. For adults, nearly all adult anger in the present at politicians, spouses, children, neighbors and favorite targets is skewed. Tears that don't stop imply skewness.

Why so much skewed emotional expression? The reason is that 97% of us learned in our growing-up years to stuff one or more of our emotions (causing trauma knots as described in Chapter 3). Stuffed emotions are remembered by our bodies and our unconscious minds, and they act like internal irritants. They keep grating on us, keep causing us anxiety and keep leading us into addictive situations in which we can discharge the irritating energy in a skewed fashion. A skewed discharge reduces our anxiety, although temporarily. A discharge of most of the important emotions of the original trauma knot, on the other hand, usually eliminates the knot.

Emotionally healthy adults, with respect to anger, are comfortable with anger and hatred, their own and others.

How can you tell what the truth is behind the skewness? There are some tendencies that are useful to know. If your anger or sadness is skewed, the most likely place to look for the truth is your own kid anger or kid sadness associated with your unexplored childhood traumas. If you perceive your guilt to be skewed, then childhood anger is the most likely culprit. Skewed expression of love most commonly starts in one's youth with skewed or absent parental expressions of love. These are all just likelihoods. We can and do use skewed love in the present to compensate for stuffed anger in our past. We use guilt and shame to compensate for stuffed love in our past. We can use almost any emotion as skewed compensation for another. Our feelings of relief in such circumstances, however, will be temporary.

The often lengthy process of discovering and experiencing your own emotional truths will provide permanent relief. (That does not imply you need be unhappy for much of that time or that the process necessarily will take up huge blocks of your time.) It does mean that there will be moments of difficulty, moments of stress, and moments of pain. If one learns to e-mote in a non-skewed way, however, then these will be moments of difficulty, instead of continuous difficulty. If one keeps on stuffing the emotion(s), then the resultant stress will be ever present. To that I say, "No thanks!".

For maximum happiness, contentment and inner peace, we need all our emotions, not just the pleasant ones.

The Fear of Success

2007-01-19T14:34:00.001+08:00

Lasting Change-Succeeding Beyond Your Fears of Success. Discusses strategies for accomplishing goals through visualization, why success brings fear and how to overcome the issues that accompany accomplishment.

by Hara Estroff Marano

Achieving lasting change, and getting what you reallywant in life, takes a sustained vision of the future. That vision serves not just as an ongoing source of motivation to get there, it helps you identify and tackle the obstacles that have held you back until now.

These include fear of failure, such as doubts about your own worthiness for success, which we tackled in an earlier article in this series. And if you're like most people, they also involve fear of achieving the very things you want.

"The fear of success is a very unique issue that arises when you are genuinely creating change and moving forward in your life," says Ti Caine, a hypnotherapist and life coach based in Sherman Oaks, California. "The fear of success is very real because the future is real-we're all heading there-and what we imagine for our future has an enormous influence on us."

Yet, we are clueless how to deal with fears of success, Caine insists, because they're in the future and we don't know how to work on the future. "Our culture is focused on fixing the past. It's as if we are driving through life staring in the rear-view mirror." Caine has developed a technique he calls FutureVisioning to provide people with an alternative, that is, a system for creating a detailed picture of the future they want to achieve.

To create and sustain success it is essential to find and release your fears of success. The more you leave the task undone, the more your fears will control you. "it's the monster in the closet," says Caine. "And it gets bigger."

Fears of success tend to cluster around several issues. One of the core fears that arise from change is that success will lead to loneliness. Women especially fear success because they are afraid that being powerful enough to create the life they want will render them unlovable. Sometimes people fear success will mean being attacked by enemies, or besieged by others wanting money or other things from them.

Many women fear success at losing weight because becoming more attractive to others could jeopardize the love and the life they have or create situations they do not know how to handle.

Some fears of success are easy to release because they will probably never happen, such as fears of losing it all and becoming a bag lady. But some are real. When you change, the relationships around you will be forced to change. Some friends will always cheer you on. But others are steeped in jealousy and will denigrate you for moving forward.

"All fears of success would go away if you totally took your power back," says Caine. "In fact, our very deepest fear is that when we really reclaim our power and succeed, we have to face the knowledge that we have always been powerful to change all along and that we could have changed a year or five or 10 years ago." Change comes from choice and we have always had that power.

Then you come face to face with the realization that we caused unnecessary suffering to ourselves and others along the way by our failure to change. And that suffering is not a necessary part of life.

The common denominator to every problem in your life is: you were there when it happened. The pain of the realization that you have been powerful all along can be healed only by forgiving yourself. "If you don't know how to forgive yourself, that forgiveness doesn't come from the outside but from the inside, then you can't create empowered success," insists Caine.

Forgiving yourself as a conscious act leads to a sense of completion. Then you can move on and not act out your failure over and over again.

You need to understand why you held onto being powerless for so long. There are payoffs for holding onto less-than-successful realities and failing to change, real secondary gains to be had, Caine points out. Some fundamental questions can help you understand why; the biggies is, What do I hope to get out of pretending to be powerless?

• What do I get to avoid?
• Who do I get to punish or love?
• What emotion am I not willing to release? For many it is anger.
• What guarantee am I holding out for?
• Am I manipulating with self-pity?
• Am I feeling better than or less than?
• What am I afraid of losing if I succeed?

Once you identify your fears and undersant why you he ld onto them, then you can forogive yourself. You can release your fears either by visualizing your fear coming true in the future, then creatively destroying it in your imagination. Or you can write out your fears and destroy the paper.

Then play out the movie of your successful future in your imagination-and you are on your way to a successful life.

8 Steps to Making the Right Life Decisions at the Right Times

2007-01-05T11:28:00.001+08:00

Excerpted from Crunch Time by Ken Lindner

The career coach to America's biggest media names reveals powerful, motivating, and highly-effective Strategies for achieving your goals by making the very most out of every decision-making opportunity.

For more than a decade, Ken Lindner has built a reputation as one of broadcast journalism's most successful talent agents and career counselors. He's learned that even everyday decisions have the power to become crucial turning points in life, and in Crunch Time he reveals the eight foolproof Steps to making constructive and self-enhancing decisions and the specific Strategies to make it happen. What separates those individuals who achieve their goals and realize their dreams from those who don't, Ken explains, is the process by which the achievers reach their decisions.

With fascinating case studies, Lindner illustrates how to tap into our most heartfelt values and important goals, so that we will inevitably be led to make positive, constructive, and self- enhancing decisions. Infused with Ken's trademark enthusiasm and ability to inspire, this is the ultimate beacon for every defining moment, in business and in life.

I have devoted my professional and personal lives to enabling people to fulfill their potential, by giving them the tools to make wise, constructive, and self-enhancing decisions. It gives me incredible satisfaction to see the individuals with whom I've worked and/or coached enhance themselves and others by thinking and acting in constructive ways, so that they not only achieve their most cherished goals, but also develop valid, positive self-esteem in the process. And, as you will glean from what follows, the process or manner in which you reach your decisions is vitally important to your psychological and emotional well-being.

There is no question that one of my good fortunes is that I have been able to identify talented individuals, early in their careers, and secure their representation. However, I have observed over and over again that talent alone is merely unrealized potential. Attaining sustained success in any endeavor takes more than just talent, ability, or heartfelt dreams - it requires rock-solid decision-making skills, based upon constructive and self-enhancing decision-making strategies.

I was blessed, as a late-blooming child, to have loving parents - especially a mother - who believed in me, effectively counseled me, and never made me feel "less than." As a result of this support, my extensive athletic endeavors, and the creation and implementation of my Crunch Time Decision-Making Strategies, I have grown to be much happier and have achieved many of my goals and dreams. Due in large part to this good feeling and success, my life mission is to believe in and counsel others, so that they can achieve their most precious goals and develop legitimate high self-esteem.

In the film Dead Poets Society, prep-school teacher John Keating, portrayed by Robin Williams, shares the following thought about life with his students:

The powerful play goes on and you may contribute a verse. What will that verse be? What you are about to read in Crunch Time is the heart and soul of my life's work and verse. I believe that if you take the time to reflect upon and absorb the material herein, it can and will make a very positive difference in how you write the future verses of your life's play.

Decisions and Decision-Making: An Overview

The keys to attaining your goals, fulfilling your dreams, and achieving inner happiness are:

Making Constructive and Enhancing Decisions and Thereafter Acting Consistently with These Decisionsfor as Long as They Remain Constructive and Enhancing

Every day, we're faced with all sorts of issues, choices, and decisions that affect our lives to varying degrees. Some decisions will change our lives forever. In some cases, just a few critical decisions can make a world of difference in a person's life. Other decisions are less profound, but still have an important impact on whether we eventually achieve our large and small goals. The act of making constructive decisions and doing positive things for ourselves makes us feel good about ourselves. This good feeling, in turn, propels and catalyzes us to do more and more enhancing things for ourselves. Conversely, destructive and self-sabotaging decision-making and behavior diminish the quality of our lives and - in our Heart-of-Hearts - make us feel bad about ourselves. Therefore, it behooves you to strive to rid yourself of unhealthy decision-making strategies and to develop, modify, and keep the enhancing ones, in order to become the wisest decision-maker you can be and thereby fulfill your positive potential.

You are the result of your decisions! The state of your life and your inner happiness, in large part, are reflections of your decisions. Your decisions are your very precious opportunities - each and every one of them - to either raise the quality of your life and the lives of those around you, or to lower the quality. They are your wonderful chances - your everyday gifts - all there for the taking, to seize your "gold-ring" (forget the brass stuff!) dreams.

There is no question in my mind that what separates those individuals who achieve their goals and realize their most cherished dreams from those who don't is the process by which the achievers reach their decisions.

During my twenty years as a career counselor and choreographer, I've worked with scores of individuals who have learned to think through and deal with things constructively. Not surprisingly, a great majority of them have achieved the highest pinnacles of success. Interestingly, a number of these successful people have achieved even more than their natural talent might indicate that they could. (I am one of them.) Their constructive mind-sets and strategies enabled and empowered them to become super- or overachievers. For instance, I would argue that tennis great Chris Evert didn't possess some of the physical strength or natural athletic gifts that some of her competitors enjoyed. She didn't have anything resembling a powerful serve and she rarely came to the net to volley, yet she dominated women's tennis for years. Why? Because she was so mentally and emotionally strong and constructive. On the other hand, I know far too many people who have undermined themselves through their destructive decision-making and thought processes. As a result, time after time, they experience crushing defeats, because without constructive and effective decision-making skills and strategies, even the most brilliant talent can be wasted. Not only do these often supremely gifted individuals never come close to fulfilling their potential, and therefore fail to taste the sweet, high-self-esteem fruits of well-made decisions, but in many instances, they also destroy significant portions of their own lives and the lives of those around them.

Let's take a moment to compare the following words:

Enhancing vs. Sabotaging
Fulfilled vs. Empty
Constructive vs. Destructive
Positive vs. Negative
Healthy vs. Toxic
Proactive vs. Victim
Successful vs. Failure

How do you want to describe yourself, your decisions, and your decision-making processes?

I'm sure that if you're reading this book, you'd probably choose the left-hand column. Yet as sure as death follows life, we all engage in some amount of diminishing, destructive, and toxic decision-making.

No one in this world is perfect. The key is to become the very best decision-maker you can. My mom once shared the following thought with me: "I'd rather strive for perfection and fall short, then strive for mediocrity and attain it." Smart person, my mom!

Let's strive to be the best we can be. Constructive decision-making can be simple. You just have to want to learn, want to grow, and want to lift the quality of your life.

Ever since I became a career counselor, I've been stunned by how often bright and talented individuals make self-destructive and self-sabotaging decisions. It's absolutely amazing, and a profoundly sad reality.

I see examples of poisonous decision-making throughout my day. Witness the fact that so many people: stay in relationships that are diminishing and emotionally and/or psychologically toxic; smoke cigarettes, even though there is clear evidence that smoking is deadly to themselves and to others in the vicinity; take recreational drugs, such as heroin, crack, cocaine, etc., when they know that they are risking their health; overeat to an unhealthy extent or to the point of obesity; consume alcohol in dangerous amounts and/or drink and drive; have unprotected sex in this era of AIDS; and, most of all, engage in activities that they, in their Heart-of-Hearts, know are destructive and dangerous to the emotional, psychological, and physical well-being of themselves and valued others.

Destructive decision-making and self-sabotage are all around us. For example, is there a more blatant illustration of self-destructive behavior than the Kobe Bryant case? Kobe seemed to have everything going for him. He is a top professional basketball player; he earns millions of dollars a year in salary and more than ten times that in product endorsements; he has a beautiful young wife and a new child; and he was one of the most respected and beloved athletes of our time. For some reason, however, he made a decision that put all this at risk, for what appears to be an hour or so of physical pleasure. To the general observer, Kobe was "crazy" to have sex with the woman, regardless of consent. But I must tell you, Kobe Bryant is no different from any of us. At times, we all make flawed and self-destructive decisions - especially when our emotions come into play. The difference between Kobe and almost everyone else is that Kobe's destructive decision-making is front and center in the public spotlight, and his humiliation, potential losses, and fall from grace have been, and will be, far more dramatic than most.

What is especially interesting about Kobe is that in some areas of his life, such as his basketball endeavors, he has learned through focused practice and well-thought-out preparation to make excellent reflexive decisions. He knows when and how to dribble the ball past defenders and drive to the basket for a dunk or a layup, when to stop and shoot a jump shot, etc. Through focused practice and preparation, he has attained almost thorough mastery and control of his mental, emotional, and physical skills on the basketball court. However, when certain personal emotions, emotional weaknesses, needs, and/or temptations were involved or triggered - which he had not taken the requisite time to prepare to deal with constructively - Kobe, like all of us at one time or another, seemingly reacted thoughtlessly and reflexively by making a devastatingly destructive and self-sabotaging decision. Part of the problem is that when we're faced with important decisions, we often have little or no time to think things through objectively, in order to reach the most constructive short- and long-term decisions.

It has been my experience that the primary key to self-enhancing decision-making is to be mentally, emotionally, and psychologically prepared when decisions are required. This is especially true when the situation is triggered by particular emotions, needs, or cravings. Very often, we make bad decisions because we do not prepare ourselves, in advance, to deal with the possible, or probable, opportunities, issues, temptations, etc., that are likely to come our way.

Crunch Time provides you with the thought processes, the skills, and the Crunch Time Steps and Strategies that will prepare and empower you to make great personal and professional decisions. Equipped with this material, you can change and lift the quality of your life in the most wonderful and self-enhancing way, by making decisions that will enable you to fulfill your positive potential, achieve your dreams, and allow you to feel good - and often great - about yourself. These positive feelings, in turn, will motivate and fuel you to make more and more self-enhancing decisions. Why? Because you'll feel that you're worth it. And you most certainly are.

Just start making some self-enhancing decisions, and see how good you feel about yourself and your ability and power to constructively change and improve the quality of your life.

Before We Begin

At the beginning of our journey together, it's important to recognize and remember that should some of the ensuing material seem familiar or repetitious, don't fret. Many of us have at some time in our lives been to places where for some reason, we've not seen all there was to see or learned all there was to learn. Then again, sometimes seeing familiar things, situations, or individuals from another vantage point, in another context, or at a later time, can often be quite different and illuminating. Actually, it might not be until perhaps the second or third time around that we are truly ready and able to more fully appreciate someone or something for their previously overlooked real qualities and virtues. Therefore, throughout our trip together, we will utilize some familiar material as a reminder - in essence a refresher course - to help you get on, or back on, the right decision-making track.

Throughout my career, I have been exposed to many formulas for personal change and growth that rely upon the Band-Aid approach of simply changing our attitudes and our facades. In today's world of quick fixes and superficial solutions, these theories can appear very attractive. And they may work - when things are going well. But when crises hit, deep conflicts occur, and tough choices need to be made, these matchstick foundations often fall apart, our positive facades fade or crumble, and we tend to revert back to our old, reflexive, ineffective decision-making processes and strategies for dealing with problems. All of our resolve and resolutions go - as Paul Simon sang - "slip sliding away." The reason is: Formulas that change only facades basically focus upon changing the symptoms of our problems; they don't deal with and eradicate or alleviate their causes. We can't cure cancer with a spray of Bactine and a nice bandage. Deeper explorations and more intricate procedures and remedies are required.

Additionally, there are many self-help theories that deal exclusively and/or primarily with cerebral/cognitive solutions to behavioral problems. Therefore, they don't sufficiently deal with the all-important emotional aspects of the decision-making equation. As a result, these theories often fall short, because, as we all know, our emotions often override our better judgment. Crunch Time focuses on both the cerebral and the emotional components of decision-making and behavior. The material presented herein acknowledges the awesome influence that our emotions can have on our decision-making. However, through various anticipatory, preparatory, and destructive-emotion nullifying steps, the powerful force of negative emotions that often lead us to reach self-destructive decisions can be counteracted or vitiated.

If we are to lead healthier, more constructively productive lives, and make them great; if we are to come close to fulfilling our true potential; and if we are to achieve our most cherished and precious goals, we must go to the heart of our problems, and understand them and deal with them. We must reevaluate and rebuild our decision-making foundations and processes, and solidly reinforce them with the "internal goods" that will actually allow us to attain our goals and fulfill our dreams, and continue to enjoy them over time.

The means by which we can take constructive ownership of our lives lies in how we reach our decisions.

Daniel Goleman, in his popular book Emotional Intelligence, writes that individuals with a high intelligence quotient (IQ), aren't always the most successful navigators of real-life situations, because some of them seemingly lack the emotional intelligence of other more emotionally developed and streetwise individuals. Crunch Time takes Mr. Goleman's book a step or two further, explaining and illustrating how you can become more emotionally intelligent (and, as a result, more self-fulfilled), by learning to make wiser, more constructive, and more self-enhancing decisions. In essence, the material in this book will equip you with the decision-making skills and Strategies that will help you to fulfill your great potential. The explanation is simple: If you can make constructive and self-enhancing decisions time after time, you put yourself in the best position to achieve your goals and fulfill your dreams.

Crunch Time is divided into three sections. The first identifies and discusses decision-making terms and concepts. These are the essential mental, psychological, and emotional building blocks that form the foundation for making constructive and self-enhancing decisions.

Section two is an in-depth study of "The Eight Crunch Time Steps" for making constructive decisions. This section also presents the "Crunch Time Decision-Making Strategies" (hereafter referred to as either "Crunch Time Strategies" or "Strategies"), as well as Strategy bullet-points called "Strata-Gems." These Strategies and Strata-Gems have, with great consistency and efficacy, led me and my clients to make enhancing and success-evoking decisions.

Throughout Crunch Time, there are stories involving my clients to help you more fully visualize and absorb the points presented in each chapter.

Ready to begin feeling great about yourself and your decisions?

The Concept of Crunch Time

One of the great benefits that I derived from being an athlete and studying different sports is that I learned to identify Crunch Time, and thereafter developed the ability to, in many instances, respond constructively when a Crunch Time challenge is presented to me. The other day, the news manager of a television station called me about my client, Terry. He said that he would be giving Terry a plum assignment that afternoon that would showcase Terry's broadcasting strengths. This manager told me that Terry was one of three people who were being considered for a coveted national position, and that if my client was on his game and really showed his stuff, he would likely get the position. The manager finished our conversation by saying, "Kenny, I can't be any clearer than this: If Terry gets it right, his career is changed for the better from here on out. It's up to him. Starting this afternoon, it's Crunch Time!"

The last few minutes of a close game are sometimes referred to as Crunch Time - a critical point during a sports contest in which the outcome of the game can go either way. Crunch Times are those pivotal points and defining moments when individuals are faced with significant choices. They are our opportunities to either make wise decisions and enhance ourselves and others, or to make poor and diminishing decisions, which often result in our being destructive to ourselves and to others.

As someone who counsels individuals every day regarding their making the most positive and healthy career and life decisions possible, I have found the concept of Crunch Time to be a particularly useful, effective, and visual one.

I believe that not enough attention is paid to the fact that each of us faces Crunch Times - or moments of decision - many times each day throughout our lives. For example, we often must decide whether or not we will eat or drink something that will cause us to gain weight or affect us negatively in some other way; whether or not we will light up a cigarette or cigar; whether or not we will remain in a personal or professional relationship that we know isn't healthy for us, etc.

Crunch Times are those instances when individuals who are committed to excellence (star performers) often step up to positively and effectively meet the challenges before them. They combine presence of mind with knowledge, understanding, and educated and prepared instinct to correctly analyze the situation of the moment. These individuals then adapt their performances to make the maximum use of their analyses (by making the right and/or best choices), thereby raising the level of their games to attain a successful outcome. They turn great potential into positive reality.

This ability isn't acquired overnight. It requires focused thought, analysis, preparation, and practice, along with great desire, enthusiasm, and tenacious persistence to achieve the sought-after goals. A proactive approach and appropriate discipline are also critical components of optimal performance at Crunch Time. One Crunch Time quality that makes all of the others viable and effective is an accurate understanding of the situation at hand and of the elements and individuals involved. True understanding of the pivotal elements that comprise a constructive decision is the foundation upon which all Crunch Time qualities are based.

"Behaviorism" - A Quick Look Back

It was during my first college psychology class that I was introduced to the works of Ivan Pavlov, B. F. Skinner, and other behavioral theorists. Do you remember the dog in Pavlov's stimulus/response experiment? During the initial stage of that experiment, a bell would sound and a dog would immediately be fed some meat. With the repetition of this ringing and feeding scenario, as soon as the dog heard the bell, it would salivate, expecting that it would be fed. With further repetition, the dog began to reflexively salivate upon hearing the bell - even without the meat being present, which had been the initial stimulus for the salivation. In essence, when presented with a familiar situation - hearing the bell - Pavlov's pooch reflexively and non-discerningly reacted with a behavioral pattern of response - and strategy - that it perceived had worked in the past. Other scientists took Pavlov's findings further, by theorizing that individuals seek out pleasurable experiences and avoid painful ones. Based upon those premises, they asserted that individuals' actions can be conditioned and reinforced, based upon the introduction of positive and negative stimuli.

While maximizing the importance of positive and negative reinforcement and their impact upon molding behavior, these theorists often minimized some of the most valuable qualities of a human being: The abilities to consciously think, analyze, reason, reflect, prepare, and choose to make value-based decisions.

Popular authors such as M. Scott Peck and Stephen Covey have pointed out that there can and should be a step between the introduction of a stimulus or event and a person's response to it. Dr. Peck writes that this period separating stimulus from response is a time to "bracket," or hold in abeyance, our old responses and/or behavioral patterns, and to decide whether the situation at hand calls for a new behavioral pattern, a modification of the old one, or the usual response.

It is the intervening step - or period of time - between when a stimulus or situation is presented to us and when we choose to act (constructively or destructively) that we will refer to as Crunch Time.

Crunch Times are those precious moments when we can act (as opposed to reflexively react), and consciously decide to raise the quality of our personal and professional lives, or we can compulsively react, often non-discerningly reenacting our old, inappropriate behavioral strategies, and thus diminish the quality of our lives in one way or another. It's your goal on our journey together and throughout the rest of your life to become the best Crunch Time performer and decision-maker you can be.

The "Crunch Time Continuum"

In your quest to understand and master decision-making, it is important that you picture in your mind's eye the three times when you most often make your decisions. These times are reflected in The Crunch Time Continuum.

Throughout the rest of this book, we will examine decisions and the times at which we make them. Let's define them:

· Crunch Time Decisions: These occur when a situation is presented to you, and within a short period thereafter, you must decide what to do. Some examples are:

A. The Situation: You are offered a piece of birthday cake at a party.

The Issue: Do you eat it?

B. The Situation: Someone says something to you that you interpret as being critical of you.

The Issue: How do you respond to the criticism?

C. The Situation: You find that your fourteen-year-old son/daughter has been hiding something from you that greatly disturbs you (he/she has been smoking, skipping class, etc.).

The Issue: What do you do about it?

· Pre-Crunch Time Decisions: These decisions are made minutes, hours, days, or months before you are presented with the actual stimulus or situation that will trigger your decision. These decisions are reached in anticipation of choices that will or may have to be made at a later time. Some examples of Pre-Crunch Time Decisions are:

A. When you're offered a piece of birthday cake tonight at the party, no matter how tempted you are, you decide that you won't eat it.

B. When Sheila/Sam brings up the same complaint that you're not attentive enough to her/him anymore, you're going to tell her/him how you truly feel about her/his demands on your time.

C. From now on, when your mom/dad/boss/client drives you crazy or pushes one of your buttons, you're not going to react in anger. Instead, you decide that you're going to calmly and coolly step away from the situation, think about it, and choose an appropriate response. It's your New Year's resolution.

· Post-Crunch Time Decisions: These decisions are made moments, hours, days, or months after you have made your original decision. They are decisions that reflect whether you want to (a) continue the behavior that resulted from your prior decision, (b) do the opposite of it, or (c) modify it. Some examples are:

A. Prior to Thanksgiving, you decided that you would stick to your new diet throughout the holiday season; and indeed, you did it. As a result, you look and feel great! You assess the situation and decide that you're going to continue to practice discipline and intelligent judgment from now on when it comes to eating.

In this instance, you choose to stay the course.

B. You decided to give it all up and move to Los Angeles to become an actress/actor. After months of trying to find a reputable agent to represent you, you settled for anyone who will send you out on auditions. During the next six months, you went on three cattle-call auditions and didn't get call-backs for any of them. You feel empty, disoriented, and demoralized by show business and a city that seems to lack roots, a soul, and humanity. You assess your prior decision, and conclude that this lifestyle is unhealthy. You decide: "I've done it. I've had it. I'm going back to my friends, my family, and my advertising job in Chicago."

In this case, you choose to change the course of your original decision and your behavior.

C. For the past fifteen years, you've worked six days a week and about sixteen hours a day. You assess this decision and conclude that there must be more to life than just working. You're now a partner in your firm and you're more than comfortable financially, but you're not happy - enough. You decide to adjust your behavior by: working five days a week - and sometimes four; taking all of your vacation time; leaving work at reasonable hours; and making your leisure time and your enjoyment of life higher priorities.

In this instance, you decide to modify your old decision. As we continue our journey, it's important to keep The Crunch Time Continuum and the timing of your decisions in mind.

The Concept of Mastery

An essential element of your emotional health and the fulfillment of your goals and dreams is your development of the mind-set and skill of mastery. That is, the attempted performance of an act, followed by its successful completion. The mastering of an act may require you to perform some or all of the following functions:

1) Identifying a goal that you want to attain;
2) Thinking about the goal and a preferred means of attaining it;
3) Devising a plan of action;
4) Visualizing the overall sequence of events involved in goal attainment;
5) Preparing to effectuate the plan;
6) Effectuating the plan of action;
7) Satisfactorily completing the plan and attaining the goal;
8) Acknowledging and cognitively celebrating the successful completion of the plan of action and goal attainment.

Exploring Mastery

There are few goals that appear unattainable to someone who has had positive mastery experiences. For example, golf phenomenon Tiger Woods made history by winning his third U.S. Junior Amateur golf title. As he reflected upon his victorious final round, which began with him trailing his opponent by five strokes, he was quoted as saying: "I knew what I had to do. I'd done it [come back and won after trailing by many strokes] before."

Conversely, through my experiences, I have found that you never truly know that you can do something until you've actually done it. For instance, I had a friend, years ago, whose parents were extremely wealthy. They gave him everything, and everything was done for him. Nothing was done by him. We were both eighteen at the time, when I noticed that he had no core confidence, as he never truly knew what he could accomplish. He could guess. He could hope. But in his Heart-of-Hearts, he didn't know. He began to stutter. He didn't get along with other kids. He had an inner anger.

My friend was monetarily wealthy - yet he was one of the most deprived and impoverished individuals I had ever met. His parents crippled him by not allowing him to take steps on his own, to occasionally stumble and fall, and to eventually accomplish the goals of walking and running by himself. To this day, he is foundering. He has no core confidence in his ability to meet a challenge. This is because he has never developed the skill of mastering his decisions or his actions.

A similar story was recently told to me. A forty-five-year-old woman had been born into a very wealthy family. She never held a job in her life. Her daughter confided that for years her mother had longed to have some kind of job, just so that she could know and feel that she could actually accomplish something. Then, about three years ago, a restaurateur was visiting the mother's house, and like many others before him, he noted how beautifully she had decorated it. At the end of the afternoon, he inquired as to whether her mother would be interested (for a fee, of course) in decorating his restaurant for its grand opening. She replied that she would be thrilled to do it. They agreed that work would begin three days later.

During the intervening days, the woman, at different times, appeared scared, distraught, and distant. She showed no signs of excitement or anticipation about beginning her first real job.

Ultimately, the woman never showed up to work on the restaurant and never returned any of the restaurateur's calls. According to her daughter, her mother was so deathly afraid to fail that she never attempted to do the job. And to this day, the woman has never worked. She just goes flitting and partying through life.

You may have heard the proverb: "Give me a fish, and I can eat for a day. Teach me to fish, and I can eat for a lifetime." My spin on this proverb is: "If you do tasks for me, or if I passively let fate decide what will happen to me, I will just rely on others and/or other forces to determine my life. But if I learn to proactively master and take control of my decisions and my acts, and I consistently do these things, I become self-reliant. I put myself in the best position to positively determine my own fate. I thus take ownership of my life."

Time and time again, I have seen individuals accomplish their goals and rise above their backgrounds and the pack, because in their Heart-of-Hearts they believe, "If I have any talent in an area, I have the cerebral and emotional mastery strategies to accomplish my goals. Since I've done it before, I know I can do it again."

When individuals know and feel that they have the capability to identify a desired goal, to visualize, implement, and complete a plan of action, and to ultimately attain that goal, the feeling of empowerment is huge. The positive self-esteem that is generated is clearly earned and thus valid. This inner knowledge and feeling are basic and enduring major elements of a rock-solid foundation of great decision-making and high self-esteem.

Years ago, a story was told to me about a reporter who was assigned by his TV station to cover a serious accident. The story allegedly unfolded this way:

Upon arriving at the scene of the accident, the reporter quickly and without great care scanned the area. He then went on to do some other things - such as watch a baseball playoff game on TV - until it was time to deliver his report. As the reporter began his presentation, he did his trademark "walk and talk" routine, walking around the accident scene and directing the camera to various points of interest while he flawlessly delivered the facts that he had memorized earlier.

When the reporter finished, the studio anchor advised both the reporter and the viewers that an unexpected development had just occurred. The anchor shared the development with the reporter and the viewers, and then asked the reporter to "analyze how the information might affect the situation." Upon hearing the question, the reporter immediately panicked. His brain apparently locked, and he couldn't speak for what seemed like an excruciatingly endless amount of time. As the reporter had only surveyed the surface facts about the story, he didn't understand its essentials, and therefore, he had no clue as to how to intelligently respond to the ever-changing situation. A moment or so later, the anchor nervously asked the question again. The reporter continued to stand there, speechless, staring blankly into the camera. Finally, the reporter began to speak. However, to everyone's embarrassment, he began to simply regurgitate the memorized facts, word for word, that he had given moments earlier - while never attempting to answer the anchor's question. As he did this, a near-hysterical producer implored the anchor to segue, as soon as possible, out of the report and back to the studio.

The reporter was fired soon thereafter.

On the other end of the spectrum, there are reporters who pride themselves on attaining a thorough understanding of their material. They can deliver their stories during torrential downpours, amidst gunfire, in the face of gale-force winds, and with curve after unexpected curve being thrown at them. And through it all, they don't lose their presence of mind or their ability to creatively and effectively deal with and thrive when major changes or delicate nuances are presented. By familiarizing themselves with and understanding the elements of their story, they can see everything in the insightful context of the "Big Picture." These individuals are said to have taken ownership of their work. They've mastered the material and made it their own.

Having been in the representation business for twenty years and a Student of Life for even longer, I see examples of both ends of the spectrum every day. Some individuals take responsibility for, and master their actions and decisions in a healthy and proactive manner. Others, passively and/or destructively, do not.

We are all performers in life in that day in and day out we perform hundreds of functions. The reporter who froze was a performer who didn't understand the why and the how of the story that he was reporting on. He only knew the superficial facts, and he didn't care enough to have a deeper understanding of the situation. Therefore, during a crisis period, when others with a more thorough knowledge and understanding might well have insightfully and adeptly processed and then appropriately responded to the anchor's question, this reporter was unprepared. He froze. He didn't know what to do or say, and he eventually ran for cover to his old (behavioral) script - literally!

In life, many of us act as this reporter did, by taking the path of least resistance. We perform the familiar scripts of our lives, without any thoughtful preparation, exploration, evaluation, understanding, or ownership. And in crises, we reflexively revert back to, run under the seemingly protective umbrella of, and act out our old behavioral patterns and strategies, even if they are crippling and diminishing and are truly hurting us and preventing our constructive growth.

The day that my life changed immeasurably for the better was the day that I began to take ownership of my decisions and my actions. This ownership required, first and foremost, that I seek to attain a truer and more comprehensive view and understanding of myself and of my behavior, as well as a fuller understanding of others and of the events around me.

Similarly, if you are to make constructive and enhancing decisions that will lead to the attainment of your most cherished goals and your truest inner happiness, you, too, must begin to take ownership of your decisions, of your actions, and of your life.

Strategy and its Execution

As soon as I took up paddle tennis, I learned how important it is to have various effective strategies available to me. A strategy to make time to practice and play. A strategy to keep improving. A strategy for playing a particular opponent. A strategy to get better players to want to include me in their games. A strategy as to how to lose weight, become more agile, gain speed, etc.

Athletics have taught me to anticipate and to make plans, in advance, that will help me effectively pursue and attain my goals. When strategies worked for me, I learned to integrate them into my decision-making and behavioral repertoires. When they didn't work, I learned to modify or discard them. As I became more mature, I learned that some strategies work in some circumstances but not in others, which means their effectiveness is context-related. As I continued to grow, I discovered that you can transfer a strategy from one facet of your life and apply it to another. For example, I used all of my Strategies regarding discipline, delayed gratification, mastering each step, Big-Picture thinking, etc., that I had successfully employed in my athletic endeavors, to doing my college course-work, starting my businesses, and writing my books.

Athletics have taught me that you must have short-term strategies and long-term strategies, and that you must keep creating, acquiring and adjusting your strategies with each new experience.

Being constructively strategy-minded has enabled me and many of my clients to achieve our most cherished dreams.

However, it is crucial to keep in mind that you can be the best strategist, but if you can't effectively execute and implement your strategies at the appropriate time, or in the appropriate place, it can all be for nothing.

The key is to be both a constructive and wise strategist, and to prepare thoroughly, so that you will have the ability to correctly and effectively execute your strategies at Crunch Time.

The Concept of Carpe Diem!

Carpe Diem (car-pay dee-um) is Latin for "seize the day" - that is, to make the very most of the moment at hand. The concept of carpe diem is infused with positive and constructive spirit and emotion. Throughout our journey, carpe diem will represent your great potential for proactively taking constructive and enhancing ownership of your decisions and your life. The high value we place on this passionate spirit and your precious potential is the foundation upon which every step of our journey is based.

All right! We've just laid the basis of our decision-making foundation. On to the fun stuff ....

Believing in a Better Lifestyle

2007-01-05T10:55:00.001+08:00

by Crystal Woods

How many of you have ever thought about the link between believing in yourself, and getting a good income? You would think that your income is based entirely on your skills, wouldn't you. Well, we know how true that one is. So what does play a part in deciding what you are worth in money terms per year?

There's no denying that there are a lot of factors involved in setting a salary, for example, but did you know that in Australia there are about 10 times more applicants for a $25,000 job than there are for one at $50,000? One reason, I believe, is that a lot of people just don't believe that they're worth that much, and so, even if they get the courage up to ask for the job description, they talk themselves against ever applying for it. I recently saw this where I work, when a position at just over $30,000 got a literal flood of enquiries - it was well over 50. You know how many actually put the application in? Only 6. Seriously. It wasn't as though the job description was excessively difficult either. The main thing that put people off was that they had to be prepared to get in a car and travel around the region occasionally. How hard is that? Especially considering a large part of the local population commute for 1 1/2 hours to the nearest city for work...

On a personal level, I used to be in one of those $25,000 jobs. With a Uni degree, and Honours, I thought I was lucky to get it considering the high level of unemployment locally. I sold the company on how much I had to offer. They took me up on it. Then they pushed the envelope, and got even more. Bargain rates! I filled 3 job descriptions, all on my own, and I was still on $25K. After the promised salary and position title review ended up leaving me in exactly the same position, I started feeling I wasn't really being appreciated. You probably know the feeling yourself. That was when I started to think about how much I felt I was worth. I thought about what salary I wanted, and came up against some pretty strong beliefs about how I didn't really deserve more, and I should be grateful for what I had.

Pardon the language, but "stuff that" thought I.

I spent the next few months intensively working on what I believed about myself. I started to make positive affirmations about how much I was worth, and how I deserved to have a decent salary, and I didn't deserve to spend every minute stressed out over how I'd pay the bills. I repeated positive statements about myself to the mirror. I wrote down what I wanted. I did exercises to push the boundaries further.

Then, out of the blue, I got a phone call offering me a job at $43,500, and apologising because it was probably going to be fairly simple work for me.

That's when I found out about the statistics on how there's a shortage of people applying for top positions.

Now, I agree this is not a scientific study, but it seems like a pretty clear link to me. Especially considering I had a similar (although less deliberate) process happening when I got the $25K job to start with.

Do you have anything over at the end of the pay period? If not, here's a quick exercise to try. Take your current salary. Triple it, and imagine yourself being offered a position at that level. Chances are, you'll start to find all kinds of things coming up - the personal arguments you use to talk yourself out of receiving that much money.

Not convinced?

Get a tape recorder, and leave it playing while you do a role play of you, asking your boss for a raise. Make it a decent one, say $5,000 or so. When you play it back, you'll probably find that there is at least one sentence that you came up with, as yourself, that argued against you getting the raise. "I understand there's not much money at the moment..." is a common one.

Start spending a bit of time thinking about what you are really worth. Forget about the idea of being "selfish" and take a good look at what you have to offer. Work on your beliefs about yourself. As you do, and once it's solidly built into your self-image, you'll start to notice little things coming your way that do improve your lifestyle. Signposts, if you will, that you're on the right track. Maybe a small win in the lottery, or a scratchy. Maybe finding a note on the street, or getting given too much change. You'll know what it is when it happens, if you're still on track. Use them to keep yourself motivated to go that next step further. The sky really is the limit.

Priorities : Family, Self, Work, Spouse

2007-01-05T10:35:00.001+08:00

by Paul Mauchline
I have a question I would like you to ask yourself today. Answer the question honestly, without giving it much thought right now. Just give your immediate response, keeping in mind that there might be components to the question you currently do not have in your life: for example a spouse or partner, or children. Imagine that you have all the categories that I describe in the following question. You cannot put two categories together or omit a category. Simply answer the question with a quick response, identifying your top priority (1) from the list below, and then identifying your second (2), third (3), and finally fourth (4) priority on the list. Please answer this question before continuing to read the rest of this article.

Prioritize The Following Four Items:

· Family (Which Includes Children)
· Self
· Work (Career)
· Spouse (Partner)
This is, without a doubt, one of the most important questions you can ask yourself today. It is a question that will continually come forth as you go through life. I feel that it is critical for each of us to have clarity about our own priorities. When you are faced with the challenges of your daily life, I believe that the answer to this question will help you to make better decisions and, more importantly, more conscious choices for yourself and your loved ones.

I have asked this thought-provoking question to thousands of people over the years. It is a very sensitive question that has stirred much emotion and, more significantly, thought about "What truly are our priorities for life?" I have heard many varied answers to the question. In many cases, an individual immediately becomes defensive, trying to change the question. This situation occurs, especially, when two members of a couple discover that their answers are totally different. Unquestionably, I have hit a sensitive nerve with many whom I have asked this question. The question brings out resentment, hurt, emotional baggage, and fear: things that many people have kept hidden from their partners and, primarily, from themselves.

I came up with this question when I was in my late thirties, after I had been through several relationships. I honestly have to say that I wish someone had posed this very question to me years ago. It would have saved me from a lot of emotional pain and anguish. It initiated a change in my priorities for my life.

At this point, you may be asking yourself, "So, Paul, what is your answer to the question?" The priorities for my life are the following:

· Self
· Spouse (Partner)
· Family (Which Includes Children)
· Work (Career)

Why do I put myself in the number 1 position? Quite simply: I cannot truly love my spouse or partner - or anyone else, for that matter -- unless I love and give to myself first. Why do I place my spouse or partner second, before family and children? It is the example of my love for my spouse or partner that is the most important gift I can bestow upon my children and family. Why is family, including children, third on my priority list? Because of my love for them: they are far more important than work or any amount of material reward that I receive as a result of these efforts. Loving one's self, then spouse, then family, makes work all that much more enjoyable and rewarding.

I could devote an entire book to this very subject of priorities. We could examine all the "What If?" situations that pop up daily in our lives, but I will leave those to you. I would like you to think of my answer as a guideline for life. Each and every day, I try, to the best of my abilities, to live my life based on this order of priorities. The results have been truly amazing. Not only me, but also many others have recognized the key role that these priorities play in our lives. Whether or not you agree with my particular order of priorities, I feel it is important that you give careful consideration to the question of your own priorities. In my opinion, how we choose to structure our priorities is what makes the difference between just struggling unhappily through life versus enjoying a loving.

Panic Attack! Help!

2007-01-05T10:25:00.001+08:00

by eNotAlone.com

Can you go outside, but you can't go in a group? Can you go in a group, but you can't be in an enclosed area? Can you go if YOU drive? Can you go in a car, but you don't want to get out of it?

There are many people who panic in varying degrees, they accept it, and they try to get on with their lives. Until the next attack.

Do you know what generic PANIC really is?

Panic is a bunch of wrong thoughts. A bunch of frightened thoughts.

To some, a bunch of terrifying thoughts. Then, the body responds in whichever way that terrifies the owner of the body the most. Right?

Do you know that everyone has terrifying thoughts at one time or another?

It's what you do with them that counts.

Some people see themselves panicking many, many times a day. Look where that gets them. They panic -- and guess what!

They don't even know why. They don't even realize that their mind brought it on. Their mind saw them panicking and their brain followed through, as it usually does, and fulfilled their visualization, bringing on panic attacks at it's earliest convenience. Which is usually when you want it the least.

And guess what else! The more you focus on your panicky feelings, the more they stick around and get worse.

The minute you decide to face your fears the more you tell your brain you are willing to face them the less intense they will become.

If you label something, it gives it an entity.

So the trick is to take control of the entity -- don't label them as panic attacks. If you look at them as panic attacks -- and only you know exactly what that means to you -- you will continue to have them.

Now you have the opportunity to think of them more as something you can overcome. Give them a different label, and therefore a different entity. How about these? Panic dribbles. Panic samplers. Panic pounces. Pansy panic. You get the idea.

Here's a different definition of panic. One definition of panic is that panic is the mental or emotional state induced by the god, Pan. Now, we can get a little silly here, and say we're bigger than Pan, we're better than Pan, we're cuter than Pan, and we're smarter than Pan.

We can give Pan an entity. How's this description? He's ugly. He's mean. He's little and he's green. His nose curls at the end when he gets mad, and he doesn't like to lose. When he loses, his eyeballs bulge out, and his tongue rolls down his body to the floor and he steps on it. Make him the lousiest entity you can.

Now, do you want to give in to that mean, green little man? I don't think so. Giving your old panic attacks a different name and a description makes it much easier to beat, doesn't it?

Never let Pan have his way again, OK? And if he doesn't leave immediately, make it a challenge. Label each one of Pan's now dwindling visits. On a scale of one to ten, with ten being the hardest you've ever had, rate each visit. Of course, you know Pan isn't going to like this, but if we make it really miserable here, won't that make him go away completely?

Even if you find yourself at a ten once in a while, you know what?

That ten isn't going to stay around very long. In fact, it probably only stays a ten long enough to say ten, then you are right away going to a nine, and that immediately goes to an eight or maybe even a six? Right! This could be fun. And you know what makes it more fun? Taking charge of your life, and of Pan. Keeping him unhappy enough not to come back.

Remember, he's happiest when you are having those frightening pictures in your mind. When you have those, Pan just loves it and sticks around forever. You don't want that, do you? Well, if you don't, then you know what to do about it! Get rid of those pictures!

Shatter them! If the pictures are gone, Pan can't stick around.

Rejoice when you are panless! Know that you have now taken control of your life! Pat yourself on the back and go have some fun.
Some panless fun! Take a deep breath and move into the action.

The Fear of Feeling

2007-01-05T10:21:00.001+08:00

by Margaret Paul, Ph.D.

We desire to find the path to inner peace, joy and freedom. We strive to feel lovable, worthy and secure. We know that if we do our inner work and open to our spiritual connection, we will feel all of that. Yet we often resist doing our inner work. This article discusses the feelings we are afraid to feel, because we are not sure we can manage them, so we turn to our addictions instead of turning to our spiritual guidance. We desire to find the path to peace, joy and freedom. We strive to feel lovable, worthy and secure. We know that if we do our inner work and open to our connection with Spirit, we will feel all of that. Yet we don't. We put off dialoguing for days or weeks. We stay stuck in our misery or numbness. Why? What are we so afraid of if we open to learning about loving?

I have searched for many years for the answer to this question. Over and over I would find myself out of grace and joy and into anxiety and stress. Each time it was because I failed to take care of myself in some way.

The problem is that all feelings are in the same box. Pain is in the same box as joy. We cannot be putting a lid on pain without putting a lid on joy as well.

What is the pain we are striving so hard to avoid feeling? Most people feel a lot of pain. We feel anxious, frightened, depressed, hurt. Since we are often in pain, it doesn't seem to make sense that we are, at the same time as we are feeling all this pain, also avoiding pain. Yet that is exactly what we are doing.

As unhappy as we may be feeling, we are avoiding pain that we believe is even greater than the pain we are feeling.

I have discovered that there are three feelings which most people want to avoid at all cost: aloneness, loneliness and helplessness over others.

Aloneness is what we feel inside when we are disconnected from God. Loneliness is what we feel when we cannot connect with another, either because our heart is closed, their heart is closed, or both of our hearts are closed. Helplessness is what we would feel if, when we want to connect with another and his or her heart is closed, we accept that there is nothing we can do to make them open their heart.
When we were babies and small children, we could not allow ourselves to feel these feelings. We could not have handled them and may have died of despair. So we learned many protections to avoid feeling these feelings.

The problem is that we still think we will die if we feel these feelings, so we are still avoiding them. We avoid connecting with God for fear God will not be there and we will feel alone. We get angry, withdraw, eat, drink, take drugs, watch TV, get busy, overwork and and indulge in many other addictions to avoid feeling the pain of our loneliness and helplessness.

Yet loneliness in our society is unavoidable. So many people spend their lives with their hearts closed to avoid their pain that it is impossible not to be around people whose hearts are closed some of the time. If we choose to avoid feeling our loneliness and helplessness, then we too will close our heart. However, when we close our heart we close down the joy too. Then we are stuck with the anxiety, fear, depression and hurt that is endemic in our society.

You will not die if you open to feeling your loneliness and helplessness. It is even quite tolerable if you hold your lonely Child while bringing through love from God, for then you are not alone in your loneliness. The willingness to feel the pain of loneliness and helplessness opens the door to joy, peace, and freedom. The more you open to God in your loneliness, the more you are able to embrace the privilege of this sacred journey of evolving your soul. There is great joy in the journey, even when there is loneliness!

Why You Feel How You Feel

2007-01-04T15:29:00.001+08:00

by Robert M. Roerich, M.D.

Among the Blind Pit Vipers of Life the One Eyed Snake is King

My job as a researcher is to help you understand your secret emotions. I do this by analyzing your answers in describing an imaginary journey. This is not a game. My work involves helping governments prevent suicide in their SWAT Police and Special Forces Military. If you want to be amused or read theories about stuff that can't be statistically proven, then go read some other article. If you want to take a look at those secret emotions only you know and learn about them then read on.

Your emotions and important life events are stored in memory as mental imagery. This is what pops in your head when you think about someone or something emotionally important to you. You can't help it. A mental image popped into your head when you read the title of this excerpt from my book WHY YOU FEEL HOW YOU FEEL. What does “Among the Blind Pit Vipers of Life the One Eyed Snake is King” make you think of? If you thought of sex you are normal. If you thought of being hurt, then you need to read my book. This may sound like a snap judgment, but in the world of emotions that is just how it is. You are either happy or sad, proud of yourself of ashamed, feeling loved by others or not. This is called primary process thinking. It is the mind of the child, who is a very emotional kid. We are all kids deep inside. As we grow older we are supposed to control our primal instincts and needs. Some of us do, and some of us don't. Some become upright citizens, some become criminals. Some live a happy life, others commit suicide or become murderers. It is all up to you, your choice.

Your mind only remembers the stuff that means something to you, not what you ate for breakfast last Tuesday. That is just how survivalist we are inside the most important organ of the body: the brain. No, not the other one! Mental imagery is like a movie of your life with all the sights and sounds of the important stuff. Why is this secret? Inside the mind are positive and negative emotions. Which teacher do you remember most from grade school? It is probably the teacher that created strong emotion within you. If this is a positive experience, like being praised or rewarded, your unconscious mind made note of it. But if you remember harsh words or punishment, then this is engraved in your memory. You remember the important events the most and if these are more negative than positive it is emotionally overwhelming. In order to function in everyday life you have to keep the negative emotions secret.

You will be surprised at what you can imagine and understand about your mental imagery hidden in your memory vault of emotions. Your emotions are your most valuable possessions. They are what make you unique. Even identical twins are different depending on what particular emotions each of them experience. This book is about you. It is your life story. You will understand why you feel how you feel just by looking at the mental picture or image you paint. You will discover 15 secrets about you that only you know.

The River

Questions 4-7 of the Roerich Psychodynamic Inventory (RPI)

Imagine that you are walking on a road. You come to a river that must be crossed.

There before you is a river; the size and width are up to you. You cannot go around it but must imagine a way to cross. Whatever you need to cross the river is already in your mind—just imagine seeing yourself do it.

4. How do you cross the river?
5. How clean is the water?
6. How fast is the current?
7. Is there anything in the water? If so, what?

NOTE: Answer these questions before reading ahead to understand what your mental imagery means. No cheating!

The river is a sexual, fluid road of sorts on our journey through life. It can range from a clear stream or pristine beach to a muddy swamp. It may have living inhabitants or not, be narrow or wide, have slow currents or perilous rapids, or no movement at all. It is colored in different hues of light or dark and can be a place of pleasure or pain, depending on our emotional experiences in the sexual sphere of our lives.

What does sex have to do with a river?

The mind expresses sexual content on the RPI through images of water, with more water appearing on the journey among the sexually preoccupied. Some stages of life compel more sexual expression than others. Adolescence, because of the many changes brought about by puberty, focuses on sexual issues, which is normal. As we become adults, our level of sexual activity tends to decline due to physical changes, but the mind replays sexual scenarios if a need has gone unfulfilled or a sexual experience has occurred which is causing unresolved anxiety or stress.

In our subconscious mind, sex equals water, whether it is puddle, river, or ocean. Both have depth, direction, and force. The river may be a once-forded adventure or a frequent watering hole, a foreboding obstacle or a much-anticipated oasis.

Means of Crossing The River

What does the manner of crossing the river tell us?

How a person crosses the river illuminates aspects of trust in our most intimate relationships. If we completely trust, we get our feet wet, take the plunge. If there is concern or caution for some reason, then we distance ourselves from the water; we do not get our feet wet. We may choose to walk safely over a bridge, jump across the river, even fly! One person decided to board an airplane on one side of the river and fly to the other side. This person was feeling extreme aversion to sex, having been violently gang-raped.

The farther from the water, the less trust is present. We therefore show a certain degree of inhibition or not in our sexual relationships. Often times, trust is there initially, but may be lost if we are hurt in that intimate relationship. Letters of the alphabet are used to distinguish the different ways of crossing the river. An "A" crossing shows strong coping skills and minimal stress in this area, with an "F" crossing showing severe mistrust, poor coping skills, and high stress. What is your grade regarding sex or intimacy?

A. Uninhibited ways of crossing the river

• Swimming
• Wading

Note that there is contact with the water in both these examples. This person is trusting.

B. Mildly inhibited ways of crossing the river

• Walking on rocks – awareness of problems
• Walking on a fallen tree – victimization
• Walking on a log – focus on men or maleness

C. Moderate inhibition

• Boat, canoe, or other floating vessel

D. Marked inhibition

• Bridge

F. Extreme inhibition

• Jumping – significant avoidance of intimacy
• Flying – greatest avoidance of intimacy or sex

Water Color

The color of the water can describe additional feelings about our intimate relationships, as well as the particular circumstances of the sexual activity.

• Black – sadness
• Bloody – family problems
• Blue, clear – enjoyment
• Blue, murky – enjoyment with deception
• Fecal – depreciation and contamination
• Gray – confusion
• Muddy – depreciation and deception

Contents of the River Water

• Alligators – victimization
• Branches, twigs, leaves – victimization
• Fish
• Goldfish – pleasure and materialism
• Piranha – victimization
• Trout – pleasure
• Snakes – victimization, possibly intimate
• Snapping turtles – victimization
• Trash, litter – depreciation

River Current Speed

The speed of the current indicates the speed of the intimate relationship. Our involvement may have elements of caution or of spontaneity. Impulse, however, may bring pleasure at an emotional cost, especially when emotion overpowers reason.

Fast, white water – excitement with impulsiveness

Moderate current – excitement with some caution

Slow current – exploration with enjoyment

Stagnant – entrapment without enjoyment

Summary Template:

4. How do you cross the river?

· Boat–am moderately inhibited
· Bridge–am markedly inhibited
· Flying over–am extremely inhibited and afraid of getting close to anyone
· Jumping–am extremely inhibited
· Riding a horse–am mildly inhibited but tend to trust men
· Swimming–am trusting and uninhibited
· Wading–am trusting and uninhibited
· Walking on a fallen tree–am mildly inhibited and feel hurt by men
· Walking on a log–am mildly inhibited and enjoy the company of men
· Walking on rocks–am mildly inhibited and am aware of problems here

4. Concerning intimate or sexual matters, I_____________________.

The closer you are to the water the more you trust intimacy or sex. The farther away you are the more you fear or avoid intimacy with people.

5. What does the water look like?

· Black – sadness
· Bloody – someone's incest
· Blue, clear – absolute enjoyment
· Blue, murky – feeling deceived
· Fecal – feeling depreciated and contaminated by someone
· Gray – confusion
· Muddy – feeling depreciated and deceived by someone

5. In the intimate or sexual sphere, I am dealing with issues of ________________________________.

6. How fast is the current? ________________________

· Fast, white water – am impulsive and excited by it
· Moderate – am excited but somewhat cautious
· Slow – I enjoy it and take my time
· Stagnant – I don't enjoy it because I feel trapped by someone

6. When I think of intimacy or sex, I ___________________________.

7. Is there anything in the water? If so, what?
_________________________________________________

· Alligator – that I am a victim of someone
· Twigs, leaves – that I am a victim and a part of me is missing
· Fish, goldfish – that sex is fun but has its price
· Fish, piranha – that I am a victim of someone
· Snakes – of someone being hurt by men

7. … and there are feelings__________________________.

Pleasant images describe pleasant feelings; the opposite is true, as well.

The following is an example of how a sexual issue in a young man revealed why he was so stressed.

Fear of the Black River: Lex

Lex was a young college student with a violent temper and a history of trouble with the law. He had broken up with yet another girlfriend and considered himself quite a lady's man. Lex liked sex but one thing really bothered him. He had inexplicably lost a lot of weight and was angry and depressed about it. His description of the Road as he imagined it revealed much about his fears.

He described what he walked as a hard, dirt road. Along it were several stop signs. The fact that the road was made of dirt showed that Lex had feelings of worthlessness about his life. Financially struggling and feeling sickly, he felt as if his life was ending. The stop signs along the road kept him from making any significant progress, just as the circumstances of his life seemed to suggest that he was a failure.

When Lex went to the river, he easily swam across it; there were no inhibitions in his relationships. The house he visualized along the road was a trailer in good condition (The HOUSE is described in more detail in Chapter Four), and he saw himself living in it; this indicated he was very self-reliant.

When he came to the obstacle in the road, he described a black, filthy river contaminated with sewerage (The OBSTACLE is described in Chapter Six).

"Are you afraid of something, Lex, something that might be a threat to your life?"

"Yeah, I'm afraid, Doc. I'm afraid of dying of something."

"Do you think that something could be AIDS?"

Lex looked at me with surprise. "Yes, I'm terrified of getting AIDS! How did you know that?"

"Your obstacle is a river, which symbolizes intimacy or sex. The river is contaminated and black, which could mean that the intimacy is contaminated by something sad or even deadly, like the Black Death or, in our times, AIDS."

When Lex realized the source of his fear, he could face it and move on with his life, dealing with the issues that had given him feelings of worthlessness and hopelessness.

A Male Sexual Abuse Profile

Luis was a twenty-seven-year-old Hispanic male who was hospitalized because his parents feared he would try to commit suicide. He had a history of hospitalizations, alcoholism, depression, and suicidal thoughts. He claimed to have heard voices since he was a young boy that told him to hurt himself and others, and to steal. To escape the voices, he began taking drugs and drinking when he was ten years old.

Luis's family life was a prime example of a dysfunctional home. Both his parents were chemically dependent; his mother had a medical problem that gave him access to prescription drugs. All the members of his nuclear family became users and continually had addiction problems. Luis was sexually molested at age 10 by an older brother; the molestation lasted four years. When he was in junior high school, he overdosed on Valium in an attempt to escape his home life. However, his parents denied that this was a suicide attempt and did not seek any sort of treatment for him. As had been done to him, he molested one of his younger siblings.

After Luis graduated from high school, he attended college and at the age of twenty married. At twenty-one he joined the Navy to escape his family and marriage. When first married, he and his wife both drank heavily; but after the birth of their child, his wife became sober. Luis's continued alcoholism and drug use became the problem that resulted in divorce after a year of marriage.

After four years, Luis left the Navy and worked at various odd jobs. His drinking made it impossible for him to hold a steady job. The lack of a career or any focus in life exacerbated his feelings of hopelessness. Yet he failed to make any connection between his chemical dependency and his lack of direction.

"Luis, tell me what you see far off in the distance from where you are on the road."

"A sandy area, like a desert. It is covered with dark gray and blue sand, and there is a palm tree in it. The season is summer."

"What do you see between yourself and the desert?"

"A city, a big city with gray buildings. There are cars passing by me. People and taxi cabs. I see a bum standing on the street nearby."

"You are walking down a road. Describe the road."

"It's a black, asphalt road; it's dry and smooth, straight and flat."

"When you come to a river, what do you see? What's the water like?"

"It's murky. The current isn't too fast or too slow."

"Do you see anything in it?"

"Snakes."

"How do you get across?"

"In a boat."

"O.K. Now you come to a house. What does it look like? Is there anyone in it?"

"It's white, in good shape. I'm not sure if anyone lives there."

"Did anyone live there before?"

"My family and I used to live there."

"You walk past the house and come upon a cup. What is the cup like?" (The CUP is described in Chapter Five)

"White, ordinary, in good condition."

"Is there anything in it?"

"Yeah, hot, steaming fresh coffee."

"What was in it before?"

"Just clear water, and only for a little while."

"Now you walk along the road some more and come to an obstacle. Describe it for me."

"It's a big tree knocked over by the wind."

"Was there anything there before the tree?"

"Yes, a red car was stalled in the road before the tree fell over."

"Was there anything else there before the car?"

"Yeah, some light gray snakes."

"What do you see beyond the obstacle, Luis?"

"Nothing. There's no road after the tree. Just thick green bushes and wild animals. Nothing else."

When I studied the descriptions Luis shared with me, I came to understand that he was preoccupied with and confused by an unstable situation. The fact that he saw a desert in the distance with dark-colored sand was a clue that he felt deserted by some authority figure in his life. Luis felt that life was passing him by, like the cars, taxis, and people in his image of the city. He felt sad and unproductive, like the bum he visualized beside him. Yet all this paled in comparison to Luis's pain from the past.

The snakes in Luis's river are phallic symbols, indicative of a preoccupation with male sexuality. The water was murky, concealing what lay beneath the surface. Luis felt deceived in some way by someone close to him. The house he pictured was white, the color of innocence. The fact that it was in good condition but that his obstacle (the fallen tree) indicated victimization, suggested that Luis was in denial about the support he needed from others or himself. That Luis had lived in the house before but now saw no one inside revealed that he felt good about himself earlier, perhaps during his childhood, and had had an intimate relationship that boosted his self-image. The description of a white cup in good shape was another indication of denial that victimization had occurred. The presence of hot, steaming coffee was a clue that Luis had a commitment with someone, but he refused to say who that person might be.

The fallen tree across Luis's road, blown over by the wind, was a symbol of himself as a victim of someone more powerful than he. Wind, as an invisible but potent force, symbolized the passive, invisible anger that Luis felt toward this abusive authority figure. The red car stalled in the road before the tree fell referred to Luis himself; he may have felt stalled in an intimate relationship, not progressing as he believed he should have been. The gray snakes, symbols of male sexuality, may have reflected Luis's concern about his own sexuality and the sexual abuse he suffered at the hands of his brother.

Luis saw animals, green trees and bushes beyond his obstacle. Animals symbolize instinct, and bushes that are green are signs of adolescence. These symbols were evidence that Luis was in a state of denial about a pleasurable intimate relationship that occurred during his youth, something he needs to resolve. Luis's feelings of support (occupied house in "good" condition) and of not being hurt in relationships (cup in "good" condition) together with the symbol of victimization (the fallen tree) suggest that he was in denial of issues that needed to be resolved (For information about the relationship between a house or cup in good condition and a symbol of victimization, see the Workbook section).

I suspected that Luis's "voices" were not hallucinations at all, but may have been memories of male voices heard at the time of the abuse. He may have been suffering from Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder; the flashbacks and nightmares were probably something he felt embarrassed about and unable to share. Luis would need long-term therapy to help him face the deep and complicated causes of his pain.

A Female Sexual Abuse Profile

Mary, an elderly grandmother, sits in her room in the elegant Golden Memories Nursing Home in rural Ruby, Texas, feeling like a bird in a gilded cage. Doctor Ivers is worried about her escalating nervousness and violence, and he writes an order for a psychological consultation. The young psychologist walks into Mary's room with books and pages full of examinations in hand.

"Now, Mary, I want you to answer these questions True or False. I know there are a lot of them but do the best that you can, and I'll be back later this afternoon." Eric placed the thick booklet of questions and two pencils on the table in front of her.

Later that afternoon Eric returned to the testing room only to find that Mary had not answered a single question but instead had crossed out page after page with large Xes.

"Go away and leave me alone!" yelled Mary as Eric offered to ask the hundreds of questions one by one out loud.

Puzzled about what to do next, Eric decides to use a mental imagery research software program he recently received from the local medical school.

Louise is present as Eric explains to Mary that she must give a detailed description of her walk down an imaginary road. Shaking and tremulous, Mary complains, "These are silly questions, I don't know what to think."

Eric waits patiently and asks the question again: "What color is the road, Mary?"
"It's the color of any road! Are we playing a game? What a ridiculous question." Finally, she says, "Look, I can't see anything. It's very stormy and windy and the road is dark."

"You come to a river and have to cross. How do you cross it?"

"How should I know? I don't know how to swim. Go away!"

"You can cross it any way you want to. How do you cross it, Mary?"

"I don't want to cross it. I would rather ride a bull and jump as high as the moon to get over it."

"You have crossed the river and come to a house. Describe the house for me."

"It's just a deserted shack with spiders and rats in it. Now, leave me alone."

"You come to an open field and come to a cup lying on the ground. What does the cup look like?"

"It's a paper cup, all crumpled up and old looking."

"Okay, Mary, we're almost through with the questions. You now come to something that blocks your path, prevents you from going any further; there's an obstable on the road. Describe the obstacle."

"I don't see anything blocking the road. I see a board with a big nail sticking out of it. Under the board is a big muddy hole in the ground. It looks deep."

Returning from the computer with a two-page printed report, Eric shares what the Road reveals. "Mary, there are indications here that you are actually very depressed to the point of agitation, and that you have a lot of anger about being hurt by a man."

Suddenly, Mary began to cry. The tears just came flooding out, accompanied by long wails of, "Why did it have to happen to me, what did I do to deserve this?"

"It's all my fault, I am being punished by God! I would rather be dead and in my grave than go on."

The daughter and Eric give each other puzzled looks. Mary's daughter puts her arm around her mother, but Mary refuses to be comforted. "Don't touch me, go away and leave me alone!"

"Mary," Eric says softly, "would you mind sharing with us what's wrong?"

Mary looked deep into her daughter's eyes and apologized for her behavior. Then she began her story.

"I was one of ten children living with my family in the Texas valley, and my mom and dad were having a hard time making ends meet. Mom knew of a rich family living across the border in Mexico who wanted a young American girl to live with them and teach the children English. They would pay handsomely, they said, and Mom decided I should work for them and send the money back home.

"The Mexican family was prominent for producing products they exported all over the world. The father was well liked and respected by everyone in the community and was known as a shrewd and clever businessman. Everyone thought it was a great idea to take the job, so I moved in with them, just five miles from my home in Ruby."

Mary stopped her story to relate that for many years she had this recurring nightmare:

"I was in a dark and scary house with many doors and secret passageways. I was running. There was a man coming after me, speaking in Spanish, telling me to come to him. He smelled of tequila and cigars. I was frightened and kept running, looking for hiding places under beds and in closets. All I ever saw of him were the rough cowboy boots he wore.

"In later flashbacks, I could see the blue Levi jeans he had on. I didn't know who it was then, but in later flashbacks I was able to make out more. I noticed he was wearing a thick brown belt with a shiny buckle with a large star on it. He was not wearing a shirt, and he had muscular arms with large tattoos and a very hairy chest.
"Finally, after going through all those flashbacks, I was able to make out his face. It was Don Pedro, the man who had hired me to be a live-in governess. I have kept this secret for years. The questions made me remember."

Mary began to receive psychotherapy from Eric, who had won her confidence, and in the weeks that passed, each day brought a calmer and more peaceful mood. Mary no longer required nerve medication and she walked with a steadier gait. She was on the way to recovery from the sexual abuse she suffered so long ago.

Though years may pass and memories seem too embarrassing to utter, each step we take on the Roerich Psychodynamic Inventory (RPI) is a step towards healing the hurt of the past and the anger and depression of the present.

Identity - and Loneliness

2007-01-04T12:17:00.001+08:00

By A Guide to Psychology and its Practice

A police officer had just pulled over a car for a routine traffic stop. The officer strode confidently up to the car, hands on his hips, with a bravado swagger as if he were fully in control of the situation. He started to peer into the driver’s window. Suddenly, the man in the car pulled a gun and fired several shots. The officer fell to the ground, screaming and crying in a frenzied panic, “I’ve been shot! I’ve been shot! Call an ambulance! I’ve been shot!”

When the paramedics arrived, they discovered that the officer hadn’t even been wounded. All the shots had missed. The only observable damage was that this tough cop had wet his pants.

That’s how identity works. In one flash, all of the officer’s self-assured control left him, and he was reduced to the helplessness of a baby. Illusions of who we think we are—and claim to be—evaporate in a puff of smoke. And if we haven’t learned how to live from the place of a true identity, we will pay the price in trauma until we do learn how to live.

Most of us derive identity from the world around us. As infants, we are just a jumble of diverse biological processes over which we have no authority, and our first task in life is to develop a coherent personality which “pulls together” this fragmented confusion. Our first sense of coherence comes from our unconscious identifications with the persons around us. Then, as older children, we look around and see what the world shows us. Some things in the world appeal to us more than others; that’s because some things purport to show us something about what’s missing in our own lives. So, from all the things that appeal to us in the world, we create images of how we want to see ourselves, and then we set about making ourselves “seen” in the world so our images can be reflected back to us through the desire of others.

Whether it’s purple hair and pierced lips or Armani business suits, an image is an image. It’s simply impossible to “opt out” of the social order—even anarchy, in all its emptiness, is a form of social identity.

And some persons desire to be desired with such desperate intensity that you can literally see in their eyes the inner emptiness they seek to fill.

But they never can fill the void.

At best, the self-styled image is only a fraud, a piece of paper pasted over a gaping hole—an emotional wound—to hide their pain from their own eyes.

At worst, the fraud becomes their only reality, a pathetic lie and a living hell.

No matter how much effort a person puts into his or her image, it’s all a fraud, psychologically speaking, because so much of our lives is unconscious. Erik Erikson, for example, in his writings on personality development, described the conscious acquisition of a social identity in adolescence as one of the “normative crises” of life. But this process of “seeing” yourself reflected in the world—whether as an adolescent or as an adult—has its problems. Although developing a social identity has a certain short-term value, whatever you “think” you are is, ultimately, nothing but a vague approximation of what you really are. And what you really are is revealed in discrete moments of genuine encounter with your inner life.

In the story of the police officer above, the officer encountered a profound truth about himself at the moment when he believed he was in danger of dying. He found out that, contrary to his self-styled bravado, he was, in that moment of crisis, nothing but a helpless baby.

You might go to great expense to project an image into the world. You might explain yourself in endless detail to others so they will get the “true” picture of you. You might offer your identity to the world as if it were a bowl of jewels. But you’re offering only a plate of stones.

In one episode of the original Star Trek television series, a man tried to bribe Captain Kirk with a bowl of diamonds, rubies, and emeralds. The good Captain scoffed. “What good are these? They’re just stones and pebbles. We can manufacture all of them we want aboard our starship.”

True encounter can’t be manufactured either.

That is, in an encounter with the unexpected, all of us react not according to what will “look good” to others but according to our deepest—and often unconscious—value system. So if your values are nothing other than an imitation of the values the world has created to market itself, then in a moment of crisis or surprise you will find out quite shockingly how empty advertising promises really are. If your values are nothing other than an acquiescence to peer pressure, you will find out how easily your desire to be accepted by others can send you right into self-destruction. If your values are not grounded in wisdom and integrity then you will consistently defile wisdom and integrity.

Early in the 1960s, Stanley Milgram, a psychologist at Yale University, conducted some experiments about obedience. Although controversial by today’s ethical standards, the experiments revealed a dark side of human nature: many persons were quite willing to obey an authority even if such obedience meant inflicting severe pain on another person. Even though the experiments were themselves a deception (that is, the electric shocks the subjects “administered” to the victims were not real, and the “victims” were actually pretending to feel pain as part of the experiment), many of the subjects suffered considerable trauma to discover that they had the capacity within themselves—in obedience to authority and peer pressure—to inflict such torture.

This illustrates an important point: What is revealed about yourself in an encounter with your inner reality is not necessarily pretty. In fact, it is the basis for all trauma. Moreover, the fear of their own dark sides keeps many persons from developing an interest in psychology.

Quite often, this fear of the unconscious can manifest as a Specific Phobia, whereby the interior terror becomes projected onto external objects, situations, or even the environment itself—such as a fear of the dark.

Environmental fears (dark, storms, water, etc.) are often seen in children because the child’s unconscious has not been sufficiently contained by adult defenses. With proper support, children will outgrow these fears. But pity the poor child with a parent so afraid of his or her own unconscious that the fear becomes passed on to the child like a contagious illness.

This fear of their own dark sides also keeps many persons away from psychotherapy. But the point of psychotherapy is to get close to your unconscious, disentangle yourself from the vain attachments to the world that have trapped you, and learn the importance of a value system grounded in wisdom that encompasses all “parts” of your personality.

Or, you can just wait until a trauma makes you an offer you can’t refuse.

As odd as it might seem, even something as ordinary as having a tooth pulled or extracted can provoke considerable anxiety. “A tooth?” you might ask. “I don’t get it.” Well, think about it. We all cut our hair, and our fingernails, and our toenails. Notice, however, that these things grow back. Teeth don’t grow back. Of course, baby teeth are lost and replaced with adult teeth, but once an adult tooth is lost, that’s it. Extracting a tooth is like amputating an arm or a leg or any other part of the body—even a breast due to breast cancer. Technically, the loss of any body part can provoke a castration anxiety. We commonly castrate male animals by surgically removing their testicles so as to make the animals less aggressive or to make them reproductively sterile. Sigmund Freud, in his philosophy of psychoanalysis, gave a psychological twist to castration when he assumed that all young boys felt an anxiety about losing the penis, and that all young girls felt an anxiety about having lost it.

Jacques Lacan, however, understood that these sexual images were just a screen covering an even deeper anxiety. Castration, for Lacan, meant the horrifying recognition of our human fragmentation, the very fragmentation that the infant has to “cover up” through its identifications with the world as it builds up a coherent personality. In the loss of a tooth, then, is a confrontation—an encounter—with the reality of bodily fragmentation and, ultimately, with death itself. In essence, the loss says, “You’re not as glamorous and powerful as you think. You’re just a flesh-covered skeleton that can break at any time. Your image of yourself is all a lie.” The loss of any body part, therefore—even a dream about such a loss, or even an abortion—should never be minimized. For with the bodily loss comes the loss of smug confidence in bodily invulnerability. If you don’t understand what you’ve really lost, trauma will hit, and it will hit hard.

Have you ever heard someone complain, “I don’t understand it. I give so much to others, and yet I get no recognition or respect. What’s wrong with this world?”

Well, the world is simply doing what it does best. And it’s going to keep on doing it, no matter how much you protest. The problem, then, is with the person who confuses pride with love.

For example, many persons in the helping professions—nurses, physicians, social workers, counselors, psychologists, and so on—feel motivated to take care of and help others. But all too often the motivation to be a caretaker derives from a need to project a certain image of oneself into the world, an image such as a “peacekeeper” that in itself might derive from a childhood role within a family system of conflict. In such cases, the caretaking becomes not much more than an exercise of authority and power over the patient. It happens all the time. Check into a hospital sometime and see how you’re really treated. It’s probably not with love.

In other words, many persons “give” in order to advertise an identity and to maintain a position of power. This is pride, not love, because love empties itself of worldly desires through service, in order to give selflessly. Pride, however, makes “giving” into a form of bribery, in order to get something bigger in return.

Maybe you will say, “Wait a minute. What can I give? I feel like mush inside. I’m already empty. I feel barren. It feels as if I have no identity. I have nothing to give.” Well, there is always something to give up, something that everyone holds on to as a final defense: you can give up the pride of feeling victimized, along with your secret hope to taste revenge for all the hurt and abuse you have ever suffered.

Victimization and Locus of Control

Rotter proposed the concept of locus of control (from the Latin locus, place) to refer to the psychological “place” in which a person puts responsibility for the outcomes of various life situations. Persons with an internal locus of control perceive that they can personally exert “control” over the outcome of a situation, whereas persons with an external locus of control attribute outcomes not so much to personal actions as to the actions of other people—or luck.

So notice the encounter in the complaint described at the beginning of this section. “I don’t understand.” These are the only words of “truth” in the entire complaint. Of course this person doesn’t understand. Understanding requires submission and true love, and that, sadly, is what he or she lacks. When you’re caught up in the unconscious desire to feel victimized, it feels as if your life is being stolen from you. You’re always clinging to what you’re afraid of losing. You can never rest, and you can never get enough in return to feel satisfied. In psychological terms, when you have an external locus of control you essentially live in a perpetual feeling of victimization, always blown about by the whims of the world around you. But when you love—and function from an internal locus of control—you lay down your life for others. When you love, you have nothing to lose, because you have already given up your pride—willingly.

Identification with the Aggressor

In 1973, in Stockholm, Sweden, a bank robber held four bank employees as hostages in the bank vault for six days. Oddly enough, when the standoff was finally ended, it was found that the employees had formed an emotional bond with their captor. This odd behavior came to be called the Stockholm Syndrome. A similar thing happened in the US when the heiress Patty Hearst was kidnapped in 1974; two months later she robbed a bank along with her captors.

All of this shows that when an emotional trauma threatens a person’s life, one form of psychological—and physical—defense is to bond with the threatening person. Thus, to preserve their lives, individuals will emotionally identify with the aggressors rather than resist them. Hence the name of the psychological defense, Identification with the Aggressor. (In contrast, and just for clarification, when victims of domestic violence kill their abusers, it has been called Battered Women’s Syndrome.)

But make no mistake about it. In a situation of total helplessness this sort of “traumatic bonding” may serve to keep you alive, and it may help to preserve your sanity, but it has nothing to do with real love or genuine forgiveness.

Halloween. Mardi Gras. Masquerades. Our cultures are full of ways we pretend that we can change our identities by changing our outward appearances.

In times past, a person’s hat really did identify his profession. And even today we wear uniforms (uni- means “one” and form means “shape” or “outward appearance”) which give one common appearance to all who perform a particular job function.

Most of us, however, understand full well that a uniform, in itself, does not mean anything. Unless you have been trained to perform a job, no matter what uniform you put on you won’t be able to perform that job.

Nevertheless, there is one uniform which does define us absolutely and which can never be changed. This is the uniform of the body, and it defines us sexually, according to reproductive function.

Reproductive sexuality is really quite simple, being a function of biology. The problems with sexual identity begin in the unconscious. Just as children tend to believe that what is seen is the real and so will confuse appearance with function, it often happens that a person will confuse sexual functioning with sexual appearance. There’s even a clinical term for this: Gender Identity Disorder.

But the truth is that no matter what clothes you wear, no matter what kind of play you enjoy, no matter whom you choose as playmates, no matter how you act—no matter, even, how you might change your body surgically—you can never change your reproductive reality.

Carl Jung long ago realized that each of us has, in the unconscious, psychological elements of the opposite gender. A man has his anima, and a woman has her animus. And although Jung identified other “parts” of the unconscious, which he called complexes, he didn’t take his ideas so far as to speak of ego states. We can now understand these states as simply unconscious identifications with the world around us.

All of this means that, regardless of the stereotypical gender roles and identities created by our cultures, all of us have the individual capacity to experience psychological elements of the opposite gender. So if you feel “out of place” because you don’t fit into society’s image of how a man or a woman should act, the problem may not be with “gender identity” but with society itself and its rigid stereotypes of human behavior.

So why, then, would anyone develop a desire to change reproductive reality? Well, even if you understand the reality of the soul, the basic facts of life—reproduction and death—are still painful realities. But as plain realities, they don’t mean anything; they just are. A fantasy of changing one’s personal meaning by changing one’s gender derives from a misguided belief that sexuality contains some mysterious, great secret that will release you from the hard facts of life, death, and social emptiness. So, at core, the fantasy, in its very impossibility, represents an unconscious attempt to escape death.

All fantasies, sexual or otherwise, really represent deep unconscious conflicts that, for the sake of ultimate health, must be properly understood and resolved. But if psychotherapy becomes nothing more than a political process to normalize fantasies—and even encourage you to act them out in reality—then the whole point of true healing is sadly missed.

Therefore, if you fail to recognize the inherent fraud of all identity in the first place, and instead desperately cling to the fantasy that there is something “wrong” with your body, this fantasy, like many other fears and fantasies, will only lead to great loneliness.

From all that has been said so far, you might be able to guess where loneliness comes from.

As long as you derive your identity from the world around you, you have to be concerned about losing it. Like a dragon sitting greedily on its hoard of treasure, your entire being will be caught up in defending what you are most afraid to lose.

Here, in this place of hoarding, is also the bitter core of prejudice. Its technical name is xenophobia, a fear or hatred of strangers or foreigners. For what is prejudice but your fear that the pleasure enjoyed by an “other” will somehow burst the identity you are trying so hard to puff up?

Nor can you be honest with others because if you speak your mind you might offend someone, and then he or she will turn away in a huff, taking your identity in the process, leaving you empty and “dead.” That’s what loneliness is. It’s a fear of psychological death.

Here, also, is the explanation for codependent behavior, as when someone enables (e.g., makes excuses for, or lies for) someone addicted to a substance (such as alcohol or cocaine) or a behavior (such as gambling or pornography). The sad truth is that whenever anyone in the addict’s social system has “too much to lose” by being honest about the addiction, then he or she is essentially as dependent on the addiction as the addict.

Real life—not the glossy advertising-agency image of “life”—on the other hand, is an embracing of all the uncertainty of your unconscious, an acceptance of your essential vulnerability, and a willingness to risk everything to trust in something far greater than what you “think” you are.

“Whoever knows how to die in all things will have life in all things.” ~ St. John of the CrossThe Sayings of Light and Love, no. 160.

Personal and Shared Space

2006-12-22T23:48:00.000+08:00

By nononsenseselfdefense.com

Boundaries … some are very real and tangible, like the fence that runs along your property. Others are inside you, determining what you do, what you don't do and what you will tolerate others doing to you.

What are boundaries?
A great deal has been said about people who have no boundaries and cannot stand up for themselves and how they are victimized by others -- sometimes violently. These people have not established those invisible boundaries of commitment to self; clarifying to themselves what they will and will not tolerate. Those are boundaries in their simplest forms.

However, there are another set of invisible boundaries that must be honored, much like that fence showing the limits of your yard. And these are other people's boundaries. The fence that keeps your neighbor's dog out, also keeps yours in. Boundaries work both ways. The prevent people from invading our space and they prevent us from invading the space of others.

By *not* knowing our boundaries, not only *don’t* we know when our space is being invaded, but just as importantly we *don’t* know when we are invading the space of others. It is not until we understand this dual nature of boundaries that we can begin to be truly safe from violence.

This is especially true when the issue of ‘defending our boundaries’ comes up. While it may sound absurd, many incidents have escalated into violence because the "victim" invades the attacker's space. At its most basic level, your right to defend yourself stops at your boundaries. Proceeding beyond this point makes you the aggressor.
Invading, not defending
Popular misconception is that passiveness and "letting people walk all over you" provokes violent attacks. Like the idea that rape happens with a stranger jumping out of the bushes -- whereas the overwhelming majority occur between people who know each other -- this is a minute issue that has been blown out of proportion by the popular media and culture. This perception has become so entrenched in the public mind that it obscures the realities.

The most significant of those overlooked realities is that most violence is, in fact, provoked, not by the victim's passiveness, but aggression.

Many people think that protecting your boundaries and being verbally aggressive are one and the same. This is an easy line to cross because at times like this emotions run high, blinding the people involved to what they are actually doing. They think a would-be assailant will be warned away if they make an intimidating strident and degrading production. Against ‘lightweights’ this is true; such people will be intimidated and back off.

Many people do not recognize the danger they are putting themselves in with this tactic.

But what about it's proven track record? They have used this tactic many times and with success. Assuming this strategy to be effective is, in fact, a mistake. It can earn one the reputation of being unreasonable among more sophisticated individuals. Which causes you long term damage. Furthermore, if you attempt this with a like-minded individual it can easily escalate into a heated exchange of verbal attacks, hysterics and hurt feelings

In truth though, this approach doesn't often have much to do with why a physical assault didn't take place. In many cases the potential assailant recognized that the behavior was attracting the attention of people who might successfully stop him. The presence of others, not what the person was doing, is what caused him to decide . In a round about way, it was could be called successful, but not for the reason the defender might think.

However...

What most people don’t realize is that such a production can also provoke a much more ferocious assault – especially from those who habitually use violence. Engaging in this same behavior with such a person while in an isolated area can have disastrous results. As will it if there is nobody present who the attacker feels would successfully interfere with his assault on you. Often the savagery of such attacks does deter people from helping. It is also common that the attacker becomes so upset with the verbal abuse that he decides to attack despite the presence of on-lookers and potential help.

There is a very important issue that must be considered when it comes to how we verbally deal with a potential assailant. Its essence is found in the old Roman saying, "A barking dog isn’t biting." Loud verbal hostility doesn’t show commitment to protect your boundaries. What it does show is that you are scared and not ready to physically remove someone from those boundaries. Realize that while such behavior might intimidate you, it won’t intimidate someone who is physically violent. By invading "his space" you have also in effect told him you don’t know where those boundaries are. And if you don't know where the boundaries are, then you also don't know when it is time to physically defend yourself. And that means he knows that you are vulnerable to assault.

If you are verbally aggressive with a would-be assailant, you've just crossed HIS personal boundaries -- you've upped the ante to where words might beget blows or worse. He probably began with a test to see if you were an easy victim. Your aggressive behavior has ensured that it is a matter of pride and honor that he attack you. Be very aware of this possibility.

A growling dog is more ready to bite than a barking dog. Don't think that potentially violent people don't know that applies to people too. Or that it doesn't effect who they misbehave with.
Personal and shared space
Now let's look at something else that is tangible, but also can be applied to the concept of boundaries. That is the idea of personal and shared space. Human beings need both to exist.

If you ever have had a roommate, you're acquainted with one of the better ways to explain this concept.. Personal space can be likened to your individual bedrooms. You have one, your roommate has one. And that space is yours and yours alone. How personal space is used, what is done in there is entirely up to the individual. How it is kept up, who is invited in and who is kept out are the rights of the person whose space it is. Shared space, however, is a space you both used. (e.g., the living room and kitchen). The rules were different in shared space. One of the most significant differences is that everybody must compromise.

Personal space is your space alone. It is your body, your thoughts and your emotions and if you live alone, your home. These are yours and nobody has the right to dictate how you maintain them, keep or use them. In as far as these boundaries go, you are literally the king or queen of your own domain.

Shared space, however, allows everyone there to fulfill life’s extra needs. Basically shared space is any situation were we have to go outside of ourselves or our private area in order to achieve an end or goal. These are areas were we gather, work, socialize, shop or take care of life's other's needs. They can also be social groups and their conventions or a relationship. While our personal space is for our own benefit and needs, shared space is for the benefit of everyone there.

However, there are responsibilities and rules that come with shared space. It is through convention and mutual agreement that we operate in shared space. Many of these issues are culturally determined, and we unconsciously adhere to them (see Dr. Desmond Morris, Manwatching) others are determined by a specific group or situation, while specific details are negotiated on a case-by-case basis.

Shared space can come in many levels, tangible publicly shared space can be supermarkets, malls, theaters, parking lots or workplaces. There is a large number of unwritten social rules about how people behave in shared space -- so as not to intrude on another’s personal space. How long do you look at a stranger (if you even look at him or her at all)? How closely do you pass on an uncrowded street? A crowded street? Where do your eyes rest in an elevator full of strangers? Even in publicly shared space, we have personal space. Many of the covenants of public shared space are designed not to invade another person’s private space.

Another level of shared space is the workplace. People come to work in order to get something they cannot get on their own, namely money. The nature of the profession, location and management style have significant influence on the "culture" of the workplace. While there, in order for everyone to achieve their mutual needs however, they are expected to conform to certain standards of behavior. These standards are not gratuitous, they in fact, often have been developed over time to avoid what would otherwise be common problems and to allow the greatest chances of mutual success. To achieve our greater needs, we accept and choose to abide by a more uniform standard of conduct. Although not financially beneficial, the same general process applies to participating with a particular social group or organization. Such a group has a certain set of shared standards in order to achieve ends. In such a case, the benefits, while just as critical, are often not obviously tangible.

Your home is a smaller version of this process. While individual family members bedrooms constitute personal space, the rest of the house and property are shared. The standards by which the rest of the house is kept and maintained for the benefit of all is an issue that must be negotiated and determined by all parties involved. One's right as how he or she keeps personal space ends where shared space begins.

In the most microcosmic version of personal and shared space you have a relationship with someone else. You and the other person, while each representing your own personal space, it is the relationship, your combined involvement, that represents shared space.
The source of many problems
It is a lack of understanding about the differences between personal and shared space that is the source of a great many conflicts, hurt feelings and stress. Some people have no concept where their personal space ends and shared space begins. Others intentionally treat shared space as though it were personal space. In either case you have a violation.

This is where the concept of "boundaries work both ways" become important. One of the most common trespasses is to treat shared space as personal space. To act - although you are in shared space - as though it is your own space. As such, you can do what you want or do to it what you will with no regard to anyone else's benefit or need. You do not have the right to dictate how things will be in shared space. That power is solely limited to inside your personal space.

A few simple examples of people treating shared space as though it were personal space come immediately to mind. A young bravado who turns his boom box to a deafening and annoying level in a public place is treating a shared space as his own personal domain. Now while his motivations for this behavior are debatable, the nature of the offense is not. He is violating a socially agreed upon standard of behavior. One designed so that everyone can peaceably co-exist and function in shared space. Another example is immediately recognizable by any parent of teenagers. And that is making a mess in shared space and leaving it for others to clean up. Motive, such as laziness, passive aggression, dominance or resistance to personal responsibility, for this sort of behavior can never be clearly established. That this is a clear violation of the rules of shared space, however, is unquestionable. When you look at this subject in this light, it does not take any effort to find examples of violation of shared space from your own life experiences -- and quite possibly a great many examples at that.

A more egregious violation occurs, however, when someone tries to extend their personal space, not only through shared space, but into another's personal space. This goes beyond simple rudeness and selfishness and -- depending on how severe the attempt -- starts heading into egomania, pathology and/or criminality (sometimes D) All of the above). People who try to control other people's personal space
Where do your rights start and end?
There is a much talk these days about "empowerment." Unfortunately, this model of personal and shared space tends to render that concept a moot point. When it comes to your personal space, your boundaries and your power, nobody can take it away from you. Only you can give it up or lose it. You can give it up by holding something more dear (i.e., security or personal beliefs) and sacrificing it to maintain that more valued ideal. Or you can lose it by frittering it away by not acting in a manner consistent with maintaining power. As such, another person is not so much, taking your power away as he is pouncing on an opportunity to get something. An opportunity that you presented him by not knowing your boundaries and what it takes to maintain them.

As stated, your personal space is yours and nobody else's. Nobody has the right to negate your thoughts or emotions. Nor do they have the right to tell you what to think or feel. Most especially nobody has the right to inflict their desires on your body without your expressed permission. These are your boundaries, your land, your home. And you have the right to do whatever it takes to defend against encroachment into your legitimate personal space. And the harder they push to encroach over that boundary the harder you are justified to push back to keep them off your land.

When it comes to shared space you have the absolute right to negotiate and compromise in order to get what you need. By the same token, however, you also have a responsibility to uphold those agreed upon standards.

What many people do not realize is that shared space is a win/win situation. That is to say *everybody* gets something out of it. In a functioning situation, the division of benefits is equal. If they are not, then something is amiss and the situation renegotiated. Furthermore since it is supposed to be a win/win situation for everybody's benefit, if someone isn't willing to negotiate and compromise, then you have the absolute right to leave and go to where you needs will be met. If that person isn't willing to compromise, then they don't get the benefit of your presence.
Git off mah land
Much of what we have said here is the groundwork for understanding where your boundaries start and end. With that understanding you can begin to build a working system to protect your legitimate boundaries. Without that understanding you cannot effectively defend your boundaries - because you won't know where they are and you will always be fighting shadows. But more importantly without that understanding you will violate the rules of shared and personal space and provoke a self-righteous retaliation from the people you are attempting to protect yourself from. If you violate that person's space, he or she will turn on you with the same outraged fury -- and for the same reason -- that you have. It won't matter who or what started it, or what perceived trespasses they may have visited on you, by violating their space, as far as they are concerned, you are in the wrong. And that is how feuds and long standing enmities are born -- or bloody murders done.

As we often say "You have the right to do what it takes to get someone off your property. The harder they push, the harder you are justified to push them back to your property line. However, you do not have the right to chase them down the street, across their front yard and onto their front porch. Nor do you have the right to tackle them in the middle of the street and beat the hell out of them for having trespassed on your property."
Shared Space distance rules and crime
One of the main sets of rules about shared space involve how closely we approach a stranger. Depending on the circumstances, it can range from five feet or more to inches. In an office lobby, you don’t come closer than five feet to strangers. However, in a crowded elevator we pull in those boundaries, sometimes to mere inches. We unconsciously know what is and what isn’t an acceptable distance in public and for the situation.

An unwarranted violation of these rules is a serious danger sign. For a criminal to be successful, he must break the unwritten social code and get close enough to violate your personal space. He has to do this to control you. A knife at two feet is a threat -- from there he leaves you no choice. But if he’s 10 feet away, you can run. He doesn’t have control. Therefore, in order for him to succeed, he has to approach you -- and in doing so, break the social codes.

Become a stickler for distance etiquette when you are in public -- do NOT let people approach you at inappropriate times. Unless you are in a line, crowded elevator or a crowd, don’t let anyone get closer than five feet. In a deserted parking lot, it’s 10 feet or more. That is your space, and he has no right to be there. If he tries to close, move wide. This will show you if it is an intentional or unintentional invasion. If you move and he continues on his way, it was unintentional. If he again veers towards you, be assured the invasion is intentional.

The time to communicate that you are not an easy target is when the criminal is in shared space. Don't allow him to violate the distance rules of shared space. Now is the time to show your commitment and knowledge of your boundaries. You are not invading his space, while at the same time not allowing him to invade yours. Your body language and actions will let him know that he cannot safely enter your space. This is where the habits, positioning and awareness of the Pyramid of Personal Safety come into play.

Why is this effective? Because until he actually commits himself to an attack, it is a game of chess. Even though he is up to no good, he has the right to be in shared space. Technically, he hasn’t done anything yet. You can keep him out of your personal space, but you can’t make him leave shared space. A cop or security guard can, but it’s not your job. If you try, you are escalating the situation.

If you do not stop someone in shared space and they invade your personal space, you must either defend yourself or be victimized. By dealing with issues in shared space, you allow yourself the freedom to move and, if necessary, leave the area. If you do a strategic withdrawal, head for the lights and the noise.

The concepts of personal and shared space -- both mental and physical -- are an integral part of avoiding being robbed or raped by a stranger. However, the reality of violence is that only a minute amount occurs between strangers. Most violence occurs between people who know one another. Awareness of personal and shared space not only prevents domestic violence and rape, but also benefits personal relationships.

Defense Mechanisms

2006-11-25T00:14:00.000+08:00

By Cross Creek Family Counseling Online

A number of phenomena are used to aid in the maintenance of repression. These are termed Ego Defense Mechanisms (the terms "Mental Mechanisms" and "Defense Mechanisms" are essentially synonymous with this).

The primary functions of these mechanisms are:
1. to minimize anxiety
2. to protect the ego
3. to maintain repression
Repression is useful to the individual since:
1. it prevents discomfort
2. it leads to some economy of time and effort
Ego Defense Mechanisms include:
Acting Out:
The individual deals with emotional conflict or internal or external stressors by actions rather than reflections or feelings. This definition is broader than the original concept of the acting out of transference feelings or wishes during psychotherapy and is intended to include behavior arising both within and outside the transference relationship. Defensive acting out is not synonymous with "bad behavior" because it requires evidence that the behavior is related to emotional conflicts.
Affiliation:
The individual deals with emotional conflict or internal or external stressors by turning to others for help or support. This involves sharing problems with others but does not imply trying to make someone else responsible for them.
Aim inhibition:
Placing a limitation upon instinctual demands; accepting partial or modified fulfillment of desires. Examples: (1) a person is conscious of sexual desire but if finding it frustrating, "decides" that all that is really wanted in the relationship is companionship. (2) a student who originally wanted to be a physician decides to become a physician's assistant.
Aim inhibition, like the other mechanisms, is neither healthful nor pathological, desirable nor undesirable, in itself. It may be better to have half a loaf than no bread, but an unnecessary aim inhibition may rob one of otherwise attainable satisfactions.
Note that the first example could include the mechanism of displacement, and the second, rationalization. Up to a point, mutual idealization can make for a happy relationship; however, unrealistic expectations of another person based upon this mechanism can lead to serious disappointment.
Altruism:
The individual deals with emotional conflict or internal or external stressors by dedication to meeting the needs of others. Unlike the self-sacrifice sometimes characteristic of reaction formation, the individual receives gratification either vicariously or from the response of others.
Anticipation:
The individual deals with emotional conflict or internal or external stressors by experiencing emotional reactions in advance of, or anticipating consequences of, possible future events and considering realistic, alternative responses or solutions.
Autistic Fantasy:
The individual deals with emotional conflict or internal or external stressors by excessive daydreaming as a substitute for human relationships, more effective action, or problem solving.
Avoidance:
A defense mechanism consisting of refusal to encounter situations, objects, or activities because they represent unconscious sexual or aggressive impulses and/or punishment for those impulses; avoidance, according to the dynamic theory, is a major defense mechanism in phobias.
Compensation:
Encountering failure or frustration in some sphere of activity, one overemphasizes another. The term is also applied to the process of over-correcting for a handicap or limitation. Examples: (1) a physically unattractive adolescent becomes an expert dancer. (2) a youth with residual muscle damage from poliomyelitis becomes an athlete. (3) Demosthenes.
Conversion:
Conflicts are presented by physical symptoms involving portions of the body innervated by sensory or motor nerves. This mechanism and somatization are the only ones that are always pathological. Examples: a man's arm becomes paralyzed after impulses to strike another (2) regular heavy drinking limited to weekends; (3) long periods of sobriety interspersed with binges of daily heavy drinking lasting for weeks or months.
Deflection:
Also detected when the individual is in group therapy and consists of redirecting attention to another group member.
Denial:
Failing to recognize obvious implications or consequences of a thought, act, or situation. Examples: (1) a person having an extramarital affair gives no thought to the possibility of pregnancy. (2) persons living near a volcano disregard the dangers involved. (3) a disabled person plans to return to former activities without planning a realistic program of rehabilitation.
Devaluation:
The individual deals with emotional conflict or internal or external stressors by attributing exaggerated negative qualities to self or others.
Displacement:
A change in the object by which an instinctual drive is to be satisfied; shifting the emotional component from one object or idea to another. Examples: (1) a woman is abandoned by her fiance’; she quickly finds another man about whom she develops the same feelings; (2) a salesman is angered by his superior but suppresses his anger; later, on return to his home, he punishes one of his children for misbehavior that would usually be tolerated or ignored.
Displacements are often quite satisfactory and workable mechanisms; if one cannot have steak, it is comforting to like hamburger equally well. As the March Hare observed, "I like what I have is the same as I have what I like." However, the example of displaced anger illustrates a situation which, if often repeated, could cause serious complications in the person’s life. Conscious acceptance of a substitute with full recognition that it is a substitute for something one wants is an analog of displacement.
Dissociation:
Splitting-off a group of thoughts or activities from the main portion of consciousness; compartmentalization. Example: a politician works vigorously for integrity in government, but at the same time engages in a business venture involving a conflict of interest without being consciously hypocritical and seeing no connection between the two activities.
Some dissociation is helpful in keeping one portion of one's life from interfering with another (e.g., not bringing problems home from the office). However, dissociation is responsible for some symptoms of mental illness; it occurs in "hysteria" (certain somatoform and dissociative disorders) and schizophrenia, The dissociation of hysteria involves a large segment of the consciousness while that in schizophrenia is of numerous small portions. The apparent splitting of affect from content often noted in schizophrenia is usually spoken of as dissociation of affect, though isolation might be a better term.
Fixation:
The cessation of the process of development of the personality at a stage short of complete and uniform mature independence is known as fixation.
Help-Rejecting Complaining:
The individual deals with emotional conflict or internal or external stressors by complaining or making repetitious requests for help that disguise covert feelings or hostility or reproach toward others, which are then expressed by rejecting the suggestions, advice, or help that others offer. The complaints or requests may involve physical or psychological symptoms or life problems.
Humor:
The individual deals with emotional conflict or external stressors by emphasizing the amusing or ironic aspects of the conflict or stressors.
Idealization:
Overestimation of the desirable qualities and underestimation of the limitations of a desired object. Examples: (1) a lover speaks in glowing terms of the beauty and intelligence of an average-looking woman who is not very bright. (2) a purchaser, having finally decided between two items, expounds upon the advantages of the one chosen.
Identification:
Similar to introjection, but of less intensity and completeness. The unconscious modeling of one's self upon another person. One may also identify with values and attitudes of a group. Examples: (1) without being aware that he is copying his teacher, a resident physician assumes a similar mode of dress and manner with patients. (2) a school girl wants her mother to buy her the same kind of shoes her classmates are wearing; she angrily rejects the idea that she is trying to be like the other girls and insists that the shoes are truly the best available and are the style she has always wanted. Conscious analogs of identification are intentional imitation of others and volitional efforts to conform to a group.
Incorporation:
The assimilation of the object into one's own ego and/or superego. This is one of the earliest mechanisms utilized. The parent becomes almost literally a part of the child. Parental values, preferences, and attitudes are acquired.
Intellectualization:
The individual deals with emotional conflict or internal or external stressors by the excessive use of abstract thinking or the making of generalizations to control or minimize disturbing feelings.
Introjection:
The process of assimilation of the picture of an object (as the individual conceives the object to be). For example, when a person becomes depressed due to the loss of a loved one, his feelings are directed to the mental image he possesses of the loved one.
Isolation:
The splitting-off of the emotional components from a thought. Example: a medical student dissects a cadaver without being disturbed by thoughts of death. Isolation may be temporary (affect postponement). Example: a bank teller appears calm and cool while frustrating a robbery but afterward is tearful and tremulous.
The mechanism of isolation is commonly over utilized by obsessive compulsives.
Omnipotence:
The individual deals with emotional conflict or internal or external stressors by feeling or acting as if he or she possesses special powers or abilities and is superior to others.
Passive Aggression:
The individual deals with emotional conflict or internal or external stressors by indirectly and unassertively expressing aggression toward others. There is a facade of overt compliance masking covert resistance, resentment, or hostility. Passive aggression often occurs in response to demands for independent action or performance or the lack of gratification of dependent wishes but may be adaptive for individuals in subordinate positions who have no other way to express assertiveness more avertly.
Projection:
Attributing one's thoughts or impulses to another person. In common use, this is limited to unacceptable or undesirable impulses. Examples: (1) a man, unable to accept that he has competitive or hostile feelings about an acquaintance, says, “He doesn’t like me.” (2) a woman, denying to herself that she has sexual feelings about a co-worker, accuses him, without basis, of flirt and described him as a “wolf.”
This defense mechanism is commonly over utilized by the paranoid.
A broader definition of projection includes certain operations that allow for empathy and understanding of others. Recognition that another person is lonely or sad may be based not upon having seen other examples of loneliness or sadness and learning the outward manifestations but upon having experienced the feelings and recognizing automatically that another person’s situation would evoke them. [projective identification]
Projective Identification:
As in projection, the individual deals with emotional conflict or internal or external stressors by falsely attributing to another his or her own unacceptable feelings, impulses, or thoughts. Unlike simple projection, the individual does not fully disavow what is projected. Instead, the individual remains aware of his or her own affects or impulses but mis-attributes them as justifiable reactions to the other person. Not infrequently, the individual induces the very feelings in others that were first mistakenly believed to be there, making it difficult to clarify who did what to whom first. [projection]
Rationalization:
Offering a socially acceptable and apparently more or less logical explanation for an act or decision actually produced by unconscious impulses. The person rationalizing is not intentionally inventing a story to fool someone else, but instead is misleading self as well as the listener. Examples: (1) a man buys a new car, having convinced himself that his older car won't make it through the winter. (2) a woman with a closet full of dresses buys a new one because she doesn't have anything to wear.
Reaction Formation:
Going to the opposite extreme; overcompensation for unacceptable impulses.Examples: (1) a man violently dislikes an employee; without being aware of doing so, he "bends overbackwards" to not criticize the employee and gives him special privileges and advances. (2) a person with strong antisocial impulses leads a crusade against vice. (3) a married woman who is disturbed by feeling attracted to one of her husband's friends treats him rudely.
Intentional efforts to compensate for conscious dislikes and prejudices are sometimes analogous to this mechanism.
Regression:
By another anxiety-evading mechanism known as regression, the personality may suffer a loss of some of the development already attained and may revert to a lower level of adaptation and expression.
Repression:
The involuntary exclusion of a painful or conflictual thought, impulse, or memory from awareness. This is the primary ego defense mechanism; others reinforce it.
Resistance:
This defense mechanism produces a deep-seated opposition to the bringing of repressed (unconscious) data to awareness. Through its operation, the individual seeks to avoid memories or insights which would arouse anxiety.
Restitution:
The mechanism of relieving the mind of a load of guilt by making up or reparation (paying up with interest).
Self-Assertion:
The individual deals with emotional conflict or stressors by expressing his or her feelings and thoughts directly in a way that is not coercive or manipulative.
Somatization:
Conflicts are represented by physical symptoms involving parts of the body innervated by the sympathetic and parasympathetic system. Example: a highly competitive and aggressive person, whose life situation requires that such behavior be restricted, develops hypertension.
Splitting:
This term is widely used today to explain the coexistence within the ego of contradictory states, representative of self and others, as well as attitudes to self and others; other individuals or the self is perceived as "All good or all bad.
Sublimation:
Attenuating the force of an instinctual drive by using the energy in other, usually constructive activities. This definition implies acceptance of the Libido Theory; the examples do not require it. Sublimation is often combined with other mechanisms, among them aim inhibition, displacement, and symbolization. Examples: (1) a man who is dissatisfied with his sex life but who has not stepped out on his wife becomes very busy repairing his house while his wife is out of town. Thus, he has no time for social activities. (2) a woman is forced to undertake a restrictive diet; she becomes interested in painting and does a number of still life pictures, most of which include fruit.
The conscious use of work or hobbies to divert one’s thoughts from a problem or from a rejected wish is an analog of this. Sublimation is often a desirable mechanism. However, the consequences may, in addition to preventing instinctual satisfaction, interfere with the person's life in other ways if disproportionate time, money, or effort is used in the activity.
Substitution:
Through this defense mechanism, the individual secures alternative or substitutive gratification comparable to those that would have been employed had frustration not occurred.
Suppression:
Usually fisted as an ego defense mechanism but actually the conscious analog of repression; intentional exclusion of material from consciousness. At times, suppression may lead to subsequent repression. Examples: (1) a young man at work finds that he is letting thoughts about a date that evening interfere with his duties; he decides not to think about plans for the evening until he leaves work. (2) a student goes on vacation worried that she may be failing; she decides not to spoil her holiday by thinking of school. (3) a woman makes an embarrassing faux pas at a party; she makes an effort to forget all about it.
In the first example, suppression was probably a desirable mechanism since it permitted concentration on work and deferred dealing with plans for the evening until a more appropriate time. In the second instance, suppression would have been undesirable if failing work could have been corrected during vacation or if a realistic appraisal of probable consequences of the school situation would have permitted battery planning.
Symbolization:
An object or act represents a complex group of objects and acts, some of which may be conflictual or unacceptable to the ego; objects or acts stand for a repressed desire. Examples: (1) a soldier, when asked why he volunteered, he said, "To defend the flag." He rejects as irrelevant a question about the purpose of the war. (2) a boy asks for a girl's hand (in marriage).
As in the second illustration, symbolization is often combined with displacement. it is one of the mechanisms usually involved in phobias. [avoidance] [displacement]
Undoing:
An act or communication which partially negates a previous one. Examples: (1) two close friends have a violent argument; when they next meet, each act as if the disagreement had never occurred. (2) when asked to recommend a friend for a job, a man makes derogatory comments which prevent the friend's getting the position; a few days later, the man drops in to see his friend and brings him a small gift.

In a conscious analog of this, Napoleon made it a practice after reprimanding any officer to find some words of praise to say at their next meeting.

The Journey to the Emotional Frontier Within - Emotional Defense Mechanisms

2006-11-24T16:39:00.000+08:00

By Robert Burney M.A.

"Until we can forgive ourselves and Love ourselves we cannot Truly Love and forgive any other human beings - including our parents who were only doing the best they knew how. They, too, were powerless to do anything any different - they were just reacting to their wounds.

It is necessary to own and honor the child who we were in order to Love the person we are. And the only way to do that is to own that child's experiences, honor that child's feelings, and release the emotional grief energy that we are still carrying around."

***

"We cannot learn to Love without honoring our Rage!

We cannot allow ourselves to be Truly Intimate with ourselves or anyone else without owning our Grief.

We cannot clearly reconnect with the Light unless we are willing to own and honor our experience of the Darkness.

We cannot fully feel the Joy unless we are willing to feel the Sadness.

We need to do our emotional healing, to heal our wounded souls, in order to reconnect with our Souls on the highest vibrational levels. In order to reconnect with the God-Force that is Love and Light, Joy and Truth."

Codependence: The Dance of Wounded Souls

Emotions are energy. Actual physical energy that is manifested in our bodies. Emotions are not thoughts - they do not exist in our mind. Our mental attitudes, definitions, and expectations can create emotional reactions, can cause us to get stuck in emotional states - but thoughts are not emotions. The intellectual and emotional are two distinctly separate though intimately interconnected parts of our being. In order to find some balance, peace, and sanity in recovery it is vitally important to start separating the emotional from the intellectual and to start setting boundaries with, and between, the emotional and mental parts of our self.

Many of us learned to live in our heads. To analyze, intellectualize, and rationalize as a defense against feeling our feelings. Some of us went to the other extreme and lived life based on our emotional reactions without any intellectual balance. Some of us would swing from one extreme to the other. Living life in the extremes or swinging between the extremes is dysfunctional - it does not work to create a balanced, healthy, happy life.

If you learned to live life in your head it is vitally necessary to start becoming more aware of your body and what is happening in your body emotionally. Where is there tension, tightness? Where is the energy manifesting in my body? I learned that when there is energy congregating in my upper chest it was sadness. If it was around my heart chakra it was hurt. Anger and fear manifest in my stomach. Until I started to become aware of, and identify, the emotional energy in my body it was impossible for me to be emotionally honest with myself. It was impossible for me to start owning, honoring, and releasing the emotional energy in a healthy way until I became aware that it was there.

I had to become aware that there were such things as emotions that lived in my body and then I had to start learning how to recognize and sort them out. I had to become aware of all the ways that I was trained to distance myself from my feelings. I am going to mention a few of them here to help any of you reading this in your process of becoming emotionally honest.

Speaking in the third person. One of the defenses many of us have against feeling our feelings is to speak of ourselves in the third person. "You just kind of feel hurt when that happens" is not a personal statement and does not carry the power of speaking in the first person. "I felt hurt when that happened" is personal, is owning the feeling. Listen to yourself and to others and become aware of how often you hear others and yourself refer to self in the third person.

Avoiding using primary feeling words. There are only a handful of primary feelings that all humans feel. There is some dispute about just how many there are primary but for our purpose here I am going to use seven. Those are: angry, sad, hurt, afraid, lonely, ashamed, and happy. It is important to start using the primary names of these feelings in order to own them and to stop distancing ourselves from the feelings. To say "I am anxious" or "concerned" or "apprehensive" is not the same as saying "I am afraid." Fear is at the root of all those other expressions but we don't have to be so aware of our fear if we use a word that distances us from fear. Expressions like "confused," "irritated," "upset," "tense," "disturbed," "melancholy," "blue," "good," or "bad" are not primary feeling words.

Emotions are energy that is meant to flow: E - motion = energy in motion. Until we own it, feel it and release it, it cannot flow. By blocking and repressing our emotions we are damming up our internal energy and that will eventually result in some physical or mental manifestation such as cancer or alzheimers disease or whatever.

Until we can start being emotionally honest with ourselves it is impossible to be truly honest on any level with anybody. Until we start becoming emotionally honest with ourselves it is impossible to know who we Truly are. Our emotions tell us who we are and without emotional honesty it is impossible to be True to our self because we don't know ourselves.

Of course there is a very good reason we have had to be emotionally dishonest. It is because we are carrying around unresolved grief - suppressed pain, terror, shame, and rage energy from our childhoods. Until we deal with our unresolved grief and start releasing the suppressed, pressurized emotional energy from our past it is impossible to be comfortable in our own skins, in the moment, in an emotionally honest, age-appropriate way. Until we become willing to take the journey to the emotional frontier within us we cannot Truly know who we are, we cannot Truly start to forgive and Love ourselves.

Makow-Why Men Are Losing Interest in Women

2006-11-22T21:41:00.000+08:00

The Ravages of Feminism

By Henry Makow, Ph.D.9-29-3

ABC TV's flagship public affairs program "20/20" Friday was devoted to the "biggest secret of American marriage."

http://abcnews.go.com/sections/2020/Living/2020_sexlessmarriage030926.html

"As many as 20% of American marriages are sexless," host Barbara Walters intoned. "It's not women who don't want sex as you might expect, it's the men!"

The program focused on two couples. In both cases, feminist mind control is responsible for their problems but the TV show wouldn't admit this.

One man was married to an attractive 30-something woman who is a stripper! Reporter John Stossel thought this made her husband's indifference even more astonishing. The show's marital therapist, Michele Weiner-Davis, ignored this as an explanation for his impotence.

Feminist groupthink says a woman's sexuality is just like a man's, hers to enjoy (or sell). In this essentially lesbian mindset, the male's ability to respond to such a woman is irrelevant.

I beg to differ. The stripper's husband is impotent because he is a cuckold. Sex is an act of possession. The husband cannot possess his wife because she gives herself to hundreds of other men every day. She makes her living this way.

When a woman's sexuality is her own, essentially it belongs to any man. She becomes public property, which is what the framers of the Communist Manifesto envisaged. (Children also would belong to the state.) She is less fit for a long-term monogamous relationship.

A woman best thrives in the context of a loving marriage. Despite what feminism says, most women want to belong to one man, their husband.

The Second Couple

Here the wife criticizes and nags.

"I can't be myself," the husband says. "I'm walking on eggshells all the time."

By controlling her husband, the wife is emasculating him. He compensates by riding a Harley and volunteering at the local fire department.

The therapist suggests that the wife stop nagging and the husband listen. She doesn't notice that the husband responds only after the wife starts to cry.

Men respond to vulnerability in a woman not power. As I have said before, heterosexual love involves the exchange of power for love. Men want power. Women want love. The female surrenders and allows the male to protect and possess her.

In return for her acquiescence, the male loves her in the full sense of the word. He is in charge but he also wants her to be happy. This is natural when someone makes you happy.

My wife's mother gave her good advice: "Look for a man to take care of you but be able to take care of yourself."

PENIS EQUALS POWER

In the film The Crying Game (1992), director Neil Jordan captures the experience of the modern male: When the protagonist discovers his girlfriend has a penis, he rushes from the room and vomits.

The film notwithstanding, female impersonators are mostly women. By encouraging women to be "strong and independent", feminism has fitted them with a mental phallus. They have become like men and made men redundant. They try to coerce love as if men were hand puppets.

In reality, a woman's power consists in being without a penis, being everything a man is not. Not loud, aggressive, forceful, dynamic, muscular and driven. Some weak men are drawn to these "dynamic" women but they are really looking for themselves.

Feminine power consists in persuasion rather than force. A real woman relies on her moral authority and attraction, i.e. beauty, grace, charm, love and devotion. These women are extremely rare and naturally in great demand.

Men and women are different. Jonathan Swift remarked that women love flattery but generally men are embarrassed by it. This is because men are active and women are passive.

The universe is held in balance by these positive (active) and negative (passive) principles. Marriage is the way heterosexuals achieve balance.

MEN NEED TO TAKE CHARGE

Men have been emasculated. A man told me that he is afraid his wife would "go ballistic" if he asked her why she didn't even wash the dishes after he had spent the day doing home renovations.

An Australian man recently wrote to me: "For too long I have made girlfriends insecure by not telling them what I wanted because of a fear of appearing overbearing."

Men need to assert their just leadership and dump women who don't like it. There are plenty of fish in the sea and believe me they are biting. With patience and firmness, some feminists can be saved. The rest should be thrown back.

Generally speaking, men need to figure out what they want to accomplish with their life. We need to ask God what He wants us to do. Then define the role we want our wife to play and find a woman who is eager to play it.

This is want women want too. Women are attracted to dynamic men whom they cannot control. He must have a wholesome vision of life where she is cherished for her contribution.

FEMINIST ROAD KILL

Feminist propaganda teaches that sex roles are merely "stereotypes". As a result, millions of people are clueless about their sexual identities and suffer from arrested development. I was one of them.

At age 53 normally I would have had at least three children. Instead, I have one child and have been divorced three times. It took me until age 50 to figure out what was happening and make a successful marriage.

Feminism corrected some abuses and gave women more opportunity. But these reforms mask its real agenda. It is a psychological warfare program to depopulate and destabilize society, invented by the same Illuminists who gave us Communism. They exploit any grievance to advance their "New World Order" a system of world government that omits any mention of democracy.

Contrary to what media and educators would have us believe, the world is run by occult perverts and super rich criminals. This sounds outrageous I know. If it were fiction, I would have made up something more credible. Read William T Still, New World Order: The Ancient Plan of Secret Societies, 1990.

The Illuminists control us using the education system and mass media. We are conditioned to listen to others instead of trust our common sense and instincts. Generally speaking, people are very gullible.

CONCLUSION

The woman's role is to empower a man. He uses this power for her benefit. Together they are a team. Heterosexuality works this way.

We cannot conceive that the people who lead society wish us harm. But I'm afraid this is the case. Generally feminism has resulted in the degradation of women, family, and society.
Communism and Nazism were both dress rehearsals for the New World Order. But remember: Communism and Nazism both failed. The New World Order, a.k.a. "globalism" will fail too. The human race cannot be enslaved.

5 Secrets of Getting a Man to Open Up

2006-11-11T12:02:00.000+08:00

by Dr. Brenda Shoshanna

"I don't know what he's thinking because he never tells me what is going on."

Sound familiar? In a recent poll, 42 percent of iVillage visitors say that they have a hard time getting their partner to share his feelings. When that happens, she feels shut out and he feels misunderstood. But in my years as a therapist and author, I've discovered something that many women don't realize. Men want to talk. Under the right conditions, they'll talk all night long. Most men desperately need to unburden themselves. So what's the secret to getting your guy to share? Read on -- and get ready to receive an earful.

Secret 1:
Real Men Fear Rejection -- Really!
It's true. Most men feel that women are very critical of them, and they worry that if they do open up, someone's going to laugh at them, leaving them rejected and humiliated. It's important for women to realize that a man's ego and sense of identity are generally more fragile than hers and more easily threatened. That is especially so when he's in an intimate relationship: He craves acknowledgment, feedback and knowing that he's pleased you. So if a man feels that you are going to judge him, or look at him differently as a result of what he says, you can be sure that he won't talk.

Not judging your partner means allowing him to say what is on his mind, and simply being willing to hear it. This does not mean that you don't have an opinion or that you can't offer it at some point. In order for him open up to you, he has to feel truly accepted for who he is, not for who you may want him to be. Be patient with him. If you respond to his thoughts by immediately offering your point of view with something like "Well, that's wrong. I don't agree" or, "Where did you get a crazy idea like that?" any man is going to clam right up. They're afraid if they say something too personal, it may not fit into the image you have of them, or the image they force themselves to project.

A man is many different things at different points in his life -- even at different points in the week or day. Don't be afraid to allow him to show you all different parts of himself. If you can let go of your expectations and really just try to find out who he is, he will immediately sense it, feel greatly at ease and enjoy talking to you.

Secret 2: Reveal Yourself as Well
There must be mutual disclosure between partners. Everybody has problems, fears and skeletons in the closet. Many guys think, "If I share this, she'll leave me." You have to show that this is not the case by revealing something about yourself that shows you have as much trust in him as he has in you.

When he starts to open up, listen to what he is saying, then take a step beyond and offer something positive in return. After he tells you something personal, say something like, "Well, that's not so bad. I've done worse." Or, "I really admire this about what happened" and pick something in the story you really do admire. (Don't make this up, though. It will fall flat and turn into manipulation. People always know when they are being manipulated on some level and it never works out.) Let him know you're on his team, that he is not alone with his experience.

Make sure as you give him feedback, that you take his side. Many women listen to the stories that men tell only to respond by telling him how he's been looking at it wrong. They take the side of someone else. In a story about work, for example, it's the coworker he's been having a hard time with. It is important, however, that you look at the situation from his point of view. This is not a time to teach or train him, it's a time to "make friends." When two people are making friends, they share their common experiences mutually and, because of that, experience closeness and comfort. Here, you're creating rapport, the feeling that the two of you occupy the same planet and live in a similar world.

It's amazing how many men feel tremendously alone. Not only have they been trained for silence, taught that it is unmanly to express what they are going through, they usually don't get feedback from the guys in their world. Your honest and positive feedback is vital. If you bond in this way, your partner will feel there is someone there who understands them and open up even more.

Secret 3: Let Go of the Past
Have you ever had a "discussion" with your partner that ended up turning into a litany of past grievances, the things he did wrong, the ways he hurt you, and what he owes you now? It happens at some point in nearly every relationship, but the fact remains; men cringe when they feel this coming.

When a man fears that his words will later be distorted, misunderstood, told to others or thrown back at him, it is impossible for him to open up. And the only way to move beyond this communication trap is to realize that whatever happened in the past, whatever he did or said, you were involved as well. All relationships are dances. No one is entirely good and no one entirely bad. In fact, rather than seeing anyone as good or bad, it is more useful to notice the roles being played in the relationship and the ways in which all of us become stuck in patterns that we don't know how to get out of.

For example, some women love playing the victim or martyr. They need the blame of the relationship in order to validate their own feelings and feel powerful over their partner. In fact, they may hold a man to them in this way for a while. But it's a sure sign that the communication has completely closed down and the relationship is on the rocks.

If you want to avoid or change this sorry state of affairs and help him speak to you openly, try this. Take responsibility for your part in the situation and see the ways in which you might have contributed to what happened. This does not mean blaming yourself, either. Just to look at the situation with a large eye. Focus on all the things he did "right," not "wrong." If you need more direction here, take out your journal and make lists of what you've received from the relationship and what you've given in return. Notice times when you were also less than perfect, and notice the ways in which both of you have grown and changed.

The ability to forgive may be just as simple as realizing that what was true a year ago about him (and about yourself as well) may not be true now. Stay focused in the present. True communication requires the ability to remain in the present and to let the past be over when it's done.

Secret 4: Become a Solid -- and Secure -- Listener
Is it even possible to have honest relationships? The assumption is that everybody's going to be honest. The truth is, few people are. And the main reason that people are dishonest is that the consequences are too big. Many men feel that women want and need to be lied to because they can't take the honest truth. Some of my clients have said that they fear telling their partner what is really going on in their lives, or how they truly feel because it will upset her. In fact, many women use their emotions to control men -- and control the relationship. They demand certain responses from men, and feel devastated if they don't get them. Then they're surprised when he shuts down and doesn't talk.

Unfortunately, many women also have strong images of how a man is "supposed" to feel, and think. That kind of fantasy makes the truth devastating, so they let the man know in many subtle ways that they do not want it. Sound familiar? We're all guilty of this from time to time, but being willing to listen to what he has to say is the beginning of a truly mature relationship. It gives the man the feeling that he has a solid partner who will be there with him through thick and thin.

If you're ready to break out of this unrealistic rut, it's time to ask yourself three things. How much of the truth you can tolerate? How much do you really want? Do you want your man to be a fantasy figure for you, or are you willing to allow him to become real? These are huge questions. Perhaps you cannot take all of the truth at once right now, but you can certainly build up your tolerance muscles and move in that direction.
Oddly enough, we all think that fantasy makes us feel wonderful, but in fact, the more reality we can take, the stronger we grow. The ability to accept honesty from others increases as we realize that true security comes not from the approval of others but from being true to ourselves.

Secret 5: Be True to Yourself -- Be Aware
It's an old question but a good one. How can we be true to another if we aren't true to ourselves? The best way to help a man open up is simply to be open yourself, be natural, be real and exude an atmosphere of warmth and acceptance. Those who we encounter in life are mirrors of different parts of ourselves and we attract certain people who each help us love another part of ourselves.

This is why it's important to apply the five topics covered here not only to the men in our lives but also to ourselves. For example, are you able to let go of judging yourself? Do you dismiss past grievances about the things you've done wrong? Or are you always dwelling on mistakes you've made, ways in which you've fallen short? When you treat yourself this way, it is only natural to do the same thing to your partner. If when young you were always scolded or made to feel inadequate in some way, you are likely to act the same way toward your man.

Awareness is crucial here. If you want to create a more open dynamic between your partner and yourself, take a strong inventory of the way you treat and regard yourself and the way you were treated by the significant others of your past. If you were hurt, this is your chance to make a decision to not live your life on automatic-pilot-of-the-past anymore. Turn it around. Decide to be kind and accepting, both of yourself and to the one you're with.

Sometimes we give in to another in the expectation of receiving the same in return. When that doesn't happen, silent fury starts to build. That is behaving with an agenda, giving mixed messages and not being true to another or yourself. In order to give of yourself truly, you have to realize that you "get" as much out of giving as out of receiving. When you give the other unconditional respect and regard, you are giving that to yourself as well. You are behaving in the best way possible, and the fine effects always reverberate back. When you treat others in a way you respect, you are building a sense of value and worth. If your partner doesn't reciprocate, you won't have to feel like it's your failing or loss. Instead you will easily move on to someone who is more like you.

The bottom line: Be true to yourself and you will find that it is contagious. The men (and women) you are with will start to behave the same way. They will communicate openly and naturally, not with a fixed agenda, not to manipulate or control. If they don't behave this way, they will naturally move out of your life -- to a place that is more appropriate for them.

You've got to find what you love

2006-11-11T11:18:00.000+08:00

Stanford Report, June 14, 2005

'You've got to find what you love,' Jobs says

This is the text of the Commencement address by Steve Jobs, CEO of Apple Computer and of Pixar Animation Studios, delivered on June 12, 2005.

I am honored to be with you today at your commencement from one of the finest universities in the world. I never graduated from college. Truth be told, this is the closest I've ever gotten to a college graduation. Today I want to tell you three stories from my life. That's it. No big deal. Just three stories.

The first story is about connecting the dots.

I dropped out of Reed College after the first 6 months, but then stayed around as a drop-in for another 18 months or so before I really quit. So why did I drop out?

It started before I was born. My biological mother was a young, unwed college graduate student, and she decided to put me up for adoption. She felt very strongly that I should be adopted by college graduates, so everything was all set for me to be adopted at birth by a lawyer and his wife. Except that when I popped out they decided at the last minute that they really wanted a girl. So my parents, who were on a waiting list, got a call in the middle of the night asking: "We have an unexpected baby boy; do you want him?" They said: "Of course." My biological mother later found out that my mother had never graduated from college and that my father had never graduated from high school. She refused to sign the final adoption papers. She only relented a few months later when my parents promised that I would someday go to college.

And 17 years later I did go to college. But I naively chose a college that was almost as expensive as Stanford, and all of my working-class parents' savings were being spent on my college tuition. After six months, I couldn't see the value in it. I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life and no idea how college was going to help me figure it out. And here I was spending all of the money my parents had saved their entire life. So I decided to drop out and trust that it would all work out OK. It was pretty scary at the time, but looking back it was one of the best decisions I ever made. The minute I dropped out I could stop taking the required classes that didn't interest me, and begin dropping in on the ones that looked interesting.

It wasn't all romantic. I didn't have a dorm room, so I slept on the floor in friends' rooms, I returned coke bottles for the 5¢ deposits to buy food with, and I would walk the 7 miles across town every Sunday night to get one good meal a week at the Hare Krishna temple. I loved it. And much of what I stumbled into by following my curiosity and intuition turned out to be priceless later on. Let me give you one example:

Reed College at that time offered perhaps the best calligraphy instruction in the country. Throughout the campus every poster, every label on every drawer, was beautifully hand calligraphed. Because I had dropped out and didn't have to take the normal classes, I decided to take a calligraphy class to learn how to do this. I learned about serif and san serif typefaces, about varying the amount of space between different letter combinations, about what makes great typography great. It was beautiful, historical, artistically subtle in a way that science can't capture, and I found it fascinating.

None of this had even a hope of any practical application in my life. But ten years later, when we were designing the first Macintosh computer, it all came back to me. And we designed it all into the Mac. It was the first computer with beautiful typography. If I had never dropped in on that single course in college, the Mac would have never had multiple typefaces or proportionally spaced fonts. And since Windows just copied the Mac, its likely that no personal computer would have them. If I had never dropped out, I would have never dropped in on this calligraphy class, and personal computers might not have the wonderful typography that they do. Of course it was impossible to connect the dots looking forward when I was in college. But it was very, very clear looking backwards ten years later.

Again, you can't connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future. You have to trust in something — your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever. This approach has never let me down, and it has made all the difference in my life.

My second story is about love and loss.

I was lucky — I found what I loved to do early in life. Woz and I started Apple in my parents garage when I was 20. We worked hard, and in 10 years Apple had grown from just the two of us in a garage into a $2 billion company with over 4000 employees. We had just released our finest creation — the Macintosh — a year earlier, and I had just turned 30. And then I got fired. How can you get fired from a company you started? Well, as Apple grew we hired someone who I thought was very talented to run the company with me, and for the first year or so things went well. But then our visions of the future began to diverge and eventually we had a falling out. When we did, our Board of Directors sided with him. So at 30 I was out. And very publicly out. What had been the focus of my entire adult life was gone, and it was devastating.

I really didn't know what to do for a few months. I felt that I had let the previous generation of entrepreneurs down - that I had dropped the baton as it was being passed to me. I met with David Packard and Bob Noyce and tried to apologize for screwing up so badly. I was a very public failure, and I even thought about running away from the valley. But something slowly began to dawn on me — I still loved what I did. The turn of events at Apple had not changed that one bit. I had been rejected, but I was still in love. And so I decided to start over.

I didn't see it then, but it turned out that getting fired from Apple was the best thing that could have ever happened to me. The heaviness of being successful was replaced by the lightness of being a beginner again, less sure about everything. It freed me to enter one of the most creative periods of my life.

During the next five years, I started a company named NeXT, another company named Pixar, and fell in love with an amazing woman who would become my wife. Pixar went on to create the worlds first computer animated feature film, Toy Story, and is now the most successful animation studio in the world. In a remarkable turn of events, Apple bought NeXT, I returned to Apple, and the technology we developed at NeXT is at the heart of Apple's current renaissance. And Laurene and I have a wonderful family together.

I'm pretty sure none of this would have happened if I hadn't been fired from Apple. It was awful tasting medicine, but I guess the patient needed it. Sometimes life hits you in the head with a brick. Don't lose faith. I'm convinced that the only thing that kept me going was that I loved what I did. You've got to find what you love. And that is as true for your work as it is for your lovers. Your work is going to fill a large part of your life, and the only way to be truly satisfied is to do what you believe is great work. And the only way to do great work is to love what you do. If you haven't found it yet, keep looking. Don't settle. As with all matters of the heart, you'll know when you find it. And, like any great relationship, it just gets better and better as the years roll on. So keep looking until you find it. Don't settle.

My third story is about death.

When I was 17, I read a quote that went something like: "If you live each day as if it was your last, someday you'll most certainly be right." It made an impression on me, and since then, for the past 33 years, I have looked in the mirror every morning and asked myself: "If today were the last day of my life, would I want to do what I am about to do today?" And whenever the answer has been "No" for too many days in a row, I know I need to change something.

Remembering that I'll be dead soon is the most important tool I've ever encountered to help me make the big choices in life. Because almost everything — all external expectations, all pride, all fear of embarrassment or failure - these things just fall away in the face of death, leaving only what is truly important. Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked. There is no reason not to follow your heart.

About a year ago I was diagnosed with cancer. I had a scan at 7:30 in the morning, and it clearly showed a tumor on my pancreas. I didn't even know what a pancreas was. The doctors told me this was almost certainly a type of cancer that is incurable, and that I should expect to live no longer than three to six months. My doctor advised me to go home and get my affairs in order, which is doctor's code for prepare to die. It means to try to tell your kids everything you thought you'd have the next 10 years to tell them in just a few months. It means to make sure everything is buttoned up so that it will be as easy as possible for your family. It means to say your goodbyes.

I lived with that diagnosis all day. Later that evening I had a biopsy, where they stuck an endoscope down my throat, through my stomach and into my intestines, put a needle into my pancreas and got a few cells from the tumor. I was sedated, but my wife, who was there, told me that when they viewed the cells under a microscope the doctors started crying because it turned out to be a very rare form of pancreatic cancer that is curable with surgery. I had the surgery and I'm fine now.

This was the closest I've been to facing death, and I hope its the closest I get for a few more decades. Having lived through it, I can now say this to you with a bit more certainty than when death was a useful but purely intellectual concept:

No one wants to die. Even people who want to go to heaven don't want to die to get there. And yet death is the destination we all share. No one has ever escaped it. And that is as it should be, because Death is very likely the single best invention of Life. It is Life's change agent. It clears out the old to make way for the new. Right now the new is you, but someday not too long from now, you will gradually become the old and be cleared away. Sorry to be so dramatic, but it is quite true.

Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma — which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of others' opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.

When I was young, there was an amazing publication called The Whole Earth Catalog, which was one of the bibles of my generation. It was created by a fellow named Stewart Brand not far from here in Menlo Park, and he brought it to life with his poetic touch. This was in the late 1960's, before personal computers and desktop publishing, so it was all made with typewriters, scissors, and polaroid cameras. It was sort of like Google in paperback form, 35 years before Google came along: it was idealistic, and overflowing with neat tools and great notions.

Stewart and his team put out several issues of The Whole Earth Catalog, and then when it had run its course, they put out a final issue. It was the mid-1970s, and I was your age. On the back cover of their final issue was a photograph of an early morning country road, the kind you might find yourself hitchhiking on if you were so adventurous. Beneath it were the words: "Stay Hungry. Stay Foolish." It was their farewell message as they signed off. Stay Hungry. Stay Foolish. And I have always wished that for myself. And now, as you graduate to begin anew, I wish that for you.

Stay Hungry. Stay Foolish.

Thank you all very much.

10 Traits Men Look for in a Girlfriend

2006-11-11T00:25:00.000+08:00

by Francesca Di Meglio

Our mission: To find out exactly what men are looking for in a good girlfriend. Impossible? Not exactly. We simply turned to Lisa Daily, syndicated relationship columnist and author of Stop Getting Dumped, who promises to help readers find and marry "the one" in three years or less. Daily followed her own advice and married her dream man, who proposed at the top of the Eiffel Tower after a six-month courtship. Now, she is determined to help other single gals do the same. A dating guru, Daily interviewed — and continues to do so — hundreds of bachelors to find out what makes a woman marriage material in this day and age. Here, Daily dishes about the 10 traits every man is looking for in a serious girlfriend:

1. She has a life of her own — and it's pretty good to boot. Ladies, this means that you take care of yourself, pay attention to your personal style and find time to hang with your fabulous friends and family. You seek adventure by traveling. And you take in life's pleasures — from indulging in dessert to walking through the park on a sunny day. "You don't expect your boyfriend to be your entire existence," says Daily. In other words, you're not waiting for some man to show up, so you can get your "real life" started.

2. She never makes the first move. This issue has been debated to death, and there is no true consensus. But Daily says that she strongly believes women should never, ever pursue a man. Instead, she suggests waiting for the man to initiate and plan dates. Her reasoning: If the woman is always the one calling, she will never know if he is really interested in her or if it's just convenient for him. She may find herself questioning the relationship every step of the way. Men simply aren't programmed to think like that and therefore are better suited to the chase, Daily says.

3. She is sexy without being trampy. This means something different at the beginning of the relationship than it does down the road, Daily says. In the beginning of courtship, a woman should refrain from making any comments that are overtly sexual. She also flirts by using nonsexual touch like placing her hand on his forearm or even the knee but only briefly. When the relationship gets more serious, and presumably more intimate, sexual touch and public displays of affection are more appropriate. At this point, it's okay to play footsie under the table.

4. She waits to have sex. Yes, the sexual revolution arrived long ago and few people expect a "pure white bride" nowadays. But sex is still a pretty big step for couples. Daily says that many women don't even realize just how much sex changes the dynamics of a relationship. When women have sex, they release a hormone called oxytocin (also referred to as "the cuddle hormone"), which some scientific researchers believe makes women feel extra warm and fuzzy for their sex partners. Daily warns that if women do the deed too soon, they might make too much of a relationship that barely ever existed outside of the bedroom. When you inflate the significance of a relationship, the man often bolts. Daily's advice is to wait at least one month into the relationship before having sex with your new man.

5. She does little things to show she cares. Daily has one friend who noticed that her traveling salesman boyfriend never had time to get his shirts washed, so he would just go out and buy new ones. Her friend started to drop off his laundry at the dry cleaners once a week. Daily herself cooks for her husband. "It's as if he doesn't even know where the kitchen is," she says. "But that's not to say that he starves when I'm out of town." No, you do not have to turn into June Cleaver. The bottom line is that you should want to do the little things that let him know you care and you are paying attention to his individual needs. And he should do the same for you. Daily boasts that her man scrapes the ice off her windshield on cold winter mornings!

6. She should be her boyfriend's best wingman — err, wing woman. Help him to look good in front of the boss, advises Daily. Laugh at his jokes and help him shine when it is important. Of course, again, he should do the same for you.

7. She never turns on the pressure. This one is important. Men have a distinct aversion to any sort of pressure, says Daily. Therefore, women should avoid calling and/or emailing him many times during the day or dropping hints about the future. In fact, keep the dreaded M-word (marriage) out of your vocabulary all together. "Men don't want to constantly take the pulse of a relationship," says Daily. "They would rather just enjoy it."

8. She does not take any crap — from anyone. A good woman never accepts bad behavior. Guys respect women with whom they can't get away with anything. If he knows there's a penalty — like getting thrown to the curb — for a serious violation like cheating, he'll respect you more, and he will be far less likely to do it. You should also never even bother to date married men, those who already have girlfriends or anyone who verbally or physically threatens or abuses you. Period.

9. A good woman always chooses a good man. That means that you should look for someone who is honest and dependable. He has to treat you right. If he says he is going to be somewhere, he is there. Chivalry is not dead, by the way. "Good manners are a deeper window into what kind of man he truly is," Daily says. You should also have compatible views on money (which is the number one thing couples fight about). Even though they say opposites attract, savers should think twice before shacking up with wild spenders.

10. She knows that love is the biggest part of the mating equation. Just how does a good woman know that she has found that crazy-for-you, toe-curling relationship? Daily says that some women have an "a-ha" moment, while love simply sneaks up on the rest. "I believe the feeling includes a unique sense of comfort and acceptance and the feeling that someone else's happiness is as important to you as your own," Daily says. "A certain amount of toe curling is key as well."

Managing Your Time Effectively

2006-11-11T00:14:00.000+08:00

By Michael Bucci

Children never really worry about time. In fact, the whole concept of time is somewhat alien to them. Kids only think about time when it's "bedtime" and they can't watch their favorite television show.

As time passes, we eventually all become adults and it is often with some difficulty that we come to realize that time is something that needs to be managed properly; it is truly a scarce resource.

the concept of time management
The reality of time management is quite simple: you only have 24 hours available to you on any given day. In order to be most productive, you must organize your time in such a way to get the most things done.

Sounds simple enough yet so many people are continuously searching for "more time," when they could have had that time… if only they took a few minutes every week to plan their schedule beforehand.
a prerequisite for success
Have you ever wondered what kind of work schedule a guy like Bill Gates keeps? How about Michael Jordan, Ted Turner or Larry Ellison? All very successful men in their respective fields.

In fact, these are some of the most accomplished men of all time, and a big part of their success comes from finding the time to get things done. Put differently, these men are masters at managing time. Sure, they have secretaries that help them do it, but this just goes to show that they take "time" seriously.

Perhaps you are still in school or starting out in the business world; either way, you should know up front that to reach the top you will have to learn how to make the most of every minute of every day, without driving yourself crazy in the process.

Be forewarned: time management is not something that you'll learn in business school or at your new job. You are now swimming with the sharks and you can either become one of them or be their lunch. The choice is yours.

Of course, no one wants to be someone else's lunch, so here are some quick tips that will help you better manage your time and maximize your work efforts.

The first thing to keep in mind when managing your time is that it is more common sense than rocket science. What follows is a very basic way to manage your time properly:

building an efficient schedule
Learn to view time as interchangeable blocks. Anything you do will require a block of time. Sometimes it will be a small block of time (such as picking up your clothes at the dry cleaner) and sometimes it will be a large block of time (such as a 4 hour sales pitch to some potential clients). The point here is that every task you must accomplish consists of a block of time.
Once you've understood the concept of "blocking" your time, you can start building a schedule. At their most basic, schedules are simply large blocks of time that are subdivided into smaller, more manageable blocks. Depending on how busy you are, you can start by using a monthly or weekly block. From there, you block off your time on a daily and hourly basis.

For example, at the beginning of the month you might have 7 days of scheduled meetings. Thus, you know from the onset that those 7 days have blocks of time already allotted, leaving less time in each day to accomplish your daily work. If you need to schedule additional meetings, try to schedule them on days where you have no previous engagements. That is, on days where you have more free blocks available. This helps minimize congestion and overlapping.
weekly & daily management
Once you have a bird's eye view of your month, you can calculate how many hours are left in each week and each day. The next step is to plan each day for maximum efficiency. To do this, you have to accurately estimate how long the tasks at hand should take, then block the proper amount of time in your schedule.
An example would be:
Block 1: 9:00am-11:00am (meeting)
Block 2: 11:15am-12:00pm (take messages & return calls)
Block 3: 12:00pm-1:00pm (lunch)
Block 4: 1:15pm-4:00pm (corporate training)
Block 5: etc.
The important thing to note is that each task has a defined block of time to allow for completion.
using time buffers
Another crucial aspect of time management is the use of buffers. Never schedule tasks too tightly together; this can cause overlap or tardiness. If you have one meeting scheduled to finish at 1pm, make sure to allot yourself a 15-minute block of time for a breather, before scheduling any other tasks.
In this manner, if the meeting goes into overtime, you won't be late for your next meeting or task. More importantly, you'll significantly reduce your stress level by not being in a constant rush.
Buffers are a way to build some slack into your schedule, but you must use them wisely. If you allocate too much buffer time you will likely lose out on quality work time. The trick is to learn how to use just enough buffer time to avoid conflicts between the end of one task and the start of another.
One last tidbit: don't be afraid to use a calendar, agenda or electronic organizer such as a Palm Pilot (which helps tremendously) to plan your time. A small investment in any of these items will pay off in spades if you use them properly.

Ultimately, it all comes down to how motivated you are to use your time as efficiently as possible. Where there's a will, there's a way!

Envision Your Success

2006-11-08T16:15:00.000+08:00

By Michael Bucci

A few decades ago, Steve Jobs had what he called "an insanely great idea," which was the foundation of Apple Computers and became the foundation of the personal computer software business. Bill Gates took that vision and turned it into Windows, all while making himself into the richest man in the world.

ideas start in the imagination
Imagination is the workshop of the mind. It has been said that man can achieve anything he is able to envision. Men have imagined many things that most thought impossible. That is, until someone proved them wrong and made it happen.
At the end of the 19th century, science fiction novels spoke of rocket ships and man setting foot on the moon. The stuff of fiction and over-imaginative minds, thought most people. Lo and behold, man not only sent rocket ships to the moon, he walked on it. How was that possible? Because man imagined it -- and then made it reality.
focus your imagination
The imagination is a fun thing. We can imagine that we are floating in midair or jumping over tall buildings. In fact, our imagination gives us carte blanche to visualize almost anything we wish.

However, it is important to understand that in order to become successful, you must learn to focus your imagination on building the plans that will turn your thoughts into something tangible.

If you are to succeed in life, you will need to plan a path to achievement. If you want to become the next Larry Ellison, you'll need to have a solid plan to get started and achieve your objectives. Realize that the plan will not be in some book, but rather it will lie in your imagination, waiting for you to extract it and make it a reality.
be the architect

Proper use of your imagination will allow you to mold the world around you. You must learn to use your imagination to take the factors that surround you into account (money, people, information, etc.), to come up with novel ways of building the necessary plans.

Remember, ideas start with the imagination. If you're able to look around you and see the opportunities available, you are one step ahead of the game.

When Bill Gates stated his long-term vision for Microsoft of "a computer on every desktop," most in the computer industry laughed at him and his far-fetched statement.

What they didn't realize at the time is that Mr. Gates had imagined a future where his vision was reality. Furthermore, he looked around him and thought long and hard about how he could make his idea a reality. His thoughts led to what is often called "The Microsoft Way."
To be really successful you must learn to mix imagination with decision. Read on!
where there's a will
You might wait for something to happen, and wait forever you will. You can imagine yourself starting your own company, hiring employees, buying computers, etc. until the cows come home. But all that imagining won't give you anything unless you make a decision to make it happen.

This sounds obvious doesn't it? Perhaps it does, but most people never take the first step -- which is the hardest part. You might have a great idea; as a matter of fact, you might have come up with the best plan the world has ever seen. To live your dream, however, there is one thing you must do if you want others to actually see your idea -- start executing your plan!

Why is the first step so difficult to take? In most cases it's because you are looking at everything that you must do to make your plan work. Faced with such a workload, it's difficult to get started.

The trick is to look at your job as a series of smaller jobs. This way the workload will seem more achievable and you'll have a better sense of the tasks at hand rather than simply facing one large, near impossible task.
establish a definite timeline

Now that you've established your plan and have taken the first step to start executing that plan, there is another important factor that needs to be considered -- you must have a timeline.

If you imagine your company having $1 million in sales at some point, you will have to set a date by which you will aim to achieve your goal. The purpose of setting a timeline is to pace yourself and your organization. If you see that you're on track to breaking your projections, then make new, more ambitious ones that will propel you to even greater heights.

If you are not hitting your targets, then you should modify your plan -- imaginatively of course -- in order to get back on track and achieve your targets.
life is short
Tell yourself that what you're envisioning is something that you really want in life. Don't procrastinate; make your dreams come true today . Come up with a plan of action and execute it. If you wait for "one day...", it will be too late and your dreams will remain in your subconscious, while reality passes you by.

Take Everything A Step At A Time

2006-11-08T16:00:00.000+08:00

By Michael Bucci

I'd like to begin by wishing all my loyal readers a Happy New Year. Much health, happiness and, of course, success! It's that time of the year again; the time when it seems everyone is trying to keep their New Year's resolutions. .

Some people want to join a gym and lose 20 pounds; others will try to quit smoking yet again. Some will promise to eat less chocolate or read more books. Whatever one's resolution, it is not likely to be kept unless we work at it every single day.
step by step
For those of you that have more meaty resolutions: getting a promotion to divisional manager, increasing your company's sales by 100% this year, putting your competitor out of business, increasing your market share, finding the woman of your dreams, etc., you will need to devise a plan if you want to get things done.

The point is that whatever you set your mind to, it won't happen on its own and it will definitely not happen overnight, unless of course your resolution was to sleep all night! If you want to make your New Year's resolutions come true, you will have to give them some serious thought and effort every day of the year.

The bigger the project, the less likely it is that you will be able to do everything at once. Let's suppose your goal for the New Year is to earn more money -- at least 10% more. You can't just walk into the office and get that 10%; you'll have to take steps to earn it.
persistence and consistency
Let's suppose you work in sales, and you're therefore paid on commission. One of the basic principles of selling is that the more doors you knock on, the more potential sales you will make.

If you are currently able to make 6 successful sales calls a day, or 30 sales calls a week, you would have to increase the number of calls by at least 10% to have a shot at increasing your revenue proportionally. Thus if you need to make 60 calls to get 6 successful ones, then you would have to make an extra 30 calls a week to meet your goal. That is, you'd make an average of about 5 additional calls per day to attain your 10% increase.

Why am I going into such detail, you ask? To illustrate the point that you will have to make an effort to reach your goals. Furthermore, you won't be able to just make an extra 30 calls on Monday then forget about them for the rest of the week. You will have to give a consistent additional effort every single day to make it big.

What's the best way to attain everything you want?
day by day
The best way to achieve anything big in life, perhaps the only way, is to take things step by step. Going back to our example above, you won't just start calling more people every day. Before doing so, you will have to find the sales leads, study your prospects, come up with a tailored sales pitch, introduce yourself, get to know them and their needs, and only then can you pitch them your products (or services or ideas for that matter).

Thus, there is a lot of preparation and legwork that is involved and the best way to handle the workload is to work at it a little bit every day so as to not be overwhelmed. At first, you may only be able to make an additional 2 sales per day as you build and adjust to your new workload. As you get better, you'll become more efficient and will be able to make the extra calls every day. Eventually, you will achieve your goal.
don't get discouraged

Nothing that is worth achieving in this world will come easy. Get ready to put your nose to the grindstone and sweat it out because the road ahead is always roughest for the trailblazers.

You have to learn to build on every little victory because each win acts like fuel to your confidence and ability to achieve bigger and better things. If you start off slow and can't convert that many sales calls to actual sales, don't get down on yourself. Instead, figure out why things aren't going as well as you'd like and come up with a modified plan.

Use the new plan and attack with full force. Keep doing this until you hit the nail on the head. It may take days, weeks, months, or even years before you get it right, but eventually you will get it right if you keep trying. Remember, Edison failed to create the light bulb thousands of times before getting it right!
recipe for success

Taking things step by step applies to any resolutions you've made. Suppose you were a little on the skinny side and wanted to gain 20 lbs of solid muscle. You wouldn't be able to do it in one week. You would have to come up with a training routine, eating regimen and sleep schedule to get you started. You would have to decide how much you could gain each week and then devote each day to achieving part of your goal.

As you workout 4-5 times per week you will start noticing small changes in your body. After 2 months the changes will be very visible; after 6 months of steady training the results will be dramatic. The trick is to train your body a little at a time. You can't just walk into a gym and bench press 300 lbs. You have to start at 150 lbs and work your way up. This same rule applies to any endeavor you choose to begin.

Remember, take it step by step, build on your small victories and never quit. Good luck!